desires
So, I've been thinking a lot lately about just what it is that I want out of life.
I'm good at making lists, but they fall short here. Oh, I can list the things I want to do or be: I want to get a doctorate and a juris doctorate (law degree). I want to see the world, to run a marathon, to learn to sail a boat, to earn a black belt, and so forth. Worthy goals in their own right, sure, but I can't help but notice that they're all superficial.
I should clarify that statement. When most people think of superficial goals, they think of purely cosmetic ones, usually looking pretty and/or acquiring material possessions, and none of my 'life goals' fall under those categories at all. Frankly, while I do like looking good (*preen*), I largely don't care about things, and go out of my way to accumulating junk. My list is still superficial, though: it's still just a collection, even if they're experiential or intellectual belongings instead of physical ones.
When I think about what I really want from life, what I come up with is people. This is the same answer I came up with when I came home from France, and it hasn't changed. I want close friends, people I care about and who care about me, around me -- around me, dammit, not spread out across an entire continent, or in some cases an entire globe. Even more than friends, I want someone in my life romantically, someone special to spend my life with. I've only felt that kind of spark with someone else a few times, but while it's there it makes everything in life seem so much richer and full of color and life.
(When you have that kind of relationship, it's easy to forget how much a part of your life it becomes. Occasionally I'll talk to friends who are in steady, long-term relationships, and say something like, "I feel like there's something missing in my life." The response I usually get is along the lines of, "Yeah, we feel that way too," intended wholly unironically. )
The trouble with all this is, of course, that it's not really easy to find close friends and true loves. Both of them are relationships that develop over time; even if you can meet people in the first place (which isn't a given), it's pure chance whether or not you end up forming those close relationships. And they aren't really something you can pursue, not in the sense that you can pursue a law degree or other tangible goal.
So, I stick to my superficial list, and keep my eyes peeled. And hope.
I'm good at making lists, but they fall short here. Oh, I can list the things I want to do or be: I want to get a doctorate and a juris doctorate (law degree). I want to see the world, to run a marathon, to learn to sail a boat, to earn a black belt, and so forth. Worthy goals in their own right, sure, but I can't help but notice that they're all superficial.
I should clarify that statement. When most people think of superficial goals, they think of purely cosmetic ones, usually looking pretty and/or acquiring material possessions, and none of my 'life goals' fall under those categories at all. Frankly, while I do like looking good (*preen*), I largely don't care about things, and go out of my way to accumulating junk. My list is still superficial, though: it's still just a collection, even if they're experiential or intellectual belongings instead of physical ones.
When I think about what I really want from life, what I come up with is people. This is the same answer I came up with when I came home from France, and it hasn't changed. I want close friends, people I care about and who care about me, around me -- around me, dammit, not spread out across an entire continent, or in some cases an entire globe. Even more than friends, I want someone in my life romantically, someone special to spend my life with. I've only felt that kind of spark with someone else a few times, but while it's there it makes everything in life seem so much richer and full of color and life.
(When you have that kind of relationship, it's easy to forget how much a part of your life it becomes. Occasionally I'll talk to friends who are in steady, long-term relationships, and say something like, "I feel like there's something missing in my life." The response I usually get is along the lines of, "Yeah, we feel that way too," intended wholly unironically. )
The trouble with all this is, of course, that it's not really easy to find close friends and true loves. Both of them are relationships that develop over time; even if you can meet people in the first place (which isn't a given), it's pure chance whether or not you end up forming those close relationships. And they aren't really something you can pursue, not in the sense that you can pursue a law degree or other tangible goal.
So, I stick to my superficial list, and keep my eyes peeled. And hope.