(no subject)
Most of the young women I know have struggled with one similar thing. Whether your mother is a drinker, a slut, a drug addict, someone completely drown in religion, work, or anything... I think every young woman looks at her mother and says, "Please don't let me become that." It's pretty inescapable, the fact that we all slowly turn into our parents. Obviously things change every generation, but it's terrifying.
My own issues with my mother are getting out of hand. I can't even communicate with her anymore. Mind you, that doesn't stop her from taking 30 minutes to tell me a story that should take 2. I guess it's a long time in the making, I've had issues with her for a long time and I've taken several different courses of action to stop what happens... and all of them are ineffectual.
When I was younger I would fight back, viciously. When I got a little older and I was depressed and had no self-worth, I just laid down like a dog and let her abuse me. I've talked to her about it over and over... and it doesn't make a difference. Eventually, she just does the same shit over and over again.
Nowadays I don't fight back really but I don't just lie down and let her attack me. I guess I just "dodge" it. Either I don't listen or I walk away or I sit there in silence until she gives up and leaves me alone. And occasionally I give her an honest answer, although she can't handle it, by telling her I seriously don't fucking care about whatever she is nagging me about.
So what's that vice that I see in my mother and so adamantly resist? Well I guess I do live in a bit of a bubble because it's nothing that is commonly thought of as a social problem.
Let's put it this way: if my mother was a manual worker she'd keep doing her job until she wore the skin off her hands and had to go to the hospital.
My mother stays up, regularly, until 4 or 5 am finishing papers for her Master's. Fucking kill me if I ever think school is that much of my life.
I used to think she was immune to stress related illness. Her entire office is constantly sick because she expects them to work a ridiculous amount, to pour their bodies, hearts, souls and minds into a fucking job non-stop. But I realise now, she still stresses, but instead of it eating her up, she just releases it on people she cares about.
When I get stressed out, I get sick mentally and physically. This is the normal reaction. But if I were to be just awful to, let's say Rob, constantly, maybe I would be able to function, because all the poison of stress would be released on someone else.
I think that is absolutely despicable. Disgusting, vile, rotten, horrid.
If you are willing to sacrifice your ability to be kind, respectful and loving towards those who are important to you in exchange for getting a little red 'A' on a FUCKING PIECE OF PAPER then you have such fucked up priorities. The thought actually makes my stomach ache, it's so sickening.
I would put relationships above school, work, ANYTHING. Nothing is more important than the good (important distinction) people in your life.
I think about the Glasgow 4 and how they sought tranquility and utopia. The world is so depressing; our priorities are so wrong; but in the thought of a small band of people with good souls who care about the truly meaningful, I find some glimmer of hope. If that existed once it can exist again, and I think that is my future.
I might forget about my Philosophy minor. Academia is like any other invention of the modern western world... so easily it becomes a poison, a parasite that feeds on the sacred, on the valuable, the important.
I guess that's why, every week, damn well knowing I'm going to end up stressed out and angry, I still try to spend Saturday with my mom. Even though she doesn't treat me right and there's no way to tell her that she doesn't... I have a duty to uphold my end of the relationship.
But it's very hard not to become deeply resentful... why does it always feel like I'm the only one pulling the cart?
I guess that's why Rob is one of very few friends I've kept around. He actually reciprocates the care I give him. It's so rare; most people are caught up in selfishness or wrong goals or self-preservation, and refuse to just love another person. But there are some of us who understand that the most valuable prize in the world is a relationship (friendship, romantic, family, or whatever) with a person who loves you as you love them. That's who I hold onto, even across the Rocky Mountains, even across Canada.
I can count those friends on a single hand but over all I am just grateful I have even one.
My own issues with my mother are getting out of hand. I can't even communicate with her anymore. Mind you, that doesn't stop her from taking 30 minutes to tell me a story that should take 2. I guess it's a long time in the making, I've had issues with her for a long time and I've taken several different courses of action to stop what happens... and all of them are ineffectual.
When I was younger I would fight back, viciously. When I got a little older and I was depressed and had no self-worth, I just laid down like a dog and let her abuse me. I've talked to her about it over and over... and it doesn't make a difference. Eventually, she just does the same shit over and over again.
Nowadays I don't fight back really but I don't just lie down and let her attack me. I guess I just "dodge" it. Either I don't listen or I walk away or I sit there in silence until she gives up and leaves me alone. And occasionally I give her an honest answer, although she can't handle it, by telling her I seriously don't fucking care about whatever she is nagging me about.
So what's that vice that I see in my mother and so adamantly resist? Well I guess I do live in a bit of a bubble because it's nothing that is commonly thought of as a social problem.
Let's put it this way: if my mother was a manual worker she'd keep doing her job until she wore the skin off her hands and had to go to the hospital.
My mother stays up, regularly, until 4 or 5 am finishing papers for her Master's. Fucking kill me if I ever think school is that much of my life.
I used to think she was immune to stress related illness. Her entire office is constantly sick because she expects them to work a ridiculous amount, to pour their bodies, hearts, souls and minds into a fucking job non-stop. But I realise now, she still stresses, but instead of it eating her up, she just releases it on people she cares about.
When I get stressed out, I get sick mentally and physically. This is the normal reaction. But if I were to be just awful to, let's say Rob, constantly, maybe I would be able to function, because all the poison of stress would be released on someone else.
I think that is absolutely despicable. Disgusting, vile, rotten, horrid.
If you are willing to sacrifice your ability to be kind, respectful and loving towards those who are important to you in exchange for getting a little red 'A' on a FUCKING PIECE OF PAPER then you have such fucked up priorities. The thought actually makes my stomach ache, it's so sickening.
I would put relationships above school, work, ANYTHING. Nothing is more important than the good (important distinction) people in your life.
I think about the Glasgow 4 and how they sought tranquility and utopia. The world is so depressing; our priorities are so wrong; but in the thought of a small band of people with good souls who care about the truly meaningful, I find some glimmer of hope. If that existed once it can exist again, and I think that is my future.
I might forget about my Philosophy minor. Academia is like any other invention of the modern western world... so easily it becomes a poison, a parasite that feeds on the sacred, on the valuable, the important.
I guess that's why, every week, damn well knowing I'm going to end up stressed out and angry, I still try to spend Saturday with my mom. Even though she doesn't treat me right and there's no way to tell her that she doesn't... I have a duty to uphold my end of the relationship.
But it's very hard not to become deeply resentful... why does it always feel like I'm the only one pulling the cart?
I guess that's why Rob is one of very few friends I've kept around. He actually reciprocates the care I give him. It's so rare; most people are caught up in selfishness or wrong goals or self-preservation, and refuse to just love another person. But there are some of us who understand that the most valuable prize in the world is a relationship (friendship, romantic, family, or whatever) with a person who loves you as you love them. That's who I hold onto, even across the Rocky Mountains, even across Canada.
I can count those friends on a single hand but over all I am just grateful I have even one.