Prayers
Since about June, per fall out with sister, I pretty much fell away from praying, reading, asking or even bothering God. Not that I stopped attending church or anything but I just felt "what is the point in praying for them if it won't change anything". I was getting to the point where I could spend time one on one with God reading and really screwing up some prayers but trying nevertheless. When people needed someone to pray for someone else not in my family, I would do it but as for my own. I gave up. I didn't realize until the weird dream I had the other day that I pretty much believe that the only person I am going to see in heaven if God is generous and allows me there will be my mom. So let's do a headcount of who would be missing...
1. Derek (the older brother I used to adore, he could do no wrong)
3. Annette (the older sister with so many blessings I know there are none for me)
4. Darryl (my closest brother and youngest one of the group)
5. Edward (the younger brother with musical talent and dreams out to *here*)
6. Daddy
My mom had five kids and one husband, the people I was closest to and at times felt trapped with (neh, Kenji?) as i grew up. The only one's in heaven would be me and her? That just doesn't make sense. Still, the dream wasn't about who was getting into heaven or not, it just showed my feelings on my family. I spent that entire dream running and lost and feeling isolated. I don't dream but this last year has proven that wrong with more dreams than not. Then I go to church and basically ignore the pastor on Sunday because his message reached me when I opened up bible. The message was simple...open up the bible. That wasn't what he was preaching or saying but it was what I felt. On the front cover of my teens study bible are a list of promises from God. Things he said in the bible that someone was kind enough to condense for those of us who will never actually open up the bible and read the darn thing. Those promises are what I should be clinging to, not my *certain* knowledge that everything I do is in vain.
So you think the message got across? Nope. I kinda got the message Sat/Sun but I am a slow learner. So then I read Michelle's (dm_lunsford) sermon about faith and what it is. Belief in the unseen and by that faith a drive to action basically is what it boils down to. I have spent the last few month believing only in what I see. I see financial issues with my family. I see the emotional issues with my family. I see the relationship issues with my family. I see my mom being able to handle this better than me. And from what I am seeing, Momma and I are not going to see them again once I close my eyes. Am I allowed to think this way? Briefly but not for long per Phillipians: "Do not be anxious in anything, but in everything with prayer and petition, present your requests before God. And he will guard your heart and your mind..." See, these thoughts may have surfaced but God taught me the next step, cast them. I am to cast my worries and fears on him. That dream was a way of showing me I hadn't casted or flung or even tossed. Secondly, I am suppose to be believing on the *unseen*, now I am a slow learner but obviously there is a difference between seen and unseen. All I can concentrate on right now is what I see. I see destruction, pain, loneliness and fear.
If I stopped here, this would be a very dismal post and I didn't start LJ to be a wet cat. One of the reasons I don't update is because I don't like the negative thoughts I have always had and I won't share them. This morning I wake up and force myself to do devotional before I do anything else, LJ, email, or dry clothes. And I start praying. And everything I am thinking runs through my head like wildfire and before I know it, I am confessing my sins of lust and anger and lack of faith and I am praying for my family. Each one individually. Praying for the need that is in them for God to fill whether they know him or not. I don't know if this will work but I am trying to have faith. A belief in the unseen that will drive me to action. (I prayed for you too Darryl and I know you will be able to do all that God plans for you, whether you wanna stop and acknowledge his work or not. Just keep trying. Don't get down about trying and failing as long as you are trying.)
I don't know what sort of action this faith will drive me to, right now, I am just working on keeping the faith part...he will reveal (or not) everything else to me. After praying, I went back in to Job and finished reading. I don't know what message God intends for me to have at the end of this because I am not blameless or upright like Job but I do understand this, if God gave Job over to such sufferings and in the end restored it to him the breadcrumbs of God's actions towards my prayers will be enough for me to wake up in heaven and see more than me and momma. And for that, I will be satisfied.
Does this mean I am going to not seek counseling, nope, still looking but at least I will still seek his counsel as well.
1. Derek (the older brother I used to adore, he could do no wrong)
3. Annette (the older sister with so many blessings I know there are none for me)
4. Darryl (my closest brother and youngest one of the group)
5. Edward (the younger brother with musical talent and dreams out to *here*)
6. Daddy
My mom had five kids and one husband, the people I was closest to and at times felt trapped with (neh, Kenji?) as i grew up. The only one's in heaven would be me and her? That just doesn't make sense. Still, the dream wasn't about who was getting into heaven or not, it just showed my feelings on my family. I spent that entire dream running and lost and feeling isolated. I don't dream but this last year has proven that wrong with more dreams than not. Then I go to church and basically ignore the pastor on Sunday because his message reached me when I opened up bible. The message was simple...open up the bible. That wasn't what he was preaching or saying but it was what I felt. On the front cover of my teens study bible are a list of promises from God. Things he said in the bible that someone was kind enough to condense for those of us who will never actually open up the bible and read the darn thing. Those promises are what I should be clinging to, not my *certain* knowledge that everything I do is in vain.
So you think the message got across? Nope. I kinda got the message Sat/Sun but I am a slow learner. So then I read Michelle's (dm_lunsford) sermon about faith and what it is. Belief in the unseen and by that faith a drive to action basically is what it boils down to. I have spent the last few month believing only in what I see. I see financial issues with my family. I see the emotional issues with my family. I see the relationship issues with my family. I see my mom being able to handle this better than me. And from what I am seeing, Momma and I are not going to see them again once I close my eyes. Am I allowed to think this way? Briefly but not for long per Phillipians: "Do not be anxious in anything, but in everything with prayer and petition, present your requests before God. And he will guard your heart and your mind..." See, these thoughts may have surfaced but God taught me the next step, cast them. I am to cast my worries and fears on him. That dream was a way of showing me I hadn't casted or flung or even tossed. Secondly, I am suppose to be believing on the *unseen*, now I am a slow learner but obviously there is a difference between seen and unseen. All I can concentrate on right now is what I see. I see destruction, pain, loneliness and fear.
If I stopped here, this would be a very dismal post and I didn't start LJ to be a wet cat. One of the reasons I don't update is because I don't like the negative thoughts I have always had and I won't share them. This morning I wake up and force myself to do devotional before I do anything else, LJ, email, or dry clothes. And I start praying. And everything I am thinking runs through my head like wildfire and before I know it, I am confessing my sins of lust and anger and lack of faith and I am praying for my family. Each one individually. Praying for the need that is in them for God to fill whether they know him or not. I don't know if this will work but I am trying to have faith. A belief in the unseen that will drive me to action. (I prayed for you too Darryl and I know you will be able to do all that God plans for you, whether you wanna stop and acknowledge his work or not. Just keep trying. Don't get down about trying and failing as long as you are trying.)
I don't know what sort of action this faith will drive me to, right now, I am just working on keeping the faith part...he will reveal (or not) everything else to me. After praying, I went back in to Job and finished reading. I don't know what message God intends for me to have at the end of this because I am not blameless or upright like Job but I do understand this, if God gave Job over to such sufferings and in the end restored it to him the breadcrumbs of God's actions towards my prayers will be enough for me to wake up in heaven and see more than me and momma. And for that, I will be satisfied.
Does this mean I am going to not seek counseling, nope, still looking but at least I will still seek his counsel as well.