fanfic: what matters most
Title: What Matters Most
Author: Jocelyn
Fandom: Glee
Rating: PG 13
Pairings: Rachel/Quinn
Word Count: 6167ish.
Spoilers: None.
Disclaimer: None of this belongs to me.
Summary: It all starts with a night a fun and Quinn finds herself falling for one Rachel Berry.
A/N: Enjoy guys :) Read and review. Songs used are Mine (Taylor Swift), Forever (Long Story Short), Caved In (Long Story Short), Wish You Were Here (Avril Lavigne) and the title comes from What Mattered Most. Also, the timeline is a bit screwy. I wrote it first. Then realized I messed it up and got too lazy to fix it.
The first time it happens is when they are both extremely inebriated. Hands are clumsy as they tear each other’s clothes off. They bestow kisses that are messy, sloppy and their exploratory hands are far from timid as they both conquer planes that few others have seen. Bodies fall half on and half off the bed in their haste to get to each other but somehow throughout the night, the two of them end up firmly on the bed and together they fall asleep. Limbs entangled, the blonde’s arms wrap themselves around the brunette.
And that’s how they, or at least Quinn, wake up.
The sheets barely cover her nude form and she can’t quite decide whether the pounding headache is the signal of the beginning to a horrible bad day or not. Last time she woke up next to somebody in this sort of condition had lead to her pregnancy. Somehow through the haze of sleep blanketing her mind, she realizes all too well that the body she is cuddling up with is far too curvaceous and feminine to be Finn or Sam or even Puck.
Realization strikes her like a bolt of lightening as she hurriedly pushes herself away from the body planted snug against her side. In the process of doing so, she ends up falling onto the floor and dragging a good portion of the blankets with her. Her breathing is staccato like as she tries to calm down her racing heart and prays to a Lord she does not believe in for the girl in the bed with her to remain asleep.
Quinn lies on the floor for several moments and waits for someone’s face to peek at her over the bed but nothing of the sorts happens. She hears deep breathing still and some vague muttering about Barbra Streisand and all the blonde wants to do is to die in a hole. She hesitantly peaks at the bed’s occupant and groans. Of all people she could have chosen to fallen into bed with, it had to be Rachel Berry, diva, future supposed Broadway star and her loathing enemy.
The blonde cheerleader stands up and searches for her clothes and throws on her top. She glances at Rachel one last time before she sneaks out of the room, glad that the brunette is apparently a deep sleeper. From the moment she departs from the room, she vows that all thoughts of this night are forbidden. She fights hard to push away the horrid thoughts that Berry of all people looks far too adorable with her hair mussed and an innocent smile gracing her beautiful features.
-
Parties don’t often include a brunette by the name of Rachel Barbra Berry, at least not the ones Quinn attends with the other Cheerios but when they do, it’s definitely not the last time they fall into bed with each other, comforting and familiar, both of them drunk.
-
Brittany chatters excitedly behind Quinn to Santana. The Latina endures the other girl’s endless excitement and questions with easy grace and affection and for some reason that makes an easy smile come to her face. With Brittany there are no secret agendas, just blunt truth and honesty, a rarity in high school but something Quinn appreciates more and more lately.
Other things Quinn appreciates more lately? Glee club, oddly enough. She looks forward to it now. Most of the time she doesn’t bother to acknowledge the existence of the yammering diva because now that she’s back to being head bitch in charge, she won’t throw it away for anything. For her though, Glee has become an excuse to be able to be in the same room as the brunette (sober) and not be looked at funny if she wasn’t making scathing remarks that send Rachel bursting into tears. That’s why Quinn has a genuine smile on her face as she trots into Glee with Brittany and Santana behind her, linking pinkies.
However, the smile on her face disappears almost immediately when she walks into the room and sees them together - Finn and Rachel. They are sitting obscenely close together and something seizes up in her and she has an urge to stomp up to the both of them and drag them apart. A lump forms in her throat but she studiously ignores them as she takes in a seat in the very back with Brittany by her side and Santana by hers.
Eventually the others trickle in and not long after, Mr. Schuester arrives, miraculously somehow late once again. Quinn briefly wonders if Mr. Schuester even owns a watch and how he managed to fair in high school with how many times he’s late but amused annoyance changes into disbelief and anger in a moment.
“This week you’ll all be singing songs about love,” he announces cheerfully, a smile on his face.
Her eyes inadvertently slips to Rachel but she looks away quickly. Sometimes Quinn wonders if Mr. Schuester has an internal compass on when to make his students lives a living hell. At least she understands how Rachel feels now when she complains that Mr. Schue is out to get her.
-
Quinn doesn’t want too. She really doesn’t but somehow her hazel eyes are attracted to her anyways and she’s all too painfully aware how much time she wastes staring at her back instead of paying attention to whatever the teacher is droning on about. A slight lop-sided smile graces her features as Rachel enthusiastically raises her arm to respond to a question only for the teacher to ignore her.
“Does anyone else want to give it a shot?” their teacher asks. Her eyes survey the room for an unwilling victim. “Quinn?”
She is caught off guard and the only reply she can come up with is a well dignified, “Huh?”
“Pay attention, Ms. Fabray,” the teacher chastises her lightly.
She tries to tear her eyes away but when all eyes turn back to the front of the classroom; her eyes are back on Rachel again. Tracing curves that her hands have mapped out a dozen times before and sometimes she wishes she wasn’t so drunk so she could memorize Rachel better in a moment most have never, will never, get to see her in.
But those moments, those nights are like a secret fairy tale universe and being inebriated is the only way to get there. Somehow Quinn manages to convince herself into thinking that if she is too sober Rachel will disappear and for some inexplicable reason, she cannot handle that thought.
-
“Hi Quinn!” a voice shouts from behind her.
Quinn jumps in surprise at the other blonde’s sudden appearance but turns around and smiles all the same. “Hi Brittany,” she replies. Being around Brittany made it hard to not be happy.
She goes back to grabbing things from her locker as the other blonde drapes herself against the lockers beside Quinn’s. “Do you like Rachel?” she asks in that blunt way of hers.
Quinn drops her backpack on her foot. She curses and spins to face to Brittany. “What did you say?”
“Do you like Rachel?” Brittany asks again.
“Keep your voice down, Brit,” Quinn leans in closer as she looks around to see if there are any skulking gossip mongers around.
“Oh, so you do!” she declares happily.
“I don’t,” Quinn shoots down the idea immediately.
“Oh,” Brittany responds sadly.
Quinn sighs. She hates seeing the other blonde sad. She also hates how intuitive Brittany seems because she doesn’t quite understand how Brittany of all people manages to notice that her gaze lingers far too long on Rachel and how her insults aren’t as forth coming anymore.
“Look, Brittany, you can’t tell this to anyone - even Santana,” most definitely not Santana because mockery would be instant before the Latina tackles her down from her high throne.
Brittany nods understandingly and once again Quinn wonders how the other blonde cheerleader can understand things so well when sometimes she forgets her own name.
“I think -” Quinn cuts herself off suddenly as Rachel walks by and she shakes her head. “Never mind, see you later B.”
She grabs her backpack, slams her locker shut and departs in the opposite direction of Rachel Berry. Quinn doesn’t love the girl, she loves the sex. She wonders how many times she has to tell herself that before it sounds convincing enough.
-
Rachel doesn’t go to many parties but somehow the two of them manage to find each other in the mass of sweaty, horny teenagers anyways when she is around. They meet, tipsy already and it’s the brunette that drags the blonde up the stairs and behind one of the many bedroom doors there. Quinn’s hands trail across familiar, comforting planes and her kisses are hard, fuelled by a sudden anger and jealousy that she can’t quite place. This was her Rachel, not Finn’s or any other hormonal boy but around the brunette, she felt like she was just one of the crowd. Too far below to ever catch up to the burning star, the floor beneath the chandelier.
But then Rachel bites at her bottom lip and stares at her with hooded eyes and anything else flies out of her mind.
And Quinn knows all too well what drives the diva insane and where Rachel is extra sensitive and with a sense of victory, she attacks her prize because these are things Finn Hudson, star quarterback or not, will never know.
A small victory but for her, it’s something.
Her eyes close and she enjoys the way Rachel’s soft hands trail across her shoulders, burning a fiery path across her skin and those lips that lather attention across her chest. She sighs and she moans in a way that only Rachel, her once loathsome enemy, knows how.
They spend the night intertwined and fall asleep entangled like usual.
Light filters through the windows and Quinn groans. Bright lights did not compute with her mind at the moment and she drags the sheets up to cover her eyes and somehow, it’s always like the first time.
Panic floods through her, more so then surprise these days. She knows that their night trysts are just that, trysts. Something the two of them never speak about beyond the moment. By now she should be scrambling out of the room and sneaking away to keep this world separate. A world she craves far too much.
Quinn moves quickly but just as she’s buttoning up her jeans the sheet rustle.
“Don’t go,” a soft voice whispers out.
She freezes. This was not how it was suppose to go.
“Please,” Rachel begs and she sounds all too vulnerable in that moment and Quinn knows that if she turns around the brunette will be wearing pout on her lips, slight tears in her eyes. Quinn knows that if she turns around, she will break down and stay.
And yet, she does it anyways because she’s so far into the blooming star that one step further into her chaotic hell is nothing.
The sheets rustle again, this time because Quinn is slipping back into them. She wraps her arms around Rachel, much like their position before and presses an all too soft kiss against the top of Rachel’s head. She’s all too aware of how nude the brunette is beside her and there’s a jumble of words that want to tumble out of her mouth, a torrent of emotions that she wants to discuss but a lump forms in her throat and none of it comes out.
And so she lies there, taking comfort in this rare moment because she isn’t quite sure how many more of these she will be afforded.
-
Rachel sings Mine by Taylor Swift the next day. Her eyes are trained tightly to Finn but Quinn swears she doesn’t imagine the times that those brown eyes slide to meet hazel. Hope blooms in her chest.
-
Things don’t change at first. Quinn still avoids Rachel most of the time except for Glee where the two of them gradually begin to sit together and share jokes and laughter and everyone else stares at them like they have both grown two heads. But slowly, gradually, Quinn begins to care a little less what others think and she hangs out by the brunette’s locker and walks Rachel to class a lot more.
Rachel sits beside her in her car and yammers away excitedly about some Broadway show or another. Christmas vacation is almost upon them and her dads have announced to Rachel that they’ll be taking her too New York as a present. Quinn is elated by the thought that the small brunette will be happy but at the same time, knows that her absence will be greatly missed.
“I can’t wait,” Rachel continues enthusiastically as the two of them slip out of Quinn’s car. They’re hanging out at Rachel’s tonight.
“You have to be sure to take lots of pictures for me,” Quinn reminds her. Already, Rachel is off lighting up the sky and getting out of this god forbidden town while Quinn is and will always be stuck here.
“Of course,” Rachel smiles back at her as she wanders into the kitchen. Quinn opts to go into the living room instead and turn on the television.
“Are we watching a movie tonight?” Quinn shouts over her back.
“Your pick,” Rachel calls back.
She scrolls through the pay per view a few times before she leaves the TV on and decides to wander into the kitchen where Rachel is making dinner for the two of them. Quinn is struck by that feeling again but she pushes it away quickly. She’s satisfied with this tentative friendship she has formed with Rachel and doesn’t want to do anything to jeopardize it.
“So no bacon tonight?” she asks jokingly.
“Quinn,” Rachel replies sternly, turning around to face her from the vegetables she was chopping. “You know how opposed to eating animals, I am.”
“You like to remind me of that every time I eat bacon in your presence, yes,” Quinn shoots back with a smile.
“Yes, I still stand by the fact that I believe you should become a vegetarian as well. It’s highly beneficial and no animals are harmed in the process. Just think how many cute little pigs you’re harming with your constant need for bacon!” Rachel rants and Quinn’s smile widens because she thinks Rachel looks absolutely adorable when she’s ranting.
“Yield,” Quinn puts her hands up in surrender, laughing as Rachel huffs at her.
“One day, Quinn Fabray, you will be a vegetarian,” Rachel threatens her with a serious expression.
Quinn just laughs harder and only stops when she is unexpectedly peppered with vegetables from a frustrated brunette who is glowering at her now. She arches an eyebrow and bends down to pick up a few pieces of celery before a slow smirk spreads across her lips.
“Food,” she declares, “fight.”
She launches what she has in her hand at Rachel whose eyes widen comically before she ducks.
“Quinn Fabray!” she shouts at the top of lungs but the blonde cheerleader is too busy laughing hysterically and running away.
She can hear thundering footsteps behind as she slips into Rachel’s room and grabs a pillow off the brunette’s bed, typically decorated with stars and she stands there, grinning from ear to ear.
“Honestly, Quinn, I can’t believe how childish you can be sometimes -”
Quinn hits Rachel as she walks in and dances away a few steps. Her eyebrow arches and the smile that plays across her lips is challenging.
Rachel narrows her eyes and dives toward her bed to grab a pillow as well and a fight ensues till Rachel is on the floor, begging for a reprieve from the blond who tickles her mercilessly. After a few more seconds, Quinn stops and the two of them lie are lying pressed up against each other, chests heaving.
And Quinn kisses Rachel. Sober, an unspoken rule broken.
But then Rachel is kissing her back. Not hard but soft and gentle and Quinn is taken back by how different it is to kiss Rachel compared to Finn or Sam. Her lips are softer, more feminine. None of this is fuelled by alcohol and Quinn is victorious because she thinks that finally, finally she has Rachel in her grasp and nothing will tear the brunette from her. She doesn’t want to hope, she doesn’t the kisses to mean more then that, doesn’t want Rachel to know that each kiss is a declaration of love, of promises and unrequited love and hope Rachel doesn’t understand her as well as Quinn thinks she does.
She pulls away after a moment and her eyes open to look at Rachel. The brunette takes longer to open her eyes and the blonde waits for her to say something, anything but an awkward silence settles over them and Quinn stands up in a hurry, muttering something about needing to go home when Rachel grabs her arm.
“Stay,” Rachel whispers a question, a command.
And Quinn nods her head in agreement.
The two of them settle into old routines as Rachel finishes making dinner and Quinn chooses a movie to watch, eventually deciding on Inception and the two of them never speak of the kiss just like all those midnight trysts and Quinn mourns for awhile but this, this half friendship, half love, is better then anything.
She thinks mournfully how none of her relationships have been all that healthy and great.
-
Christmas comes and Christmas goes. In Rachel’s absence, Quinn spends the holiday with Santana and Brittany. She’s genuinely excited to be back at school because Rachel will back as well and happiness, true happiness, isn’t something Quinn is afforded often. There are expectations from her parents, from her peers and anyone else that cares to give her a moment of their day but now there is always elation when Rachel pops into her mind.
Her happiness spreads and even Santana seems to notice the difference.
“Okay, who is it?” Santana asks as the three of them walk to Glee.
“Who is what?” Quinn asks in response.
“Your freakish smile has been appearing more and more often,” Santana responds.
“And I can’t smile?”
“I like it when Quinnie’s happy,” Brittany interjects.
“I like it when Q is less bitchy too,” Santana reassures Brittany. “It’s just a little creepy. Who is it?”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Quinn replies evasively but her steps are a little lighter as they near choir room.
She freezes just in the threshold though.
Rachel and her drunken trysts are far and few in between now but Quinn doesn’t mind. The blonde cheerleader spends most of her waking moments either with Rachel or thinking about the brunette and she knows that she’s dangerously bordering on obsessive but there’s something about the girl that makes her feel special and wanted for once.
Another part of her notes every ferocious victory she has against Finn. Less and less of Rachel’s time is spent with the quarterback and Rachel doesn’t sit with Finn in Glee anymore. She knows it’s pitiful what she’s feeling and what she’s doing but this is better then nothing.
Finn and Rachel locking lips is not what she wants to see and there are tears in her eyes before she can help it and she stumbles past Santana and Brittany and runs.
Santana glances at Quinn’s retreating form and then at Finn and Rachel and the cogs in her mind are working fast and...
“Again?” Santana groans.
Brittany tugs at her hand at the two of them flee after their best friend. Rachel glances at them worriedly and Finn has a questioning expression on his face.
-
Quinn tucks herself away in her room and Santana and Brittany finds her underneath her blankets, muttering obscenities at them when they venture into her room. Santana sighs and swallows a scathing remark as Brittany glances at her warningly before wandering back downstairs.
“Look, Quinn,” Santana begins after Quinn stops. She stops after that as well because really, Santana Lopez does not do emotions well. It was just some unspoken line that the two of them never crossed.
“Why are you even here, Santana?” Quinn asks, voice muffled underneath the blankets.
Santana stares blankly and her brows furrow. “Are you that much of an idiot, Q? It’s because you’re my friend.”
“Haven’t been acting much like it,” she retorts bitterly.
“Yeah and you haven’t been acting much like the head bitch in charge I know you are,” Santana responds with because she does not do apologies either.
“Go away, S,” Quinn responds. The fight drains out of her because this was not how it was all suppose to go down.
Santana sighs and strays in closer to sit tentatively on the edge of Quinn’s bed. She tugs at the sheets and Quinn relents and lets them fall away. Santana awkwardly gathers Quinn into her arms for a hug.
“You’re too good for Finn anyways,” she says. “Don’t cry over him.”
Quinn barks out laughter. “You think I’m crying over that idiot?”
Once again, the Latina stares at her blankly. “You’re not?” And for once, Santana does not come up with a biting comment.
“I’m in love with Rachel,” Quinn declares almost viciously and then the tears start all over again and all Santana can do is hold onto her best friend tightly and eventually Brittany wanders in as well and joins the cuddle fest.
“Love sucks,” Santana says firmly as the tears subside.
Quinn agrees.
“The course of true love never did run smoothly,” Brittany quotes and nods her head sagely.
The other blonde cheerleader stares at Brittany oddly. Santana just smiles with affection.
-
“Mr. Schue, I have a song to sing,” Quinn announces at the beginning of Glee club.
Mr. Schuester looks surprised but nods and takes a seat in the front row as she steps down. Eyes glide over Santana who smiles encouragingly and Brittany who bounces in her seat in excitement. Eventually her hazel eyes rest on Rachel and she starts singing.
“I can be tough, I can be strong but with you, it’s not like that at all.”
Her eyes slide away from Rachel.
“There’s a girl that gives a shit behind his wall you just walk through it and I remembered all those crazy things you said. You left them running through my head, you’re always there, you’re everywhere.”
She’s about to loose her nerve, run out of the room and never look back but there are hopeful looks on faces in the room. Kurt gives her a thumbs up and Mercedes is nodding her head along and she wonders if everyone in this room is in on it except for Finn and Rachel.
“What I’d do to have you near, near, near. I wish you were here.”
Her eyes are lightly wet as she ends the song to a round of applause. But the only eyes Quinn is looking for are Rachel’s.
-
Rachel corners Quinn at her locker with a concerned look.
“Are you okay Quinn?” she asks.
Quinn struggles with the urge of wanting to knock Rachel out and kissing her senseless but decides to settle on something more neutral. She’s not quite sure how to act around the brunette right now.
“I’m okay,” Quinn lifts up with shoulder in response before letting it fall.
“That’s good,” Rachel responds tentatively. She looks torn between saying something and not.
“Spit it out,” she says, a little more harshly then she means too.
“I’d like to apologize,” Rachel murmurs quietly, a far cry from her usual boisterous self. “I didn’t mean to lead you on, Quinn.”
She stiffens. The tears that had only stopped after several hours of being pressed in between Brittany and Santana and now they threaten to overflow once again. She hides her face and wills herself not to look weak in front of Rachel.
There’s a tentative hand on her back and she loses it completely, utterly.
“Who am I to you?” Quinn manages to choke out just as the waterworks start.
“Quinn...” Rachel begins, her eyes look somewhere, anywhere but her.
Everything is said in that one word and Quinn nods slowly and smiles scathingly, that self-decapitating smile because she knows that once again, she is not good enough. Not for her parents, not for Finn, not even for Rachel who she had unwillingly (willingly) fell in love with.
“It’s always Finn,” she responds, bitterness coating her voice. She stumbles a few feet back. Finn was always between them, the boy toy they both wanted till it wasn’t him that she wanted.
“Quinn,” Rachel looks at her beseechingly now, hand tentatively reaching out.
“No,” Quinn shakes her head. “Have Finn, have the life you want. Screw you.”
She bolts and she hopes that there will be someone calling her name but for that small smattering of hope, all she receives is the deaden silence and the truth of how alone she is comes crashing down on her.
-
Rachel bakes her cookies, shaped like hearts and decorated with Quinn’s name and she isn’t sure what to make of this. Sometimes she wonders if Rachel is an idiot with a bright smile because the cookies take another stab at her fragile heart and she throws them right back at the brunette before grabbing a passing jock’s slushie and throwing it.
“Get lost,” Quinn snarls out before she turns on her heels and depart.
Mercedes and Kurt wander over, offering sympathetic words and tissues as they hurry her into a washroom to get her cleaned off.
“Girl is taking it hard,” Mercedes says.
“Yeah well, Rachel did stamp her heart into little itty bitty bits,” Kurt responds.
“Stop talking about me like I’m not here!”
Their looks are only half apologetic.
“Do you really like Finn?” Kurt asks.
Silence.
-
“Hi Rachel!” a bright voice says beside her.
Rachel is startled for a moment but she turns her head to the side and smiles. “Hi Brittany!” A blonde cheerleader, taller then her, but not exactly the one she was hoping for.
Brittany, like she is so often prone to doing, she starts the conversation off with whatever happens to be on her mind. “Do you like Quinn?”
A rarity, Rachel is completely at lost and flounders for an answer. Her eloquent speech is not so fluent right now and that annoys her. “I - uh - what?”
“Q’s been looking sad a lot lately,” Brittany frowns. “So have you.”
Rachel finds herself nodding along before she realizes she’s doing it. Sleep has been eluding her for the past few days and her appetite has disappeared. Time that she normally stores aside for Finn now disappear in a flurry of hurried excuses and disappearances as she coops herself up in her room.
“You make Quinn happy,” the blonde says decisively.
“Brittany, while I appreciate your concern about our health, I think Quinn would rather murder me right now then see me.”
Brittany shakes her head mournfully at Rachel. “You make Quinn happy. I hate seeing her said. Will you make her happy again?”
She pouts at Rachel and the brunette, like so many others, can’t refuse the blonde cheerleader. “I’ll try, Brittany.”
“Yay! Thanks Rachel!” Brittany says before she skips off to where Santana is waking.
-
Cheerio’s practice finishes later then normally but Quinn finds that she doesn’t mind. It means her mind is occupied with thoughts other then Rachel. She lingers a little longer in the locker room then everybody else although she has a sinking suspicion that Brittany coerce Santana into threatening them all to get out, for God knows what reason.
The door to the locker room swings open and in sweeps Rachel Berry. Of course, even her own supposed friends have turned against her.
“Quinn,” Rachel nods her head.
“Treasure trails,” Quinn responds immediately, a defensive mechanism.
Rachel winces and Quinn wants to take the name calling back but she’s not weak and she will not fall to the brunette. She pulls herself up to her full height and glares Rachel down. A glare filled with contempt, hatred but tempered out somehow by a soft lining of love, forbidden, unrequited love.
And Rachel wonders all over again how she could wait this long.
“Quinn, I would like to apologize.”
“I don’t want to hear it,” Quinn mutters halfheartedly. Last time Rachel wanted to apologize hadn’t exactly gone all that well.
The blonde attempts to walk around Rachel but she stands firmly in front of the door and shakes her head.
“No, I think you do.”
Quinn contemplates shoving Rachel out of the way and making a break for it but sighs and tilts her head, silently telling her to continue.
“I’m sorry,” Rachel begins and stops. She frowns because she had all of this rehearsed and made cards and everything but now her memory is failing her and Quinn looks like she’s about to run off.
So Rachel Berry does the only thing she can think of.
She kisses Quinn.
The blonde looks dazed when she pulls back. “Finn?”
“I don’t love him. I haven’t for awhile.”
The smile that graces the blonde’s features is hesitant, slow. She thinks Rachel is playing a cruel joke on her, for all the many she has done to the brunette.
“I want you,” Rachel says slowly, enunciating each word carefully.
Quinn mutters words underneath her breath, “Forgive me, for I have sinned.” Again. But Quinn can't deny the fact that she loves it every single time.
And then she’s pushing Rachel against the door and attacking her with kisses because those are the words she has been waiting for, forever.
-
Problems arise quickly. Finn of course, isn’t happy that all of his (ex)girlfriends are turning gay but to the young lovers, none of that matters. They’re both stuck in a little world that just exist of each other.
“It’s the honeymoon stage,” Kurt stage whispers when the two of them are in ear shot.
Their personalities clash sometimes of course but Rachel learns easily how to bribe the blonde into not being mad at her again and Quinn has learned that serenading the brunette and show tunes is the best way to get out of the dog house, so to speak.
“When the waves wash the dreamers to shore, yeah, I feel like I’ve been here before until you made my dream come to life.” The blonde cheerleader cocks an eyebrow at Rachel, an almost challenging edge to it. Clearly, she thought she was winning the who loved who more game.
“There is so much about you I love. And it is real, like never before.” Quinn smiles hopelessly at Rachel and mutters sorry in between lyrics. She loves Rachel’s constant babbling, the way she’s so courageous and even her horrendous wardrobe that Santana likes to constantly remind her about trying to fix because to quote the Latina: “I don’t want to be seen with a walking fashion accident.”
“All the words I could say could never convey how endless happy I am to be forever yours.”
Rachel mouths that she is forgiven before she jumps out of her chair and pulls Quinn into a hug and there’s a chorus of laughters and ews behind them.
-
Quinn pulls up outside of the Berry home and horns once. The door opens a second later to reveal Rachel who yells over her shoulder before she closes the door and practically races into Quinn’s car.
She smiles. “Hey gorgeous,” Quinn says.
“Hey yourself,” Rachel responds. “Where are we going?”
Quinn tsks. “Nu uh, I told you, it’s a surprise.”
“Quinn,” Rachel whines.
The blonde shakes her head firmly. “So what we’re you saying about us going to New York in the summer?”
She’s gotten very good at distracting Rachel.
Spring has come and Quinn smiles slightly, not in the least condescending as Rachel continues to babble excitedly in the passenger seat about some show the two of them should see. At the moment, she’s enjoying the sun on her face, the girl she loves beside her and anything that distracts Rachel Berry from where they are going.
Her hand sneaks over and intertwines itself with Rachel’s.
“Quinn!” Rachel chastises. “You need both hands on the wheel.” But she doesn’t pull her hand away and Quinn just smiles and kisses the back of it.
“We're almost there anyways, Rach.”
This perks Rachel’s interest. She's looking everywhere now to try and figure out where they are.
"We're at a reservoir," Quinn supplies helpfully. "I came here a few times when I was younger."
Rachel hums thoughtfully. More information to store away. Although the two of them share almost everything about each other, there is still some mystique that surrounds the blonde that Rachel hasn't totally figured out yet.
"Come on,” Quinn parks the car and exits, grabbing a basket and a portable radio from the back before she walks over to her girlfriend (just thinking that still makes her float on cloud 9). “We have to walk a little bit.”
Rachel nods and follows Quinn who chooses a little place secluded off from everyone else, surrounded by trees and unfolds a blanket she packed away in the basket. She pulls out other things as well.
“Here’s a vegan sandwich for you,” Quinn makes a face. “And a ham one for me. Don’t start ranting about the poor pigs, please.”
Rachel frowns. “I wasn’t going too.”
The blonde pats a spot beside her on the blanket and Rachel takes it.
“Yes you were.”
Quinn fiddles with the radio for a few seconds before she leaves it off to the side and the two of them continue to eat their respective sandwiches and talk and share kisses.
“Look,” Quinn whispers softly.
The two of them are sitting on a little secluded piece of land that looks out across the water, playfully joking with each other when the sun begins to set. Brilliant orange and yellow rays hit their faces as Rachel gasps at the sheer beauty of the moment. Not even the roar of a passing boat holding a fisherman and his boys can disturb this moment for what it was. A display a love. Not because she hasn’t seen a sunset before because she has but this was a gesture none of her other boyfriends have ever made for her. But she knows that Quinn always enjoys setting the bar high.
Quinn smiles as she wraps Rachel up in her arms and kisses her, solidly.
And there will be a sunrise, there will be an answer.
We will survive, we’ll leave it behind.
And we were left with nothing, nothing but each other
I promise I’ll keep holding on while you’re holding on to me.
Rachel turns to flip the radio off.
“You’re worth fighting for, you know,” Rachel whispers out suddenly.
And in that moment, Quinn sees it all. Not a hint of mockery is in Rachel’s voice even though her insecurities say there must be because who is she to be lucky enough to get someone like Rachel Berry? No, there are no mockeries but there are insecurities and vulnerabilities. Behind the diva’s brave facade there is weakness and fear that she’ll be stuck here in Lima and behind Quinn’s head bitch in charge there will always be the fear of being second, of being unwanted and never good enough. Rachel reassures her, over and over again that being at the top of the pyramid isn’t everything but its all she has of the old in this new fragile world.
There is only so much change Quinn can take. But for once, this is a good change. A healthy change.
And Quinn knows she will protect Rachel from anything she can. She nevers want to see that sad look in the brunette’s eyes ever again. She’ll make those beautiful brown eyes shine like the constellations.
“I -” she stops and chokes on the words because there will always be the fear. This is not what good Christian girls do. This is not what her father would want. And she has always been a little bit of daddy’s girl.
Rachel smiles, that wind, blinding smile of hers and she knows even when Quinn has a lump in throat and isn’t quite sure of the words that want to seep out, she knows.
“I love you too,” Rachel murmurs softly because she claims Quinn’s lips as her own. Soft and gentle the two of them try to confer everything that they want to say but can’t, not right now, into that one kiss.
“I love you.”
Because there will always be fear and there will always be love and sometimes throwing caution to the wind was the only way to win and Quinn Fabray was willing to fight for Rachel Berry.
Quinn doesn’t know if there will be a RachelandQuinn after they graduate but the future is vast and wide and emotions and lives changed like the summer wind in high school. She doesn’t want to think too far into the future, doesn’t want to see the prospects of her being stuck in the hell hole known as Lima while Rachel runs off to Broadway, a brilliant star in the sky. So she spends her time in the present, in the now because every tear, every laugh, every emotion and every memory made with Rachel is worth it.
And that is what matters most - for now at least.
Author: Jocelyn
Fandom: Glee
Rating: PG 13
Pairings: Rachel/Quinn
Word Count: 6167ish.
Spoilers: None.
Disclaimer: None of this belongs to me.
Summary: It all starts with a night a fun and Quinn finds herself falling for one Rachel Berry.
A/N: Enjoy guys :) Read and review. Songs used are Mine (Taylor Swift), Forever (Long Story Short), Caved In (Long Story Short), Wish You Were Here (Avril Lavigne) and the title comes from What Mattered Most. Also, the timeline is a bit screwy. I wrote it first. Then realized I messed it up and got too lazy to fix it.
The first time it happens is when they are both extremely inebriated. Hands are clumsy as they tear each other’s clothes off. They bestow kisses that are messy, sloppy and their exploratory hands are far from timid as they both conquer planes that few others have seen. Bodies fall half on and half off the bed in their haste to get to each other but somehow throughout the night, the two of them end up firmly on the bed and together they fall asleep. Limbs entangled, the blonde’s arms wrap themselves around the brunette.
And that’s how they, or at least Quinn, wake up.
The sheets barely cover her nude form and she can’t quite decide whether the pounding headache is the signal of the beginning to a horrible bad day or not. Last time she woke up next to somebody in this sort of condition had lead to her pregnancy. Somehow through the haze of sleep blanketing her mind, she realizes all too well that the body she is cuddling up with is far too curvaceous and feminine to be Finn or Sam or even Puck.
Realization strikes her like a bolt of lightening as she hurriedly pushes herself away from the body planted snug against her side. In the process of doing so, she ends up falling onto the floor and dragging a good portion of the blankets with her. Her breathing is staccato like as she tries to calm down her racing heart and prays to a Lord she does not believe in for the girl in the bed with her to remain asleep.
Quinn lies on the floor for several moments and waits for someone’s face to peek at her over the bed but nothing of the sorts happens. She hears deep breathing still and some vague muttering about Barbra Streisand and all the blonde wants to do is to die in a hole. She hesitantly peaks at the bed’s occupant and groans. Of all people she could have chosen to fallen into bed with, it had to be Rachel Berry, diva, future supposed Broadway star and her loathing enemy.
The blonde cheerleader stands up and searches for her clothes and throws on her top. She glances at Rachel one last time before she sneaks out of the room, glad that the brunette is apparently a deep sleeper. From the moment she departs from the room, she vows that all thoughts of this night are forbidden. She fights hard to push away the horrid thoughts that Berry of all people looks far too adorable with her hair mussed and an innocent smile gracing her beautiful features.
-
Parties don’t often include a brunette by the name of Rachel Barbra Berry, at least not the ones Quinn attends with the other Cheerios but when they do, it’s definitely not the last time they fall into bed with each other, comforting and familiar, both of them drunk.
-
Brittany chatters excitedly behind Quinn to Santana. The Latina endures the other girl’s endless excitement and questions with easy grace and affection and for some reason that makes an easy smile come to her face. With Brittany there are no secret agendas, just blunt truth and honesty, a rarity in high school but something Quinn appreciates more and more lately.
Other things Quinn appreciates more lately? Glee club, oddly enough. She looks forward to it now. Most of the time she doesn’t bother to acknowledge the existence of the yammering diva because now that she’s back to being head bitch in charge, she won’t throw it away for anything. For her though, Glee has become an excuse to be able to be in the same room as the brunette (sober) and not be looked at funny if she wasn’t making scathing remarks that send Rachel bursting into tears. That’s why Quinn has a genuine smile on her face as she trots into Glee with Brittany and Santana behind her, linking pinkies.
However, the smile on her face disappears almost immediately when she walks into the room and sees them together - Finn and Rachel. They are sitting obscenely close together and something seizes up in her and she has an urge to stomp up to the both of them and drag them apart. A lump forms in her throat but she studiously ignores them as she takes in a seat in the very back with Brittany by her side and Santana by hers.
Eventually the others trickle in and not long after, Mr. Schuester arrives, miraculously somehow late once again. Quinn briefly wonders if Mr. Schuester even owns a watch and how he managed to fair in high school with how many times he’s late but amused annoyance changes into disbelief and anger in a moment.
“This week you’ll all be singing songs about love,” he announces cheerfully, a smile on his face.
Her eyes inadvertently slips to Rachel but she looks away quickly. Sometimes Quinn wonders if Mr. Schuester has an internal compass on when to make his students lives a living hell. At least she understands how Rachel feels now when she complains that Mr. Schue is out to get her.
-
Quinn doesn’t want too. She really doesn’t but somehow her hazel eyes are attracted to her anyways and she’s all too painfully aware how much time she wastes staring at her back instead of paying attention to whatever the teacher is droning on about. A slight lop-sided smile graces her features as Rachel enthusiastically raises her arm to respond to a question only for the teacher to ignore her.
“Does anyone else want to give it a shot?” their teacher asks. Her eyes survey the room for an unwilling victim. “Quinn?”
She is caught off guard and the only reply she can come up with is a well dignified, “Huh?”
“Pay attention, Ms. Fabray,” the teacher chastises her lightly.
She tries to tear her eyes away but when all eyes turn back to the front of the classroom; her eyes are back on Rachel again. Tracing curves that her hands have mapped out a dozen times before and sometimes she wishes she wasn’t so drunk so she could memorize Rachel better in a moment most have never, will never, get to see her in.
But those moments, those nights are like a secret fairy tale universe and being inebriated is the only way to get there. Somehow Quinn manages to convince herself into thinking that if she is too sober Rachel will disappear and for some inexplicable reason, she cannot handle that thought.
-
“Hi Quinn!” a voice shouts from behind her.
Quinn jumps in surprise at the other blonde’s sudden appearance but turns around and smiles all the same. “Hi Brittany,” she replies. Being around Brittany made it hard to not be happy.
She goes back to grabbing things from her locker as the other blonde drapes herself against the lockers beside Quinn’s. “Do you like Rachel?” she asks in that blunt way of hers.
Quinn drops her backpack on her foot. She curses and spins to face to Brittany. “What did you say?”
“Do you like Rachel?” Brittany asks again.
“Keep your voice down, Brit,” Quinn leans in closer as she looks around to see if there are any skulking gossip mongers around.
“Oh, so you do!” she declares happily.
“I don’t,” Quinn shoots down the idea immediately.
“Oh,” Brittany responds sadly.
Quinn sighs. She hates seeing the other blonde sad. She also hates how intuitive Brittany seems because she doesn’t quite understand how Brittany of all people manages to notice that her gaze lingers far too long on Rachel and how her insults aren’t as forth coming anymore.
“Look, Brittany, you can’t tell this to anyone - even Santana,” most definitely not Santana because mockery would be instant before the Latina tackles her down from her high throne.
Brittany nods understandingly and once again Quinn wonders how the other blonde cheerleader can understand things so well when sometimes she forgets her own name.
“I think -” Quinn cuts herself off suddenly as Rachel walks by and she shakes her head. “Never mind, see you later B.”
She grabs her backpack, slams her locker shut and departs in the opposite direction of Rachel Berry. Quinn doesn’t love the girl, she loves the sex. She wonders how many times she has to tell herself that before it sounds convincing enough.
-
Rachel doesn’t go to many parties but somehow the two of them manage to find each other in the mass of sweaty, horny teenagers anyways when she is around. They meet, tipsy already and it’s the brunette that drags the blonde up the stairs and behind one of the many bedroom doors there. Quinn’s hands trail across familiar, comforting planes and her kisses are hard, fuelled by a sudden anger and jealousy that she can’t quite place. This was her Rachel, not Finn’s or any other hormonal boy but around the brunette, she felt like she was just one of the crowd. Too far below to ever catch up to the burning star, the floor beneath the chandelier.
But then Rachel bites at her bottom lip and stares at her with hooded eyes and anything else flies out of her mind.
And Quinn knows all too well what drives the diva insane and where Rachel is extra sensitive and with a sense of victory, she attacks her prize because these are things Finn Hudson, star quarterback or not, will never know.
A small victory but for her, it’s something.
Her eyes close and she enjoys the way Rachel’s soft hands trail across her shoulders, burning a fiery path across her skin and those lips that lather attention across her chest. She sighs and she moans in a way that only Rachel, her once loathsome enemy, knows how.
They spend the night intertwined and fall asleep entangled like usual.
Light filters through the windows and Quinn groans. Bright lights did not compute with her mind at the moment and she drags the sheets up to cover her eyes and somehow, it’s always like the first time.
Panic floods through her, more so then surprise these days. She knows that their night trysts are just that, trysts. Something the two of them never speak about beyond the moment. By now she should be scrambling out of the room and sneaking away to keep this world separate. A world she craves far too much.
Quinn moves quickly but just as she’s buttoning up her jeans the sheet rustle.
“Don’t go,” a soft voice whispers out.
She freezes. This was not how it was suppose to go.
“Please,” Rachel begs and she sounds all too vulnerable in that moment and Quinn knows that if she turns around the brunette will be wearing pout on her lips, slight tears in her eyes. Quinn knows that if she turns around, she will break down and stay.
And yet, she does it anyways because she’s so far into the blooming star that one step further into her chaotic hell is nothing.
The sheets rustle again, this time because Quinn is slipping back into them. She wraps her arms around Rachel, much like their position before and presses an all too soft kiss against the top of Rachel’s head. She’s all too aware of how nude the brunette is beside her and there’s a jumble of words that want to tumble out of her mouth, a torrent of emotions that she wants to discuss but a lump forms in her throat and none of it comes out.
And so she lies there, taking comfort in this rare moment because she isn’t quite sure how many more of these she will be afforded.
-
Rachel sings Mine by Taylor Swift the next day. Her eyes are trained tightly to Finn but Quinn swears she doesn’t imagine the times that those brown eyes slide to meet hazel. Hope blooms in her chest.
-
Things don’t change at first. Quinn still avoids Rachel most of the time except for Glee where the two of them gradually begin to sit together and share jokes and laughter and everyone else stares at them like they have both grown two heads. But slowly, gradually, Quinn begins to care a little less what others think and she hangs out by the brunette’s locker and walks Rachel to class a lot more.
Rachel sits beside her in her car and yammers away excitedly about some Broadway show or another. Christmas vacation is almost upon them and her dads have announced to Rachel that they’ll be taking her too New York as a present. Quinn is elated by the thought that the small brunette will be happy but at the same time, knows that her absence will be greatly missed.
“I can’t wait,” Rachel continues enthusiastically as the two of them slip out of Quinn’s car. They’re hanging out at Rachel’s tonight.
“You have to be sure to take lots of pictures for me,” Quinn reminds her. Already, Rachel is off lighting up the sky and getting out of this god forbidden town while Quinn is and will always be stuck here.
“Of course,” Rachel smiles back at her as she wanders into the kitchen. Quinn opts to go into the living room instead and turn on the television.
“Are we watching a movie tonight?” Quinn shouts over her back.
“Your pick,” Rachel calls back.
She scrolls through the pay per view a few times before she leaves the TV on and decides to wander into the kitchen where Rachel is making dinner for the two of them. Quinn is struck by that feeling again but she pushes it away quickly. She’s satisfied with this tentative friendship she has formed with Rachel and doesn’t want to do anything to jeopardize it.
“So no bacon tonight?” she asks jokingly.
“Quinn,” Rachel replies sternly, turning around to face her from the vegetables she was chopping. “You know how opposed to eating animals, I am.”
“You like to remind me of that every time I eat bacon in your presence, yes,” Quinn shoots back with a smile.
“Yes, I still stand by the fact that I believe you should become a vegetarian as well. It’s highly beneficial and no animals are harmed in the process. Just think how many cute little pigs you’re harming with your constant need for bacon!” Rachel rants and Quinn’s smile widens because she thinks Rachel looks absolutely adorable when she’s ranting.
“Yield,” Quinn puts her hands up in surrender, laughing as Rachel huffs at her.
“One day, Quinn Fabray, you will be a vegetarian,” Rachel threatens her with a serious expression.
Quinn just laughs harder and only stops when she is unexpectedly peppered with vegetables from a frustrated brunette who is glowering at her now. She arches an eyebrow and bends down to pick up a few pieces of celery before a slow smirk spreads across her lips.
“Food,” she declares, “fight.”
She launches what she has in her hand at Rachel whose eyes widen comically before she ducks.
“Quinn Fabray!” she shouts at the top of lungs but the blonde cheerleader is too busy laughing hysterically and running away.
She can hear thundering footsteps behind as she slips into Rachel’s room and grabs a pillow off the brunette’s bed, typically decorated with stars and she stands there, grinning from ear to ear.
“Honestly, Quinn, I can’t believe how childish you can be sometimes -”
Quinn hits Rachel as she walks in and dances away a few steps. Her eyebrow arches and the smile that plays across her lips is challenging.
Rachel narrows her eyes and dives toward her bed to grab a pillow as well and a fight ensues till Rachel is on the floor, begging for a reprieve from the blond who tickles her mercilessly. After a few more seconds, Quinn stops and the two of them lie are lying pressed up against each other, chests heaving.
And Quinn kisses Rachel. Sober, an unspoken rule broken.
But then Rachel is kissing her back. Not hard but soft and gentle and Quinn is taken back by how different it is to kiss Rachel compared to Finn or Sam. Her lips are softer, more feminine. None of this is fuelled by alcohol and Quinn is victorious because she thinks that finally, finally she has Rachel in her grasp and nothing will tear the brunette from her. She doesn’t want to hope, she doesn’t the kisses to mean more then that, doesn’t want Rachel to know that each kiss is a declaration of love, of promises and unrequited love and hope Rachel doesn’t understand her as well as Quinn thinks she does.
She pulls away after a moment and her eyes open to look at Rachel. The brunette takes longer to open her eyes and the blonde waits for her to say something, anything but an awkward silence settles over them and Quinn stands up in a hurry, muttering something about needing to go home when Rachel grabs her arm.
“Stay,” Rachel whispers a question, a command.
And Quinn nods her head in agreement.
The two of them settle into old routines as Rachel finishes making dinner and Quinn chooses a movie to watch, eventually deciding on Inception and the two of them never speak of the kiss just like all those midnight trysts and Quinn mourns for awhile but this, this half friendship, half love, is better then anything.
She thinks mournfully how none of her relationships have been all that healthy and great.
-
Christmas comes and Christmas goes. In Rachel’s absence, Quinn spends the holiday with Santana and Brittany. She’s genuinely excited to be back at school because Rachel will back as well and happiness, true happiness, isn’t something Quinn is afforded often. There are expectations from her parents, from her peers and anyone else that cares to give her a moment of their day but now there is always elation when Rachel pops into her mind.
Her happiness spreads and even Santana seems to notice the difference.
“Okay, who is it?” Santana asks as the three of them walk to Glee.
“Who is what?” Quinn asks in response.
“Your freakish smile has been appearing more and more often,” Santana responds.
“And I can’t smile?”
“I like it when Quinnie’s happy,” Brittany interjects.
“I like it when Q is less bitchy too,” Santana reassures Brittany. “It’s just a little creepy. Who is it?”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Quinn replies evasively but her steps are a little lighter as they near choir room.
She freezes just in the threshold though.
Rachel and her drunken trysts are far and few in between now but Quinn doesn’t mind. The blonde cheerleader spends most of her waking moments either with Rachel or thinking about the brunette and she knows that she’s dangerously bordering on obsessive but there’s something about the girl that makes her feel special and wanted for once.
Another part of her notes every ferocious victory she has against Finn. Less and less of Rachel’s time is spent with the quarterback and Rachel doesn’t sit with Finn in Glee anymore. She knows it’s pitiful what she’s feeling and what she’s doing but this is better then nothing.
Finn and Rachel locking lips is not what she wants to see and there are tears in her eyes before she can help it and she stumbles past Santana and Brittany and runs.
Santana glances at Quinn’s retreating form and then at Finn and Rachel and the cogs in her mind are working fast and...
“Again?” Santana groans.
Brittany tugs at her hand at the two of them flee after their best friend. Rachel glances at them worriedly and Finn has a questioning expression on his face.
-
Quinn tucks herself away in her room and Santana and Brittany finds her underneath her blankets, muttering obscenities at them when they venture into her room. Santana sighs and swallows a scathing remark as Brittany glances at her warningly before wandering back downstairs.
“Look, Quinn,” Santana begins after Quinn stops. She stops after that as well because really, Santana Lopez does not do emotions well. It was just some unspoken line that the two of them never crossed.
“Why are you even here, Santana?” Quinn asks, voice muffled underneath the blankets.
Santana stares blankly and her brows furrow. “Are you that much of an idiot, Q? It’s because you’re my friend.”
“Haven’t been acting much like it,” she retorts bitterly.
“Yeah and you haven’t been acting much like the head bitch in charge I know you are,” Santana responds with because she does not do apologies either.
“Go away, S,” Quinn responds. The fight drains out of her because this was not how it was all suppose to go down.
Santana sighs and strays in closer to sit tentatively on the edge of Quinn’s bed. She tugs at the sheets and Quinn relents and lets them fall away. Santana awkwardly gathers Quinn into her arms for a hug.
“You’re too good for Finn anyways,” she says. “Don’t cry over him.”
Quinn barks out laughter. “You think I’m crying over that idiot?”
Once again, the Latina stares at her blankly. “You’re not?” And for once, Santana does not come up with a biting comment.
“I’m in love with Rachel,” Quinn declares almost viciously and then the tears start all over again and all Santana can do is hold onto her best friend tightly and eventually Brittany wanders in as well and joins the cuddle fest.
“Love sucks,” Santana says firmly as the tears subside.
Quinn agrees.
“The course of true love never did run smoothly,” Brittany quotes and nods her head sagely.
The other blonde cheerleader stares at Brittany oddly. Santana just smiles with affection.
-
“Mr. Schue, I have a song to sing,” Quinn announces at the beginning of Glee club.
Mr. Schuester looks surprised but nods and takes a seat in the front row as she steps down. Eyes glide over Santana who smiles encouragingly and Brittany who bounces in her seat in excitement. Eventually her hazel eyes rest on Rachel and she starts singing.
“I can be tough, I can be strong but with you, it’s not like that at all.”
Her eyes slide away from Rachel.
“There’s a girl that gives a shit behind his wall you just walk through it and I remembered all those crazy things you said. You left them running through my head, you’re always there, you’re everywhere.”
She’s about to loose her nerve, run out of the room and never look back but there are hopeful looks on faces in the room. Kurt gives her a thumbs up and Mercedes is nodding her head along and she wonders if everyone in this room is in on it except for Finn and Rachel.
“What I’d do to have you near, near, near. I wish you were here.”
Her eyes are lightly wet as she ends the song to a round of applause. But the only eyes Quinn is looking for are Rachel’s.
-
Rachel corners Quinn at her locker with a concerned look.
“Are you okay Quinn?” she asks.
Quinn struggles with the urge of wanting to knock Rachel out and kissing her senseless but decides to settle on something more neutral. She’s not quite sure how to act around the brunette right now.
“I’m okay,” Quinn lifts up with shoulder in response before letting it fall.
“That’s good,” Rachel responds tentatively. She looks torn between saying something and not.
“Spit it out,” she says, a little more harshly then she means too.
“I’d like to apologize,” Rachel murmurs quietly, a far cry from her usual boisterous self. “I didn’t mean to lead you on, Quinn.”
She stiffens. The tears that had only stopped after several hours of being pressed in between Brittany and Santana and now they threaten to overflow once again. She hides her face and wills herself not to look weak in front of Rachel.
There’s a tentative hand on her back and she loses it completely, utterly.
“Who am I to you?” Quinn manages to choke out just as the waterworks start.
“Quinn...” Rachel begins, her eyes look somewhere, anywhere but her.
Everything is said in that one word and Quinn nods slowly and smiles scathingly, that self-decapitating smile because she knows that once again, she is not good enough. Not for her parents, not for Finn, not even for Rachel who she had unwillingly (willingly) fell in love with.
“It’s always Finn,” she responds, bitterness coating her voice. She stumbles a few feet back. Finn was always between them, the boy toy they both wanted till it wasn’t him that she wanted.
“Quinn,” Rachel looks at her beseechingly now, hand tentatively reaching out.
“No,” Quinn shakes her head. “Have Finn, have the life you want. Screw you.”
She bolts and she hopes that there will be someone calling her name but for that small smattering of hope, all she receives is the deaden silence and the truth of how alone she is comes crashing down on her.
-
Rachel bakes her cookies, shaped like hearts and decorated with Quinn’s name and she isn’t sure what to make of this. Sometimes she wonders if Rachel is an idiot with a bright smile because the cookies take another stab at her fragile heart and she throws them right back at the brunette before grabbing a passing jock’s slushie and throwing it.
“Get lost,” Quinn snarls out before she turns on her heels and depart.
Mercedes and Kurt wander over, offering sympathetic words and tissues as they hurry her into a washroom to get her cleaned off.
“Girl is taking it hard,” Mercedes says.
“Yeah well, Rachel did stamp her heart into little itty bitty bits,” Kurt responds.
“Stop talking about me like I’m not here!”
Their looks are only half apologetic.
“Do you really like Finn?” Kurt asks.
Silence.
-
“Hi Rachel!” a bright voice says beside her.
Rachel is startled for a moment but she turns her head to the side and smiles. “Hi Brittany!” A blonde cheerleader, taller then her, but not exactly the one she was hoping for.
Brittany, like she is so often prone to doing, she starts the conversation off with whatever happens to be on her mind. “Do you like Quinn?”
A rarity, Rachel is completely at lost and flounders for an answer. Her eloquent speech is not so fluent right now and that annoys her. “I - uh - what?”
“Q’s been looking sad a lot lately,” Brittany frowns. “So have you.”
Rachel finds herself nodding along before she realizes she’s doing it. Sleep has been eluding her for the past few days and her appetite has disappeared. Time that she normally stores aside for Finn now disappear in a flurry of hurried excuses and disappearances as she coops herself up in her room.
“You make Quinn happy,” the blonde says decisively.
“Brittany, while I appreciate your concern about our health, I think Quinn would rather murder me right now then see me.”
Brittany shakes her head mournfully at Rachel. “You make Quinn happy. I hate seeing her said. Will you make her happy again?”
She pouts at Rachel and the brunette, like so many others, can’t refuse the blonde cheerleader. “I’ll try, Brittany.”
“Yay! Thanks Rachel!” Brittany says before she skips off to where Santana is waking.
-
Cheerio’s practice finishes later then normally but Quinn finds that she doesn’t mind. It means her mind is occupied with thoughts other then Rachel. She lingers a little longer in the locker room then everybody else although she has a sinking suspicion that Brittany coerce Santana into threatening them all to get out, for God knows what reason.
The door to the locker room swings open and in sweeps Rachel Berry. Of course, even her own supposed friends have turned against her.
“Quinn,” Rachel nods her head.
“Treasure trails,” Quinn responds immediately, a defensive mechanism.
Rachel winces and Quinn wants to take the name calling back but she’s not weak and she will not fall to the brunette. She pulls herself up to her full height and glares Rachel down. A glare filled with contempt, hatred but tempered out somehow by a soft lining of love, forbidden, unrequited love.
And Rachel wonders all over again how she could wait this long.
“Quinn, I would like to apologize.”
“I don’t want to hear it,” Quinn mutters halfheartedly. Last time Rachel wanted to apologize hadn’t exactly gone all that well.
The blonde attempts to walk around Rachel but she stands firmly in front of the door and shakes her head.
“No, I think you do.”
Quinn contemplates shoving Rachel out of the way and making a break for it but sighs and tilts her head, silently telling her to continue.
“I’m sorry,” Rachel begins and stops. She frowns because she had all of this rehearsed and made cards and everything but now her memory is failing her and Quinn looks like she’s about to run off.
So Rachel Berry does the only thing she can think of.
She kisses Quinn.
The blonde looks dazed when she pulls back. “Finn?”
“I don’t love him. I haven’t for awhile.”
The smile that graces the blonde’s features is hesitant, slow. She thinks Rachel is playing a cruel joke on her, for all the many she has done to the brunette.
“I want you,” Rachel says slowly, enunciating each word carefully.
Quinn mutters words underneath her breath, “Forgive me, for I have sinned.” Again. But Quinn can't deny the fact that she loves it every single time.
And then she’s pushing Rachel against the door and attacking her with kisses because those are the words she has been waiting for, forever.
-
Problems arise quickly. Finn of course, isn’t happy that all of his (ex)girlfriends are turning gay but to the young lovers, none of that matters. They’re both stuck in a little world that just exist of each other.
“It’s the honeymoon stage,” Kurt stage whispers when the two of them are in ear shot.
Their personalities clash sometimes of course but Rachel learns easily how to bribe the blonde into not being mad at her again and Quinn has learned that serenading the brunette and show tunes is the best way to get out of the dog house, so to speak.
“When the waves wash the dreamers to shore, yeah, I feel like I’ve been here before until you made my dream come to life.” The blonde cheerleader cocks an eyebrow at Rachel, an almost challenging edge to it. Clearly, she thought she was winning the who loved who more game.
“There is so much about you I love. And it is real, like never before.” Quinn smiles hopelessly at Rachel and mutters sorry in between lyrics. She loves Rachel’s constant babbling, the way she’s so courageous and even her horrendous wardrobe that Santana likes to constantly remind her about trying to fix because to quote the Latina: “I don’t want to be seen with a walking fashion accident.”
“All the words I could say could never convey how endless happy I am to be forever yours.”
Rachel mouths that she is forgiven before she jumps out of her chair and pulls Quinn into a hug and there’s a chorus of laughters and ews behind them.
-
Quinn pulls up outside of the Berry home and horns once. The door opens a second later to reveal Rachel who yells over her shoulder before she closes the door and practically races into Quinn’s car.
She smiles. “Hey gorgeous,” Quinn says.
“Hey yourself,” Rachel responds. “Where are we going?”
Quinn tsks. “Nu uh, I told you, it’s a surprise.”
“Quinn,” Rachel whines.
The blonde shakes her head firmly. “So what we’re you saying about us going to New York in the summer?”
She’s gotten very good at distracting Rachel.
Spring has come and Quinn smiles slightly, not in the least condescending as Rachel continues to babble excitedly in the passenger seat about some show the two of them should see. At the moment, she’s enjoying the sun on her face, the girl she loves beside her and anything that distracts Rachel Berry from where they are going.
Her hand sneaks over and intertwines itself with Rachel’s.
“Quinn!” Rachel chastises. “You need both hands on the wheel.” But she doesn’t pull her hand away and Quinn just smiles and kisses the back of it.
“We're almost there anyways, Rach.”
This perks Rachel’s interest. She's looking everywhere now to try and figure out where they are.
"We're at a reservoir," Quinn supplies helpfully. "I came here a few times when I was younger."
Rachel hums thoughtfully. More information to store away. Although the two of them share almost everything about each other, there is still some mystique that surrounds the blonde that Rachel hasn't totally figured out yet.
"Come on,” Quinn parks the car and exits, grabbing a basket and a portable radio from the back before she walks over to her girlfriend (just thinking that still makes her float on cloud 9). “We have to walk a little bit.”
Rachel nods and follows Quinn who chooses a little place secluded off from everyone else, surrounded by trees and unfolds a blanket she packed away in the basket. She pulls out other things as well.
“Here’s a vegan sandwich for you,” Quinn makes a face. “And a ham one for me. Don’t start ranting about the poor pigs, please.”
Rachel frowns. “I wasn’t going too.”
The blonde pats a spot beside her on the blanket and Rachel takes it.
“Yes you were.”
Quinn fiddles with the radio for a few seconds before she leaves it off to the side and the two of them continue to eat their respective sandwiches and talk and share kisses.
“Look,” Quinn whispers softly.
The two of them are sitting on a little secluded piece of land that looks out across the water, playfully joking with each other when the sun begins to set. Brilliant orange and yellow rays hit their faces as Rachel gasps at the sheer beauty of the moment. Not even the roar of a passing boat holding a fisherman and his boys can disturb this moment for what it was. A display a love. Not because she hasn’t seen a sunset before because she has but this was a gesture none of her other boyfriends have ever made for her. But she knows that Quinn always enjoys setting the bar high.
Quinn smiles as she wraps Rachel up in her arms and kisses her, solidly.
And there will be a sunrise, there will be an answer.
We will survive, we’ll leave it behind.
And we were left with nothing, nothing but each other
I promise I’ll keep holding on while you’re holding on to me.
Rachel turns to flip the radio off.
“You’re worth fighting for, you know,” Rachel whispers out suddenly.
And in that moment, Quinn sees it all. Not a hint of mockery is in Rachel’s voice even though her insecurities say there must be because who is she to be lucky enough to get someone like Rachel Berry? No, there are no mockeries but there are insecurities and vulnerabilities. Behind the diva’s brave facade there is weakness and fear that she’ll be stuck here in Lima and behind Quinn’s head bitch in charge there will always be the fear of being second, of being unwanted and never good enough. Rachel reassures her, over and over again that being at the top of the pyramid isn’t everything but its all she has of the old in this new fragile world.
There is only so much change Quinn can take. But for once, this is a good change. A healthy change.
And Quinn knows she will protect Rachel from anything she can. She nevers want to see that sad look in the brunette’s eyes ever again. She’ll make those beautiful brown eyes shine like the constellations.
“I -” she stops and chokes on the words because there will always be the fear. This is not what good Christian girls do. This is not what her father would want. And she has always been a little bit of daddy’s girl.
Rachel smiles, that wind, blinding smile of hers and she knows even when Quinn has a lump in throat and isn’t quite sure of the words that want to seep out, she knows.
“I love you too,” Rachel murmurs softly because she claims Quinn’s lips as her own. Soft and gentle the two of them try to confer everything that they want to say but can’t, not right now, into that one kiss.
“I love you.”
Because there will always be fear and there will always be love and sometimes throwing caution to the wind was the only way to win and Quinn Fabray was willing to fight for Rachel Berry.
Quinn doesn’t know if there will be a RachelandQuinn after they graduate but the future is vast and wide and emotions and lives changed like the summer wind in high school. She doesn’t want to think too far into the future, doesn’t want to see the prospects of her being stuck in the hell hole known as Lima while Rachel runs off to Broadway, a brilliant star in the sky. So she spends her time in the present, in the now because every tear, every laugh, every emotion and every memory made with Rachel is worth it.
And that is what matters most - for now at least.