For all we could have done, and all that could have been...
It's been a few days since I've posted, which generally means that this post may be a bit longer. So grab a drink, sit down, and enjoy your read.
Last weekend was a blast. Me, Roy and Sharon went downtown, had a great time, drink ALOT, and plan on doing it all over again soon. Sunday, I was pretty incapacitated and lethargic. I watched the Bears take the NFC (hell yea son!) and I chatted with a few people.
Monday... That's about all I can say about Monday's. I skipped German to take care of some business. It was well worth my sanity to skip German. I went to Strategic Weapons Control, which was actually pretty interesting. We ended up discussing the components of nuclear weapons, neutron bombs, and other fun and devastating products of war. American Presidency was quite interesting as well, though my mind was quite occupied. Blah. I ended the day by going to the gym and calling it a night.
Tuesday was a great day. I woke up early to try and settle some law school business...which didn't go very well. I went to Constitutional Law II afterwards; Lanier ended up drilling me on the difference between a civil right and a civil liberty, so if you need any clarification, let me know. The rest of the day was spent running errands, getting my hair cut, and running the events of the week through my mind. I ended up at the gym around 6 p.m. By the time I got home I started to feel pretty ill. My head was congested and my throat was beginning to tighten up. I immediately took some Nyquil and passed out. Heather had the bright idea to be completely unsympathetic; I mean, I don't expect pity, and I sure as hell don't expect to be taken care of, but a bit of quiet time or a few kind words of affirmation could be in order. Instead, I spent the night taking orders and feeling like a complete failure of a boyfriend. Bah.
I suppose that brings us to today. I woke up early to get some work done on my applications. When I got to school, however, a girl named Trish decided that wasn't a very good idea. When I went to back-in to my spot in the garage, she decided to hit the back of my car. I'm sure the look I gave her at first wasn't very kind. I parked, got out and assessed the situation. My car is a bit fucked up, but I couldn't help calming myself down. Trish seemed so apologetic and helpless. It could have been a complete act, but, then again, I'm an absolute sucker for a pretty face. I really had no desire to get an accident report, but my mother told me that I had to. As I articulated my mother's desire, Trish locked her keys in her car. We both cracked up at how awful our day had begun. We exchanged information via a civilian U.C.F community officer and said our good-byes. Hopefully my kindness made her day, or something like that. Maybe my actions made her day a bit better, or maybe no one ever fucking notices. Bah.
I then proceeded to get into a conversation with a kid in my Strategic class. He told me he was going to take a year off of school before entering law school. I was absolutely baffled. He expressed his concern over the things he may never have the ability to do again once he entered law school. While I knew this fact before considering law school, it couldn't have hit me harder at that moment; once I get to law school, there's no turning back...
The rest of my day has been spent mulling things over. Roughly 4 people have told me I wasn't 'acting like myself' today. I can't help but feel a bit offended by it. I do everything I can to to make peoples lives a little bit better, to be that positive influence in their lives...but sometimes I feel like I'm going to explode. I try to be an upbeat and positive presence in my friends lives. But what most people don't realize is that I hold everything that may be bothering me very close. Anything that may be antagonizing me just gets pushed aside all day; if I have the chance to address anything, it isn't until far into the night. Eventually that shit builds up and I feel the need to self-destruct I don't want to let anyone down, but I have my days. I'm sick, I've been medicated all day, I have sooo much shit I've been neglecting, my relationship is rocky at best, my family is so dysfunctional right now, my future is looming over my head like a storm-cloud, etc. There may be a day or two that I can't subvert all of these variables to 'be myself.' And I feel like a complete failure as a human being when I can't come through for the people who care about me. I know they are concerned and I know I'm being defensive, but they don't seem to understand that I don't want to upset them, I don't want to let them down. I know what it's like to feel let down, even on the most nominal level, and it sucks real bad.
Anyway, I just fought with my sig. other again. I tried to convince her that everything was my fault and that I just needed a bit of space. I hope she feels better about herself and about our relationship. I can't do much more tonight. I'm finally medicated and ready to sleep...indefinitely.
Last weekend was a blast. Me, Roy and Sharon went downtown, had a great time, drink ALOT, and plan on doing it all over again soon. Sunday, I was pretty incapacitated and lethargic. I watched the Bears take the NFC (hell yea son!) and I chatted with a few people.
Monday... That's about all I can say about Monday's. I skipped German to take care of some business. It was well worth my sanity to skip German. I went to Strategic Weapons Control, which was actually pretty interesting. We ended up discussing the components of nuclear weapons, neutron bombs, and other fun and devastating products of war. American Presidency was quite interesting as well, though my mind was quite occupied. Blah. I ended the day by going to the gym and calling it a night.
Tuesday was a great day. I woke up early to try and settle some law school business...which didn't go very well. I went to Constitutional Law II afterwards; Lanier ended up drilling me on the difference between a civil right and a civil liberty, so if you need any clarification, let me know. The rest of the day was spent running errands, getting my hair cut, and running the events of the week through my mind. I ended up at the gym around 6 p.m. By the time I got home I started to feel pretty ill. My head was congested and my throat was beginning to tighten up. I immediately took some Nyquil and passed out. Heather had the bright idea to be completely unsympathetic; I mean, I don't expect pity, and I sure as hell don't expect to be taken care of, but a bit of quiet time or a few kind words of affirmation could be in order. Instead, I spent the night taking orders and feeling like a complete failure of a boyfriend. Bah.
I suppose that brings us to today. I woke up early to get some work done on my applications. When I got to school, however, a girl named Trish decided that wasn't a very good idea. When I went to back-in to my spot in the garage, she decided to hit the back of my car. I'm sure the look I gave her at first wasn't very kind. I parked, got out and assessed the situation. My car is a bit fucked up, but I couldn't help calming myself down. Trish seemed so apologetic and helpless. It could have been a complete act, but, then again, I'm an absolute sucker for a pretty face. I really had no desire to get an accident report, but my mother told me that I had to. As I articulated my mother's desire, Trish locked her keys in her car. We both cracked up at how awful our day had begun. We exchanged information via a civilian U.C.F community officer and said our good-byes. Hopefully my kindness made her day, or something like that. Maybe my actions made her day a bit better, or maybe no one ever fucking notices. Bah.
I then proceeded to get into a conversation with a kid in my Strategic class. He told me he was going to take a year off of school before entering law school. I was absolutely baffled. He expressed his concern over the things he may never have the ability to do again once he entered law school. While I knew this fact before considering law school, it couldn't have hit me harder at that moment; once I get to law school, there's no turning back...
The rest of my day has been spent mulling things over. Roughly 4 people have told me I wasn't 'acting like myself' today. I can't help but feel a bit offended by it. I do everything I can to to make peoples lives a little bit better, to be that positive influence in their lives...but sometimes I feel like I'm going to explode. I try to be an upbeat and positive presence in my friends lives. But what most people don't realize is that I hold everything that may be bothering me very close. Anything that may be antagonizing me just gets pushed aside all day; if I have the chance to address anything, it isn't until far into the night. Eventually that shit builds up and I feel the need to self-destruct I don't want to let anyone down, but I have my days. I'm sick, I've been medicated all day, I have sooo much shit I've been neglecting, my relationship is rocky at best, my family is so dysfunctional right now, my future is looming over my head like a storm-cloud, etc. There may be a day or two that I can't subvert all of these variables to 'be myself.' And I feel like a complete failure as a human being when I can't come through for the people who care about me. I know they are concerned and I know I'm being defensive, but they don't seem to understand that I don't want to upset them, I don't want to let them down. I know what it's like to feel let down, even on the most nominal level, and it sucks real bad.
Anyway, I just fought with my sig. other again. I tried to convince her that everything was my fault and that I just needed a bit of space. I hope she feels better about herself and about our relationship. I can't do much more tonight. I'm finally medicated and ready to sleep...indefinitely.