(no subject)
I'm doing a paper where I have to stage a family therapy session with my family of origin and have to play the therapist, myself, and all the members of my original family.
During this time, I'm also having problems with exhaustion, nervous tension, perfectionism, and body image concerns. My housemate said something again about how I'd put on a lot of weight, and my self-esteem just plummeted. That was last night. I called my mother, and she started giving me diet tips. I called Mark (he isn't home) and he told me I should go on the South Beach diet with him and if I didn't, I wasn't supporting him in his diet. Never once in all of this did anyone say anything like "I think you're still attractive" or "you're just fine the way you are". All of this made me feel like maybe I am horribly ugly and that I've finally gone over the line where I can objecively been considered attractive. I keep feeling the excess weight and hating myself. At the same time, I can't help but think that nobody in my family or in my immediate environment seems capable of or willing to accept me as I am. THere's always something substandard about me. I am having panic attacks and getting almost suicidally depressed. THere's nobody home who I can call that I trust.
Maybe I do use Live Journal as a forum when nobody else is around and I'm freaking out. Maybe I'm not using it often enough, and maybe I should have a picture up, but sometimes I just do the best I can. And it seems like the people in my life don't think that is good enough, and frankly, neither do I. And there lies the problem.
During this time, I'm also having problems with exhaustion, nervous tension, perfectionism, and body image concerns. My housemate said something again about how I'd put on a lot of weight, and my self-esteem just plummeted. That was last night. I called my mother, and she started giving me diet tips. I called Mark (he isn't home) and he told me I should go on the South Beach diet with him and if I didn't, I wasn't supporting him in his diet. Never once in all of this did anyone say anything like "I think you're still attractive" or "you're just fine the way you are". All of this made me feel like maybe I am horribly ugly and that I've finally gone over the line where I can objecively been considered attractive. I keep feeling the excess weight and hating myself. At the same time, I can't help but think that nobody in my family or in my immediate environment seems capable of or willing to accept me as I am. THere's always something substandard about me. I am having panic attacks and getting almost suicidally depressed. THere's nobody home who I can call that I trust.
Maybe I do use Live Journal as a forum when nobody else is around and I'm freaking out. Maybe I'm not using it often enough, and maybe I should have a picture up, but sometimes I just do the best I can. And it seems like the people in my life don't think that is good enough, and frankly, neither do I. And there lies the problem.