Ignore this rant...
...it probably won't even make sense.
First, let me say I love teaching. I don't mind staying after school and working with kids. I don't mind missing my lunch. It is absolutely fine with me to come in on a weekend to run a lab. I don't mind a bit of this, as a matter of fact, it makes life worth living.
Now, I do MIND several things. I mind when people call a meeting without asking you if it fits your schedule and the meeting can not be covered under your duty day, as part of your duties as a teacher or even as a part of meeting supported by the union. I mind when people passively-agressively get on my *bleeping* nerves. I do mind when I am forced into a social group with people I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING IN COMMON WITH other than they share at least one "X" chromosome.
So background, last week the principal called a meeting of the AP teachers and set a day and a time to meet. We were told to be there. I had already scheduled to tutor with a senior that missed 2 weeks of my class and transferred in late. So now the compromise that shouldn't have happened, did. I brought the kid down to the office where I could work with him and attend the meeting. Um, how about no! I didn't follow the meeting well at all. The teacher across from me was reading straight from a thesarus, it seemed, as words of at least 4-5 syllables flowed from her jowls. I even started writing down the words to look them up later. So no, couldn't tell you what the hell she was talking about. The principal is trying to find a way to bring up AP scores so he wants us to get together and design an AP club...kinda extracurricular thing. Um, no...hon, the kids are already stressed the hell out...telling them they have to attend ONE more meeting in the school day is not going to help. But I couldn't say anything because the student needed help and so I left and when I got back...ol' girl with the thesaurus was spewing forth an 'idea' on having a day for the kids where we discuss ethics, learning styles, their responsibility to society and a plethora of other things a PSYCHOLOGY TEACHER WOULD LOVE TO FRIGGIN GAB ABOUT. (Please note, I attended 14 days of my psych classes - three were test days, one was evaluation day and the other were the days I was working up the courage to ask if I could just come to class on the test day.) I hate to say it but a deep introspective look into the workings of the mind is not my cup of tea. Neither is sitting there listening to her spout her dissertation and the three million reference books she read to prove she is a phd and neither is...wait, I have to leave again, student needs help. I return and they have now planned to take AN ENTIRE FRIGGIN' SCHOOL DAY OUT so we can flip them cookies basically. The principal's idea is to come along and give them a nice little get away day to encourage them to stay in AP (the cookie flipping part) and to merge it with ol' girls idea. So now next year, if this plan goes forth, we will have triple the number of students in AP due to the fact that everyone wants to go on the wonderful trip to the castle like the AP kids before did. Yeah, so we see which direction the AP grades are going to go when the class is filled with even MORE nonAP students in the mix. Elevator go DOWN!
Fastforward to this morning when I walk into the teachers' lounge (my first friggin' mistake) and there is the other teacher that is really into the writing and merging of AP English and APUSHistory. Um, no! I would never take an AP History class anything. I despise it. You can actually score a 4 or 5 without the side trip into the world of nonfiction that makes my toes curl and my brain frost over. She was tuned out shortly after the first meeting happened. But lo! She wants to remind me that the AP teachers are getting together for a meeting today off the campus somewhere for dinner and to discuss "how do you solve a problem like low AP grades?" When? During dinner when I planned to go to my neighbor's and celebrate her birthday with her. And during belly dance class. And during the entire tutoring time I devote after school. From 3:20-7:00 p.m. That is my entire evening...to sit with people i don't know. I couldn't say no so I rearranged my day to accomodate.
Everyone is on time, I am late. *insert expletive* I follow the caravan to Kusel where they decided to eat...though it was inconvenient to two of the coworkers. Passive-aggressive thesaurus girl strikes again. Raise your hand if you were surprised at who chose the location. Then we get there and I grab money out the bank I DON'T FRIGGIN HAVE and go over to this cafe with them. Where they spend the first hour gabbing and I slowly start sinking into myself. I don't get it. Her voice is grating me and I feeling more foolish and stupid by the syllable and I can't relate and I am not confident and why am I even a part of this...there is nothing I can contribute and ol' girl tries to include me in the conversation. I have no idea what they were talking about and I wonder if I can come to the dinner late because we haven't gotten started yet and it is now 4:30. So I say nothing and later on the other female coworker says something to the effect, "Well we need to get on task, we've been gabbing away and she [meaning me] looks like a deer caught in headlights". I didn't realize my eyes had opened so wide so I tried to shed the panic that was in them and not get really embarrassed that she noticed because I know she wasn't trying to be mean but that just made me have an even worse reaction so now I am not even bothering to look at people, just turn my head into the direction of the sound and order another Berliner. They all have cognac and coffee...I have peppermint tea. I don't belong here and I can't figure a way out because I am walled in by ol' girl and I am drowning and they keep trying to draw me into conversation and I got nothin'. Just all waves and banners. No lights on or anything.
So I start listening instead of trying to come up with something to say. Passive aggressive ol' girl pulls out her list of ideas and makes it plain that we don't have to use the ideas that she brought. We kind of get on task when she whips out another "reference book/article" used in her PhD called "Prisoners' Dilemma". Now I know there are some people jumping up and down to discuss the ins and outs of ethics but you ain't the two and I SURE AS HELL AIN'T THE ONE! She turns to me and asks me have I read this crap. "Hell no!" was the first thought, tactfully followed up by "I don't do nonfiction." She says it isn't nonfiction...girls and boys...yes, yes it is. She rambles and I tune out and watch the german couple outside the window. We are off task now and doing nothing for another fifteen minutes when the only Y chromosome in the group pipes up (I think he sensed my distraction) and suggested we do a thing on learning styles. So ol' girl is at it again going on and on about something and Myers Brigg and how the kids learn and yadayadayada...will you friggin' stick a sock in it! And the other lady is singing along with this tune and we aren't getting anywhere and they are still trying to draw me out and ol' girl asks me (after a long tirade about internal motafrigginvation and drawing DREAMFRIGGIN MAPS...I got a map for her) what was my internal motivation. Now I don't mean to offend but there is a look some white people get around me when they find out what I do or what school I went to and such. It is a "Oh look they let a girl from the third world country get a chance a life. Hurray for you!" Basically, it is a look that is asking me "how did I get myself out of the ghetto and aren't I proud of myself" and it is done in a very condescending manner. I have fielded these sorts of questions most of my life without being offended, and this one I tried not to be but I could tell I was obviously her experiment and I made her proud. And I had no rejoinder because I really didn't have a dream map that lead me to where I am and my motivation was me...my mom didn't stress the school, she was proud of it but not overly stressed. There was no one on the TV I wanted to be like. I didn't decide that 'Adult A' was who I would pattern my life out of...I just decided i didn't want to go down the same road as everyone else in my family. And I told her that and she kept pushing. So I finally grated out my mom and dad were addicts, so was my sister, my brother sold it and I didn't want any part of it. That was punctuated by a look that must have finally alerted her to back the frig up!
So now Y chromosome tries to get us back on task and it works and I take notes and outline as they speak about what they want done. I ask a few questions to make sure I've detailed the day the way they'd like it. (I do want to remind everyone that ol' girl emphasized at the very beginning that we did not have to do her ideas but we did take a few). This part of the meeting was pleasant enough for me to atleast stop looking panicked but then again... So now I made the stupid mistake and spoke up. I wanted to get done and they were still raveling over the three million ideas we could do and the day had yet to be planned. I gave them a rough itinerary based on what they would most like to do that day. Ol' girl...oh, I wish there were some people that were mean enough to actually hit. It sucks to hit people who are being nice but deserve to be pummelled. She didn't like the format because we were doing ethics in the afternoon and we were giving too much time to learning styles, how you learn and how your classmates learn. And we hadn't included *she points at her paper* the other things she'd brought up. She is trying to passive aggressively manipulate the group into doing what she wanted to do in the first place. Now, I am pissed. If she wants to do her friggin ideas, she could have said so at step one, I would have agreed just to get the hell out of there and I could have spent my afternoon doing what I like. Now I start in on her, she has made an enemy today...well at least until I sleep it off. I don't like wasting MY TIME! The no talking has turned into pointed comments and conflict. I am trying to organize a day and she wants to ramble until the day of the event and then plan. No deal! So now I start wrangling with her and she concedes defeat on several of her key points. Just when it looks like we have a schedule...she sneaks that citizenship CRAP back into the mix and the DREAM MAPS. Because everyone likes cutting out pictures of how they see themselves in 10 years, lalalala.
I rearrange the schedule and now we leave to go have dinner. Because we are in Europe and we like to waste your time and money simultaneously. Dinner it is. Some more rambling and now it is 6:15. She shoots down the revisted itinerary again and I clam up. Done. Check please. i am not fighting with her on this and I am currently trying to plan a way to be too sick to attend mentally. Y chromosome gets us back on task and I fight with the itinerary again, but this time I pointedly hand it to the other woman who has no issues whatsoever with it and neither does Y chromosome. I even put some stuff back that ol' girl wanted. There is no time to do it but hey, it is on the itinerary. So now it is almost 7 (the time I am suppose to leave) and we are looking for a class day to do this. They want to do it on my AP day and that was decided at the last meeting for some unknown reason. So I concede the point and say fine to losing another AP day to crap. Then ol' girl pulls out her calendar and starts talking about the day to do it and Y chromosome feels pity on me (since I expressed in the last meeting I don't like missing school for anything) and tested the waters about having the outing on the other class day. I am gleeful but not hopeful, I thought the principal had picked the day. The other lady chimes in that it doesn't matter to her and Y chromosome logically suggests that it would be on the day that we see the most students. Now ol' girl is flustered and I think that is what made her slip. She whines that she doesn't want to miss her english and honor's class and that is why she suggested using my day. So she COULD NOT LOSE A DAY OF HER FRIGGIN CLASS. Yes, now I am mentally cussing. I am seeing red and I am cantakafrigginrous! I boldly announce that it should be held on the other day, that would make me most comfortable and I marked that I WOULD BE LOSING A CLASS DAY TOO. So, there. I am now childish and irritable and I ask for the check and leave right after the date is chosen and ol' girl starts whining about wanting to take the kids to Potzberg castle. The date chosen by the majority is the day she would miss her honors' classes. I am too mad to go over my neighbor's without causing strife so I thought I shoot out this missive and see if I could calm down.
Was my behavior acceptable? Hell no! Was I in the right being so upset? Yes! As I walked to my car I realized another friggin thing, this meeting was on my dime and my time. This was not something for a committee. This is not something that will positively impact the students and therefore I am willing to do it. This is not something I signed up for as an extracurricular. This is a brain trust of a principal that keeps stepping on my friggin borders. So I have to talk to him and the group. I don't want to do this thing and I am obligated to do it. This is not fair nor is it right. He used peer pressure to ensure I would stay in line, "everyone else is going to be there but you." He is a nice guy but a manipulative SOB. I am tired. I am cranky. I have tests to grade and I won't get to them because I am seven shades of pissed. I let him run me over and ruin a perfectly wonderful day. And the sad part is I am feeling guilty about burdening him because his wife is way too friggin ill to be believed. So where does that leave me?
As a door mat. Wipe your feet before you enter.
First, let me say I love teaching. I don't mind staying after school and working with kids. I don't mind missing my lunch. It is absolutely fine with me to come in on a weekend to run a lab. I don't mind a bit of this, as a matter of fact, it makes life worth living.
Now, I do MIND several things. I mind when people call a meeting without asking you if it fits your schedule and the meeting can not be covered under your duty day, as part of your duties as a teacher or even as a part of meeting supported by the union. I mind when people passively-agressively get on my *bleeping* nerves. I do mind when I am forced into a social group with people I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING IN COMMON WITH other than they share at least one "X" chromosome.
So background, last week the principal called a meeting of the AP teachers and set a day and a time to meet. We were told to be there. I had already scheduled to tutor with a senior that missed 2 weeks of my class and transferred in late. So now the compromise that shouldn't have happened, did. I brought the kid down to the office where I could work with him and attend the meeting. Um, how about no! I didn't follow the meeting well at all. The teacher across from me was reading straight from a thesarus, it seemed, as words of at least 4-5 syllables flowed from her jowls. I even started writing down the words to look them up later. So no, couldn't tell you what the hell she was talking about. The principal is trying to find a way to bring up AP scores so he wants us to get together and design an AP club...kinda extracurricular thing. Um, no...hon, the kids are already stressed the hell out...telling them they have to attend ONE more meeting in the school day is not going to help. But I couldn't say anything because the student needed help and so I left and when I got back...ol' girl with the thesaurus was spewing forth an 'idea' on having a day for the kids where we discuss ethics, learning styles, their responsibility to society and a plethora of other things a PSYCHOLOGY TEACHER WOULD LOVE TO FRIGGIN GAB ABOUT. (Please note, I attended 14 days of my psych classes - three were test days, one was evaluation day and the other were the days I was working up the courage to ask if I could just come to class on the test day.) I hate to say it but a deep introspective look into the workings of the mind is not my cup of tea. Neither is sitting there listening to her spout her dissertation and the three million reference books she read to prove she is a phd and neither is...wait, I have to leave again, student needs help. I return and they have now planned to take AN ENTIRE FRIGGIN' SCHOOL DAY OUT so we can flip them cookies basically. The principal's idea is to come along and give them a nice little get away day to encourage them to stay in AP (the cookie flipping part) and to merge it with ol' girls idea. So now next year, if this plan goes forth, we will have triple the number of students in AP due to the fact that everyone wants to go on the wonderful trip to the castle like the AP kids before did. Yeah, so we see which direction the AP grades are going to go when the class is filled with even MORE nonAP students in the mix. Elevator go DOWN!
Fastforward to this morning when I walk into the teachers' lounge (my first friggin' mistake) and there is the other teacher that is really into the writing and merging of AP English and APUSHistory. Um, no! I would never take an AP History class anything. I despise it. You can actually score a 4 or 5 without the side trip into the world of nonfiction that makes my toes curl and my brain frost over. She was tuned out shortly after the first meeting happened. But lo! She wants to remind me that the AP teachers are getting together for a meeting today off the campus somewhere for dinner and to discuss "how do you solve a problem like low AP grades?" When? During dinner when I planned to go to my neighbor's and celebrate her birthday with her. And during belly dance class. And during the entire tutoring time I devote after school. From 3:20-7:00 p.m. That is my entire evening...to sit with people i don't know. I couldn't say no so I rearranged my day to accomodate.
Everyone is on time, I am late. *insert expletive* I follow the caravan to Kusel where they decided to eat...though it was inconvenient to two of the coworkers. Passive-aggressive thesaurus girl strikes again. Raise your hand if you were surprised at who chose the location. Then we get there and I grab money out the bank I DON'T FRIGGIN HAVE and go over to this cafe with them. Where they spend the first hour gabbing and I slowly start sinking into myself. I don't get it. Her voice is grating me and I feeling more foolish and stupid by the syllable and I can't relate and I am not confident and why am I even a part of this...there is nothing I can contribute and ol' girl tries to include me in the conversation. I have no idea what they were talking about and I wonder if I can come to the dinner late because we haven't gotten started yet and it is now 4:30. So I say nothing and later on the other female coworker says something to the effect, "Well we need to get on task, we've been gabbing away and she [meaning me] looks like a deer caught in headlights". I didn't realize my eyes had opened so wide so I tried to shed the panic that was in them and not get really embarrassed that she noticed because I know she wasn't trying to be mean but that just made me have an even worse reaction so now I am not even bothering to look at people, just turn my head into the direction of the sound and order another Berliner. They all have cognac and coffee...I have peppermint tea. I don't belong here and I can't figure a way out because I am walled in by ol' girl and I am drowning and they keep trying to draw me into conversation and I got nothin'. Just all waves and banners. No lights on or anything.
So I start listening instead of trying to come up with something to say. Passive aggressive ol' girl pulls out her list of ideas and makes it plain that we don't have to use the ideas that she brought. We kind of get on task when she whips out another "reference book/article" used in her PhD called "Prisoners' Dilemma". Now I know there are some people jumping up and down to discuss the ins and outs of ethics but you ain't the two and I SURE AS HELL AIN'T THE ONE! She turns to me and asks me have I read this crap. "Hell no!" was the first thought, tactfully followed up by "I don't do nonfiction." She says it isn't nonfiction...girls and boys...yes, yes it is. She rambles and I tune out and watch the german couple outside the window. We are off task now and doing nothing for another fifteen minutes when the only Y chromosome in the group pipes up (I think he sensed my distraction) and suggested we do a thing on learning styles. So ol' girl is at it again going on and on about something and Myers Brigg and how the kids learn and yadayadayada...will you friggin' stick a sock in it! And the other lady is singing along with this tune and we aren't getting anywhere and they are still trying to draw me out and ol' girl asks me (after a long tirade about internal motafrigginvation and drawing DREAMFRIGGIN MAPS...I got a map for her) what was my internal motivation. Now I don't mean to offend but there is a look some white people get around me when they find out what I do or what school I went to and such. It is a "Oh look they let a girl from the third world country get a chance a life. Hurray for you!" Basically, it is a look that is asking me "how did I get myself out of the ghetto and aren't I proud of myself" and it is done in a very condescending manner. I have fielded these sorts of questions most of my life without being offended, and this one I tried not to be but I could tell I was obviously her experiment and I made her proud. And I had no rejoinder because I really didn't have a dream map that lead me to where I am and my motivation was me...my mom didn't stress the school, she was proud of it but not overly stressed. There was no one on the TV I wanted to be like. I didn't decide that 'Adult A' was who I would pattern my life out of...I just decided i didn't want to go down the same road as everyone else in my family. And I told her that and she kept pushing. So I finally grated out my mom and dad were addicts, so was my sister, my brother sold it and I didn't want any part of it. That was punctuated by a look that must have finally alerted her to back the frig up!
So now Y chromosome tries to get us back on task and it works and I take notes and outline as they speak about what they want done. I ask a few questions to make sure I've detailed the day the way they'd like it. (I do want to remind everyone that ol' girl emphasized at the very beginning that we did not have to do her ideas but we did take a few). This part of the meeting was pleasant enough for me to atleast stop looking panicked but then again... So now I made the stupid mistake and spoke up. I wanted to get done and they were still raveling over the three million ideas we could do and the day had yet to be planned. I gave them a rough itinerary based on what they would most like to do that day. Ol' girl...oh, I wish there were some people that were mean enough to actually hit. It sucks to hit people who are being nice but deserve to be pummelled. She didn't like the format because we were doing ethics in the afternoon and we were giving too much time to learning styles, how you learn and how your classmates learn. And we hadn't included *she points at her paper* the other things she'd brought up. She is trying to passive aggressively manipulate the group into doing what she wanted to do in the first place. Now, I am pissed. If she wants to do her friggin ideas, she could have said so at step one, I would have agreed just to get the hell out of there and I could have spent my afternoon doing what I like. Now I start in on her, she has made an enemy today...well at least until I sleep it off. I don't like wasting MY TIME! The no talking has turned into pointed comments and conflict. I am trying to organize a day and she wants to ramble until the day of the event and then plan. No deal! So now I start wrangling with her and she concedes defeat on several of her key points. Just when it looks like we have a schedule...she sneaks that citizenship CRAP back into the mix and the DREAM MAPS. Because everyone likes cutting out pictures of how they see themselves in 10 years, lalalala.
I rearrange the schedule and now we leave to go have dinner. Because we are in Europe and we like to waste your time and money simultaneously. Dinner it is. Some more rambling and now it is 6:15. She shoots down the revisted itinerary again and I clam up. Done. Check please. i am not fighting with her on this and I am currently trying to plan a way to be too sick to attend mentally. Y chromosome gets us back on task and I fight with the itinerary again, but this time I pointedly hand it to the other woman who has no issues whatsoever with it and neither does Y chromosome. I even put some stuff back that ol' girl wanted. There is no time to do it but hey, it is on the itinerary. So now it is almost 7 (the time I am suppose to leave) and we are looking for a class day to do this. They want to do it on my AP day and that was decided at the last meeting for some unknown reason. So I concede the point and say fine to losing another AP day to crap. Then ol' girl pulls out her calendar and starts talking about the day to do it and Y chromosome feels pity on me (since I expressed in the last meeting I don't like missing school for anything) and tested the waters about having the outing on the other class day. I am gleeful but not hopeful, I thought the principal had picked the day. The other lady chimes in that it doesn't matter to her and Y chromosome logically suggests that it would be on the day that we see the most students. Now ol' girl is flustered and I think that is what made her slip. She whines that she doesn't want to miss her english and honor's class and that is why she suggested using my day. So she COULD NOT LOSE A DAY OF HER FRIGGIN CLASS. Yes, now I am mentally cussing. I am seeing red and I am cantakafrigginrous! I boldly announce that it should be held on the other day, that would make me most comfortable and I marked that I WOULD BE LOSING A CLASS DAY TOO. So, there. I am now childish and irritable and I ask for the check and leave right after the date is chosen and ol' girl starts whining about wanting to take the kids to Potzberg castle. The date chosen by the majority is the day she would miss her honors' classes. I am too mad to go over my neighbor's without causing strife so I thought I shoot out this missive and see if I could calm down.
Was my behavior acceptable? Hell no! Was I in the right being so upset? Yes! As I walked to my car I realized another friggin thing, this meeting was on my dime and my time. This was not something for a committee. This is not something that will positively impact the students and therefore I am willing to do it. This is not something I signed up for as an extracurricular. This is a brain trust of a principal that keeps stepping on my friggin borders. So I have to talk to him and the group. I don't want to do this thing and I am obligated to do it. This is not fair nor is it right. He used peer pressure to ensure I would stay in line, "everyone else is going to be there but you." He is a nice guy but a manipulative SOB. I am tired. I am cranky. I have tests to grade and I won't get to them because I am seven shades of pissed. I let him run me over and ruin a perfectly wonderful day. And the sad part is I am feeling guilty about burdening him because his wife is way too friggin ill to be believed. So where does that leave me?
As a door mat. Wipe your feet before you enter.