...with a rightfully angry, Jesus Dude...
Looking back a few posts, and comparing that to how I'm feeling now, is presenting me with a rather awkward picture of myself. In the simplest terms, I have alternating stretches where I am winning at life, coupled with cycles where life is definitely holding all the chips, and I can't help but think that there shouldn't be any winning or losing at all.
This oscillation occurs when I am 'at my best' - a bunch of small victories amalgamated to give me this feeling, basically nonentities in the scheme of things; I've planned all my lessons for a week in advance, or I've done all of my end of year reports, and marked all my tests, coupled with completing an entire book of advanced remedial maths (it is not a paradox, I'm just practicing the harder stuff so I can get better at it). I am at the peak amplitude of my cycle - I'm the king of the world, and I sure as HELL ain't afraid of no police, etc. I'm bulletproof. Bring it on, I'll kick its ass so hard that it'll have glutes where there used to be earlobes.
And then, unstoppably ,I begin the decent, because peak's can't exist without troughs. I can complete all or most of the same tasks, do the same things before and after work and invest myself just as heartily in the math or physics of a problem, but the paradigm has shifted. I am now a very fragile thing, handle me with kid gloves. I break myself just as often as others will, for no better reason than I just don't know what the end result of my actions will be.
This sort of manic behaviour is not pathological, but rather time-dependant, where contentment is a periodic function of time. I'd be a lot more down with it if I could maintain a constant level without the highs and lows. Is this just the human condition? To bounce perpetually between shades of felicity? It's not England, it's not my job, and most of the time, I dont' even think it's me, uniquely. But honestly:
Dude, WTF?
This oscillation occurs when I am 'at my best' - a bunch of small victories amalgamated to give me this feeling, basically nonentities in the scheme of things; I've planned all my lessons for a week in advance, or I've done all of my end of year reports, and marked all my tests, coupled with completing an entire book of advanced remedial maths (it is not a paradox, I'm just practicing the harder stuff so I can get better at it). I am at the peak amplitude of my cycle - I'm the king of the world, and I sure as HELL ain't afraid of no police, etc. I'm bulletproof. Bring it on, I'll kick its ass so hard that it'll have glutes where there used to be earlobes.
And then, unstoppably ,I begin the decent, because peak's can't exist without troughs. I can complete all or most of the same tasks, do the same things before and after work and invest myself just as heartily in the math or physics of a problem, but the paradigm has shifted. I am now a very fragile thing, handle me with kid gloves. I break myself just as often as others will, for no better reason than I just don't know what the end result of my actions will be.
This sort of manic behaviour is not pathological, but rather time-dependant, where contentment is a periodic function of time. I'd be a lot more down with it if I could maintain a constant level without the highs and lows. Is this just the human condition? To bounce perpetually between shades of felicity? It's not England, it's not my job, and most of the time, I dont' even think it's me, uniquely. But honestly:
Dude, WTF?