tell me, do you trust me
Regardless if the book is right, regardless if he misread everything, if I misread everything, regardless of entitlement and condescension, I feel compelled to love more. There is nothing wrong with that. I have not lost my faith. I feel, if anything, that I have grown in my faith. I feel like it has been simplified and complicated all at the same time. I'm just going to love.
When I was in the desert I read through my journal and came to two realizations. One, that I'm an incredibly angry person. Two, that 95% of my anger is useless. It's useless because it doesn't spark any forward motion in my life. The 5% of my anger that is useful is aimed towards changing the way society and people view those of us that struggle with depression/suicide/self-mutilation, and the way the justice system views ex-cons, specifically sex-offenders. That kind of anger is useful. It puts a fire in my belly that won't burn out. The rest of the anger is pointless and it only frustrates me to the point of shutting down and stepping away from community. This is not good. This anger is useless and it really bothers me that I struggle so much with it.
One way to combat anger is to love. Even when people insult you. Even when they verbally attack you and tell you you're worthless. Even when they attack you physically. Love. Love is the easier choice. Anger takes work. Nothing is more exhausting then mentally stewing over a wrong or an injustice. Nothing is more hopeless than hating someone. Hate changes nothing. Hate challenges nothing. Hate has physical effects on our body, i.e heartburn, indigestion, restlessness, loss of sleep, and if you struggle with self-mutilation, well, scars. I've never hurt myself because I loved someone. I've never had heartburn because I loved someone. I've lost sleep over people I thought I loved, but that's different. Love. Love takes work, but it's a different kind. Hatred elevates me to a position of entitlement. That I was wronged. Hatred puts me on a pedestal of pride. I don't want either of those things. Love requires us to lose the sense of ownership and entitlement and pride. There is no room for pride when you love. There is no room for pedestals or heightened positions when you love. Love requires us to be in the gutter, whether we're throwing out our garbage or helping someone throw out theirs. Gutters. Love requires us to own up to the fact that we own nothing, that we are entitled to nothing, that we are nothing...without love and without our brothers and sisters. Cain was wrong, and it's hard for me to say this, because I resonate with Cain, I've always said that I'm not from Adam, but from Cain. Well, that's just my self-hatred speaking. Cain was wrong. I am my brother's keeper. How can I keep my brother if I hate him? I've experienced this first hand with my brother Jake. We were inseparable throughout high school. Literally. We even started to look like each other. Jealousy and envy and anger over wrongs committed caused us to part ways and we hated each other for the better part of 4 years. Well, I don't want to speak for him, I hated him for that period. I think. I'm not sure on the exact amount of time, but it was too long. Did we accomplish anything in those years of hatred? I know I didn't. Was I helping him, was I 'keeping' him? No. I abandoned him because I felt wronged. Who the hell am I to abandon my brother? Who the hell am I to feel wronged? I abandoned my brother. This tears me apart. He struggled and suffered and I wasn't there to be with him. I'm not even sure I could have helped him, but that doesn't matter. I could have been there. I could have held him and cried with him. But I was too caught up in my wounded pride and my cracked pedestal. Thank God I came off that shit. Thank God I was thrown, forcefully, off my pedestal. Thank God Jake has a forgiving heart and we are now in community with each other. I don't know if that makes sense or if I'm even making a point.
I'm tired of being so angry. It wears me out. It wastes my talents. It wastes my thoughts. It wastes my emotions and my words. I don't want to fill up journals with angry and spiteful words. My only way out of this is to love. And I will fail. I don't expect my anger to dissipate instantly, but I will combat my anger with love. It's so freeing. Love.
I hope I made sense.
When I was in the desert I read through my journal and came to two realizations. One, that I'm an incredibly angry person. Two, that 95% of my anger is useless. It's useless because it doesn't spark any forward motion in my life. The 5% of my anger that is useful is aimed towards changing the way society and people view those of us that struggle with depression/suicide/self-mutilation, and the way the justice system views ex-cons, specifically sex-offenders. That kind of anger is useful. It puts a fire in my belly that won't burn out. The rest of the anger is pointless and it only frustrates me to the point of shutting down and stepping away from community. This is not good. This anger is useless and it really bothers me that I struggle so much with it.
One way to combat anger is to love. Even when people insult you. Even when they verbally attack you and tell you you're worthless. Even when they attack you physically. Love. Love is the easier choice. Anger takes work. Nothing is more exhausting then mentally stewing over a wrong or an injustice. Nothing is more hopeless than hating someone. Hate changes nothing. Hate challenges nothing. Hate has physical effects on our body, i.e heartburn, indigestion, restlessness, loss of sleep, and if you struggle with self-mutilation, well, scars. I've never hurt myself because I loved someone. I've never had heartburn because I loved someone. I've lost sleep over people I thought I loved, but that's different. Love. Love takes work, but it's a different kind. Hatred elevates me to a position of entitlement. That I was wronged. Hatred puts me on a pedestal of pride. I don't want either of those things. Love requires us to lose the sense of ownership and entitlement and pride. There is no room for pride when you love. There is no room for pedestals or heightened positions when you love. Love requires us to be in the gutter, whether we're throwing out our garbage or helping someone throw out theirs. Gutters. Love requires us to own up to the fact that we own nothing, that we are entitled to nothing, that we are nothing...without love and without our brothers and sisters. Cain was wrong, and it's hard for me to say this, because I resonate with Cain, I've always said that I'm not from Adam, but from Cain. Well, that's just my self-hatred speaking. Cain was wrong. I am my brother's keeper. How can I keep my brother if I hate him? I've experienced this first hand with my brother Jake. We were inseparable throughout high school. Literally. We even started to look like each other. Jealousy and envy and anger over wrongs committed caused us to part ways and we hated each other for the better part of 4 years. Well, I don't want to speak for him, I hated him for that period. I think. I'm not sure on the exact amount of time, but it was too long. Did we accomplish anything in those years of hatred? I know I didn't. Was I helping him, was I 'keeping' him? No. I abandoned him because I felt wronged. Who the hell am I to abandon my brother? Who the hell am I to feel wronged? I abandoned my brother. This tears me apart. He struggled and suffered and I wasn't there to be with him. I'm not even sure I could have helped him, but that doesn't matter. I could have been there. I could have held him and cried with him. But I was too caught up in my wounded pride and my cracked pedestal. Thank God I came off that shit. Thank God I was thrown, forcefully, off my pedestal. Thank God Jake has a forgiving heart and we are now in community with each other. I don't know if that makes sense or if I'm even making a point.
I'm tired of being so angry. It wears me out. It wastes my talents. It wastes my thoughts. It wastes my emotions and my words. I don't want to fill up journals with angry and spiteful words. My only way out of this is to love. And I will fail. I don't expect my anger to dissipate instantly, but I will combat my anger with love. It's so freeing. Love.
I hope I made sense.