(no subject)

[tenderfoot]

Work capacity. Work threshold. I don't know the difference. I know tonight, during a four round set, I misunderstood my trainer and thought I was done. I walked away from the bike and then he told me I had one more round. My endurance died. My mental work capacity just quit. I didn't have it anymore and I still had to do at least one more round. After that round, right before I got off the bike he told me I had one more round to go. After the one I thought was my last, I still had one more. I was pissed. But that didn't help my work capacity. I don't work well when I'm angry. I work well when I'm angry at myself. Not when I'm angry at other people. This has happened numerous times. I get angry at someone else for whatever reason and my ability to work just dies. I finished. I didn't give up. I wanted to. I stopped working as hard. I stopped digging such a deep hole. I still performed well, to somebody's standards, not mine. And by performing well I mean my numbers were impressive. I guess. I don't want to beat myself up about this but I hate that I gave up like that. I have excuses. I don't know if they are valid or not. I only slept for five hours today. I'm struggling with some demons right now and fighting those demons might be sucking all my energy. My mind is consumed with the fact that I'm worried about my dream. That I don't have the knowledge to open my own gym. But I'm four months into my dream. Still in the planning stages. Of course I won't have the knowledge to open my own gym right now. That takes time. And I have time. According to my budget I won't be able to move until 2013. I'm still fighting the realization of that. I want it to be sooner but maybe it shouldn't be. I know I have many lessons to learn. Much knowledge to acquire. Much work to be done. I just hate when I feel like I quit. But as my good friend told me, I didn't quit. I completed the workout. I stayed put.

sigh. Battles. always battling.

struggle well, friends.