Buckling Down
Lately I've been faced with pretty typical decisions. Homework or the Sims? Going to Vancouver or writing a 1200 word paper? Reading my homework or sleeping in for another hour?
The weird thing is, I've been choosing the more responsible option more and more. Ashley asked me to come to Vancouver with her last weekend and I would've been so happy to go. But the money and the homework load said, "That would be irresponsible." And so I abstained, and instead worked during the weekend.
I just rewrote an essay. I got 75% on it and it is worth 10% of my grade. Last semester I would've (and did) said "Good enough" but now I'm compelled to fix things, to achieve my absolute best.
I have been coming home before midnight most nights.
I'm starting to really be free of my poisonous resentment and anger. I'm starting to not put huge importance on knowing my future because I know it'll happen either way.
The idea that I seem to be growing up is a little scary. There's a part of me that still craves irresponsibility. And I'm expressing it in ways that are bad. Mostly with eating junk, drinking and smoking too much. I'm not going to quit smoking the sticky g anytime soon, nor will I stop mixing it with my bitch drinks. But I am working on cutting out the junk food. Where booze and weed relieve the insane pressure and stress of full time school, junk food gives me a VERY temporary high and I feel so angry at myself after. So I have to drop it. And I'm slowly getting there. I've been a little better every day.
I really keep meaning to get a food journal together but I always forget, rah.
Yesterday:
Breakfast -- Vanilla Yogurt & Granola Bar
Lunch -- Chicken and Wedges
Dinner -- Bagel with Cream Cheese, Popcorn, Ice Cream <-- lol I said I was SLOWLY getting there
Snacks: Medium Ice Capp & Can of Arizona
And I didn't eat after dinner at all, hooray.
Sometimes I miss all my scary vices though. I guess it's true, some habits or addictions never really leave you. Obsession, nexus, depression, self-pity, they all call to me in their own ways here and there. But I continuously exorcise the urges through writing, art, and of course, my newer vices. So I think I'm learning to walk on my own two feet. How strange.
The weird thing is, I've been choosing the more responsible option more and more. Ashley asked me to come to Vancouver with her last weekend and I would've been so happy to go. But the money and the homework load said, "That would be irresponsible." And so I abstained, and instead worked during the weekend.
I just rewrote an essay. I got 75% on it and it is worth 10% of my grade. Last semester I would've (and did) said "Good enough" but now I'm compelled to fix things, to achieve my absolute best.
I have been coming home before midnight most nights.
I'm starting to really be free of my poisonous resentment and anger. I'm starting to not put huge importance on knowing my future because I know it'll happen either way.
The idea that I seem to be growing up is a little scary. There's a part of me that still craves irresponsibility. And I'm expressing it in ways that are bad. Mostly with eating junk, drinking and smoking too much. I'm not going to quit smoking the sticky g anytime soon, nor will I stop mixing it with my bitch drinks. But I am working on cutting out the junk food. Where booze and weed relieve the insane pressure and stress of full time school, junk food gives me a VERY temporary high and I feel so angry at myself after. So I have to drop it. And I'm slowly getting there. I've been a little better every day.
I really keep meaning to get a food journal together but I always forget, rah.
Yesterday:
Breakfast -- Vanilla Yogurt & Granola Bar
Lunch -- Chicken and Wedges
Dinner -- Bagel with Cream Cheese, Popcorn, Ice Cream <-- lol I said I was SLOWLY getting there
Snacks: Medium Ice Capp & Can of Arizona
And I didn't eat after dinner at all, hooray.
Sometimes I miss all my scary vices though. I guess it's true, some habits or addictions never really leave you. Obsession, nexus, depression, self-pity, they all call to me in their own ways here and there. But I continuously exorcise the urges through writing, art, and of course, my newer vices. So I think I'm learning to walk on my own two feet. How strange.