(no subject)
Alrihgt, so first off, I love my friends. They make my life so much better.
Second off, my dad keeps calling, trying to get ahold of me. My mom says I should call him back. I should, and will soon but she said, "he's hurting" and I said, "well mom, I'm hurting too."
Thirdy, I have decided that I just don't care anymore. About a lot of things. About getting a boyfriend or getting good grades, or getting better in Cross Country. I have lost alllllll ambition to do anything. I decided today, that although I think I'm ready to have a boyfriend, like I've waited long enough, I'm not. I'm not ready at all. And I don't fucking think I'll ever be ready. I am not comfortable with myself, and I don't feel like I am even date-able. I feel like I don't deserve it. I want to be able to feel comfortable with someone holding me or touching me but I just can't. But you know what? I don't need a boyfriend to be happy. I have enough fun with my friends. I am not going to waste anymore of my life pining over something that I am not even ready for. But there are still those days where I just want someone to lean on, and to comfort me, I know my friends are there, and I love them for that, but it's just different with a boy. But I am not even going to worry about it anymore. I have far bigger things to worry about then getting a fucking boyfriend. I am broken. I need to fix myself before I can climb the next step.
Second off, my dad keeps calling, trying to get ahold of me. My mom says I should call him back. I should, and will soon but she said, "he's hurting" and I said, "well mom, I'm hurting too."
Thirdy, I have decided that I just don't care anymore. About a lot of things. About getting a boyfriend or getting good grades, or getting better in Cross Country. I have lost alllllll ambition to do anything. I decided today, that although I think I'm ready to have a boyfriend, like I've waited long enough, I'm not. I'm not ready at all. And I don't fucking think I'll ever be ready. I am not comfortable with myself, and I don't feel like I am even date-able. I feel like I don't deserve it. I want to be able to feel comfortable with someone holding me or touching me but I just can't. But you know what? I don't need a boyfriend to be happy. I have enough fun with my friends. I am not going to waste anymore of my life pining over something that I am not even ready for. But there are still those days where I just want someone to lean on, and to comfort me, I know my friends are there, and I love them for that, but it's just different with a boy. But I am not even going to worry about it anymore. I have far bigger things to worry about then getting a fucking boyfriend. I am broken. I need to fix myself before I can climb the next step.