Angsty quarterly post...or something like that.
I just had a not good weekend. I don't have a good reason for it either. Which confuses, frustrates, and generally is sort of the cause...Not completely sure how that works.
I started my weekend tired, sore, and a bit out of sorts. I suppose I should catch you up on recent life happenings. I'm only working at Walmart at the moment. But it is a third shift manual labor position paying approximately a buck over this year's upcoming minimum wage. I know a couple of the managers like me/my work. This is good. Gives me a little bit of hope for when I finally hit that magic bureaucratic seniority figure that will give me a chance at advancement (still several months to go). The problem is that emotional stuff that has happened in my life bled over into my work and the last few weeks I've felt that attention from management fade a bit as I withdrew some to deal with it. On a positive note, my performance at work should be picking back up, hopefully with a commensurate increase in attention.
Emotional stuff. I thought I had found a loving future quite a while back. Then I thought that I had lost it. To be perfectly frank, I've been in something of a major depressive slump for more than a year since then. I recently found out that that loving future was something I never had. Strangely enough, I think this is causing me to let some things go and I'm pulling out of the depressive slump. Downside: Now that I know I haven't found the sort of Love I'm looking for...I'm slipping back into the more passive, cynical outlook I had developed regarding relationships before the one I'm referencing. So I'm a ball of raw nerve endings, some of which are retreating into a numb state. The rest of which are making me cranky. After all...I had thought that since I found it once, I could probably find it again...now I don't know where to begin.
I hate to play the cliche (a strange thing for me to say...I love playing cliches...however, not this one I think), but I don't know what I want.
I don't know what I want from Work. I don't know what I want from my Friends. I don't know what I want from my Future. I don't know what I want from God(guiding principle of your choice).
Now that I've said that. It isn't entirely accurate.
From work: I want challenged in my intellectual and leadership capacities, I want to work with customers. I want a position/pay that allows me to have my own place, get my own food, meet all of my financial responsibilities, lets me pursue a few of my own interests, and start providing for later in my life.
From my friends: Thank you. I don't mean my earlier statements to be harsh or negative toward you. I have some friends that help keep my sanity at an acceptable level. You guys call me with your troubles and I am happy to help. I call you with mine, and You Are There for Me. I'm still just getting used to the idea that people change and friendships change in intensity, purpose, and closeness/familiarity. Change like that...I don't know...I hate to say it scares me so much as it somehow offends me? Like all of a sudden gravity works sideways. I need you guys, and I deeply hope that I provide a similar level of help to you.
From my future: This is the hardest because it is poorly phrased.
I want to find a place where I fit in? The deepest, most common desire of all people. I went to a coffee shop/bar last night here in Wichita. As always, people have their cliques. It was the nicest place I've been to since leaving Manhattan, in atmosphere. And yet I was certainly the outsider. Is there something about me? Do I do it subconsciously? Consciously? I can work and be friendly and mostly fit in with any random group of strangers. But it is so very much work. I want a place where I don't have to work at it.
I want to be financially independent. Not having to seriously worry about how I'm going to be spending that next check.
I want a fulfilling relationship. I want to find someone who doesn't mind the scars I carry or wants to make them heal. And I pray that I can do the same for them. I want, possibly more than anything else, someone to be with that we can mutually support each other. Emotionally, Mentally, Physically, Spiritually, And any other way you can think of. I don't know how to Begin to look for something like this. I honestly don't want someone just to fool around with. Sex is nice. It is important for a long-term healthy relationship(for me at least). But it's not enough for me to look for right now. I think the worst part is that I'm so tired emotionally right now, that I don't know if I can go through all the grunt-work. I don't know if I'm solid enough to flirt, date, and comb the masses. I think I've finally decided that I'd like a kid or two of my own. I'd like some time for romance and each other first...and I'm by no means old...and perhaps I'm just woefully ignorant, but biological clocks may need to be taken into account. And I want to be healthy/young enough to enjoy playing with and raising kids. Not need to worry about whether I'll be able to stand up the next day.
From God: I'd really like to know the purpose which my past has been put to. If I am needed for something to come, I'd like to take pride and joy from it, whatever it is. A nudge toward fulfilling my desires for the future would of course be appreciated. But frankly I'll give thanks for the good and the bad times. On a less serious note: God, I am still waiting for some super powers to manifest for me in your plan :)
So my weekend is over and I'm about to try to sleep again. I watched three movies, did a couple loads of laundry, got my taxes ready (mostly), went out to a bar/coffee shop, talked with friends, built a character/finished a book, food/shower/etc., I still have an ache in my neck, I'm still tired, I'm still a little cranky(not nearly so much now), and now that I've written this...it feels like I accomplished something.
Have a great day and I'll talk soon.
I started my weekend tired, sore, and a bit out of sorts. I suppose I should catch you up on recent life happenings. I'm only working at Walmart at the moment. But it is a third shift manual labor position paying approximately a buck over this year's upcoming minimum wage. I know a couple of the managers like me/my work. This is good. Gives me a little bit of hope for when I finally hit that magic bureaucratic seniority figure that will give me a chance at advancement (still several months to go). The problem is that emotional stuff that has happened in my life bled over into my work and the last few weeks I've felt that attention from management fade a bit as I withdrew some to deal with it. On a positive note, my performance at work should be picking back up, hopefully with a commensurate increase in attention.
Emotional stuff. I thought I had found a loving future quite a while back. Then I thought that I had lost it. To be perfectly frank, I've been in something of a major depressive slump for more than a year since then. I recently found out that that loving future was something I never had. Strangely enough, I think this is causing me to let some things go and I'm pulling out of the depressive slump. Downside: Now that I know I haven't found the sort of Love I'm looking for...I'm slipping back into the more passive, cynical outlook I had developed regarding relationships before the one I'm referencing. So I'm a ball of raw nerve endings, some of which are retreating into a numb state. The rest of which are making me cranky. After all...I had thought that since I found it once, I could probably find it again...now I don't know where to begin.
I hate to play the cliche (a strange thing for me to say...I love playing cliches...however, not this one I think), but I don't know what I want.
I don't know what I want from Work. I don't know what I want from my Friends. I don't know what I want from my Future. I don't know what I want from God(guiding principle of your choice).
Now that I've said that. It isn't entirely accurate.
From work: I want challenged in my intellectual and leadership capacities, I want to work with customers. I want a position/pay that allows me to have my own place, get my own food, meet all of my financial responsibilities, lets me pursue a few of my own interests, and start providing for later in my life.
From my friends: Thank you. I don't mean my earlier statements to be harsh or negative toward you. I have some friends that help keep my sanity at an acceptable level. You guys call me with your troubles and I am happy to help. I call you with mine, and You Are There for Me. I'm still just getting used to the idea that people change and friendships change in intensity, purpose, and closeness/familiarity. Change like that...I don't know...I hate to say it scares me so much as it somehow offends me? Like all of a sudden gravity works sideways. I need you guys, and I deeply hope that I provide a similar level of help to you.
From my future: This is the hardest because it is poorly phrased.
I want to find a place where I fit in? The deepest, most common desire of all people. I went to a coffee shop/bar last night here in Wichita. As always, people have their cliques. It was the nicest place I've been to since leaving Manhattan, in atmosphere. And yet I was certainly the outsider. Is there something about me? Do I do it subconsciously? Consciously? I can work and be friendly and mostly fit in with any random group of strangers. But it is so very much work. I want a place where I don't have to work at it.
I want to be financially independent. Not having to seriously worry about how I'm going to be spending that next check.
I want a fulfilling relationship. I want to find someone who doesn't mind the scars I carry or wants to make them heal. And I pray that I can do the same for them. I want, possibly more than anything else, someone to be with that we can mutually support each other. Emotionally, Mentally, Physically, Spiritually, And any other way you can think of. I don't know how to Begin to look for something like this. I honestly don't want someone just to fool around with. Sex is nice. It is important for a long-term healthy relationship(for me at least). But it's not enough for me to look for right now. I think the worst part is that I'm so tired emotionally right now, that I don't know if I can go through all the grunt-work. I don't know if I'm solid enough to flirt, date, and comb the masses. I think I've finally decided that I'd like a kid or two of my own. I'd like some time for romance and each other first...and I'm by no means old...and perhaps I'm just woefully ignorant, but biological clocks may need to be taken into account. And I want to be healthy/young enough to enjoy playing with and raising kids. Not need to worry about whether I'll be able to stand up the next day.
From God: I'd really like to know the purpose which my past has been put to. If I am needed for something to come, I'd like to take pride and joy from it, whatever it is. A nudge toward fulfilling my desires for the future would of course be appreciated. But frankly I'll give thanks for the good and the bad times. On a less serious note: God, I am still waiting for some super powers to manifest for me in your plan :)
So my weekend is over and I'm about to try to sleep again. I watched three movies, did a couple loads of laundry, got my taxes ready (mostly), went out to a bar/coffee shop, talked with friends, built a character/finished a book, food/shower/etc., I still have an ache in my neck, I'm still tired, I'm still a little cranky(not nearly so much now), and now that I've written this...it feels like I accomplished something.
Have a great day and I'll talk soon.