feeling hollow
I am thorougly convinced I spend too much time re-thinking every little aspect of my life. It becomes maddening at times. Cecause of this I often mind myself wondering if I actually feel any of what I think I feel, or is it all self-enduced delusion? I am fully aware of the irony of this cycle of self-disbelief due to overexamination of said disbelief.
I have been thinking about who I am alot lately. What defines me? My standard answer, at least the last time I was seriously asking myself this question would be a fairly long response. This would tend to include something about being a bit overtrusting and naiive. It would also include alot of selflessness and generosity.
But lately I've been realising.. I don't trust easily anymore. And I am far more prone to worrying about my own needs over those of others. I hesitate to be generous with anything I have, be it physical like wealth or emotional like friendship. I think this is because, too many times have I offered these things, and they've been stripped from me. I realise it likely comes off as being quite self-piteous. I don't really feel sorry for myself, I am trying to think of this from a distanced, psychological perspective. More often than not, I find answers by detaching myself from a situation.
And I am worried about myself. Yes, my generally trusting nature and generousity have gotten me into some trouble before but I think that being bitter and chintzy is more dangerous to my social well being. If you're wondering how, exactly, I am being less trusting, this is probably the best way I can describe it:
I have/had a friend at work who I really like/d quite a bit. She is nice and funny, but there are a few things about her that irk me. And within the very SECOND of my realising she was irritating me, my mind starting shutting giant walls around the possibility of evolving my friendship with her. This has happened with two people at work. One of whom I have fought off the barriers and progressed with, and the other I have not.
Now, perhaps this is normal behaviour. But I don't really take a liking to thinking of myself as 'normal'. I, at least LIKE to think that I am have a bit more common sense than the average person, and that I shouldn't be spooked by something as simple as one undesireable trait in a prospective friend.
I get anxious and worried. But at the same time I can't force myself to open up much more than I do. I think I need someone to pry themself into me, but, who would actually be interested in doing that? I am not particularily interesting or loveable on the surface. In fact I think I may be the opposite. I am abrasive, bitchy, and my life overall consists of me working and sitting on a computer when I am not. Definately the time of person who intrigues others. :|
When I try to force myself into opening up, I just start drowning myself in woes over the people who have used me and made me close up like this. (Sorry, I generally hate people who go, "WAH ITS EVERYONE ELSE'S FAULT", but I don't really get what I've been doing wrong in trying to be a kind person?.. :\) There are some HEAVY offenders, one of whom sits at the top of the list, vastly trumping all others. But at the same time all the small stings hurt as much.
Hmm, and now I'm flipping back and forth between the classic, "they are assholes!" and "there must be something fundamentally wrong with me if everyone abandons me". Hooray, I think I'm bi-polar! :D :D :D
Blech. This continuing "is it me or is it real?" mental crisis is circulating particularily badly in relation to Josh. He seems to do a number of insensitive, rude, embarassing or otherwise unpleasant things on a daily basis. But I often find myself wondering, "Is he really doing this or am I unstable and wildly over-emotional?" He doesn't help me make up my mind much, either.
Well.. I guess I'll go back to my silent mental ping-pong now.
I have been thinking about who I am alot lately. What defines me? My standard answer, at least the last time I was seriously asking myself this question would be a fairly long response. This would tend to include something about being a bit overtrusting and naiive. It would also include alot of selflessness and generosity.
But lately I've been realising.. I don't trust easily anymore. And I am far more prone to worrying about my own needs over those of others. I hesitate to be generous with anything I have, be it physical like wealth or emotional like friendship. I think this is because, too many times have I offered these things, and they've been stripped from me. I realise it likely comes off as being quite self-piteous. I don't really feel sorry for myself, I am trying to think of this from a distanced, psychological perspective. More often than not, I find answers by detaching myself from a situation.
And I am worried about myself. Yes, my generally trusting nature and generousity have gotten me into some trouble before but I think that being bitter and chintzy is more dangerous to my social well being. If you're wondering how, exactly, I am being less trusting, this is probably the best way I can describe it:
I have/had a friend at work who I really like/d quite a bit. She is nice and funny, but there are a few things about her that irk me. And within the very SECOND of my realising she was irritating me, my mind starting shutting giant walls around the possibility of evolving my friendship with her. This has happened with two people at work. One of whom I have fought off the barriers and progressed with, and the other I have not.
Now, perhaps this is normal behaviour. But I don't really take a liking to thinking of myself as 'normal'. I, at least LIKE to think that I am have a bit more common sense than the average person, and that I shouldn't be spooked by something as simple as one undesireable trait in a prospective friend.
I get anxious and worried. But at the same time I can't force myself to open up much more than I do. I think I need someone to pry themself into me, but, who would actually be interested in doing that? I am not particularily interesting or loveable on the surface. In fact I think I may be the opposite. I am abrasive, bitchy, and my life overall consists of me working and sitting on a computer when I am not. Definately the time of person who intrigues others. :|
When I try to force myself into opening up, I just start drowning myself in woes over the people who have used me and made me close up like this. (Sorry, I generally hate people who go, "WAH ITS EVERYONE ELSE'S FAULT", but I don't really get what I've been doing wrong in trying to be a kind person?.. :\) There are some HEAVY offenders, one of whom sits at the top of the list, vastly trumping all others. But at the same time all the small stings hurt as much.
Hmm, and now I'm flipping back and forth between the classic, "they are assholes!" and "there must be something fundamentally wrong with me if everyone abandons me". Hooray, I think I'm bi-polar! :D :D :D
Blech. This continuing "is it me or is it real?" mental crisis is circulating particularily badly in relation to Josh. He seems to do a number of insensitive, rude, embarassing or otherwise unpleasant things on a daily basis. But I often find myself wondering, "Is he really doing this or am I unstable and wildly over-emotional?" He doesn't help me make up my mind much, either.
Well.. I guess I'll go back to my silent mental ping-pong now.