let us hear his alibis
well then, i'm sitting here listening to john the revelator in my bedroom and that can only mean one thing....
Ok, so, i don't even think that i am upset or anything, but i do believe that I am worried now.
I can easily come to terms with the realization that I am lame and that it is unlikely i will get laid before at least junior year in college (my best guess) but that's just what scares me. How easily I can accept that....
What is it about me that is so willing to accept the worst about myself and allows me not to even offer the slightest protest to what I quite genuinely don't always think. I know I have some good attributes, but for whatever reason, none of them are coming to mind, and i am far quicker to dismiss them as delusions than accept that there might actually be something about me that's worthwhile. It is in this sense that I am most deeply scared, I am afraid that I now crave some kind of outward symbol or evidence to prove to myself as well as others that I don't in fact suck (i.e. girlfriend, impressive feature, well-built body, non-sucky shoulder, whatever). Why is it that I desire something like that when I can be more than perfectly happy with just what I have right now, it's just fucking ridiculous. Times like these make me want to thrash out at something to blame for making me this way when in reality i have to come to accept that I am what I am, I am the largest portion of the factors that lead to my character being different than everyone else's.
How should I go about correcting this? I do not want to have to go to therapy, that would only make me think less of myself i feel. Even with a successful diagnosis of a physical medical condition would not sway me in favor of a lighter ideal i do not think. It would only lead me to think "wow, i had to go to a shrink to find out i was messed up, that's pathetic" simply because that's how I am, everyone who knows me and reads this can attest to that I hope. If not, i've done a much better job hiding it than I had thought. I'm not historically a sad person, at least not consistently. I have my moments, yes, but right now I just have a very very pessimistic, apathetic view about my life except for college. I simply want for something to come along and make these last few months of high school that much more interesting. Ideally, this would come in the form of a girlfriend so I may not be entirely pathetic in college having been on one (maybe) date in my life up to college.
On that note, let me go into my philosophy about girls.
Simply put, they are not to be trusted. I find them very infuriating at times, but at other times, they are more mature and intelligent than most guys, but i still suspect even that is a show sometimes. too much deception, too many lies, too many angles. That being said, I have always made efforts to treat girls as everything but objects, or anything of the sort. But this always seems to lead to them getting to the point of friends with me and that is that. Whenever I truly attempt to go beyond the bounds of normal friendship with any girl, I fail miserably because I cannot bring myself to treat any of them i care about that much with anything less than what I feel they deserve, which includes a life minus me attached. Do I NEED to start acting more of a prick and a dickhead around girls to attract them to me? To make them realize that i in fact are worth taking a second glance at and that I have a personality that might actually be worth investigating further, that I don't just think about girls and sports and masturbation and that I can actually perceive life beyond the edge of my nose???
To this end I am clueless, but here again I find myself giving myself credit where it is probably not due. I highly doubt that I am actually worth more than other guys. If a girl falls for another guy, it is undoubtedly because he has done something to deserve that girl I suppose.... So be it, I'll merely continue on my own little trek and end up wherever my path leads me. Wherever it goes though, I'm sure it will end in social oblivion. Lucky me :/
When I feel the warmth of your very sould, I forget I'm cold and crying
Ok, so, i don't even think that i am upset or anything, but i do believe that I am worried now.
I can easily come to terms with the realization that I am lame and that it is unlikely i will get laid before at least junior year in college (my best guess) but that's just what scares me. How easily I can accept that....
What is it about me that is so willing to accept the worst about myself and allows me not to even offer the slightest protest to what I quite genuinely don't always think. I know I have some good attributes, but for whatever reason, none of them are coming to mind, and i am far quicker to dismiss them as delusions than accept that there might actually be something about me that's worthwhile. It is in this sense that I am most deeply scared, I am afraid that I now crave some kind of outward symbol or evidence to prove to myself as well as others that I don't in fact suck (i.e. girlfriend, impressive feature, well-built body, non-sucky shoulder, whatever). Why is it that I desire something like that when I can be more than perfectly happy with just what I have right now, it's just fucking ridiculous. Times like these make me want to thrash out at something to blame for making me this way when in reality i have to come to accept that I am what I am, I am the largest portion of the factors that lead to my character being different than everyone else's.
How should I go about correcting this? I do not want to have to go to therapy, that would only make me think less of myself i feel. Even with a successful diagnosis of a physical medical condition would not sway me in favor of a lighter ideal i do not think. It would only lead me to think "wow, i had to go to a shrink to find out i was messed up, that's pathetic" simply because that's how I am, everyone who knows me and reads this can attest to that I hope. If not, i've done a much better job hiding it than I had thought. I'm not historically a sad person, at least not consistently. I have my moments, yes, but right now I just have a very very pessimistic, apathetic view about my life except for college. I simply want for something to come along and make these last few months of high school that much more interesting. Ideally, this would come in the form of a girlfriend so I may not be entirely pathetic in college having been on one (maybe) date in my life up to college.
On that note, let me go into my philosophy about girls.
Simply put, they are not to be trusted. I find them very infuriating at times, but at other times, they are more mature and intelligent than most guys, but i still suspect even that is a show sometimes. too much deception, too many lies, too many angles. That being said, I have always made efforts to treat girls as everything but objects, or anything of the sort. But this always seems to lead to them getting to the point of friends with me and that is that. Whenever I truly attempt to go beyond the bounds of normal friendship with any girl, I fail miserably because I cannot bring myself to treat any of them i care about that much with anything less than what I feel they deserve, which includes a life minus me attached. Do I NEED to start acting more of a prick and a dickhead around girls to attract them to me? To make them realize that i in fact are worth taking a second glance at and that I have a personality that might actually be worth investigating further, that I don't just think about girls and sports and masturbation and that I can actually perceive life beyond the edge of my nose???
To this end I am clueless, but here again I find myself giving myself credit where it is probably not due. I highly doubt that I am actually worth more than other guys. If a girl falls for another guy, it is undoubtedly because he has done something to deserve that girl I suppose.... So be it, I'll merely continue on my own little trek and end up wherever my path leads me. Wherever it goes though, I'm sure it will end in social oblivion. Lucky me :/
When I feel the warmth of your very sould, I forget I'm cold and crying