had to let it out

[tenacious_doa]

I saw solitude as this pillar of strength, when it went against my very nature. I have a capacity and a need for love that is suffocated by and in turn suffocates my addictive behavior. There's a void I try to fill that can't be filled. i can accept that with a little more serenity. Rather than needing to fill it and keep it full, I see there's a give and take, a balance. I have moments when I need more love than i can give, if I surround myself with people who can supply that love, I have nothing to fear. the knowledge of their presence in my life is sometimes enough. Many times when I give much or all of myself to others, i find it to be replenishing.
I used to covet deceit, i feel powerful with the thought of controlling the truth about me or the world in people's minds based on my words.It's easier to rely on that than face the difficulties of life's truths. Truth and lies, they both come so naturally to me. I equate it to survival, i'm not sure one can exist without the other, but at the same time they cannot co-inhabit one's behavior or frame of mind. the solitude is much scarier; with fear as a driving force we're capable or anything to keep us "safe" for our "survival". The compromises, the effort, the thought, the selflessness, the humility that goes along with love seems burdensome at times, but facing those inevitable parts of life alone is far far worse