"Running through the field where all my tracks will be concealed and there's nowhere to go"
Well, so I was sitting here eating sushi and listening to music. And then I found myself suddenly thinking about my life
I was thinking about going to college, and how much fun I know I could have. Then it hit me. I may know what I want to do for college, but beyond that, I remain clueless about what I want to do with my life. I wouldn't normally find this to be a problem, but I knew exactly what I wanted to do in college since about ninth grade, and as such, I had more than ample time to study different colleges and find out which one I thought would be best to help me achieve my goals in life. Ironically, until now, I had not become so vividly aware of how little of an idea I had as far as what those goals were. I mean, of course I have the ubiquitous childhood dream that will never come true, which unfortunately I'm even scared to mention here because it truly is outlandish and not feasible in the least. But for the most part, I have no clue at all what exactly I wanted to do. Will I have kids? Where do I want to live? What company do I actually want to work for in my life. Granted, the answers to these can be discovered more entirely with time, that's what college is for. But ever since the ninth grade, I geared all pertinent decisions about my future to a major in aerospace engineering in college, and I would like to be able to do the same thing for my actual life. I guess what I may be most scared about then, as I am realizing relates to this whole obstacle, is just how unpredictable life is. I can't treat life as just another lab or experiment, I can't logically plan out each and every step that I am going to take. The number of variables far outweighs the number of constants. And this more than anything else I believe scares me about it all. Yeah, for a while now, I've just been taking life as the days go by, piecemeal. However, if I continue down this path, I am worried that I will find myself in a position in the future in which I will absolutely hate my life. What I guess is potentially worse though, is that I have no clue as to where I should begin for making the changes to my life to prevent this end from coming to be. And if that is the case, then I truly am clay in some greater being's hands, anything can happen to me and I can do very little to stop it. But of course, again. If that is the case then I shouldn't even be worrying about this at all. I'll just have to deal with it like I somehow manage to do with everything else in my life. Yet I will have to think on this more at a later time. props for sucking it all up and reading if you have.