i hate...
i hate myself on such a deep level that it's disgusting.
and because of this self-loathing, i'm afraid to let my best friend meet new people.
because she's one of those "pretty" girls. the ones that are only friends with other "pretty" girls and i'm just waiting for her to see that and leave me in the dust.
she's meeting a "friend" of ours roommate later this week. i don't know when...tomorrow? but she asked if i wanted to come with. i replied with "i wasn't invited." as she was walking out my door, i asked "what did cass say?" and she got this look of utter heartbreak on her face and said "she didn't want you to come."
i fully believe that cass is only friends with me because i go to shows with her. she doesn't actually like me.
she's puts up with my stories with looks of boredom.
she's implied that i was ugly.
she acts like she's only putting up with me.
she's one of those "pretty" thin girls that are only friends with other "pretty" thin girls.
i'm neither of those.
i'm waiting for 'trick to pack up all her things and leave me behind, realizing what everyone else already knows.
i'm not worth it.
and the thing is?
my heart is actually fucking breaking and i'm tearing up right now.
i'm tired of being the hated one: i'm tried of being hated on because i'm not thin or pretty or shit like that.
sometimes it's all too much and i just.
i can't do this anymore.
i can't handle this yo-yoing. i want to either be cast to the side like yesterday's newspaper or be held like a child's teddy bear.
i can't handle not knowing how long people are going to be around.
even though i know they're only going to be around as long as i'm convenient.
...
...
when will i stop being convenient?
and because of this self-loathing, i'm afraid to let my best friend meet new people.
because she's one of those "pretty" girls. the ones that are only friends with other "pretty" girls and i'm just waiting for her to see that and leave me in the dust.
she's meeting a "friend" of ours roommate later this week. i don't know when...tomorrow? but she asked if i wanted to come with. i replied with "i wasn't invited." as she was walking out my door, i asked "what did cass say?" and she got this look of utter heartbreak on her face and said "she didn't want you to come."
i fully believe that cass is only friends with me because i go to shows with her. she doesn't actually like me.
she's puts up with my stories with looks of boredom.
she's implied that i was ugly.
she acts like she's only putting up with me.
she's one of those "pretty" thin girls that are only friends with other "pretty" thin girls.
i'm neither of those.
i'm waiting for 'trick to pack up all her things and leave me behind, realizing what everyone else already knows.
i'm not worth it.
and the thing is?
my heart is actually fucking breaking and i'm tearing up right now.
i'm tired of being the hated one: i'm tried of being hated on because i'm not thin or pretty or shit like that.
sometimes it's all too much and i just.
i can't do this anymore.
i can't handle this yo-yoing. i want to either be cast to the side like yesterday's newspaper or be held like a child's teddy bear.
i can't handle not knowing how long people are going to be around.
even though i know they're only going to be around as long as i'm convenient.
...
...
when will i stop being convenient?