The Fearful Heart (2 of 2)
Title: The Fearful Heart 2/2
Rating: PG-13
Fandom: All My Children
Pairing: Bianca/Marissa
Word Count: 4,339
Author: Tempest819
Summary: Takes place after Bianca and Marissa agree to take a break from each other.
Disclaimer: I own nothing but a Honda Civic. The characters below belong to ABC blah, blah, blah. Don’t sue me.
Previous Chapter: Part 1
Bianca sat on the cabin porch and watched as the sun made its slow descent into the west. This was is exactly what she needed. Her distractions were nothing more than the sounds of nature and the cool breeze against her skin. She could disconnect from everything; no laptop, no work calendar, no calls. She let her office know they could reach her through Kendall if it was an emergency, otherwise it would have to wait until her break was over.
Everything that had happened in the past couple of months had been inflating inside her like an emotional bubble and that bubble burst after her confrontation with Marissa. The redhead's anger had unnerved her; she hadn’t been prepared for it. One sentence kept playing over in her mind in a loop.
“All this time you were acting like my friend…”
Marissa’s accusation had filled her with indignation at the time. How could she question her sincerity, after everything they had been through? That one statement made her question all that had played out between them. She dissected every moment, trying to see if it was possible that she had projected more on to their relationship than had actually existed. It was certainly possible. She had just come out of a devastating marriage and Marissa had been the one to see her through it. She was her champion as her lawyer and then as her friend. Perhaps the nature of the situation had led her to become more emotionally invested in their connection than was warranted. But she didn’t want to accept that. It made everything seem so small and meant that she while she may have gotten older, she may not have matured as much as she should have. Her mind drifted back to when she was 18 years old and how it felt when she saw Maggie Stone for the first time. While Maggie and Bianca eventually crossed the line between friends and lovers, there was a very long period of time that Bianca spent pinning over her straight best friend. Part of that was due to Maggie’s connection to Frankie, whose relationship with Bianca ended tragically with her murder. She didn’t want to admit it at the time, but part of her feelings in the beginning had a lot to do with Bianca projecting an idea of who Maggie was before she even got to know her. Had that happened again? All these years later was she still projecting, still trying to play the part of the tragic heroine in a play of star crossed lovers?
And that’s what really irked her. She thought she had done the responsible thing, the mature thing. She was honest with Marissa about her feelings, not because she expected them to be reciprocated, but so she could move beyond them and find something real. It wasn’t easy, laying her feelings bare and knowing they wouldn’t be returned. But that’s part of growing up isn’t it; facing inconvenient truths instead of burying them? So how did it go so wrong? Was helping JR such an offense to their friendship? Maybe she had gone too far, maybe she had overcompensated because she was afraid that her feelings for Marissa would cause her to act selfishly and advise the other woman against reconciliation. Yet, even if that were the case, did it warrant such outrage from Marissa; did it justify the questioning of her integrity?
Everything was so muddled, so distorted, like she was seeing her memories playback in the reflection of a funhouse mirror. Before she could dissect her predicament even further, the sound a car making its way up the path to the cabin caught her attention. The car parked and out stepped a familiar figure with red hair. Marissa locked eyes with her and Bianca immediately noticed how tired she looked. Her heart clenched at the sight of her friend's distressed appearance. She had to fight the urge to run to her aid. Instead the stood frozen as the other woman made her way up the porch steps.
"What are you doing here?" Bianca questioned, averting her eyes in an effort to stand firm.
“I needed to see you.” The quiver in Marissa's voice betrayed the resolve she was attempting to call up. Seeing Bianca, recognizing the tension in her body, the way her arms crossed at her chest and her head was cocked to the side, made a chill run down her spine.
“My being here isn’t about what you need, Marissa. That’s the whole point. Please go back home.”
“I’m not leaving.” Marissa stepped closer to the brunette to emphasize her determination.
"Excuse me?”
“I’m not leaving. We started a conversation at Krystal’s and we have to finish it.”
“So what is this, an ambush?” Bianca threw her hands up in the air in frustration. “You’ve got everything ready that you want to say and so you come find me, even after I specifically asked for some space. That’s not fair, Marissa. I don’t ask for things very often, but I asked you for this. I asked you for time.”
Marissa lowered her head in consternation as she debated internally if she should leave. Bianca sounded so disappointed and her words couldn’t be any truer. The brunette never asked anything of her, but this was a request she had to deny. Too much had been left unsaid for too long. “I know, I know...but our last conversation...they way it ended, it wasn’t finished, so much more needed to be said, and then you said we shouldn’t see each other for a while.”
“Which you agreed to without missing a beat.”
“I know, and I shouldn’t have. I made a huge mistake. I’ll give you all the time you need after today, but if you’re going to stay here to do some kind of post-mortem on our relationship, it can’t be based off of what we last said to each other. After everything we’ve been through, Bianca, please, we deserve more than just letting what we have fade into the background.”
Bianca bit her lip and turned her attention away from Marissa as she pondered whether to continue to protest the other woman's presence. Turning her attention back, seeing Marissa looking so frail and lost, she realized that didn't have it in her to be so indifferent. “You have goose bumps…Are you cold?”
“I’m…" Marissa let out a sigh of relief and felt her heart leap at sound of concern in Bianca's voice. "I’m a lot of things right now.”
“I was about to make some tea. Why don’t you come in?”
“Thank you.”
***************************************
Bianca walked back to the kitchen table with kettle in hand and poured tea into each of their respective cups. Sitting across from the other woman, she raised hers to her lips to take a sip, then questioned, “So I assume that you were able to convince Kendall to tell you where I am.”
“It wasn’t easy.” Marissa nodded her head in affirmation.
“Yeah, well, she’s knows I’ll give her hell for it when I get back so you must have made a pretty good argument to get her spill the beans.”
“If there's one thing I’m good at it’s making an argument…” Marissa paused to look up into Bianca’s eyes. “…especially when it counts."
Bianca, caught in Marissa’s intense gaze, sat silent for a moment before shaking her head to break out of her trance. “I’m aware.”
“She loves you very much.”
“Who? Kendall? Of course she does, she’s my big sister.” Bianca shrugged her shoulders as if to emphasize the effortless of that truth.
“But it’s more than that. I mean, of course she loves you; you’re family, you’re blood, that alone would be enough, but she respects you, admires you even more, as a person, not just her sister. It makes her that much more loyal to you.”
“She knows me completely and vice versa. I don’t know if every sibling relationship is like that or if we’re just unique, I just know that I’m very grateful for it.”
“She knows you because you know yourself. I’ve never met someone so at ease with just being…existing. You have no idea how rare that is Bianca. How amazing and beautiful that is…”
“Is this what you came to tell me, how amazing I am, because I don’t remember you telling me that when we last spoke?" Bianca questioned as she set her cup down with force and the resulting sound pierced the tranquil atmosphere of the cabin. "What I do remember is you suggesting that I was pretending to be your friend, and I remember how it felt to hear you say that. I was honest with you with everything I was feeling and it wasn’t easy Marissa, it was borderline humiliating actually. I don’t blame you for being uncomfortable with my confession, it’s completely natural for you to be weirded out by it, but I asked you to be honest with me, to tell me what you were feeling so that we could avoid this exact situation”
“I’m so sorry; I don’t think you were pretending anything. I said that of out confusion and fear, but it couldn’t be farther from the truth.”
Bianca peered deep into Marissa’s eyes hoping to find some seed of deception lingering there so she could maintain her vehemence. She could find none, which only frustrated her more, and before she could censor herself, pointed words fell from her lips like icicles dropping from a barn roof. “You’ve been looking for a reason to distance yourself from me because you're uncomfortable with my feelings and you used this situation with me coaching JR to justify pulling away from me.”
“Is that what you think?" Marissa replied, her eyes wide with disbelief. She reached out to grab Bianca's hand, but the other woman pulled away hers away before she could make contact. Marissa stared down at her empty palm and clenched her fist as if she were trying to hold on to an apparition. And that's how it felt, as if a cold specter had passed right through her. "How…how could you think that? If what you’re accusing me of is true do you have any idea how terrible of a person that makes me?”
“I…I” Bianca stumbled over her words as she tried to maintain her ire at the redhead, but seeing Marissa look so aghast at her accusation, she felt her indignation deflate like a balloon.
Marissa got up from the table and stepped back, unable to endure the confines of her seat as her body began to burst with conflicting emotions of exasperation and reverence. “At Krystal’s when you said that the only reason I was freaking out after hearing how you helped JR was because all I see you as is a ‘lesbian with a crush,' do you know how that cut right through me?" She pressed her palm to chest and gently tapped it against her breastplate as if to quell the thunderous beat beneath her skin. "How it hurt me to know that you think that’s all I see when I look at you?”
“I didn't say it to hurt you."
"They why did you say it?"
"I just realized something right then…”
“What?”
"That I'm a grown woman with a full and gratifying life, a mother of two amazing little girls and despite all that I’m still getting crushes on my best friend like I’m a lovesick teenager!" Bianca shouted in desperation. She got up from the table with her tea cup and walked over to the sink to dump its contents. Suddenly she wasn't in the mood for the soothing aroma of the lavender brew. Her back now facing Marissa, she gripped the edge of the sink with her hands as she wrestled with whether to continue her confession, but the struggle was futile. The river of emotion that she had been blocking with a mental dam had been unleashed, and it was too late to hold back the rushing tide. "It's ridiculous and pathetic and what's worse..." Her voice broke as she tried to contain her feelings. "What’s worse is that for a flicker of a moment I resented you for it."
With those final words she felt her shoulders begin to shake involuntarily and tears trickle down her cheeks. She felt so heavy at that moment, as if an unseen force was bearing down on her. When she felt the warm and gentle touch of the other woman's hands on her shoulders, she felt some of the weight dissipate and she turned to face the source of comfort.
"I don't want to be that person, Marissa. That's not me. You were right. I manipulated a situation that I had no right to. I gave JR the music box to give to you, because I knew if I gave it to you myself it wouldn't have meant the same thing...you wouldn't have smiled the way smiled when you showed it to me after he gave it to you. And I wanted you to smile like that, even if it wasn't for me.”
Marissa wiped the tears from the brunettes cheeks. The selflessness of the other woman left her undone. Never before had she felt so strong a need to reach out and touch another person. If she wasn't so sure that Bianca would tense at her embrace should have held her in her arms until the sun came back up. “You always do that don’t you?”
“What?”
“Put others before yourself, no matter what the cost, never giving yourself the credit you deserve.”
“You make me sound like an angel.” Bianca dismissed her comment and walked away from the redhead in an effort to put some space between them again.
“No. No, you might seem like an angel to some people, but never to me. Only someone who didn’t know you would call you angel. To call you can angel, would be to ignore the very thing that makes you truly extraordinary Bianca.”
“What’s that?”
“Your humanity." Marissa, no longer willing to let Bianca pull away, stepped in front of the brunette, reached out with her open hand, and placed it over the other woman's chest. "This heart, it pumps blood, just like mine, just like everyone else’s, and that makes you human, not invulnerable. It means you feel fear, just like everyone else, doubt and loneliness, just like everyone else. The difference with you is that, despite feeling those things, you don’t stop. You never give up hope, never feel sorry for yourself, you feel it all and keep going, and even more still, you do what’s right, even when the wrong thing is so much easier.”
“You haven’t known me long enough. You wouldn’t say that so earnestly if you did.”
“How long do I have to know you to see who you are? You don’t hide who you are Bianca, and you’re not faking it either. I saw you during one of the toughest periods in your life; a divorce and a custody battle for your children. You had chance upon chance to fight dirty, to paint Reese in an unflattering light to discredit her claim on her custody rights, but you wouldn’t do it. I’m a lawyer Bianca, I don’t have to get very far in my day to be reminded of how disappointing people can be, of the lengths we will go to when something gets in the way of something we want, but that's not you.”
“You may not be calling me an angel, but you’re still putting me on a pedestal all the same.”
“You’re not on a pedestal, Bianca. It’s just that most of the rest of us get through this world by crawling around and keeping our head down in avoidance of coming up against something stronger that could knock us down. It’s just easier to believe that the reason we look up to you is because you're standing on something, instead of admitting that the only thing you’re standing on is your own two feet and that the only reason we’re looking up at you is because we we’re too afraid to stand up with you.” Marissa stepped closer and lowered her hand from Bianca's chest, reaching out to capture the other woman's hand with her own. “I don’t want to look up at you, Bianca. I want to stand next to you, I want to be able to look right beside me and know that it’s your eyes that will be looking back at me…I’m so sorry that I left you to stand alone, that it took me a little while to understand what I was feeling.”
“What are you saying?” Bianca asked plainly, but her eyes declared that she already knew the answer to her question.
“That I wish I could have recognized this sooner, but there wasn't a neon sign, no bat signal... everything just felt so natural so I didn't think there was a reason to question it. It seemed so natural that you would be the person I would think of first in the morning. So natural that if I didn’t have plans to see you on a certain day, I’d find myself staring at my phone, hoping you’d call to see if I wanted to get together. So natural to want our embraces to linger just a little longer and our conversations to never end. It was all so effortless, so unprompted, I never thought to question any it, until you told me how you felt. You’re right about one thing. Your confession did change things between us; it did make me look at you differently..." Marissa reached up and took Bianca's face in her hands. "... just not for the reason you think.”
“You’re saying...”
“I'm saying I love you. I’m in love with you.”
Bianca felt her vision start to narrow, her pulse start to race, and the little hairs on the back of her neck stand at attention as she processed Marissa's words. She wasn't prepared for this. This wasn't where this conversation was supposed to go. She drew her head back in disbelief and covered her mouth as whispered words of astonishment escape from lips. “This isn’t happening.” She pulled Marissa's hands away from her face and walked to the other side of the room as she attempted to recover any semblance of control over her emotions.
Marissa called out to her, hoping her words would pull the brunette out of whatever daze her confession had caused. “It’s been happening. It’s the reason you went and found me a music box that plays 'Forever More'. It’s the reason you told JR to take me to the comedy club and bring orange soda and donuts to the park. It's the reason-”
“It's just a music box, Marissa!" Bianca called out, her voice now frantic. "Just porcelain and some gears, that’s all.”
“It’s so much more than that, Bianca.”
“You don’t know what you’re saying.” Bianca replied vehemently, shaking her head wildly in disagreement.
“Yes I do.”
“No, you don’t! You don’t know, you don’t have the faintest idea of what it means be a woman and say you love another woman. You don’t know, because you’re not a lesbian and I am, and I’m not doing this again.”
“Bianca, stop!” Marissa grabbed the brunette by the arms to pull her towards her, hoping she could get the other woman to look into her eyes and erase any doubt she found there.
“No you stop!" Bianca jerked arms free, pointed at Marissa, and steadied her voice so that it conveyed the intensity of her conviction. “You stop and let your head catch up to the words your heart is spilling out. Stop thinking about what you’re feeling and start thinking about what it means."
Marissa held her ground and didn't break eye contact for a even a fraction of second as she confidently replied, “I know exactly what it means.”
Bianca, undeterred by the redhead's stalwart stance, stepped closer. “Do you?" With swift movement she reached out with both her arms and pulled the other woman to her at her waist so that not even the width of a hair could fit between them. "It means this…do you feel that?" Their bodies pressed against one another, chest to chest, waist to waist. Everything mingled; breath, scent, pulse. Bianca leaned down slightly so that her forehead rested against Marissa's, and she whispered in a sensuous tone, “It’s different isn't it? But that’s not what you’ve been telling yourself. You’ve been telling yourself it’s the same, all love is the same, and that maybe it’s not the gender that matters, just the person’s soul. But it’s different now, when we're close like this. It's different.” She pulled back just enough so that she could raise her hands and trail them over the exposed skin of the other woman's arms. She watched as her fingertips left a trail of flesh colored bumps in their wake. "My skin is soft, just like yours. My arms are slight, my hair is long, my body curves and bends just like yours." She trailed her right hand back up Marissa's left arm and lifted it to press the back of her fingers against the skin of the redhead's cheek. “And if reach out to graze your cheek, just like this, to feel it’s warmth, to feel how soft and smooth it is, it feels different, doesn't it."
The iris's of Marissa's eyes were reduced to rims of color as the black of her pupils dilated to their fullest. Bianca's ministrations left her feeling drunk, unable to move her limbs, with the slightest of whimpers escaping her lips before replying, “Yes.” And as she felt her body automatically lean into the other woman, as she focused her sight on the tantalizing lips that were only a inch away, just before she was about to lay claim to her prize, she felt the cold sting of air as Bianca abruptly pulled back from her.
“And that’s how it’ll look, to every person we pass on the street, to every person who sees us when were sitting on a park bench with our hands entwined, to every parent who watches us with our arms around each other’s waists as we wait for AJ and Miranda to run down the school steps. It’ll look different to them, and then it will really start to feel different to you, too different, and I won’t go through that again.”
Marissa, feeling as though she had been pulled from a dream, allowed herself a moment to let the blood usher back through her veins. When composed, she stepped close to Bianca again, not willing to let Bianca's attempt to shock her break her resolve. She knew what she wanted, she knew what she felt, she knew what it meant, and she wasn't going to back down. Standing before the other woman, looking directly into her eyes, she asked the question that Bianca had been so deftly trying to avoid. "Do you love me?"
Bianca shook her head in amazement, unwilling to capitulate. "What do you want to hear?"
With equal force and measure, Marissa pressed again, "Do you love me?"
Bianca walked backward trying to escape the intensity of the other woman's pursuit. When she hit a wall behind her she lifted her eyes to the ceiling and called out in a strangled cry, "It’s not enough."
Marissa felt tears in her eyes start to pool. She reached out and cradled the other woman's face in her hands and stretched out her thumbs to wipe away the tears that had stained them. "How can you say that?"
With quivering chin and pained eyes, Bianca remorsefully replied, "Because it’s never been enough."
Unable to maintain the strength needed to continue standing, Bianca slid down against the wall and fell to her knees. Marissa, now with full understanding of the other woman's doubt and fear, kneeled before Bianca. She took the other woman's trembling hands into her own and pressed them against her lips. She waited a moment and then called her attention. "Bianca, look at me. Please look at me." When the other woman finally lifted her heavy head to meet her eyes she continued in a voice that had never been more certain or steady. "I’m not them, and you’re not the same person either. This isn't the same because this is us...it’s you and me...it's you and me." She waited to see recognition in Bianca eyes, recognition that the other woman understood the gravity and meaning of her words. When she saw life return to Bianca's deep brown eyes, she asked again, "Do you love me?
"I tried not to."
"Do you love me?"
“Yes.”
Marissa felt her mouth erupt in a smile that threatened to consume her face. Bianca, with eyes no longer shrouded with fear, returned an equally vibrant smile. Unable to hold back any longer, Marissa leaned forward to press her lips to the woman who captured her heart in a music box. When lips touched, when the sensation of the softness of Bianca's mouth pressed against her own registered in her mind, the sound of her thundering heartbeat erupted in her ears. It felt wonderfully new and yet familiar. Everything about it left her undone; the way kiss began as tender and soon became wanton, they way she instinctively found her hands tangling in Bianca's incredibly soft and thick hair, the way Bianca grabbed her at her waist and pulled her tight, the way she became intoxicated with the scent of the other woman's skin, the way her toes curled at the feel of Bianca's tongue delicately brushing against her own. It almost became too much and they both pulled away before they passed out from lack of breath.
Bianca rested her forehead against Marissa's. She cupped the other woman's face in her hands, gently ran her thumb over her lips and breathlessly exclaimed, "“God help me, I love you so much.”
Marissa, with a knowing smile, replied, “Forever more?”
“Forever more.”
~Finis~
Rating: PG-13
Fandom: All My Children
Pairing: Bianca/Marissa
Word Count: 4,339
Author: Tempest819
Summary: Takes place after Bianca and Marissa agree to take a break from each other.
Disclaimer: I own nothing but a Honda Civic. The characters below belong to ABC blah, blah, blah. Don’t sue me.
Previous Chapter: Part 1
Bianca sat on the cabin porch and watched as the sun made its slow descent into the west. This was is exactly what she needed. Her distractions were nothing more than the sounds of nature and the cool breeze against her skin. She could disconnect from everything; no laptop, no work calendar, no calls. She let her office know they could reach her through Kendall if it was an emergency, otherwise it would have to wait until her break was over.
Everything that had happened in the past couple of months had been inflating inside her like an emotional bubble and that bubble burst after her confrontation with Marissa. The redhead's anger had unnerved her; she hadn’t been prepared for it. One sentence kept playing over in her mind in a loop.
“All this time you were acting like my friend…”
Marissa’s accusation had filled her with indignation at the time. How could she question her sincerity, after everything they had been through? That one statement made her question all that had played out between them. She dissected every moment, trying to see if it was possible that she had projected more on to their relationship than had actually existed. It was certainly possible. She had just come out of a devastating marriage and Marissa had been the one to see her through it. She was her champion as her lawyer and then as her friend. Perhaps the nature of the situation had led her to become more emotionally invested in their connection than was warranted. But she didn’t want to accept that. It made everything seem so small and meant that she while she may have gotten older, she may not have matured as much as she should have. Her mind drifted back to when she was 18 years old and how it felt when she saw Maggie Stone for the first time. While Maggie and Bianca eventually crossed the line between friends and lovers, there was a very long period of time that Bianca spent pinning over her straight best friend. Part of that was due to Maggie’s connection to Frankie, whose relationship with Bianca ended tragically with her murder. She didn’t want to admit it at the time, but part of her feelings in the beginning had a lot to do with Bianca projecting an idea of who Maggie was before she even got to know her. Had that happened again? All these years later was she still projecting, still trying to play the part of the tragic heroine in a play of star crossed lovers?
And that’s what really irked her. She thought she had done the responsible thing, the mature thing. She was honest with Marissa about her feelings, not because she expected them to be reciprocated, but so she could move beyond them and find something real. It wasn’t easy, laying her feelings bare and knowing they wouldn’t be returned. But that’s part of growing up isn’t it; facing inconvenient truths instead of burying them? So how did it go so wrong? Was helping JR such an offense to their friendship? Maybe she had gone too far, maybe she had overcompensated because she was afraid that her feelings for Marissa would cause her to act selfishly and advise the other woman against reconciliation. Yet, even if that were the case, did it warrant such outrage from Marissa; did it justify the questioning of her integrity?
Everything was so muddled, so distorted, like she was seeing her memories playback in the reflection of a funhouse mirror. Before she could dissect her predicament even further, the sound a car making its way up the path to the cabin caught her attention. The car parked and out stepped a familiar figure with red hair. Marissa locked eyes with her and Bianca immediately noticed how tired she looked. Her heart clenched at the sight of her friend's distressed appearance. She had to fight the urge to run to her aid. Instead the stood frozen as the other woman made her way up the porch steps.
"What are you doing here?" Bianca questioned, averting her eyes in an effort to stand firm.
“I needed to see you.” The quiver in Marissa's voice betrayed the resolve she was attempting to call up. Seeing Bianca, recognizing the tension in her body, the way her arms crossed at her chest and her head was cocked to the side, made a chill run down her spine.
“My being here isn’t about what you need, Marissa. That’s the whole point. Please go back home.”
“I’m not leaving.” Marissa stepped closer to the brunette to emphasize her determination.
"Excuse me?”
“I’m not leaving. We started a conversation at Krystal’s and we have to finish it.”
“So what is this, an ambush?” Bianca threw her hands up in the air in frustration. “You’ve got everything ready that you want to say and so you come find me, even after I specifically asked for some space. That’s not fair, Marissa. I don’t ask for things very often, but I asked you for this. I asked you for time.”
Marissa lowered her head in consternation as she debated internally if she should leave. Bianca sounded so disappointed and her words couldn’t be any truer. The brunette never asked anything of her, but this was a request she had to deny. Too much had been left unsaid for too long. “I know, I know...but our last conversation...they way it ended, it wasn’t finished, so much more needed to be said, and then you said we shouldn’t see each other for a while.”
“Which you agreed to without missing a beat.”
“I know, and I shouldn’t have. I made a huge mistake. I’ll give you all the time you need after today, but if you’re going to stay here to do some kind of post-mortem on our relationship, it can’t be based off of what we last said to each other. After everything we’ve been through, Bianca, please, we deserve more than just letting what we have fade into the background.”
Bianca bit her lip and turned her attention away from Marissa as she pondered whether to continue to protest the other woman's presence. Turning her attention back, seeing Marissa looking so frail and lost, she realized that didn't have it in her to be so indifferent. “You have goose bumps…Are you cold?”
“I’m…" Marissa let out a sigh of relief and felt her heart leap at sound of concern in Bianca's voice. "I’m a lot of things right now.”
“I was about to make some tea. Why don’t you come in?”
“Thank you.”
***************************************
Bianca walked back to the kitchen table with kettle in hand and poured tea into each of their respective cups. Sitting across from the other woman, she raised hers to her lips to take a sip, then questioned, “So I assume that you were able to convince Kendall to tell you where I am.”
“It wasn’t easy.” Marissa nodded her head in affirmation.
“Yeah, well, she’s knows I’ll give her hell for it when I get back so you must have made a pretty good argument to get her spill the beans.”
“If there's one thing I’m good at it’s making an argument…” Marissa paused to look up into Bianca’s eyes. “…especially when it counts."
Bianca, caught in Marissa’s intense gaze, sat silent for a moment before shaking her head to break out of her trance. “I’m aware.”
“She loves you very much.”
“Who? Kendall? Of course she does, she’s my big sister.” Bianca shrugged her shoulders as if to emphasize the effortless of that truth.
“But it’s more than that. I mean, of course she loves you; you’re family, you’re blood, that alone would be enough, but she respects you, admires you even more, as a person, not just her sister. It makes her that much more loyal to you.”
“She knows me completely and vice versa. I don’t know if every sibling relationship is like that or if we’re just unique, I just know that I’m very grateful for it.”
“She knows you because you know yourself. I’ve never met someone so at ease with just being…existing. You have no idea how rare that is Bianca. How amazing and beautiful that is…”
“Is this what you came to tell me, how amazing I am, because I don’t remember you telling me that when we last spoke?" Bianca questioned as she set her cup down with force and the resulting sound pierced the tranquil atmosphere of the cabin. "What I do remember is you suggesting that I was pretending to be your friend, and I remember how it felt to hear you say that. I was honest with you with everything I was feeling and it wasn’t easy Marissa, it was borderline humiliating actually. I don’t blame you for being uncomfortable with my confession, it’s completely natural for you to be weirded out by it, but I asked you to be honest with me, to tell me what you were feeling so that we could avoid this exact situation”
“I’m so sorry; I don’t think you were pretending anything. I said that of out confusion and fear, but it couldn’t be farther from the truth.”
Bianca peered deep into Marissa’s eyes hoping to find some seed of deception lingering there so she could maintain her vehemence. She could find none, which only frustrated her more, and before she could censor herself, pointed words fell from her lips like icicles dropping from a barn roof. “You’ve been looking for a reason to distance yourself from me because you're uncomfortable with my feelings and you used this situation with me coaching JR to justify pulling away from me.”
“Is that what you think?" Marissa replied, her eyes wide with disbelief. She reached out to grab Bianca's hand, but the other woman pulled away hers away before she could make contact. Marissa stared down at her empty palm and clenched her fist as if she were trying to hold on to an apparition. And that's how it felt, as if a cold specter had passed right through her. "How…how could you think that? If what you’re accusing me of is true do you have any idea how terrible of a person that makes me?”
“I…I” Bianca stumbled over her words as she tried to maintain her ire at the redhead, but seeing Marissa look so aghast at her accusation, she felt her indignation deflate like a balloon.
Marissa got up from the table and stepped back, unable to endure the confines of her seat as her body began to burst with conflicting emotions of exasperation and reverence. “At Krystal’s when you said that the only reason I was freaking out after hearing how you helped JR was because all I see you as is a ‘lesbian with a crush,' do you know how that cut right through me?" She pressed her palm to chest and gently tapped it against her breastplate as if to quell the thunderous beat beneath her skin. "How it hurt me to know that you think that’s all I see when I look at you?”
“I didn't say it to hurt you."
"They why did you say it?"
"I just realized something right then…”
“What?”
"That I'm a grown woman with a full and gratifying life, a mother of two amazing little girls and despite all that I’m still getting crushes on my best friend like I’m a lovesick teenager!" Bianca shouted in desperation. She got up from the table with her tea cup and walked over to the sink to dump its contents. Suddenly she wasn't in the mood for the soothing aroma of the lavender brew. Her back now facing Marissa, she gripped the edge of the sink with her hands as she wrestled with whether to continue her confession, but the struggle was futile. The river of emotion that she had been blocking with a mental dam had been unleashed, and it was too late to hold back the rushing tide. "It's ridiculous and pathetic and what's worse..." Her voice broke as she tried to contain her feelings. "What’s worse is that for a flicker of a moment I resented you for it."
With those final words she felt her shoulders begin to shake involuntarily and tears trickle down her cheeks. She felt so heavy at that moment, as if an unseen force was bearing down on her. When she felt the warm and gentle touch of the other woman's hands on her shoulders, she felt some of the weight dissipate and she turned to face the source of comfort.
"I don't want to be that person, Marissa. That's not me. You were right. I manipulated a situation that I had no right to. I gave JR the music box to give to you, because I knew if I gave it to you myself it wouldn't have meant the same thing...you wouldn't have smiled the way smiled when you showed it to me after he gave it to you. And I wanted you to smile like that, even if it wasn't for me.”
Marissa wiped the tears from the brunettes cheeks. The selflessness of the other woman left her undone. Never before had she felt so strong a need to reach out and touch another person. If she wasn't so sure that Bianca would tense at her embrace should have held her in her arms until the sun came back up. “You always do that don’t you?”
“What?”
“Put others before yourself, no matter what the cost, never giving yourself the credit you deserve.”
“You make me sound like an angel.” Bianca dismissed her comment and walked away from the redhead in an effort to put some space between them again.
“No. No, you might seem like an angel to some people, but never to me. Only someone who didn’t know you would call you angel. To call you can angel, would be to ignore the very thing that makes you truly extraordinary Bianca.”
“What’s that?”
“Your humanity." Marissa, no longer willing to let Bianca pull away, stepped in front of the brunette, reached out with her open hand, and placed it over the other woman's chest. "This heart, it pumps blood, just like mine, just like everyone else’s, and that makes you human, not invulnerable. It means you feel fear, just like everyone else, doubt and loneliness, just like everyone else. The difference with you is that, despite feeling those things, you don’t stop. You never give up hope, never feel sorry for yourself, you feel it all and keep going, and even more still, you do what’s right, even when the wrong thing is so much easier.”
“You haven’t known me long enough. You wouldn’t say that so earnestly if you did.”
“How long do I have to know you to see who you are? You don’t hide who you are Bianca, and you’re not faking it either. I saw you during one of the toughest periods in your life; a divorce and a custody battle for your children. You had chance upon chance to fight dirty, to paint Reese in an unflattering light to discredit her claim on her custody rights, but you wouldn’t do it. I’m a lawyer Bianca, I don’t have to get very far in my day to be reminded of how disappointing people can be, of the lengths we will go to when something gets in the way of something we want, but that's not you.”
“You may not be calling me an angel, but you’re still putting me on a pedestal all the same.”
“You’re not on a pedestal, Bianca. It’s just that most of the rest of us get through this world by crawling around and keeping our head down in avoidance of coming up against something stronger that could knock us down. It’s just easier to believe that the reason we look up to you is because you're standing on something, instead of admitting that the only thing you’re standing on is your own two feet and that the only reason we’re looking up at you is because we we’re too afraid to stand up with you.” Marissa stepped closer and lowered her hand from Bianca's chest, reaching out to capture the other woman's hand with her own. “I don’t want to look up at you, Bianca. I want to stand next to you, I want to be able to look right beside me and know that it’s your eyes that will be looking back at me…I’m so sorry that I left you to stand alone, that it took me a little while to understand what I was feeling.”
“What are you saying?” Bianca asked plainly, but her eyes declared that she already knew the answer to her question.
“That I wish I could have recognized this sooner, but there wasn't a neon sign, no bat signal... everything just felt so natural so I didn't think there was a reason to question it. It seemed so natural that you would be the person I would think of first in the morning. So natural that if I didn’t have plans to see you on a certain day, I’d find myself staring at my phone, hoping you’d call to see if I wanted to get together. So natural to want our embraces to linger just a little longer and our conversations to never end. It was all so effortless, so unprompted, I never thought to question any it, until you told me how you felt. You’re right about one thing. Your confession did change things between us; it did make me look at you differently..." Marissa reached up and took Bianca's face in her hands. "... just not for the reason you think.”
“You’re saying...”
“I'm saying I love you. I’m in love with you.”
Bianca felt her vision start to narrow, her pulse start to race, and the little hairs on the back of her neck stand at attention as she processed Marissa's words. She wasn't prepared for this. This wasn't where this conversation was supposed to go. She drew her head back in disbelief and covered her mouth as whispered words of astonishment escape from lips. “This isn’t happening.” She pulled Marissa's hands away from her face and walked to the other side of the room as she attempted to recover any semblance of control over her emotions.
Marissa called out to her, hoping her words would pull the brunette out of whatever daze her confession had caused. “It’s been happening. It’s the reason you went and found me a music box that plays 'Forever More'. It’s the reason you told JR to take me to the comedy club and bring orange soda and donuts to the park. It's the reason-”
“It's just a music box, Marissa!" Bianca called out, her voice now frantic. "Just porcelain and some gears, that’s all.”
“It’s so much more than that, Bianca.”
“You don’t know what you’re saying.” Bianca replied vehemently, shaking her head wildly in disagreement.
“Yes I do.”
“No, you don’t! You don’t know, you don’t have the faintest idea of what it means be a woman and say you love another woman. You don’t know, because you’re not a lesbian and I am, and I’m not doing this again.”
“Bianca, stop!” Marissa grabbed the brunette by the arms to pull her towards her, hoping she could get the other woman to look into her eyes and erase any doubt she found there.
“No you stop!" Bianca jerked arms free, pointed at Marissa, and steadied her voice so that it conveyed the intensity of her conviction. “You stop and let your head catch up to the words your heart is spilling out. Stop thinking about what you’re feeling and start thinking about what it means."
Marissa held her ground and didn't break eye contact for a even a fraction of second as she confidently replied, “I know exactly what it means.”
Bianca, undeterred by the redhead's stalwart stance, stepped closer. “Do you?" With swift movement she reached out with both her arms and pulled the other woman to her at her waist so that not even the width of a hair could fit between them. "It means this…do you feel that?" Their bodies pressed against one another, chest to chest, waist to waist. Everything mingled; breath, scent, pulse. Bianca leaned down slightly so that her forehead rested against Marissa's, and she whispered in a sensuous tone, “It’s different isn't it? But that’s not what you’ve been telling yourself. You’ve been telling yourself it’s the same, all love is the same, and that maybe it’s not the gender that matters, just the person’s soul. But it’s different now, when we're close like this. It's different.” She pulled back just enough so that she could raise her hands and trail them over the exposed skin of the other woman's arms. She watched as her fingertips left a trail of flesh colored bumps in their wake. "My skin is soft, just like yours. My arms are slight, my hair is long, my body curves and bends just like yours." She trailed her right hand back up Marissa's left arm and lifted it to press the back of her fingers against the skin of the redhead's cheek. “And if reach out to graze your cheek, just like this, to feel it’s warmth, to feel how soft and smooth it is, it feels different, doesn't it."
The iris's of Marissa's eyes were reduced to rims of color as the black of her pupils dilated to their fullest. Bianca's ministrations left her feeling drunk, unable to move her limbs, with the slightest of whimpers escaping her lips before replying, “Yes.” And as she felt her body automatically lean into the other woman, as she focused her sight on the tantalizing lips that were only a inch away, just before she was about to lay claim to her prize, she felt the cold sting of air as Bianca abruptly pulled back from her.
“And that’s how it’ll look, to every person we pass on the street, to every person who sees us when were sitting on a park bench with our hands entwined, to every parent who watches us with our arms around each other’s waists as we wait for AJ and Miranda to run down the school steps. It’ll look different to them, and then it will really start to feel different to you, too different, and I won’t go through that again.”
Marissa, feeling as though she had been pulled from a dream, allowed herself a moment to let the blood usher back through her veins. When composed, she stepped close to Bianca again, not willing to let Bianca's attempt to shock her break her resolve. She knew what she wanted, she knew what she felt, she knew what it meant, and she wasn't going to back down. Standing before the other woman, looking directly into her eyes, she asked the question that Bianca had been so deftly trying to avoid. "Do you love me?"
Bianca shook her head in amazement, unwilling to capitulate. "What do you want to hear?"
With equal force and measure, Marissa pressed again, "Do you love me?"
Bianca walked backward trying to escape the intensity of the other woman's pursuit. When she hit a wall behind her she lifted her eyes to the ceiling and called out in a strangled cry, "It’s not enough."
Marissa felt tears in her eyes start to pool. She reached out and cradled the other woman's face in her hands and stretched out her thumbs to wipe away the tears that had stained them. "How can you say that?"
With quivering chin and pained eyes, Bianca remorsefully replied, "Because it’s never been enough."
Unable to maintain the strength needed to continue standing, Bianca slid down against the wall and fell to her knees. Marissa, now with full understanding of the other woman's doubt and fear, kneeled before Bianca. She took the other woman's trembling hands into her own and pressed them against her lips. She waited a moment and then called her attention. "Bianca, look at me. Please look at me." When the other woman finally lifted her heavy head to meet her eyes she continued in a voice that had never been more certain or steady. "I’m not them, and you’re not the same person either. This isn't the same because this is us...it’s you and me...it's you and me." She waited to see recognition in Bianca eyes, recognition that the other woman understood the gravity and meaning of her words. When she saw life return to Bianca's deep brown eyes, she asked again, "Do you love me?
"I tried not to."
"Do you love me?"
“Yes.”
Marissa felt her mouth erupt in a smile that threatened to consume her face. Bianca, with eyes no longer shrouded with fear, returned an equally vibrant smile. Unable to hold back any longer, Marissa leaned forward to press her lips to the woman who captured her heart in a music box. When lips touched, when the sensation of the softness of Bianca's mouth pressed against her own registered in her mind, the sound of her thundering heartbeat erupted in her ears. It felt wonderfully new and yet familiar. Everything about it left her undone; the way kiss began as tender and soon became wanton, they way she instinctively found her hands tangling in Bianca's incredibly soft and thick hair, the way Bianca grabbed her at her waist and pulled her tight, the way she became intoxicated with the scent of the other woman's skin, the way her toes curled at the feel of Bianca's tongue delicately brushing against her own. It almost became too much and they both pulled away before they passed out from lack of breath.
Bianca rested her forehead against Marissa's. She cupped the other woman's face in her hands, gently ran her thumb over her lips and breathlessly exclaimed, "“God help me, I love you so much.”
Marissa, with a knowing smile, replied, “Forever more?”
“Forever more.”
~Finis~