(no subject)
I am so happy I'm here and not at home. Even when I'm not doing anything, I feel so much more purposeful. I feel like I belong, even when I don't feel like I belong. This is a good place. Period.
I'm getting more and more excited when I think that next year I won't be a student. I've gone 12 years being a student. And now I get a little bit more chance to live. This feels more like the real world than anything else because I feel like I'm RESPONSIBLE. I feel so numb, so carried when I'm at home, and here I make my own reality. That feels more real than anything. If I don't pick it up, no one will. If I don't comfort this person, it brings the entire community down. If I don't present myself confidently, no one else will have confidence. And that, to some extent, is a good way to live. Sartre's a bit of my homeboy.
Although I do find myself wishing more that I was in a chanicha position, with someone to look out for me. Like, it's nice to have someone who will always seem to make it better, because they're older and have the responsibility. I find myself loving my kvutza more and more. I just want someone to constantly check on me, to have sichot to see if I'm okay, to make sure I'm included in peulot and to have those peulot catered towards me. Not that I'm unhappy, I just miss constantly being on someone's mind. If kids knew how much we thought about them, they would feel way more self conscious. Or maybe not, maybe they would feel more secure than they do.
I'm getting more and more excited when I think that next year I won't be a student. I've gone 12 years being a student. And now I get a little bit more chance to live. This feels more like the real world than anything else because I feel like I'm RESPONSIBLE. I feel so numb, so carried when I'm at home, and here I make my own reality. That feels more real than anything. If I don't pick it up, no one will. If I don't comfort this person, it brings the entire community down. If I don't present myself confidently, no one else will have confidence. And that, to some extent, is a good way to live. Sartre's a bit of my homeboy.
Although I do find myself wishing more that I was in a chanicha position, with someone to look out for me. Like, it's nice to have someone who will always seem to make it better, because they're older and have the responsibility. I find myself loving my kvutza more and more. I just want someone to constantly check on me, to have sichot to see if I'm okay, to make sure I'm included in peulot and to have those peulot catered towards me. Not that I'm unhappy, I just miss constantly being on someone's mind. If kids knew how much we thought about them, they would feel way more self conscious. Or maybe not, maybe they would feel more secure than they do.