I don't miss a thing...
Honestly I have to admit...now that it's all said and done I don't miss a thing from my last relationship...I cannot say I took anything away from it that was in any way positive...
Actually wait that's not true...I do know what I DON'T want in a relationship...it has made me a little jaded in regard to the viability of long term relationships...it has made me miss the years I lost...both for myself and with friends I was not allowed to keep in contact with...granted I take onus having given someone that control...but honestly you have no idea how horrific most of the relationship was...and yet...I stayed...wtf was I thinking...
So much so I went snooping back into my LiveJournal and found 4 private posts three were these woeful sad laments by me about how sad I was and wondering if this relationship of two years was a mistake...*sigh* if I had only listened to myself...and especially the 4th entry written in code reminding myself that nothing was private with her and that she had read the previous three and used them against me in an argument or two...
I also miss the beautiful knives that were given to me for Christmas and then summarily taken back along with other various and sundry things...but then again...they are things...and life will go on...
These and many many other things I regret...mostly I am so remorseful for having lost my true self...for so long...I was just a "yes boi"...acting as if everything was fine...juggling balls...trying to please to keep the insanity in check...turning down offers for dinners and events because someone was having an anxiety attack...or encouraging her to go out with a friend because she needed her friends...while I was denied contact with so many of mine...having to hear her bitch incessantly about this person or that and trying to placate and keep peace...frankly it wore me out...down to a place where I no longer even recognized myself...
I just wonder why I did it...why after two...did I stay eight more years in a celibate relationship with an irrational, anxiety provoked, person who feared everything from a noise outside after dark to knives just laying on the counter? Why did I constantly stay up two hours after her so she'd feel safe even if it meant I was only getting 2 hours of sleep during the busiest season of the year? Why did I constantly acquiesce to her opinion about everything from the colour of the car I liked to what face I made when I was upset...Goddess knows I really learned to loathe the expression "I hate that face...don't make that face." I learned to keep my face quite void of expression...*again sigh*
I lived it...and really never saw it as abuse...until someone pointed it out to me and now I think Holy Fuck! If I had a friend living through what I went through I would soooo call it...but when you're too close...and you keep chasing a certain "high" you don't see it...wanting to help someone...and wanting them to love you as you have loved them...is a very sad place to be...it's not a good tenant for any REAL relationship...
I guess even though I don't miss much...I certainly learned volumes...and that is the best thing you can do...when walking your path in life...
Learn...and don't do the same stupid shit all over again...riiiight?
heh heh
peace out yo...
TTFN
Actually wait that's not true...I do know what I DON'T want in a relationship...it has made me a little jaded in regard to the viability of long term relationships...it has made me miss the years I lost...both for myself and with friends I was not allowed to keep in contact with...granted I take onus having given someone that control...but honestly you have no idea how horrific most of the relationship was...and yet...I stayed...wtf was I thinking...
So much so I went snooping back into my LiveJournal and found 4 private posts three were these woeful sad laments by me about how sad I was and wondering if this relationship of two years was a mistake...*sigh* if I had only listened to myself...and especially the 4th entry written in code reminding myself that nothing was private with her and that she had read the previous three and used them against me in an argument or two...
I also miss the beautiful knives that were given to me for Christmas and then summarily taken back along with other various and sundry things...but then again...they are things...and life will go on...
These and many many other things I regret...mostly I am so remorseful for having lost my true self...for so long...I was just a "yes boi"...acting as if everything was fine...juggling balls...trying to please to keep the insanity in check...turning down offers for dinners and events because someone was having an anxiety attack...or encouraging her to go out with a friend because she needed her friends...while I was denied contact with so many of mine...having to hear her bitch incessantly about this person or that and trying to placate and keep peace...frankly it wore me out...down to a place where I no longer even recognized myself...
I just wonder why I did it...why after two...did I stay eight more years in a celibate relationship with an irrational, anxiety provoked, person who feared everything from a noise outside after dark to knives just laying on the counter? Why did I constantly stay up two hours after her so she'd feel safe even if it meant I was only getting 2 hours of sleep during the busiest season of the year? Why did I constantly acquiesce to her opinion about everything from the colour of the car I liked to what face I made when I was upset...Goddess knows I really learned to loathe the expression "I hate that face...don't make that face." I learned to keep my face quite void of expression...*again sigh*
I lived it...and really never saw it as abuse...until someone pointed it out to me and now I think Holy Fuck! If I had a friend living through what I went through I would soooo call it...but when you're too close...and you keep chasing a certain "high" you don't see it...wanting to help someone...and wanting them to love you as you have loved them...is a very sad place to be...it's not a good tenant for any REAL relationship...
I guess even though I don't miss much...I certainly learned volumes...and that is the best thing you can do...when walking your path in life...
Learn...and don't do the same stupid shit all over again...riiiight?
heh heh
peace out yo...
TTFN