I Don't Think You Know What These Words Mean

[tenhiddenlines]

I am starting to have some sort of slight insomnia. I don't like it, at all. I feel like I think entirely too much about this situation with my parents. I have come to zero conclusions and feel like I have made no progress on any feelings about it. I realize now that since my mother is forgiving him, that it is making it 100000X harder for me to do so. I just can't do it. I wish so hard that my mom would just realize that being her own person may be a task at first, but would be so rewarding in the end. I honestly feel sorry for her. I want to make her realize that I bet he couldn't give her one good reason that he is different than any other person that has cheated more than once. I love her to death, but have not gotten the courage to sit her down and basically just throw it all at her. She is driving me fucking crazy by going out with him all the time. She is really just making my life all the more hectic and I don't think she knows it. Maybe I am trying to help? Maybe I am not helping enough? I don't know. Living with the hostility is unbearable, but who is to blame me....nobody. I have so many people to talk to and people that will listen, hell, my family fuckin' pays for someone to do so, but it doesn't seem to get me through anything more than venting to an outside observer. I know that I would get angry with her if she let him move back in. The thoughts are most likely brewing in her head, and it is going to make me the child again. I don't want to be in the position to where I am mad at both of my parents. In reality, I am mad at her now, every day. I wish doing writing down this bullshit would change something, but I know it's not. I hate that when I vent on a computer, because it will solve nothing. To this day, I still do not know what will solve what and how the fuck I will feel better. I have told myself since the day that it happened that one day, I would wake up and know what to do...that day has yet to come. Thinking about it constantly doesn't seem to be doing the trick either.

2 jobs now- +2...thus far

NYC- +3453454634564565...getting the fuck outta here

Thanks to Jesse, Megan, Maher, and Monk lately, you guys are awesome.