"I live on desire, well past hope"
I realized that there is a difference between having no concern for your life while serving the Kingdom and then having no concern for your life, Kingdom or not. I believe this is why I have been rejected by mission companies. Maybe they could hear in my speech that I have no concern for my life. That I wasn't really joining them to spread the Kingdom of Heaven but to escape my life. I never told them this but I think they could 'hear' it. That whole sixth sense thing. I'm not as angry at them anymore. Which is good. Still angry at Hamburg County, but I'm working on that as well.
But that still makes me angry. Can I not still serve and not care what happens to me? Not because I know I'm going to heaven but because I don't really want to be here anymore. I'm still helping. The ditch is still getting dug(does that make sense?). The well is being drilled. The hospital is being built. Who cares if I don't really want to exist anymore as long as I'm working for free and not complaining. Which I wouldn't be. As of right now I will not end my life, but I won't walk away from dangerous situations, which is (sort of) why I want to go work in some crazy country where militias are still running around. I know that is horrible. I mean, I know that is terrible for me to say, but it's what I feel. Maybe I can go rescue kids from being forced into war zones. Oh shit, that's right, I can never work with kids. Scratch that. Maybe a beam would fall on my head while I'm building the hospital or a drunk driver would hit me while I'm on my way to serve in a soup kitchen. I know that while I'm doing all these 'good' deeds that my heart is in it. That I really want people to live better lives. I want people to stop dying from hunger or from thirst. I want people to stop freezing. I want people to stop feeling like they are ignored by a shit load of the population, which they are. I want kids to stop fighting wars for adults. I want all these things because I'm a good person. I don't know if I want these things because of the Kingdom. I really don't. But just because I want these things for other people does not mean that I want them for me. I wish I could trade my life (minus the felony, depression, and addiction to hurting myself) with anyone that is suffering from the above mentioned problems. I wouldn't be doing these things to store up treasures in heaven because I think that whole concept is shit. I want to be selfless because I don't like myself. Actually, we can just take self out of that and it can just be less. I want to be less. That is my desire. But I'm not selfish enough to kill myself. At least not right now. I recently learned that if suicidal thoughts bang around in your head long enough, they manifest into actions. Even if you feel like you could never do it because images of all the people you love pop into your head the second you try and the knife falls to the floor or the top goes back on the pill bottle, eventually you'll succeed. I thought I could go through life with the thoughts because (for some odd reason) there are a ton of people in my life that dearly love me. Beyond words and actions, but also through words and actions. I thought if I had them around I could make it, but it's getting pretty hard and I'm only twenty four. I cannot imagine another seventy years of living like this. Even if I was helping out the needy, the homeless, the broken, whoever everyday. If I was making someone smile everyday it wouldn't matter. My life is full of beautiful people and relationships. When I'm around them I can distract myself, for a little bit, and almost live vicariously through them. But I can't be around them all the time. I can't fall asleep with them. They can't be in my dreams, protecting me, they can't be in my head telling my thoughts to go fuck with someone else. No, it's only me and my thoughts for 80% of my life. I'm not great at math but even I know that percentage is big. When I try to tell people about my thoughts, if it makes sense(because I'm being robbed of my ability to convey my thoughts through speech or through words, as you can tell by this piece of shit rant) whatever they say to me doesn't make sense. I try to listen. I try to understand it. I try to apply it. I'm also realizing that I don't want help. That was hard to realize. Especially with how much I've talked to people about how I can't stand people that cry about their problems but don't want any help. I'm one of those people. So I'm going to do my best not to cry about my problems, because I'm asking for them. So why the hell am I typing this all out. I don't really know. I do know this, the more I write, the more I realize truths in my life. Even if I cannot make them make sense to you, the reader, they make sense to me. And that helps. I don't know if it helps, but it helps me not lie to myself anymore. Regardless if the lie actually helped me or not. I think the fact that this is going to a public forum helps as well. When I write in my journal it is never this clear. It's all cryptic and terrible(how can you write cryptically to yourself?) I don't think I find my identity in my problems. Because I was a good person before they happened. I'm still a good person today, I just don't think about the future. And not in the biblical way, which is healthy. Before my problems I imagined that I would be a singer/songwriter or maybe a poet. Music and writing have helped me get through a lot in life but now they are leaving me. I cannot write music anymore and like I said before, all I write in my journal is cryptic and cliche. Or full of rhetorical questions. I would never have called myself an eloquent speaker, but now, it's getting ridiculous. I feel drunk when I speak because I see the sentence in front of me, but then ten other thoughts jam together and I end up picking words from each one and spewing them out and it makes no sense. And you have this quizzical look on your face. Or I say the same thing to you that I said yesterday and the day before that. "Have you ever watched "It's always sunny in Philadelphia?" I'm losing focus now.
What carries me through each day? What gets me up in the morning/early afternoon/late afternoon? Helping people out. Knowing that on Saturdays Nate needs help setting up and on Sundays he needs help breaking down. That on thanksgiving day Russ needs help serving food to three thousand people. That all of last week Genesis needed help breaking down and moving their office. That everyday people need help. I want to be there for them. You would think that since so many people need help in this world and I want to help them, that that would be enough to get me through life.
But their has to be more. There has to be something else. And I'm not sure if it's the Kingdom or not. I thought I could never give up my faith or give up on God. I cannot say "there is no God" because I know there is. But I can say I refuse to believe in You, or believe in Your Omnibenevolence. That would make life a lot easier. I could chalk up all the evil things I've done to a world that is unfair and evil, not being watched over by a God that is all good. I could chalk up all the shit that happens in this world to the same thing. I can accept that. I can accept life just being crappy and cruel and unfair. What I cannot accept is life being shitty and incredibly hard, but also believing in a God that loves us and wants the best for us. And we only get to see glimpses of Him. If that. And if we do get to see Him it's always through a pair of christian glasses. "I saw God through this or through this." I have never actually seen God. No one has. I know that's the point of faith. But I want to see God. My faith is dying. I want some proof outside of the work of His people or through His creation. I want a burning bush in my front yard, or writing on the wall in my room. I want God to tell me I'm living a terrible and pointless life. Because I want to believe in Him. And I know I should just suck it up, and believe, but I can't. Not anymore. I know I would die if I saw him because I am completely impure, but at least for one second I'd know. And at least I'd be dead. I know now that I'm challenging God that my life will probably get worse. I'll probably go back to prison or my parents will die or something. But I can't keep these thoughts in my head anymore. I can't seem to be 'ok' or 'getting by' when I'm not. And even when I say it I know people know differently. I'm not a good liar. If God really knows us, can relate to us through his son Jesus, who was fully man, than why am I having such a hard time feeling Him or seeing Him? Doesn't he know what I'm thinking and feeling and yet, I still sit here, alone, untouched, not wanting help unless it is God himself. It's just me and this stupid plastic box in front of me.
I better finish before I end up offending everyone in the world. I don't want to offend people. I know I said I don't want help, but I still want friends. Is that hypocritical? I am sorry if I've offended anyone.
But that still makes me angry. Can I not still serve and not care what happens to me? Not because I know I'm going to heaven but because I don't really want to be here anymore. I'm still helping. The ditch is still getting dug(does that make sense?). The well is being drilled. The hospital is being built. Who cares if I don't really want to exist anymore as long as I'm working for free and not complaining. Which I wouldn't be. As of right now I will not end my life, but I won't walk away from dangerous situations, which is (sort of) why I want to go work in some crazy country where militias are still running around. I know that is horrible. I mean, I know that is terrible for me to say, but it's what I feel. Maybe I can go rescue kids from being forced into war zones. Oh shit, that's right, I can never work with kids. Scratch that. Maybe a beam would fall on my head while I'm building the hospital or a drunk driver would hit me while I'm on my way to serve in a soup kitchen. I know that while I'm doing all these 'good' deeds that my heart is in it. That I really want people to live better lives. I want people to stop dying from hunger or from thirst. I want people to stop freezing. I want people to stop feeling like they are ignored by a shit load of the population, which they are. I want kids to stop fighting wars for adults. I want all these things because I'm a good person. I don't know if I want these things because of the Kingdom. I really don't. But just because I want these things for other people does not mean that I want them for me. I wish I could trade my life (minus the felony, depression, and addiction to hurting myself) with anyone that is suffering from the above mentioned problems. I wouldn't be doing these things to store up treasures in heaven because I think that whole concept is shit. I want to be selfless because I don't like myself. Actually, we can just take self out of that and it can just be less. I want to be less. That is my desire. But I'm not selfish enough to kill myself. At least not right now. I recently learned that if suicidal thoughts bang around in your head long enough, they manifest into actions. Even if you feel like you could never do it because images of all the people you love pop into your head the second you try and the knife falls to the floor or the top goes back on the pill bottle, eventually you'll succeed. I thought I could go through life with the thoughts because (for some odd reason) there are a ton of people in my life that dearly love me. Beyond words and actions, but also through words and actions. I thought if I had them around I could make it, but it's getting pretty hard and I'm only twenty four. I cannot imagine another seventy years of living like this. Even if I was helping out the needy, the homeless, the broken, whoever everyday. If I was making someone smile everyday it wouldn't matter. My life is full of beautiful people and relationships. When I'm around them I can distract myself, for a little bit, and almost live vicariously through them. But I can't be around them all the time. I can't fall asleep with them. They can't be in my dreams, protecting me, they can't be in my head telling my thoughts to go fuck with someone else. No, it's only me and my thoughts for 80% of my life. I'm not great at math but even I know that percentage is big. When I try to tell people about my thoughts, if it makes sense(because I'm being robbed of my ability to convey my thoughts through speech or through words, as you can tell by this piece of shit rant) whatever they say to me doesn't make sense. I try to listen. I try to understand it. I try to apply it. I'm also realizing that I don't want help. That was hard to realize. Especially with how much I've talked to people about how I can't stand people that cry about their problems but don't want any help. I'm one of those people. So I'm going to do my best not to cry about my problems, because I'm asking for them. So why the hell am I typing this all out. I don't really know. I do know this, the more I write, the more I realize truths in my life. Even if I cannot make them make sense to you, the reader, they make sense to me. And that helps. I don't know if it helps, but it helps me not lie to myself anymore. Regardless if the lie actually helped me or not. I think the fact that this is going to a public forum helps as well. When I write in my journal it is never this clear. It's all cryptic and terrible(how can you write cryptically to yourself?) I don't think I find my identity in my problems. Because I was a good person before they happened. I'm still a good person today, I just don't think about the future. And not in the biblical way, which is healthy. Before my problems I imagined that I would be a singer/songwriter or maybe a poet. Music and writing have helped me get through a lot in life but now they are leaving me. I cannot write music anymore and like I said before, all I write in my journal is cryptic and cliche. Or full of rhetorical questions. I would never have called myself an eloquent speaker, but now, it's getting ridiculous. I feel drunk when I speak because I see the sentence in front of me, but then ten other thoughts jam together and I end up picking words from each one and spewing them out and it makes no sense. And you have this quizzical look on your face. Or I say the same thing to you that I said yesterday and the day before that. "Have you ever watched "It's always sunny in Philadelphia?" I'm losing focus now.
What carries me through each day? What gets me up in the morning/early afternoon/late afternoon? Helping people out. Knowing that on Saturdays Nate needs help setting up and on Sundays he needs help breaking down. That on thanksgiving day Russ needs help serving food to three thousand people. That all of last week Genesis needed help breaking down and moving their office. That everyday people need help. I want to be there for them. You would think that since so many people need help in this world and I want to help them, that that would be enough to get me through life.
But their has to be more. There has to be something else. And I'm not sure if it's the Kingdom or not. I thought I could never give up my faith or give up on God. I cannot say "there is no God" because I know there is. But I can say I refuse to believe in You, or believe in Your Omnibenevolence. That would make life a lot easier. I could chalk up all the evil things I've done to a world that is unfair and evil, not being watched over by a God that is all good. I could chalk up all the shit that happens in this world to the same thing. I can accept that. I can accept life just being crappy and cruel and unfair. What I cannot accept is life being shitty and incredibly hard, but also believing in a God that loves us and wants the best for us. And we only get to see glimpses of Him. If that. And if we do get to see Him it's always through a pair of christian glasses. "I saw God through this or through this." I have never actually seen God. No one has. I know that's the point of faith. But I want to see God. My faith is dying. I want some proof outside of the work of His people or through His creation. I want a burning bush in my front yard, or writing on the wall in my room. I want God to tell me I'm living a terrible and pointless life. Because I want to believe in Him. And I know I should just suck it up, and believe, but I can't. Not anymore. I know I would die if I saw him because I am completely impure, but at least for one second I'd know. And at least I'd be dead. I know now that I'm challenging God that my life will probably get worse. I'll probably go back to prison or my parents will die or something. But I can't keep these thoughts in my head anymore. I can't seem to be 'ok' or 'getting by' when I'm not. And even when I say it I know people know differently. I'm not a good liar. If God really knows us, can relate to us through his son Jesus, who was fully man, than why am I having such a hard time feeling Him or seeing Him? Doesn't he know what I'm thinking and feeling and yet, I still sit here, alone, untouched, not wanting help unless it is God himself. It's just me and this stupid plastic box in front of me.
I better finish before I end up offending everyone in the world. I don't want to offend people. I know I said I don't want help, but I still want friends. Is that hypocritical? I am sorry if I've offended anyone.