Vent
I'm sad today. I don't necessarily know why, except for the fact that I've been thinking a lot (which always manages to get me in trouble!). I lost a friend today. I mean, we stopped talking years ago- but it's like today I lost him all over again. This got me thinking about the past few years, and where I am today. I have lost contact with so many people- it's like the people I grew up with are gone, or if we do still talk, that we have little to nothing in common. I always felt a little out of place in high school, but I could always depend on my awesome group of friends. Then I went away to college and had a pretty tough year. I met some new people, some of them pretty incredible, but never really got too close to anyone. I always told myself that it was because I was so busy, and my time was so totally consumed by music. While that may be kind of true, I think that I was also lying to myself so I wouldn't be so lonely. It's like I've become this completely different person since I left high school. I find now that I am so shy- and I never used to be that way. I mean, when I'm with friends, I can't shut my mouth- but when I'm around new people, it's hard to even be. If that makes any sense.
Another thing that's been on my mind is my future. I'm so scared. I don't know what I want anymore. I don't know if I want to be a music major, or if I just want to run away.... I always thought that singing was what I wanted to do. I feel that being a singer has become the definition of who I am- in other words, who would I be without music? What could I do? Could I do anything? I dunno- I love singing. There are few feelings, if any, that compare to the feeling of being on stage. I love being able to touch people, just by the sound of my voice. But do I have what it takes? Can I ever achieve the discipline I need? But most of all... will I ever allow myself to succeed? To me, success is scarier than failure. I can deal with failure, in fact, we have become good friends as of late....
What else is new... let's see... classes have started, they're no big deal, but even as I sit here, there is reading to be done for CLS 150... I'll be glad to get my gen eds out of the way so I can start taking more of what I want. To be honest, if I had my way I would seriously have like a double major and a minor... but I know that it would kill me. So I might just end up taking as many electives as I can manage.
I think that Steve and I are going to South Carolina for a few days next month, that'll be fun... we've never really been on a trip before, so I'm really excited. We're going to visit some friends of his and then we're going to try to take a side trip to Charleston, just because it looks so cool! I can't wait for that, and just thinking about it makes me feel a little better.
Another thing that's been on my mind is my future. I'm so scared. I don't know what I want anymore. I don't know if I want to be a music major, or if I just want to run away.... I always thought that singing was what I wanted to do. I feel that being a singer has become the definition of who I am- in other words, who would I be without music? What could I do? Could I do anything? I dunno- I love singing. There are few feelings, if any, that compare to the feeling of being on stage. I love being able to touch people, just by the sound of my voice. But do I have what it takes? Can I ever achieve the discipline I need? But most of all... will I ever allow myself to succeed? To me, success is scarier than failure. I can deal with failure, in fact, we have become good friends as of late....
What else is new... let's see... classes have started, they're no big deal, but even as I sit here, there is reading to be done for CLS 150... I'll be glad to get my gen eds out of the way so I can start taking more of what I want. To be honest, if I had my way I would seriously have like a double major and a minor... but I know that it would kill me. So I might just end up taking as many electives as I can manage.
I think that Steve and I are going to South Carolina for a few days next month, that'll be fun... we've never really been on a trip before, so I'm really excited. We're going to visit some friends of his and then we're going to try to take a side trip to Charleston, just because it looks so cool! I can't wait for that, and just thinking about it makes me feel a little better.