I just realised
The weekend I spent in Medicine Hat was one of those influential moments in life that are a cornerstone in your path. On many levels I've examined why everything hit me so heavily, but I think one point in particular made the biggest impression on me.
Precursor: Lately I've been getting more and more frightened that when you dig beyond the surface, that everyone is selfish and inconsiderate. That I should just settle because every guy I ever care about is going to eventually treat me like garbage, so I might as well be with someone I'm comfortable with.
Thankfully, Brad showed me I was very wrong.
On Saturday night, we were lounging around on his bed, talking about whatever. I told him that it was very hard for me to deal with the lack of physical affection you face when single. The night before I was sleeping with my arm around him but I got so upset that I'd not have physical affection for so long that I stopped and curled up into a ball against the wall. I suppose that set me off a bit. My emotions were running high as it was and I was just exhausted, having barely slept the night before.
I told him about my greatest fears... That no one really loves me or wants me, they simply want what I can offer them. That everyone I love will use me up and toss me aside like Jose, or abuse me until I let go of them, as Josh did. I am so scared that no matter what I do, or how hard I try, that no one will ever take the time to see me as a person, instead of something they can use.
I started crying, and I tried to turn away in shame. But he wouldn't let me. Rather, he put his arm around me and pulled me into his chest. I laid my head on his shoulder (which by the way is padded with muscles, eeee). Then he did something I am still not sure I believe really happened. He started telling me that I have to follow the tao, and allow myself to drift into happiness and to people, rather than struggling towards it. He quoted the Tao te Ching. My tears stopped suddenly, and my heart swelled. He knew that I am a wannabe Taoist, and he used that knowledge to help me.
And that was the most loving gesture I've felt from another human being in what feels like years. Brad has absolutely no obligation to me, and yet he did that for me without blinking, without worrying about what it could cost him. He's not even a taoist, but he used the bit of knowledge he knew about it to calm me in a very specific, considerate way. All I could do in return is hug him as hard as I could, and thank him for calming me down. He said, "You did the same for me" as he hugged back and kissed me on the cheek.
So I know now that people are not simply rotten. I know I need not settle for someone who makes me so badly depressed that I become addicted to dangerous things. I have no idea if anything more than that weekend will ever transpire between he and I... But he gave me something so precious, at least I'll have that forever.
Precursor: Lately I've been getting more and more frightened that when you dig beyond the surface, that everyone is selfish and inconsiderate. That I should just settle because every guy I ever care about is going to eventually treat me like garbage, so I might as well be with someone I'm comfortable with.
Thankfully, Brad showed me I was very wrong.
On Saturday night, we were lounging around on his bed, talking about whatever. I told him that it was very hard for me to deal with the lack of physical affection you face when single. The night before I was sleeping with my arm around him but I got so upset that I'd not have physical affection for so long that I stopped and curled up into a ball against the wall. I suppose that set me off a bit. My emotions were running high as it was and I was just exhausted, having barely slept the night before.
I told him about my greatest fears... That no one really loves me or wants me, they simply want what I can offer them. That everyone I love will use me up and toss me aside like Jose, or abuse me until I let go of them, as Josh did. I am so scared that no matter what I do, or how hard I try, that no one will ever take the time to see me as a person, instead of something they can use.
I started crying, and I tried to turn away in shame. But he wouldn't let me. Rather, he put his arm around me and pulled me into his chest. I laid my head on his shoulder (which by the way is padded with muscles, eeee). Then he did something I am still not sure I believe really happened. He started telling me that I have to follow the tao, and allow myself to drift into happiness and to people, rather than struggling towards it. He quoted the Tao te Ching. My tears stopped suddenly, and my heart swelled. He knew that I am a wannabe Taoist, and he used that knowledge to help me.
And that was the most loving gesture I've felt from another human being in what feels like years. Brad has absolutely no obligation to me, and yet he did that for me without blinking, without worrying about what it could cost him. He's not even a taoist, but he used the bit of knowledge he knew about it to calm me in a very specific, considerate way. All I could do in return is hug him as hard as I could, and thank him for calming me down. He said, "You did the same for me" as he hugged back and kissed me on the cheek.
So I know now that people are not simply rotten. I know I need not settle for someone who makes me so badly depressed that I become addicted to dangerous things. I have no idea if anything more than that weekend will ever transpire between he and I... But he gave me something so precious, at least I'll have that forever.