Fic: Never Did Run Smooth (continued)
Never Did Run Smooth
Part One
Part Two
Part Three
Part Four
Part Five
Part Six
Part Seven
"Okay. Here's the plan," Camille said, pacing the length of Lucy's apartment. "The big thing is, we need to hot you up."
"What?" Kendall looked down at himself. "I'm plenty hot!"
Camille and Lucy exchanged a look that plainly said isn't he cute? and Kendall sulked.
"I'm hot enough that Lucy went out with me," he said, scowling and crossing his arms.
"Fake went out with you," Lucy reminded him.
"And then fake had sex with me," Kendall shot back. "You think I'm hot enough for everyone to think you're hooking up with."
"No, I just thought you were mildly less crazy than everyone else around here. Not sure I was right on that one."
"Hey!"
Camille stopped pacing and waved their conversation away. "You look fine, Kendall, in a gangly, small town, boy next door way. James, however, looks hot in a sophisticated, son of a makeup magnate, could be a spokesmodel kind of way."
"Does Logan know you think that?" Kendall asked, then, amused, "Does Lucy?"
"I'm not that easily threatened," Lucy said. "Besides, I think I could take James in a fight."
Kendall considered. James was tall and broad and a hockey player, but he probably wouldn't hit a girl. Kendall doubted Lucy would have any scruples about fighting dirty. Yeah, she probably could, when it came down to it.
"You are adorable," Camille informed her, beaming. "Fighting for my honor. I love it. But luckily for James, it's not necessary."
Kendall chuckled. "Okay, so --"
"So," Camille interrupted, "if we're going to convince James that you're suddenly interested in being a hotass, we'll need to do some work on our own first. How do you feel about manscaping?"
--
Kendall, it turned out, did not feel good about manscaping. That did not keep Lucy from sitting on him to hold him down while Camille attacked his face and body with all kinds of waxes and gooey potions and weird textured rock thingies and he had no idea what else.
All he knew was that when he walked into 2J hours later, Carlos letting out a whistle and declaring, "What happened to your face?" was not exactly the reaction he was going for.
Carlos and James were playing some video game on the couch, while Logan had a mess of text books and papers spread across the kitchen counter. James and Logan both looked up at him, too. Surprise was obvious on Logan's face, entertainment on Carlos', and James' eyes lit up.
"Nothing happened to my face!"
James bounced up to his feet. "Lies," he accused, walking up to Kendall. He paused, leaning in, almost nose to nose. It was weird and if he were about two inches closer they'd be kissing --
But he pulled back and said, "Deep cleanse, exfoliation, eyebrow waxing, some kind of mask. A good one, too."
Kendall managed, "Oh, so that's what they did to me. I gave up asking. There was something green and it smelled like salad, I don't even know."
James laughed. "Your skin is glowing. That's amazing. It's like you've never even washed your face before or something."
"I wash my face!"
"Let me guess, you use the same bar soap you do for the shower?" James shook his head. "I'll call my mom, have her send you a sampler of her men's line. You'll love it."
"I don't think I will," Kendall said skeptically, then, a little offended, "Why aren't you pushing Cuda on me?"
James' voice went low and husky. "You aren't ready for Cuda." Then it brightened. "Your skin does look great, though. So you've decided to actually care about that stuff now that you're gay?"
"Something like that." Kendall paused. "And I've always been gay."
"Since you kissed me." James made his way back to the couch and picked up his controller.
"Since forever," Kendall repeated.
"James, don't tease him," Logan lectured, tapping his pen against his homework. "It wasn't easy for him to tell us."
"Whatever, Mom," James answered, hitting a button on his controller. The noises of the game came back up.
Logan scowled and chucked his pen at James' head. James yelped and dropped his controller. As he turned around to yell at Logan, Carlos yelled, "Ha!" and there was the sound of violent death. James yelped again, apparently not sure which one of them he wanted to deal with more, and finally he settled back onto the couch, informed Carlos that that game didn't count, and started a new one.
Kendall shrugged and wandered to his room. He had no idea if that had gone well or gone badly or what, but at least James had noticed.
--
Kendall waited for James to approach him with, sure enough, a basket full of weird bottles of soap and hair gel and he had no idea what else. "You see these things?" James asked.
Kendall nodded.
"Good. Use them. Actually, you'll have to use them, because I threw out everything else you had in the bathroom except your toothbrush."
"Hey!"
James grinned. "Don't say I never did anything for you."
Kendall rolled his eyes and examined some of the tiny bottles. "I don't even know what these are."
James pointed. "Shampoo, conditioner, body wash, facial soap, moisturizer, aftershave, hair gel. Don't be afraid, I'll show you how to use them."
Kendall gave him a hearty shove. "I'm not incompetent, you know."
"You are about things like this," James said.
Which was as good an opening as he was likely to get. Kendall wasn't much of an actor, but Camille had coached him. So he said, "Um, yeah. About... about things like this?"
"Hmm?" James eyes lit up a little. He looked interested. Which was good. Terrifying, but good.
"I, well. Camille and Lucy were making fun of me before that whole... thing they did to my face. The whole thing came up because, uh. You know. I don't. I've never. You know."
"Actually, I have no idea."
If Kendall sounded like he wanted to die, it was because he felt like he wanted to die. "Camille says I need to dress better if I'm going to pick up a guy ever. Something about higher standards of grooming and I don't know, it all sounded like stereotypes because that's not me," which was true, really, "but then again I've never actually been out with a guy so what the hell do I know, and anyway, do you want to go shopping?"
James stared at him. "You? Want to go shopping? You hate shopping."
"Yes, I do," Kendall agreed. It was true; really, he only bothered shopping at all because it was either that or let his mother buy all his clothes for him, and as much as he loved her, that wasn't going to happen. James, on the other hand, loved shopping. "But I also wouldn't mind, you know, looking like whatever. And this is kind of your area of expertise. So."
"You want me to take you shopping," James repeated. "You know, you always dream about moments like these, but you never think they'll really happen. You have so much to learn, young Padawan, let me be your Jedi Master. You won't regret it."
"I already do," Kendall said.
--
Their first stop was pants. James moved through the store like a natural disaster, leaving racks decimated behind them, tugging Kendall along by his collar. Kendall went from optimistic about the whole thing to entertained by it to terrified when James forcibly shoved him into a dressing room.
And he was in no way prepared for it when James circled him, eyes glued to Kendall's hips and butt and package. But James shook his head. "Too loose through here." He put a hand on Kendall's hip. It was hot through the jeans, but James just used it to gather the denim and show how much extra there was. "Wow. You have no hips and no ass. That's kind of remarkable."
"Shut up." Kendall shoved James away from him.
James laughed and threw another pair of pants at him. "Try these."
So Kendall did. And this time James circled him like a wild animal circling prey, then declared, "Yes. These."
"These?"
James pushed Kendall towards a full length mirror. "See? See how these hit here," he put his hand on Kendall's hip again, "and they make it look like you do have an ass, see?" He smacked it playfully and Kendall turned red and punched his arm.
"They're not perfect," James continued. "We'll have to get them tailored, that's the real key to making anything look good, but they're a better base to start from. Oh man, you are going to be so hot."
Face still stupidly red, Kendall said, "Promise?"
--
It took six hours. Six. Kendall was pretty sure shopping was his idea of hell, and as much as he loved James he spent at least five of those hours wanting to strangle him or stab him or mutilate him in some way. He put Kendall in outfits that looked ridiculous, then laughed and took pictures with his phone. He also laughed at Kendall's gangly limbs and how uncomfortable he was in basically anything that wasn't flannel or a t-shirt.
But then again, there were a few glorious minutes mixed in with those excruciating hours, when James would look at him with an expression that was almost... hungry, really. And there were plenty of times James would just invite himself into Kendall's personal space bubble, straightening clothes or adjusting seams, buttoning or unbuttoning shirts, with exactly zero sense of personal boundaries. Aside from the pants James had forced him into, there were a bunch of shirts, which James had gone on and on about fit and sleeve length and Kendall didn't know what else, but James had been really enthusiastic about it. He'd even let Kendall get two whole plaid shirts (not flannel, but plaid), since they were cut well or something.
Finally, finally, they'd been to every store James could think of. They'd racked up tons of purchases (all put on the Rocque Records cards -- hey, Kendall looking good would make the band look good) and Kendall was exhausted and grumpy and completely convinced that the whole idea had been idiotic. He was pretty sure he looked good in the clothes but he also felt weird about changing how he dressed to impress some guy. Even if the guy was James. And it wasn't like James had said or done anything that really meant anything. He loved shopping and fashion, so making Kendall look good had probably been a matter of pride, not anything else.
At least, that was what he thought until James gave him a lingering look right before heading into his bedroom and said, "Do yourself a favor. Don't ever wear," he gestured at Kendall's body, "any of that again. The stuff we got you today? You'll look hot. You'll have to beat the boys off."
There was a long pause. Kendall raised his eyebrows.
"Bad word choice," James admitted. "But then again, that's further than you've ever gone with a dude, so would it be such a bad thing?"
He slammed the door to his room before Kendall could yell a retort, and laughter drifted back from behind it.
--
Kendall wore entirely James-approved outfits for the next three days and waited for something to happen. Anything. Because the whole point was that James had picked out the clothes, James had declared they made Kendall look hot... so James must have found Kendall hot in them, right?
It was a good theory. Logical. Scientifically sound. Kendall was sure that if he ran it by Logan, Logan would agree -- not that he was going to do that, but still.
But apparently it had a flaw somewhere, because James grinned at the group on the third day and announced, "You know Suzanne, that new girl?"
"The really hot one with the crazy blue eyes?" Carlos asked.
"Yup." James ran his lucky comb through his hair. "We're going out tonight."
As Carlos and Logan congratulated James, something in Kendall snapped a little bit. Without even realizing what he was doing he said, "Yeah, cool. I have a date too, actually."
All three of them turned to stare at him. "Awesome," Logan said. "With who?"
With who? Right. Kendall should have seen that coming. He improvised, "You know. Uh. A new guy."
"I didn't know there were any new guys lately," James said. "Who is he?"
"Um, you wouldn't have seen him. He's, uh, in a movie. He's usually on set," Kendall said. Then, just to make sure they didn't get too nosy, he added, "And he only speaks French so he hasn't really introduced himself to anyone."
"You don't speak French," Logan said.
Damn it. Right. He didn't. Everyone stared, so he said, "Yeah, I know, I didn't know he didn't speak English so I introduced myself and, um, actions speak louder than words or something. He went to do that cheek kiss thing that Europeans do, you know, whatever, but uh, he missed and we kind of real kissed? And anyway we managed to work out the date thing. So. Yeah. Date. With a French guy."
"Cool," James said. "Well. Have fun."
--
"A French guy?" Lucy demanded.
Kendall let out a satisfying nnnnaaargh noise and collapsed on her couch. "Yes. I have a fake date with a non-existent French guy."
"Does he have a name?" Camille asked.
"He's not real!"
Camille waved that away easily. "Yes, and he needs a name. It's one of the important pieces of building a character. We'll need to decide what he looks like, what his hobbies are, what he's doing in Hollywood... This is going to be fun. This could work!"
"What could work?" Kendall groaned.
Camille waggled her eyebrows. "We're going to get you into a hot and heavy relationship. And watch to see if His Tallness reacts."
"That sounds like a terrible idea."
"You have a better one?" Lucy asked.
Kendall groaned into the couch cushion. "No."
"Great. Now let's get to work. Pierre?" Camille suggested.
"Soundslike a fake name for a French guy."
"That's what it is," Lucy pointed out.
"Pepe?"
"Like, Le Pew? I don't think so."
Camille let out a noise of frustration. "Okay. Filipe?"
"Can't I just go with Phillip?"
"No." Camille shook her head adamantly. "The point is that he's sexy and foreign and mysterious."
"You're aware he's fictional, right?"
Camille waved that away. "Philip sounds like just some dude, someone's cousin who's staying at the Palm Woods while he sees the tacky tourist sights for a weekend. You'd never hook up with a Philip. Filipe, on the other hand, is a sexy French up and coming actor who's looking to break into English language films. And you are going to be his guide to the city."
"Okay, but again," Kendall said, "how am I supposed to convince anyone at all I'm showing around someone who doesn't exist ?"
Camille gave him one of those looks, and Kendall winced even before she threw out her arms, posing dramatically, and declared, "By acting!"
Yeah, he probably should have seen that coming.
--
The first step to dating a guy who didn't exist was to go on dates that weren't real, so Kendall stepped out of the Palm Woods and treated himself to a solo dinner. He sat around at a fast food place for an hour and a half, beating his high score on half the games on his phone, before heading home. But he paused to spritz on a tiny dab of cologne, which Camille had smuggled to him. He wanted to smell like fancy European guy, not like greasy chicken fingers.
James was still out when he got home, which he pretended not to notice. "How was your date?" Carlos asked.
"Great," Kendall said.
"Despite the language barrier?" Logan asked.
"Didn't do much talking." Kendall raised his eyebrows, smirking.
--
Kendall heard the rumors swirling around him at the pool and in the lobby the next day. Everyone was talking about the hot new French guy, Filipe, who'd just moved in, and how he was allegedly dating Kendall Knight. Someone heard from someone who'd heard from someone that they'd been making out in the park. Camille and Lucy had been hard at work, apparently.
It took three days (including another fake date) before James crossed his arms over his chest and demanded, "So do we ever going to meet this Filipe guy?"
"Yeah, I've never even seen him," Carlos said.
"Oh. Well," Kedall improvised. "His schedule's weird. He's still got jetlag. Totally jetlagged. And busy with his movie. But you'll probably see him around. I mean, he and I are kind of doing this thing, so obviously he's going to be around. Duh."
James exchanged looks with Carlos and Logan, but finally said, "Okie dokie."
--
The buzz only lasted so long. Then suddenly everyone was talking about James and Suzanne hooking up in one of the cabanas. Guitar Dude swore he'd seen them. Then again, he was pretty stoned, so who the hell knew if he'd really seen anything?
Of course, James didn't deny it, just smirked.
This required drastic measures.
--
"This is weird," Kendall said, sitting on Lucy's couch, holding perfectly still.
"Well, it's me or the vacuum cleaner, so suck it up," Lucy answered.
"Oooh, nice pun," Camille put in.
Kendall narrowed his eyes at her. "You should not be getting off on watching your girlfriend do this to me."
"I'm not." Camille smiled cheerily. "I'm actually just laughing at you."
Lucy scowled. "This isn't exactly fun for me either."
"Funny, coming from the girl who once insisted we make everyone think we were having sex."
Lucy smacked the back of his head, then gripped it, tilting it to the side so she could get better access to his neck. Kendall did everything he could not to laugh, because with someone else it might have been hot, but this was honestly the weirdest thing that had ever happened to him.
--
"Nice hickey," Carlos said, and let out a long whistle.
Kendall brought a hand up to his neck, rubbing it self-consciously. "It's not... it... uh, whatever."
"Wow," Logan said.
James didn't say anything, just frowned.
--
The next day, Kendall and his fake Frenchman had the buzz again. Which was definitely good, exactly what was supposed to happen, except Kendall couldn't help but wonder how long he could keep this up. Lucy and Camille both were great at pretending they'd just seen Filipe getting on the elevator or leaving the pool or whatever, but surely sooner or later, someone would realize that no one named Filipe lived at the Palm Woods.
--
Kendall came back from his next fake date to find James digging into pie, Carlos and Logan on either side of him, patting his back. "Everything okay here?" Kendall asked.
"If you hear any rumors that Suzanne dumped me, they aren't true," James moaned. "It was a, a, what did you call it?"
"Mutual decision," Logan said.
"Yeah, one of those." James' forehead thunked down onto his arm on the counter.
"Wait. Back up. What?" Kendall demanded.
James looked up and shot him a withering glare. "Suzanne and I mutually decided that we aren't going out again. Not that you care."
"Huh?"
"You weren't even here!" James snapped, then stood up and stormed off towards his bedroom.
Kendall blinked a few times. James had broken up with plenty of girls in his time, and he almost never got upset about it -- he almost never went out with them enough times for it to even count as breaking up, really. And he definitely hadn't been out with Suzanne more than once or twice. And he wasn't collapsing like he had when Blond Jennifer had dumped him.
So what, exactly, was he so upset about?
--
"No one named Filipe lives at the Palm Woods," Katie informed him, sitting down across the kitchen counter from him.
Kendall almost snarfed his orange juice. "Good morning, baby sister."
"What's the scam?"
"I have no idea what you're talking about."
She gave him an expression that was remarkably similar to his mother's unimpressed face. Eerie.
"What?" he asked innocently, and glanced around. Remarkably, none of the other guys were there; Logan was in the shower, Carlos had overslept, and James was stalking some one-day sale that had started at dawn, trying to get shopping done before they had to go to the studio.
"Your boyfriend doesn't exist," Katie said.
"My boyf -- how long have you -- I didn't tell you about -- Katie!" Kendall set his juice down so he couldn't accidentally spit it out again.
She shrugged. "Well, were you not going to tell me that you're gay?"
"Of course I was going to! But you're just a kid. I was trying to figure out how..."
"Seriously? You thought this would be a problem, or something you'd need to explain?" She didn't call him an idiot out loud, but Kendall heard it nonetheless. "Anyway, that's not the point. I keep hearing rumors about you and this Filipe guy, so I broke into Bitters' office to look through the rental contracts, and what do you know? No Filipe."
"Ummm." Kendall glanced around again, paranoid. Then, "How would you feel about helping out your big brother? Who you love? And not saying that too loudly?"
She gave him a considering look. "A hundred bucks."
"Twenty."
"Fifty."
"Fifty but you help me out with this whole... thing when I need you to."
Katie held out her hand. "Done. So what are we doing?"
"It's kind of a long story," Kendall said.
--
Kendall was walking into the lobby, minding his own business, when a hand came up to cover his mouth and someone tugged him into the supply closet. Camille. "What? What's happening?" he demanded.
"Did you hear? Suzanne dumped James yesterday!"
"It was mutual, James said," Kendall said.
"Well, of course that's what James would say. Anyway, it's not the point."
"Then why did you drag me in here?"
Camille grinned. "The point is why. Apparently, all James ever talked about was --"
"Himself, that's kind of his thing," Kendall filled in. Duh.
"Nooooo." Camille grabbed Kendall's hands and jumped up and down. "All James was talking about was you. Don't you get it? He's totally jealous!"
"He's... what?"
"Jealous," Camille repeated. "Because you've got a boyfriend"
"You really think so?"
"Yeah, I really do," Camille promised.
And Kendall may have been gay, but he was very manly, so he totally did not jump up and down with her. Much.
--
The next person to wonder about it was Logan, of course. Because Logan was observant and while he was kind of gullible in general, he wasn't stupid. So of course it was Logan who frowned that afternoon and asked, "What film exactly is Filipe working on?"
Katie jumped in. "Mission Improbable 7. The original cast is so old, this is a passing-the-torch flick. Now instead of just CIA they're going to be an international group of superspies. Obviously Filipe is the French heart throb."
"Ohhh," Logan said. "Huh. I didn't know they'd greenlighted any more Mission Improbables."
"You should read the trade papers," Katie advised him seriously.
Kendall mouthed thanks at her behind Logan's back.
--
The whole fake date thing was no longer a novelty. Not that Kendall didn't enjoy getting some time to himself, but since he wasn't really going on dates, he wasn't really interested in dropping a lot of money. So mostly he'd just been wandering, looking for things that were interesting and cheap. Mostly cheap. Which was how he found himself in the library. Logan would be so proud.
He wandered and finally found a travel guide to France. It wasn't actually very interesting, but he figured he'd better start brushing up on his random France trivia, since he and Filipe had been hooking up for a few weeks now.
Fake hooking up. Filipe may have had a total personality developed by this point (he was a little arrogant but usually sweet and well meaning, and okay, he was basically French James) and a thorough description (tall, blond, and curly-haired, with freckles but no dimples, and he dressed a little preppie but not Eurotrashy, at least), but he was still imaginary. Even though Kendall had heard other people at the Palm Woods discussing him, as if they'd seen him themselves.
Whatever. Point was, Filipe was learning English and he and Kendall were supposedly spending lots of time together, so Kendall should memorize some random France-related stuff to drop into conversation and make the whole thing seem realer. But it wasn't actually interesting. Yes, France was beautiful, but Kendall wasn't actually interested in spending his evening in the library.
He yawned. Maybe he should get some coffee or something. Or a soda. Something with caffeine, anyway. Except he didn't want to give up his seat in the library, since he'd scored one of the comfy chairs. And the library was free and he got great reception on his phone so he could just sit there and screw around.
He was a little sleepy, though.
A librarian saw him on his phone and gave him a dark look. When he got a text from Carlos a second later, she shhhed him. He mumbled, "Sorry," and replied to Carlos, but Carlos texted him again, and at the librarian's death glare, he put his phone on silent.
He yawned and flipped through the France book. Maybe Big Time Rush would get big enough to do an international tour. At least he'd know something about Paris if they went there.
A glance at the time showed he still had to kill a few hours. He really should get that soda. Did libraries have vending machines? Too bad he didn't have a hot French guy to get something for him.
He didn't mean to drift off. His head nodded a couple of times, he flipped the page, and the next thing he knew, a librarian was shaking him awake and telling him the library had actually been closed for an hour, and she just hadn't noticed him sleeping in the stacks.
He grabbed his phone to check the time: after midnight. But his curfew was 11. Damn it. He hurried out and grabbed a cab home, since it was too late for public transit to be reliable and safe (his mom lectured in his head) and he braced himself for the worst when he opened the door to 2J. But his mom wasn't up waiting, thankfully.
The guys were, though.
Kendall wished he'd thought to muss his hair or something, so at least it would look like he'd been up to something fun. "Where have you been?" Logan hissed, objectively quiet but loud in the near-silence of the apartment.
Kendall hurried over to the couch. "Out, duh."
"Duh." Carlos smacked the back of his head. "Your mom was flipping out. We covered for you, but you know how she gets when she's worried. And she was worried."
"Well, of course she was!" James snapped. "You're off with some French guy, who knows where, not answering your texts, who knows what you're doing? You could have been -- been kidnapped by international drug lords and used to smuggle illegal cheese and wine across the border or something!"
"Huh?" Kendall was the one who asked it, but they all turned to stare at James, who stood up, flustered.
"Well, I don't know! It's the French, who knows what weird things they do? With their, their rivieras and baguettes and who knows what else? And you didn't even answer my texts!"
James stormed out.
Kendall blinked a few times. "Did that make any sense to anyone?" he asked.
"He was worried," Logan said. "He did text you all night. We told him you were probably, you know, busy with Filipe and not stopping to check your phone. But he was convinced something was going on."
"He said some mean things about Europeans and body odor," Carlos added. "You could have let us know what was going on, though."
Kendall grabbed his phone and opened his texts. He had 34 unread: two from his mom, one from Logan, one from Carlos, and thirty from James. Thirty. Starting with the pretty innocuous (hey when u gon b home? bring ice cream plz?), but they just got weirder and angrier (hey tell france to stop blowing u under the table or whatever so u can text me back bro ) to desperate (ok ok just text me so i know ur not dead, u didnt say when ur comin home & ur mom is worried & logans trying to cover 4 u but HES LOGAN so text us soon cuz he cant lie for crap).
"Whoa," Kendall said.
"Is something going on with you two?" Logan asked.
"Why, did he say there was?" Kendall asked.
Logan and Carlos exchanged a weird look. "Kendall?" Carlos asked. "Why... why haven't you brought Filipe by to meet us? Are you worried James will... we want to meet him, dude. We'll make James behave."
"There's nothing going on between me and James," Kendall said, his throat going dry.
"You sure?" Logan asked. "Maybe you should talk to him. About, you know. Whatever."
"Yeah," Kendall agreed. "I'll... I'll do that."
--
Before he did that, Kendall showered, soaping up with his new Brooke Diamond For Men shower gel, grateful that the sample size label was too small for Brooke's face to appear on it. He really didn't need her watching him in the shower. Then he used the moisturizer stuff (which, okay, actually felt pretty good on his skin), changed into his pajamas, and walked down to James' and Carlos' room. He knocked on the door.
James made a hmph noise, which Kendall chose to interpret as come in. "Sorry I didn't text," Kendall said.
"You were getting laid, I get it," James snapped. "I wasn't trying to cockblock you, Jesus."
"I know! I just... um. Are you okay?"
"Yes."
"Okaaaay... So you're cool with me and Filipe?"
"Of course I am! Why wouldn't I be? I mean, just because I've never met the guy, so for all I know he's some kind of giant French creep who's actually a foreign spy in a terrorist ring or whatever, why wouldn't I like him?"
Kendall took a deep breath. "Filipe's not a terrorist."
"No, he just plays one in the movie, right? But I bet he's great at the role."
"He plays a spy, actually."
"Same difference. Whatever. Fine."
"Fine." Kendall paused. "I'm sorry I didn't text you. I... got distracted."
"Way to go," James said, his voice flat. "So proud of you, bro. Hey, I need some beauty sleep, so..."
"Yeah." Kendall reached for the doorknob. "Just, James, is there anything... anything you want to tell me?"
James stared at him for a really long moment. Then he just said, "I liked the way you used to dress."
"Huh?"
"When you dress like some Hollywood version of Kendall," he gestured at Kendall, even though he was wearing pajamas, "you act like some Hollywood asshole. That's all."
"You picked out my new clothes," Kendall pointed out. "You said I looked good. The whole point was for me to look good, so I could pick up a guy. So, what? Is there some reason, any reason, why I shouldn't be doing that?"
He stared at James, who stared back at him. He didn't move, barely breathed, waiting, hoping --
James just reached for an eyemask. "I said I need my beauty sleep. Good night."
"Yeah," Kendall said. "Night."
--
Kendall was actually feeling reasonably good about the whole thing. Something was clearly bothering James, and it sure as hell
sounded like Camille's theory was right and it was a raging case of jealousy. Which helped him figure out the rest of the plan: make James jealous so he knew he wanted Kendall, then give him an opportunity to make a move. Which would probably involve dumping poor Filipe.
Poor, fictional Filipe.
Except that it became really obvious, really early the next morning that things were not all good in 2J. Kendall's mom gave him her disappointed face as soon as he woke up (apparently whatever excuse the guys had come up with had been good enough to keep him out of trouble, but not good enough to keep her from being suspicious); Logan and Carlos kept whispering to each other and then shutting up suspiciously as soon as they saw Kendall; and James... James wasn't talking to him.
He was making comments like, "Someone tell Kendall to pass the salt, unless you have to say it in French to get his attention," though.
As they sat through Miss Collins' class, James wouldn't even look at him, even when they were assigned to be partners.
In the studio all day, James arranged it so he was standing as far away from Kendall as possible.
And when Kendall tried to ask if everything was okay (even though, obviously, it was not), James gave him the nastiest look he'd ever seen.
Which was when the guilt hit. That evening, he flounced down onto Lucy's couch. She sighed. "I will be really glad when this whole thing is over and you can go back to being normal. Or as normal as you ever get."
"I hate that he's mad at me."
"You sound like such a girl." Lucy crossed her arms.
Okay, Kendall suspected she was probably more mad because she and Camille had been making out on the couch before he'd appeared, but still. He could have used a little support. At least Camille turned to Kendall. "This is what was supposed to happen. Why are you so upset?"
"Because he's mad at me." Kendall groaned, dozens of images of James with his various girlfriends appearing unbidden in his brain. The thing was, he knew exactly how James felt. He knew how much it sucked, and it hurt, to go through that kind of jealousy. "I'm gonna break up with Filipe tonight."
"You know he's not real, right?" Lucy said.
"Are you sure?" Camille asked.
"Pretty sure," Lucy said. "I was in the room when you two invented him."
"Not you." She turned to Kendall. "You. Are you sure you want to do that? It seems like James is just teetering on the brink, now. You're close, so close, you just need to push him over the edge. Metaphorically."
"Why? Why can't I just end this now?"
"Because." Camille rolled her eyes. "He hasn't told you anything. He's being a jealous jerk, sure. But if you just give him what he wants -- break up with Filipe -- then what's his reason for taking the next step? He'll just back right off and go back to flirting with any new girls who move in."
Damn it. He probably would. Kendall sighed. "Okay. So what do I have to do to push him over the edge?"
"I have no idea," Camille said. "You tell me."
"What? You're the one who keeps coming up with these ridiculous plans! What... How... Come on, at least help me!"
Camille considered it, though Lucy was now running her hand up Camille's ribcage, so Kendall didn't think he'd have her attention for much longer at all. She got a little flustered but put a hand over Lucy's to pause it. "Okay, okay, think, Kendall," she instructed. "Back when you were the one doing all the jealous pining, was there ever anything, anything at all, that was so... so big, or whatever, you thought maybe you'd never be able to forgive James for it?"
"I don't want James to never forgive me."
"Duh. But keep in mind, you're not really dating anyone, so once he finds that out, it'll all be fine."
Kendall wasn't sure that logic was actually sound, but he leaned back on the couch, wracking his brain. Something James had done, something that had been the lowest blow, the worst thing he could remember...
He abruptly thought of Lauren and groaned. "Yeah, okay. I got it. But it's gonna take a few days."
"Yeah?" Lucy asked.
"Yeah," Kendall said. "It needs to be on a Friday."
--
He had three days to kill before Friday. Wednesday, he just hung out with the guys, bumming around the apartment and the pool, talking to James even though James wasn't talking to him. At least, not at first. Then, grudgingly, James started acknowledging him again, and just like Kendall knew would happen, by the end of the night the whole thing was, if not forgiven, irrelevant.
Kendall understood. He'd been in James' shoes enough times. As much as it had always ached when James ditched him for some girl, when James was actually around, it was so easy to forget the whole thing until it happened again. And it was definitely going to happen again. Kendall had a plan.
The really horrible part was that a tiny part of Kendall was actually enjoying this. He'd gone through years of jealousy, half a decade of frustration and irrational anger. James didn't deserve this, since it wasn't like he'd done anything wrong, but on some level Kendall couldn't help but enjoy evening the score a smidgen.
Thursday, as they all gathered their things to leave the studio, he said, "I'll catch you all tonight, okay? Late?"
"Date?" Carlos asked.
Kendall shrugged. "Something like that. Filipe's doing his big kissing scene today, he wanted me to be there to try to keep me from, you know, my usual jealous freak out."
"Did you warn him what happened you when and Jo tried that?" Logan asked with a wry raised eyebrow.
"I did," Kendall said, and added, "but I mean, it's not like he's making out with another guy. I think I can keep cool."
"Good luck," Logan said.
Kendall glanced at James, who was searching for something in his duffle bag, not looking up. He cleared his throat and added, "You guys mind covering for me again? Don't know when we'll be done, you know..."
Carlos said, "Sure --" but James snapped, "You have a curfew for a reason, you know!"
"Yeah, because my mom is paranoid," Kendall said.
"Or maybe she just doesn't trust creepy French crepe-eaters who obviously don't respect her enough to get her son home at a reasonable hour!"
"James," Logan murmured.
"He hasn't even come by to introduce himself." James stood up, grabbing his bag's straps with both hands, his knuckles white. "So I'm just gonna come out and say it, I think he's a giant jerk. If he weren't, you'd have introduced him by now. But you know we won't like him so you're hiding him, and we're not supposed to date people our friends hate, Kendall!"
"You don't hate him," Carlos jumped in. "You haven't met him, and I'm sure his schedule is just too busy because of filming and as soon as it calms down, Kendall will bring him over so we can meet him. Right, Kendall?"
Carlos stared at him hopefully and Kendall's guilt crept back in. Carlos was kind of collateral damage, here. He didn't feel the way Kendall did about James, but he'd been ditched just as often, and it must have hurt just as much. Carlos' heart was forever on his sleeve and hurting him was like kicking a puppy.
So Kendall nodded. "Sure, yeah. As soon as his schedule's a little saner. He's looking forward to it, actually, I talk about you guys all the time."
Carlos grinned and James looked a little mollified. And Logan suggested, "You think he'll be free at all tomorrow evening? He could come by for fishsticks. We'll all be there."
Kendall could have done it then, but the words froze in his throat and he couldn't force them out. He shook his head a little. "I don't think... don't think he can make it."
"Too good for fishsticks?" James muttered.
"No! Just. He." Okay, so he was going to have to do it now after all. Bracing himself, he said, "We actually have plans tomorrow. So, uh, neither of us is gonna be able to make it."
He tried to ignore the sadness on Carlos' face and the puzzlement on Logan's and just focus on James, whose eyes narrowed.
"Are you serious?" he demanded.
"What? It's just once, no big deal," Kendall said, a line he'd heard from James at least a dozen times.
"You've been out more than home this week!" James yelled. "You're going to be out late tonight, and tomorrow, and then what? When are we ever going to hang out?"
Kendall somehow doubted James was altruistic enough for that 'we' to mean all four of them. That was stupidly familiar, too, from all the times he'd spoken on behalf of Carlos and Logan when what he really wanted was to have James to himself. To be the most important one in James' life, to have James want him back for once.
So he wasn't lying and or faking or exaggerating his bitterness when he said, "Funny, coming from you. How many times have you ditched --"
"That's different."
"Why?"
"Because you're you," James snapped. "You're the one who's obsessed with codes and loyalty and not turning your back on your friends, so you're not allowed to ditch us! Not for some guy you just met, Kendall!"
"Are you kidding me?" Kendall demanded. "So what, it's totally okay for you to do it? To just leave everyone else sitting around while you go out, but when it's anyone else --"
"It's not anyone else. It's you. And fuck you, by the way." One hand still clutching the strap of his bag, James shouldered past him.
Carlos hesitated, first staring after James, then looking over at Kendall. Kendall winced under his big, sad eyes, but he couldn't really explain, and when he didn't offer anything, Carlos followed James.
Kendall grabbed his bag, but before he could leave, Logan took his arm and pushed him around so they were looking at each other. "So nothing's going on with you and James, huh?"
"Obviously not."
"Oh believe me, that's not what's obvious." Logan shook his head. "If nothing's going on, why are you being such a jerk? Just for some guy?"
"I'm not --"
"You are, and you know it. You were never like this with Jo." Logan frowned.
Kendall looked away from him. "This isn't like with Jo. I can't explain, but it's... it's not."
"So is he worth it?"
Right. Moments like these were why Kendall hated lying. So he didn't. He didn't say anything at all.
Logan snorted and started for the door. "Nothing going on with James, my ass."
--
Kendall spent the evening in the library again, staring into space and feeling a little sick to his stomach. This was stupid. It had always been stupid, but it was really stupid now. James was a hypocrite, yeah, but he also had a point. Kendall didn't do this. He didn't turn his back on his friends, and the fact that he had enjoyed hurting James a little bit, that was pretty much the worst thing he'd ever done. Hurting Logan and Carlos too? That pretty much made him the worst person of all time.
He was a terrible person.
He needed to come clean, absolutely needed to.
Except that when he got home, ready to give up and confess everything, he found James and Suzanne on the couch, apparently deciding to give it another go. They were going at something, anyway, with his hand up her shirt and her skirt riding up her hips and --
"You could at least do that in your room," Kendall snapped. "Let Carlos and Logan have the living room."
Suzanne let out an embarrassed squeak, and James murmured something in her ear, pinning her to the couch. Her squeak turned into a giggle and James didn't even acknowledge Kendall's presence.
He'd apologize to the other guys later. Rage crowded out the guilt, the same ancient jealousy that had been haunting him for years.
--
"How was Suzanne?" Kendall sniped over breakfast.
"Go to hell," James answered.
Carlos cleared his throat. "Are you two back together?"
James looked over at Carlos, then shook his head. "It was just a hookup. Relationships turn people into dicks."
"How would you know? You've never even been in one," Kendall muttered.
"Lauren," James snapped.
"Like she counts."
"At least she spoke English. And I'm not talking to you."
"You just did," Carlos said.
And that was breakfast.
--
Kendall and James were still project partners in class. Their project consisted mostly of them having a glare-off and in the end they turned in in a blank sheet. Miss Collins was not impressed, and Logan just rolled his eyes at them.
That was school.
--
James shoved Kendall in the middle of dance rehearsal, as soon as Mr. X's back was turned. Kendall responded by stomping on James' foot.
"Seriously, you guys?" Carlos asked.
And that was rehearsal.
--
Kendall showered and actually did his hair the way James had showed him to, then pulled on one of the outfits James had made him buy. Judging by James' reactions back on their shopping trip, this was actually one of his favorites. It brought out his eyes or something, James had said.
Adrenaline flooded his system as he finished getting ready for a date he knew full well wasn't going to happen. One way or another, he was going to end this. It was affecting the band, it was upsetting the guys, and he wasn't a total asshole. His guys being happy was more important, and that included James. Even though James would doubtlessly be pissed as hell about this whole thing. Not to mention that whether it worked or not, James would never let Kendall live it down. But it was too late to back out now. It had been since he'd let Camille talk him into this.
So Kendall marched into the living room and stood directly between James and the television, which forced him (and Carlos and Logan, for that matter) to stare at him. "So do I look good?" he asked. "For my date?"
Logan shut his eyes and sank back on the couch, shaking his head. Carlos stared down at the ground, frowning. But James' gaze swept over him.
"You look like a tool," James said.
"You're the one who picked all this out." Kendall gestured at himself. "You told me it looked hot."
"I lied."
"No, you didn't. Filipe likes it."
"Then why are you asking my opinion?" James asked, teeth gritted.
Kendall played dirty: he used some truth. "Because this is your area of expertise. You're gorgeous."
James looked away, almost flinching, and it was all Kendall could do not to start doing a victory dance. Obviously James had been jealous, but friends got jealous when they were ditched. That was normal.
But James never didn't want to hear about how gorgeous he was. For him to resist that meant he actually felt something.
"James," Kendall said.
"What?"
"I'm going to go out. On a date. Tonight. Fishstick Friday." He did his best to keep the smirk off his face, but he wanted this so badly.
"So go --"
"Unless," Kendall said, "you've got a reason why I shouldn't."
"Kendall --"
"Do you?" Kendall asked. "Do you have a reason why I shouldn't go?"
James stared at him, then shut his eyes like he was trying to hide from something. He shook his head, silent and wordless, looking pained.
"Liar," Kendall half-laughed, which he knew was just baiting James.
He was right: James' eyes flew back open and he was on his feet in a moment. Kendall smirked. James didn't do selfless well, but confrontation, that he was good at. They were both good at it, especially with each other.
"Liar?" James yelled, getting in Kendall's face. "What the hell am I lying about? You're being such a douchebag. I don't want to talk to you. Get the hell out so the rest of us can have fun."
"You are a liar and you know it!" Kendall shot back. "It doesn't matter what you say, you don't want me to go. And it pisses you off that I could. It pisses you off that I could just walk out the door --"
"Then why don't you?"
"You tell me, James. Why don't I?"
James opened his mouth to answer, but no words came out. He and Kendall were standing way too close, both tense, but almost nose to nose and eye to eye -- James was a tiny bit taller, but they were close enough that Kendall could see it in his eyes, see what he wanted to do. Kendall wanted to scream at him not to hold back, to just fucking do it --
But James didn't. He froze. Kendall could have cursed, sworn at him, screamed profanities, but it wouldn't make a bit of difference, he realized suddenly. His plan had worked too well: James thought he had boyfriend, and after everything that had happened with Camille and Logan, there was no way James would make that mistake again. It didn't matter how much he wanted Kendall, he wasn't going to do a damn thing about it.
So Kendall did it. Heart racing, pulse echoing in his ears, adrenaline turning his brain electric and narrowing his world to snap decisions, he just did it. He closed the space between them, pressed his lips to James'.
James grabbed his shoulders, yanking him closer, kissing him hard and furious. It wasn't the insistent, suave kiss from Lucy's couch, it was angry and sharp and desperate. And it only lasted a second.
Then James shoved him away and snarled, "Fuck you! You can't just do this to me!"
"But you wanted me to."
"So what if I did?" James answered, turning away, arms crossed. "What about Filipe? Isn't he waiting? How do you say I kissed someone else in French?"
"No idea," Kendall said.
"You should look it up."
"No. I should look up Filipe doesn't exist and I don't have a boyfriend. But you don't speak French, so it wouldn't matter."
"What?" James asked.
And behind them, Logan -- who Kendall had almost forgotten existed -- crowed, "I knew it! I freaking knew it. Pay up, Carlitos."
James spun around to stare at Logan, which was just as well, since Kendall was gaping at him, too. Sure enough, Carlos groaned and dug out his wallet, pulled a grungy bill from it, and tossed it at Logan.
"How did you know?" Kendall asked, as James demanded, "What is going on?"
"That's why we haven't met Filipe. He's Kendall's imaginary friend," Logan said, smirking. "It took me awhile, but I knew something was fishy when we never met him, never even saw him. Everyone else seemed to, but the more I asked, the more I found out everyone who said they saw him was actually saying a friend of a friend saw him, and that friend of a friend was always Camille or Lucy. Carlos didn't think you could pull that off, but," he waved the bill triumphantly, "I knew it."
"Then were have you been going?" Carlos asked. "What have you even been doing?"
"Yeah," James demanded, spinning back around to face Kendall. "What the hell have you been doing?"
Kendall shrugged awkwardly. "Just... hanging out. Mostly alone, you know."
"You had a hickey!" Carlos yelped.
"Yeaaaah, uh, from Lucy. Camille sat there and laughed at us, but it was mostly all her idea, actually."
"You are such a fucking liar douchebag," James said, shaking his head. "What the hell were you -- why would you even -- what is wrong with you?"
Kendall almost laughed. "Well, for a long time I thought everything was. I thought being gay was. I thought a lot of really stupid shit."
"So to deal with your internalized homophobia, you made up a boyfriend?" Logan asked.
Kendall didn't bother asking what that even meant. "No. Okay. Um, I'm going to sit down now." Which he did. So did James, but on the other section of the couch. Facing him, but not near him. "So, uh. The what's wrong with me thing? Is jealousy. It's always been jealousy."
He could actually see Logan get it, which was hilarious. Carlos and James didn't yet, but Logan's eyes went wide as everything fell into place for him.
"What are you talking about?" James demanded.
"Remember Lauren?" Kendall said. "Remember how much I hated her? For no reason? Yeah."
"What?" Carlos asked, then suddenly, "Oh. Oh. Whoa, Kendall."
But James just shook his head. "What are you talking about? She was possessive, and I had hockey stuff --"
"And I hated her," Kendall said. "Because she was with you. You know how you were joking about turning me gay?"
"Yeah..."
"You didn't. But..." Kendall felt his cheeks heating up. "You might have, uh, helped. A little."
"I might have... I might have... You... Lauren was..." James' jaw dropped open and he stared at Kendall. Flat out, open mouthed, wide eyed stared.
"I was never going to do... I had it under control. And I had Jo, and it was all fine, and... and then you said you kissed boys, and it kind of made me lose my mind."
"I'll say," Logan snorted.
James actually let out a short peal of laughter. "You're kidding me. This is all because Jared kissed me at a cast party?"
"No. Yes. I don't -- you kissed me!" Kendall said, and yeah, this was exactly as humiliating as he'd always dreaded. Except he could still taste James on his lips. "And yes, I lost my mind, and then Camille put weird goo on my face, and the way you looked at me when we were shopping, but you were still going out with random girls so I invented a boy and you kissed me back , god damn it. Stop smirking, you kissed me back."
"You were tying to make me jealous," James realized.
"Trying?" Kendall repeated. "I think I was pretty freaking successful."
"Because you want me. You've wanted me since ninth grade!"
Kendall crossed his arms over his chest, sinking down into the couch. "More like seventh, if we're being technical."
"I totally turned you gay!" James crowed.
"I don't even know why I like you. You're a jerk."
James' laughter got brighter, louder, happier. "You know it was no big deal," he said. "When Jared kissed me. I didn't know about Logan's scale thingy --"
"Technically it's Alfred Kinsey's scale," Logan interrupted.
"Whatever. I don't know, I'm somewhere on it, like, middle-ish, I guess? But I never thought you were. I never thought about you that way at all."
"Hell. This is hell."
"Deserved," Carlos said, slapping the back of his head. "For ditching us for your imaginary friend. That was not cool."
"I didn't mean to -- I really am sorry," Kendall said. "But it seemed like a good idea at the time."
James just shook his head a little. "You could have told me."
"No, I couldn't have."
"You should have," James insisted. "After that night at Lucy's, I -- I'd never thought of you that way. Kissing you was just a stupid dare."
Kendall wanted to bury his head in his hands but he managed not to. Because if James didn't think of him that way, and it really had been nothing more than a dare to him, hadn't meant anything, hadn't changed anything...
"But then you had to come out." James crossed his arms, huffy. "And all I could think about was your stupid mouth, and then you were all hot. You fight dirty, Knight. Making me make you all hot and then flaunting it."
Kendall blinked a few times, then let himself smile just a little bit. More of a smirk, really. "So how much did you hate Filipe?"
"Shut up." James jutted his chin up. "Shut up and get over here."
"You get over here," Kendall said.
"Uh, no. You're the one who's been lying and being a dick," James said, and pointed at the cushion next to him. "And you're the one who's wanted me forever. So are you going to come get me or what?"
Kendall's smirk faded a little bit, as he saw all three of them staring at him. Not angry anymore, not even hurt. Just amused. Especially James, who could not possibly be more smug. It kind of made him want to punch James a little. But kiss him more.
So he stood up, stalked over, and threw himself down on the other end of the couch. "I love winning," James said.
"Yeah, sure, you win," Kendall said. "But if I lose, then how come I get to do this?" He grabbed James' shoulder, shoved him back against the couch, twisted around, and kissed him. James actually moaned a little bit, his back arching up towards Kendall, hand reaching up to grab Kendall's hair, messing it up, pulling him closer.
Kendall could have kept it up forever, if not for the sarcastic applause from the couch. He fell back onto the cushion next to James, but James' arm was still around him, warm and comfortable, like it belonged there. Like it always had belonged there.
"Well, that's just adorable," Carlos said. "But I want some freaking fishsticks. Logan?"
"Yeah, definitely," Logan said, standing up. "How about you and me make them tonight?"
"We could do that," Carlos agreed.
Logan turned to Kendall and James. "You get fifteen minutes to make out. Then it's fishsticks. And video games."
"And swirly slide time," Carlos put in.
"Yeah," Logan said. "Fifteen. I'm timing it." Then he grabbed Carlos' arm and pulled him into the kitchen as they both laughed. Kendall watched them go, smiling broadly. He wasn't sure he deserved such instant forgiveness or support, but he should have known he'd get it anyway, just like he'd have given it to either of them. Them, and James.
His team.
James looked at Kendall. "I think you should tell me more about how you've always wanted me."
"Shut up," Kendall laughed.
"Shut me up," James challenged.
Kendall laughed and leaned in towards him. "Shut you up, huh? Yeah. I can definitely do that."
And he did.
Kendall really had always been awesome at plans.
End.
Part One
Part Two
Part Three
Part Four
Part Five
Part Six
Part Seven
"Okay. Here's the plan," Camille said, pacing the length of Lucy's apartment. "The big thing is, we need to hot you up."
"What?" Kendall looked down at himself. "I'm plenty hot!"
Camille and Lucy exchanged a look that plainly said isn't he cute? and Kendall sulked.
"I'm hot enough that Lucy went out with me," he said, scowling and crossing his arms.
"Fake went out with you," Lucy reminded him.
"And then fake had sex with me," Kendall shot back. "You think I'm hot enough for everyone to think you're hooking up with."
"No, I just thought you were mildly less crazy than everyone else around here. Not sure I was right on that one."
"Hey!"
Camille stopped pacing and waved their conversation away. "You look fine, Kendall, in a gangly, small town, boy next door way. James, however, looks hot in a sophisticated, son of a makeup magnate, could be a spokesmodel kind of way."
"Does Logan know you think that?" Kendall asked, then, amused, "Does Lucy?"
"I'm not that easily threatened," Lucy said. "Besides, I think I could take James in a fight."
Kendall considered. James was tall and broad and a hockey player, but he probably wouldn't hit a girl. Kendall doubted Lucy would have any scruples about fighting dirty. Yeah, she probably could, when it came down to it.
"You are adorable," Camille informed her, beaming. "Fighting for my honor. I love it. But luckily for James, it's not necessary."
Kendall chuckled. "Okay, so --"
"So," Camille interrupted, "if we're going to convince James that you're suddenly interested in being a hotass, we'll need to do some work on our own first. How do you feel about manscaping?"
--
Kendall, it turned out, did not feel good about manscaping. That did not keep Lucy from sitting on him to hold him down while Camille attacked his face and body with all kinds of waxes and gooey potions and weird textured rock thingies and he had no idea what else.
All he knew was that when he walked into 2J hours later, Carlos letting out a whistle and declaring, "What happened to your face?" was not exactly the reaction he was going for.
Carlos and James were playing some video game on the couch, while Logan had a mess of text books and papers spread across the kitchen counter. James and Logan both looked up at him, too. Surprise was obvious on Logan's face, entertainment on Carlos', and James' eyes lit up.
"Nothing happened to my face!"
James bounced up to his feet. "Lies," he accused, walking up to Kendall. He paused, leaning in, almost nose to nose. It was weird and if he were about two inches closer they'd be kissing --
But he pulled back and said, "Deep cleanse, exfoliation, eyebrow waxing, some kind of mask. A good one, too."
Kendall managed, "Oh, so that's what they did to me. I gave up asking. There was something green and it smelled like salad, I don't even know."
James laughed. "Your skin is glowing. That's amazing. It's like you've never even washed your face before or something."
"I wash my face!"
"Let me guess, you use the same bar soap you do for the shower?" James shook his head. "I'll call my mom, have her send you a sampler of her men's line. You'll love it."
"I don't think I will," Kendall said skeptically, then, a little offended, "Why aren't you pushing Cuda on me?"
James' voice went low and husky. "You aren't ready for Cuda." Then it brightened. "Your skin does look great, though. So you've decided to actually care about that stuff now that you're gay?"
"Something like that." Kendall paused. "And I've always been gay."
"Since you kissed me." James made his way back to the couch and picked up his controller.
"Since forever," Kendall repeated.
"James, don't tease him," Logan lectured, tapping his pen against his homework. "It wasn't easy for him to tell us."
"Whatever, Mom," James answered, hitting a button on his controller. The noises of the game came back up.
Logan scowled and chucked his pen at James' head. James yelped and dropped his controller. As he turned around to yell at Logan, Carlos yelled, "Ha!" and there was the sound of violent death. James yelped again, apparently not sure which one of them he wanted to deal with more, and finally he settled back onto the couch, informed Carlos that that game didn't count, and started a new one.
Kendall shrugged and wandered to his room. He had no idea if that had gone well or gone badly or what, but at least James had noticed.
--
Kendall waited for James to approach him with, sure enough, a basket full of weird bottles of soap and hair gel and he had no idea what else. "You see these things?" James asked.
Kendall nodded.
"Good. Use them. Actually, you'll have to use them, because I threw out everything else you had in the bathroom except your toothbrush."
"Hey!"
James grinned. "Don't say I never did anything for you."
Kendall rolled his eyes and examined some of the tiny bottles. "I don't even know what these are."
James pointed. "Shampoo, conditioner, body wash, facial soap, moisturizer, aftershave, hair gel. Don't be afraid, I'll show you how to use them."
Kendall gave him a hearty shove. "I'm not incompetent, you know."
"You are about things like this," James said.
Which was as good an opening as he was likely to get. Kendall wasn't much of an actor, but Camille had coached him. So he said, "Um, yeah. About... about things like this?"
"Hmm?" James eyes lit up a little. He looked interested. Which was good. Terrifying, but good.
"I, well. Camille and Lucy were making fun of me before that whole... thing they did to my face. The whole thing came up because, uh. You know. I don't. I've never. You know."
"Actually, I have no idea."
If Kendall sounded like he wanted to die, it was because he felt like he wanted to die. "Camille says I need to dress better if I'm going to pick up a guy ever. Something about higher standards of grooming and I don't know, it all sounded like stereotypes because that's not me," which was true, really, "but then again I've never actually been out with a guy so what the hell do I know, and anyway, do you want to go shopping?"
James stared at him. "You? Want to go shopping? You hate shopping."
"Yes, I do," Kendall agreed. It was true; really, he only bothered shopping at all because it was either that or let his mother buy all his clothes for him, and as much as he loved her, that wasn't going to happen. James, on the other hand, loved shopping. "But I also wouldn't mind, you know, looking like whatever. And this is kind of your area of expertise. So."
"You want me to take you shopping," James repeated. "You know, you always dream about moments like these, but you never think they'll really happen. You have so much to learn, young Padawan, let me be your Jedi Master. You won't regret it."
"I already do," Kendall said.
--
Their first stop was pants. James moved through the store like a natural disaster, leaving racks decimated behind them, tugging Kendall along by his collar. Kendall went from optimistic about the whole thing to entertained by it to terrified when James forcibly shoved him into a dressing room.
And he was in no way prepared for it when James circled him, eyes glued to Kendall's hips and butt and package. But James shook his head. "Too loose through here." He put a hand on Kendall's hip. It was hot through the jeans, but James just used it to gather the denim and show how much extra there was. "Wow. You have no hips and no ass. That's kind of remarkable."
"Shut up." Kendall shoved James away from him.
James laughed and threw another pair of pants at him. "Try these."
So Kendall did. And this time James circled him like a wild animal circling prey, then declared, "Yes. These."
"These?"
James pushed Kendall towards a full length mirror. "See? See how these hit here," he put his hand on Kendall's hip again, "and they make it look like you do have an ass, see?" He smacked it playfully and Kendall turned red and punched his arm.
"They're not perfect," James continued. "We'll have to get them tailored, that's the real key to making anything look good, but they're a better base to start from. Oh man, you are going to be so hot."
Face still stupidly red, Kendall said, "Promise?"
--
It took six hours. Six. Kendall was pretty sure shopping was his idea of hell, and as much as he loved James he spent at least five of those hours wanting to strangle him or stab him or mutilate him in some way. He put Kendall in outfits that looked ridiculous, then laughed and took pictures with his phone. He also laughed at Kendall's gangly limbs and how uncomfortable he was in basically anything that wasn't flannel or a t-shirt.
But then again, there were a few glorious minutes mixed in with those excruciating hours, when James would look at him with an expression that was almost... hungry, really. And there were plenty of times James would just invite himself into Kendall's personal space bubble, straightening clothes or adjusting seams, buttoning or unbuttoning shirts, with exactly zero sense of personal boundaries. Aside from the pants James had forced him into, there were a bunch of shirts, which James had gone on and on about fit and sleeve length and Kendall didn't know what else, but James had been really enthusiastic about it. He'd even let Kendall get two whole plaid shirts (not flannel, but plaid), since they were cut well or something.
Finally, finally, they'd been to every store James could think of. They'd racked up tons of purchases (all put on the Rocque Records cards -- hey, Kendall looking good would make the band look good) and Kendall was exhausted and grumpy and completely convinced that the whole idea had been idiotic. He was pretty sure he looked good in the clothes but he also felt weird about changing how he dressed to impress some guy. Even if the guy was James. And it wasn't like James had said or done anything that really meant anything. He loved shopping and fashion, so making Kendall look good had probably been a matter of pride, not anything else.
At least, that was what he thought until James gave him a lingering look right before heading into his bedroom and said, "Do yourself a favor. Don't ever wear," he gestured at Kendall's body, "any of that again. The stuff we got you today? You'll look hot. You'll have to beat the boys off."
There was a long pause. Kendall raised his eyebrows.
"Bad word choice," James admitted. "But then again, that's further than you've ever gone with a dude, so would it be such a bad thing?"
He slammed the door to his room before Kendall could yell a retort, and laughter drifted back from behind it.
--
Kendall wore entirely James-approved outfits for the next three days and waited for something to happen. Anything. Because the whole point was that James had picked out the clothes, James had declared they made Kendall look hot... so James must have found Kendall hot in them, right?
It was a good theory. Logical. Scientifically sound. Kendall was sure that if he ran it by Logan, Logan would agree -- not that he was going to do that, but still.
But apparently it had a flaw somewhere, because James grinned at the group on the third day and announced, "You know Suzanne, that new girl?"
"The really hot one with the crazy blue eyes?" Carlos asked.
"Yup." James ran his lucky comb through his hair. "We're going out tonight."
As Carlos and Logan congratulated James, something in Kendall snapped a little bit. Without even realizing what he was doing he said, "Yeah, cool. I have a date too, actually."
All three of them turned to stare at him. "Awesome," Logan said. "With who?"
With who? Right. Kendall should have seen that coming. He improvised, "You know. Uh. A new guy."
"I didn't know there were any new guys lately," James said. "Who is he?"
"Um, you wouldn't have seen him. He's, uh, in a movie. He's usually on set," Kendall said. Then, just to make sure they didn't get too nosy, he added, "And he only speaks French so he hasn't really introduced himself to anyone."
"You don't speak French," Logan said.
Damn it. Right. He didn't. Everyone stared, so he said, "Yeah, I know, I didn't know he didn't speak English so I introduced myself and, um, actions speak louder than words or something. He went to do that cheek kiss thing that Europeans do, you know, whatever, but uh, he missed and we kind of real kissed? And anyway we managed to work out the date thing. So. Yeah. Date. With a French guy."
"Cool," James said. "Well. Have fun."
--
"A French guy?" Lucy demanded.
Kendall let out a satisfying nnnnaaargh noise and collapsed on her couch. "Yes. I have a fake date with a non-existent French guy."
"Does he have a name?" Camille asked.
"He's not real!"
Camille waved that away easily. "Yes, and he needs a name. It's one of the important pieces of building a character. We'll need to decide what he looks like, what his hobbies are, what he's doing in Hollywood... This is going to be fun. This could work!"
"What could work?" Kendall groaned.
Camille waggled her eyebrows. "We're going to get you into a hot and heavy relationship. And watch to see if His Tallness reacts."
"That sounds like a terrible idea."
"You have a better one?" Lucy asked.
Kendall groaned into the couch cushion. "No."
"Great. Now let's get to work. Pierre?" Camille suggested.
"Soundslike a fake name for a French guy."
"That's what it is," Lucy pointed out.
"Pepe?"
"Like, Le Pew? I don't think so."
Camille let out a noise of frustration. "Okay. Filipe?"
"Can't I just go with Phillip?"
"No." Camille shook her head adamantly. "The point is that he's sexy and foreign and mysterious."
"You're aware he's fictional, right?"
Camille waved that away. "Philip sounds like just some dude, someone's cousin who's staying at the Palm Woods while he sees the tacky tourist sights for a weekend. You'd never hook up with a Philip. Filipe, on the other hand, is a sexy French up and coming actor who's looking to break into English language films. And you are going to be his guide to the city."
"Okay, but again," Kendall said, "how am I supposed to convince anyone at all I'm showing around someone who doesn't exist ?"
Camille gave him one of those looks, and Kendall winced even before she threw out her arms, posing dramatically, and declared, "By acting!"
Yeah, he probably should have seen that coming.
--
The first step to dating a guy who didn't exist was to go on dates that weren't real, so Kendall stepped out of the Palm Woods and treated himself to a solo dinner. He sat around at a fast food place for an hour and a half, beating his high score on half the games on his phone, before heading home. But he paused to spritz on a tiny dab of cologne, which Camille had smuggled to him. He wanted to smell like fancy European guy, not like greasy chicken fingers.
James was still out when he got home, which he pretended not to notice. "How was your date?" Carlos asked.
"Great," Kendall said.
"Despite the language barrier?" Logan asked.
"Didn't do much talking." Kendall raised his eyebrows, smirking.
--
Kendall heard the rumors swirling around him at the pool and in the lobby the next day. Everyone was talking about the hot new French guy, Filipe, who'd just moved in, and how he was allegedly dating Kendall Knight. Someone heard from someone who'd heard from someone that they'd been making out in the park. Camille and Lucy had been hard at work, apparently.
It took three days (including another fake date) before James crossed his arms over his chest and demanded, "So do we ever going to meet this Filipe guy?"
"Yeah, I've never even seen him," Carlos said.
"Oh. Well," Kedall improvised. "His schedule's weird. He's still got jetlag. Totally jetlagged. And busy with his movie. But you'll probably see him around. I mean, he and I are kind of doing this thing, so obviously he's going to be around. Duh."
James exchanged looks with Carlos and Logan, but finally said, "Okie dokie."
--
The buzz only lasted so long. Then suddenly everyone was talking about James and Suzanne hooking up in one of the cabanas. Guitar Dude swore he'd seen them. Then again, he was pretty stoned, so who the hell knew if he'd really seen anything?
Of course, James didn't deny it, just smirked.
This required drastic measures.
--
"This is weird," Kendall said, sitting on Lucy's couch, holding perfectly still.
"Well, it's me or the vacuum cleaner, so suck it up," Lucy answered.
"Oooh, nice pun," Camille put in.
Kendall narrowed his eyes at her. "You should not be getting off on watching your girlfriend do this to me."
"I'm not." Camille smiled cheerily. "I'm actually just laughing at you."
Lucy scowled. "This isn't exactly fun for me either."
"Funny, coming from the girl who once insisted we make everyone think we were having sex."
Lucy smacked the back of his head, then gripped it, tilting it to the side so she could get better access to his neck. Kendall did everything he could not to laugh, because with someone else it might have been hot, but this was honestly the weirdest thing that had ever happened to him.
--
"Nice hickey," Carlos said, and let out a long whistle.
Kendall brought a hand up to his neck, rubbing it self-consciously. "It's not... it... uh, whatever."
"Wow," Logan said.
James didn't say anything, just frowned.
--
The next day, Kendall and his fake Frenchman had the buzz again. Which was definitely good, exactly what was supposed to happen, except Kendall couldn't help but wonder how long he could keep this up. Lucy and Camille both were great at pretending they'd just seen Filipe getting on the elevator or leaving the pool or whatever, but surely sooner or later, someone would realize that no one named Filipe lived at the Palm Woods.
--
Kendall came back from his next fake date to find James digging into pie, Carlos and Logan on either side of him, patting his back. "Everything okay here?" Kendall asked.
"If you hear any rumors that Suzanne dumped me, they aren't true," James moaned. "It was a, a, what did you call it?"
"Mutual decision," Logan said.
"Yeah, one of those." James' forehead thunked down onto his arm on the counter.
"Wait. Back up. What?" Kendall demanded.
James looked up and shot him a withering glare. "Suzanne and I mutually decided that we aren't going out again. Not that you care."
"Huh?"
"You weren't even here!" James snapped, then stood up and stormed off towards his bedroom.
Kendall blinked a few times. James had broken up with plenty of girls in his time, and he almost never got upset about it -- he almost never went out with them enough times for it to even count as breaking up, really. And he definitely hadn't been out with Suzanne more than once or twice. And he wasn't collapsing like he had when Blond Jennifer had dumped him.
So what, exactly, was he so upset about?
--
"No one named Filipe lives at the Palm Woods," Katie informed him, sitting down across the kitchen counter from him.
Kendall almost snarfed his orange juice. "Good morning, baby sister."
"What's the scam?"
"I have no idea what you're talking about."
She gave him an expression that was remarkably similar to his mother's unimpressed face. Eerie.
"What?" he asked innocently, and glanced around. Remarkably, none of the other guys were there; Logan was in the shower, Carlos had overslept, and James was stalking some one-day sale that had started at dawn, trying to get shopping done before they had to go to the studio.
"Your boyfriend doesn't exist," Katie said.
"My boyf -- how long have you -- I didn't tell you about -- Katie!" Kendall set his juice down so he couldn't accidentally spit it out again.
She shrugged. "Well, were you not going to tell me that you're gay?"
"Of course I was going to! But you're just a kid. I was trying to figure out how..."
"Seriously? You thought this would be a problem, or something you'd need to explain?" She didn't call him an idiot out loud, but Kendall heard it nonetheless. "Anyway, that's not the point. I keep hearing rumors about you and this Filipe guy, so I broke into Bitters' office to look through the rental contracts, and what do you know? No Filipe."
"Ummm." Kendall glanced around again, paranoid. Then, "How would you feel about helping out your big brother? Who you love? And not saying that too loudly?"
She gave him a considering look. "A hundred bucks."
"Twenty."
"Fifty."
"Fifty but you help me out with this whole... thing when I need you to."
Katie held out her hand. "Done. So what are we doing?"
"It's kind of a long story," Kendall said.
--
Kendall was walking into the lobby, minding his own business, when a hand came up to cover his mouth and someone tugged him into the supply closet. Camille. "What? What's happening?" he demanded.
"Did you hear? Suzanne dumped James yesterday!"
"It was mutual, James said," Kendall said.
"Well, of course that's what James would say. Anyway, it's not the point."
"Then why did you drag me in here?"
Camille grinned. "The point is why. Apparently, all James ever talked about was --"
"Himself, that's kind of his thing," Kendall filled in. Duh.
"Nooooo." Camille grabbed Kendall's hands and jumped up and down. "All James was talking about was you. Don't you get it? He's totally jealous!"
"He's... what?"
"Jealous," Camille repeated. "Because you've got a boyfriend"
"You really think so?"
"Yeah, I really do," Camille promised.
And Kendall may have been gay, but he was very manly, so he totally did not jump up and down with her. Much.
--
The next person to wonder about it was Logan, of course. Because Logan was observant and while he was kind of gullible in general, he wasn't stupid. So of course it was Logan who frowned that afternoon and asked, "What film exactly is Filipe working on?"
Katie jumped in. "Mission Improbable 7. The original cast is so old, this is a passing-the-torch flick. Now instead of just CIA they're going to be an international group of superspies. Obviously Filipe is the French heart throb."
"Ohhh," Logan said. "Huh. I didn't know they'd greenlighted any more Mission Improbables."
"You should read the trade papers," Katie advised him seriously.
Kendall mouthed thanks at her behind Logan's back.
--
The whole fake date thing was no longer a novelty. Not that Kendall didn't enjoy getting some time to himself, but since he wasn't really going on dates, he wasn't really interested in dropping a lot of money. So mostly he'd just been wandering, looking for things that were interesting and cheap. Mostly cheap. Which was how he found himself in the library. Logan would be so proud.
He wandered and finally found a travel guide to France. It wasn't actually very interesting, but he figured he'd better start brushing up on his random France trivia, since he and Filipe had been hooking up for a few weeks now.
Fake hooking up. Filipe may have had a total personality developed by this point (he was a little arrogant but usually sweet and well meaning, and okay, he was basically French James) and a thorough description (tall, blond, and curly-haired, with freckles but no dimples, and he dressed a little preppie but not Eurotrashy, at least), but he was still imaginary. Even though Kendall had heard other people at the Palm Woods discussing him, as if they'd seen him themselves.
Whatever. Point was, Filipe was learning English and he and Kendall were supposedly spending lots of time together, so Kendall should memorize some random France-related stuff to drop into conversation and make the whole thing seem realer. But it wasn't actually interesting. Yes, France was beautiful, but Kendall wasn't actually interested in spending his evening in the library.
He yawned. Maybe he should get some coffee or something. Or a soda. Something with caffeine, anyway. Except he didn't want to give up his seat in the library, since he'd scored one of the comfy chairs. And the library was free and he got great reception on his phone so he could just sit there and screw around.
He was a little sleepy, though.
A librarian saw him on his phone and gave him a dark look. When he got a text from Carlos a second later, she shhhed him. He mumbled, "Sorry," and replied to Carlos, but Carlos texted him again, and at the librarian's death glare, he put his phone on silent.
He yawned and flipped through the France book. Maybe Big Time Rush would get big enough to do an international tour. At least he'd know something about Paris if they went there.
A glance at the time showed he still had to kill a few hours. He really should get that soda. Did libraries have vending machines? Too bad he didn't have a hot French guy to get something for him.
He didn't mean to drift off. His head nodded a couple of times, he flipped the page, and the next thing he knew, a librarian was shaking him awake and telling him the library had actually been closed for an hour, and she just hadn't noticed him sleeping in the stacks.
He grabbed his phone to check the time: after midnight. But his curfew was 11. Damn it. He hurried out and grabbed a cab home, since it was too late for public transit to be reliable and safe (his mom lectured in his head) and he braced himself for the worst when he opened the door to 2J. But his mom wasn't up waiting, thankfully.
The guys were, though.
Kendall wished he'd thought to muss his hair or something, so at least it would look like he'd been up to something fun. "Where have you been?" Logan hissed, objectively quiet but loud in the near-silence of the apartment.
Kendall hurried over to the couch. "Out, duh."
"Duh." Carlos smacked the back of his head. "Your mom was flipping out. We covered for you, but you know how she gets when she's worried. And she was worried."
"Well, of course she was!" James snapped. "You're off with some French guy, who knows where, not answering your texts, who knows what you're doing? You could have been -- been kidnapped by international drug lords and used to smuggle illegal cheese and wine across the border or something!"
"Huh?" Kendall was the one who asked it, but they all turned to stare at James, who stood up, flustered.
"Well, I don't know! It's the French, who knows what weird things they do? With their, their rivieras and baguettes and who knows what else? And you didn't even answer my texts!"
James stormed out.
Kendall blinked a few times. "Did that make any sense to anyone?" he asked.
"He was worried," Logan said. "He did text you all night. We told him you were probably, you know, busy with Filipe and not stopping to check your phone. But he was convinced something was going on."
"He said some mean things about Europeans and body odor," Carlos added. "You could have let us know what was going on, though."
Kendall grabbed his phone and opened his texts. He had 34 unread: two from his mom, one from Logan, one from Carlos, and thirty from James. Thirty. Starting with the pretty innocuous (hey when u gon b home? bring ice cream plz?), but they just got weirder and angrier (hey tell france to stop blowing u under the table or whatever so u can text me back bro ) to desperate (ok ok just text me so i know ur not dead, u didnt say when ur comin home & ur mom is worried & logans trying to cover 4 u but HES LOGAN so text us soon cuz he cant lie for crap).
"Whoa," Kendall said.
"Is something going on with you two?" Logan asked.
"Why, did he say there was?" Kendall asked.
Logan and Carlos exchanged a weird look. "Kendall?" Carlos asked. "Why... why haven't you brought Filipe by to meet us? Are you worried James will... we want to meet him, dude. We'll make James behave."
"There's nothing going on between me and James," Kendall said, his throat going dry.
"You sure?" Logan asked. "Maybe you should talk to him. About, you know. Whatever."
"Yeah," Kendall agreed. "I'll... I'll do that."
--
Before he did that, Kendall showered, soaping up with his new Brooke Diamond For Men shower gel, grateful that the sample size label was too small for Brooke's face to appear on it. He really didn't need her watching him in the shower. Then he used the moisturizer stuff (which, okay, actually felt pretty good on his skin), changed into his pajamas, and walked down to James' and Carlos' room. He knocked on the door.
James made a hmph noise, which Kendall chose to interpret as come in. "Sorry I didn't text," Kendall said.
"You were getting laid, I get it," James snapped. "I wasn't trying to cockblock you, Jesus."
"I know! I just... um. Are you okay?"
"Yes."
"Okaaaay... So you're cool with me and Filipe?"
"Of course I am! Why wouldn't I be? I mean, just because I've never met the guy, so for all I know he's some kind of giant French creep who's actually a foreign spy in a terrorist ring or whatever, why wouldn't I like him?"
Kendall took a deep breath. "Filipe's not a terrorist."
"No, he just plays one in the movie, right? But I bet he's great at the role."
"He plays a spy, actually."
"Same difference. Whatever. Fine."
"Fine." Kendall paused. "I'm sorry I didn't text you. I... got distracted."
"Way to go," James said, his voice flat. "So proud of you, bro. Hey, I need some beauty sleep, so..."
"Yeah." Kendall reached for the doorknob. "Just, James, is there anything... anything you want to tell me?"
James stared at him for a really long moment. Then he just said, "I liked the way you used to dress."
"Huh?"
"When you dress like some Hollywood version of Kendall," he gestured at Kendall, even though he was wearing pajamas, "you act like some Hollywood asshole. That's all."
"You picked out my new clothes," Kendall pointed out. "You said I looked good. The whole point was for me to look good, so I could pick up a guy. So, what? Is there some reason, any reason, why I shouldn't be doing that?"
He stared at James, who stared back at him. He didn't move, barely breathed, waiting, hoping --
James just reached for an eyemask. "I said I need my beauty sleep. Good night."
"Yeah," Kendall said. "Night."
--
Kendall was actually feeling reasonably good about the whole thing. Something was clearly bothering James, and it sure as hell
sounded like Camille's theory was right and it was a raging case of jealousy. Which helped him figure out the rest of the plan: make James jealous so he knew he wanted Kendall, then give him an opportunity to make a move. Which would probably involve dumping poor Filipe.
Poor, fictional Filipe.
Except that it became really obvious, really early the next morning that things were not all good in 2J. Kendall's mom gave him her disappointed face as soon as he woke up (apparently whatever excuse the guys had come up with had been good enough to keep him out of trouble, but not good enough to keep her from being suspicious); Logan and Carlos kept whispering to each other and then shutting up suspiciously as soon as they saw Kendall; and James... James wasn't talking to him.
He was making comments like, "Someone tell Kendall to pass the salt, unless you have to say it in French to get his attention," though.
As they sat through Miss Collins' class, James wouldn't even look at him, even when they were assigned to be partners.
In the studio all day, James arranged it so he was standing as far away from Kendall as possible.
And when Kendall tried to ask if everything was okay (even though, obviously, it was not), James gave him the nastiest look he'd ever seen.
Which was when the guilt hit. That evening, he flounced down onto Lucy's couch. She sighed. "I will be really glad when this whole thing is over and you can go back to being normal. Or as normal as you ever get."
"I hate that he's mad at me."
"You sound like such a girl." Lucy crossed her arms.
Okay, Kendall suspected she was probably more mad because she and Camille had been making out on the couch before he'd appeared, but still. He could have used a little support. At least Camille turned to Kendall. "This is what was supposed to happen. Why are you so upset?"
"Because he's mad at me." Kendall groaned, dozens of images of James with his various girlfriends appearing unbidden in his brain. The thing was, he knew exactly how James felt. He knew how much it sucked, and it hurt, to go through that kind of jealousy. "I'm gonna break up with Filipe tonight."
"You know he's not real, right?" Lucy said.
"Are you sure?" Camille asked.
"Pretty sure," Lucy said. "I was in the room when you two invented him."
"Not you." She turned to Kendall. "You. Are you sure you want to do that? It seems like James is just teetering on the brink, now. You're close, so close, you just need to push him over the edge. Metaphorically."
"Why? Why can't I just end this now?"
"Because." Camille rolled her eyes. "He hasn't told you anything. He's being a jealous jerk, sure. But if you just give him what he wants -- break up with Filipe -- then what's his reason for taking the next step? He'll just back right off and go back to flirting with any new girls who move in."
Damn it. He probably would. Kendall sighed. "Okay. So what do I have to do to push him over the edge?"
"I have no idea," Camille said. "You tell me."
"What? You're the one who keeps coming up with these ridiculous plans! What... How... Come on, at least help me!"
Camille considered it, though Lucy was now running her hand up Camille's ribcage, so Kendall didn't think he'd have her attention for much longer at all. She got a little flustered but put a hand over Lucy's to pause it. "Okay, okay, think, Kendall," she instructed. "Back when you were the one doing all the jealous pining, was there ever anything, anything at all, that was so... so big, or whatever, you thought maybe you'd never be able to forgive James for it?"
"I don't want James to never forgive me."
"Duh. But keep in mind, you're not really dating anyone, so once he finds that out, it'll all be fine."
Kendall wasn't sure that logic was actually sound, but he leaned back on the couch, wracking his brain. Something James had done, something that had been the lowest blow, the worst thing he could remember...
He abruptly thought of Lauren and groaned. "Yeah, okay. I got it. But it's gonna take a few days."
"Yeah?" Lucy asked.
"Yeah," Kendall said. "It needs to be on a Friday."
--
He had three days to kill before Friday. Wednesday, he just hung out with the guys, bumming around the apartment and the pool, talking to James even though James wasn't talking to him. At least, not at first. Then, grudgingly, James started acknowledging him again, and just like Kendall knew would happen, by the end of the night the whole thing was, if not forgiven, irrelevant.
Kendall understood. He'd been in James' shoes enough times. As much as it had always ached when James ditched him for some girl, when James was actually around, it was so easy to forget the whole thing until it happened again. And it was definitely going to happen again. Kendall had a plan.
The really horrible part was that a tiny part of Kendall was actually enjoying this. He'd gone through years of jealousy, half a decade of frustration and irrational anger. James didn't deserve this, since it wasn't like he'd done anything wrong, but on some level Kendall couldn't help but enjoy evening the score a smidgen.
Thursday, as they all gathered their things to leave the studio, he said, "I'll catch you all tonight, okay? Late?"
"Date?" Carlos asked.
Kendall shrugged. "Something like that. Filipe's doing his big kissing scene today, he wanted me to be there to try to keep me from, you know, my usual jealous freak out."
"Did you warn him what happened you when and Jo tried that?" Logan asked with a wry raised eyebrow.
"I did," Kendall said, and added, "but I mean, it's not like he's making out with another guy. I think I can keep cool."
"Good luck," Logan said.
Kendall glanced at James, who was searching for something in his duffle bag, not looking up. He cleared his throat and added, "You guys mind covering for me again? Don't know when we'll be done, you know..."
Carlos said, "Sure --" but James snapped, "You have a curfew for a reason, you know!"
"Yeah, because my mom is paranoid," Kendall said.
"Or maybe she just doesn't trust creepy French crepe-eaters who obviously don't respect her enough to get her son home at a reasonable hour!"
"James," Logan murmured.
"He hasn't even come by to introduce himself." James stood up, grabbing his bag's straps with both hands, his knuckles white. "So I'm just gonna come out and say it, I think he's a giant jerk. If he weren't, you'd have introduced him by now. But you know we won't like him so you're hiding him, and we're not supposed to date people our friends hate, Kendall!"
"You don't hate him," Carlos jumped in. "You haven't met him, and I'm sure his schedule is just too busy because of filming and as soon as it calms down, Kendall will bring him over so we can meet him. Right, Kendall?"
Carlos stared at him hopefully and Kendall's guilt crept back in. Carlos was kind of collateral damage, here. He didn't feel the way Kendall did about James, but he'd been ditched just as often, and it must have hurt just as much. Carlos' heart was forever on his sleeve and hurting him was like kicking a puppy.
So Kendall nodded. "Sure, yeah. As soon as his schedule's a little saner. He's looking forward to it, actually, I talk about you guys all the time."
Carlos grinned and James looked a little mollified. And Logan suggested, "You think he'll be free at all tomorrow evening? He could come by for fishsticks. We'll all be there."
Kendall could have done it then, but the words froze in his throat and he couldn't force them out. He shook his head a little. "I don't think... don't think he can make it."
"Too good for fishsticks?" James muttered.
"No! Just. He." Okay, so he was going to have to do it now after all. Bracing himself, he said, "We actually have plans tomorrow. So, uh, neither of us is gonna be able to make it."
He tried to ignore the sadness on Carlos' face and the puzzlement on Logan's and just focus on James, whose eyes narrowed.
"Are you serious?" he demanded.
"What? It's just once, no big deal," Kendall said, a line he'd heard from James at least a dozen times.
"You've been out more than home this week!" James yelled. "You're going to be out late tonight, and tomorrow, and then what? When are we ever going to hang out?"
Kendall somehow doubted James was altruistic enough for that 'we' to mean all four of them. That was stupidly familiar, too, from all the times he'd spoken on behalf of Carlos and Logan when what he really wanted was to have James to himself. To be the most important one in James' life, to have James want him back for once.
So he wasn't lying and or faking or exaggerating his bitterness when he said, "Funny, coming from you. How many times have you ditched --"
"That's different."
"Why?"
"Because you're you," James snapped. "You're the one who's obsessed with codes and loyalty and not turning your back on your friends, so you're not allowed to ditch us! Not for some guy you just met, Kendall!"
"Are you kidding me?" Kendall demanded. "So what, it's totally okay for you to do it? To just leave everyone else sitting around while you go out, but when it's anyone else --"
"It's not anyone else. It's you. And fuck you, by the way." One hand still clutching the strap of his bag, James shouldered past him.
Carlos hesitated, first staring after James, then looking over at Kendall. Kendall winced under his big, sad eyes, but he couldn't really explain, and when he didn't offer anything, Carlos followed James.
Kendall grabbed his bag, but before he could leave, Logan took his arm and pushed him around so they were looking at each other. "So nothing's going on with you and James, huh?"
"Obviously not."
"Oh believe me, that's not what's obvious." Logan shook his head. "If nothing's going on, why are you being such a jerk? Just for some guy?"
"I'm not --"
"You are, and you know it. You were never like this with Jo." Logan frowned.
Kendall looked away from him. "This isn't like with Jo. I can't explain, but it's... it's not."
"So is he worth it?"
Right. Moments like these were why Kendall hated lying. So he didn't. He didn't say anything at all.
Logan snorted and started for the door. "Nothing going on with James, my ass."
--
Kendall spent the evening in the library again, staring into space and feeling a little sick to his stomach. This was stupid. It had always been stupid, but it was really stupid now. James was a hypocrite, yeah, but he also had a point. Kendall didn't do this. He didn't turn his back on his friends, and the fact that he had enjoyed hurting James a little bit, that was pretty much the worst thing he'd ever done. Hurting Logan and Carlos too? That pretty much made him the worst person of all time.
He was a terrible person.
He needed to come clean, absolutely needed to.
Except that when he got home, ready to give up and confess everything, he found James and Suzanne on the couch, apparently deciding to give it another go. They were going at something, anyway, with his hand up her shirt and her skirt riding up her hips and --
"You could at least do that in your room," Kendall snapped. "Let Carlos and Logan have the living room."
Suzanne let out an embarrassed squeak, and James murmured something in her ear, pinning her to the couch. Her squeak turned into a giggle and James didn't even acknowledge Kendall's presence.
He'd apologize to the other guys later. Rage crowded out the guilt, the same ancient jealousy that had been haunting him for years.
--
"How was Suzanne?" Kendall sniped over breakfast.
"Go to hell," James answered.
Carlos cleared his throat. "Are you two back together?"
James looked over at Carlos, then shook his head. "It was just a hookup. Relationships turn people into dicks."
"How would you know? You've never even been in one," Kendall muttered.
"Lauren," James snapped.
"Like she counts."
"At least she spoke English. And I'm not talking to you."
"You just did," Carlos said.
And that was breakfast.
--
Kendall and James were still project partners in class. Their project consisted mostly of them having a glare-off and in the end they turned in in a blank sheet. Miss Collins was not impressed, and Logan just rolled his eyes at them.
That was school.
--
James shoved Kendall in the middle of dance rehearsal, as soon as Mr. X's back was turned. Kendall responded by stomping on James' foot.
"Seriously, you guys?" Carlos asked.
And that was rehearsal.
--
Kendall showered and actually did his hair the way James had showed him to, then pulled on one of the outfits James had made him buy. Judging by James' reactions back on their shopping trip, this was actually one of his favorites. It brought out his eyes or something, James had said.
Adrenaline flooded his system as he finished getting ready for a date he knew full well wasn't going to happen. One way or another, he was going to end this. It was affecting the band, it was upsetting the guys, and he wasn't a total asshole. His guys being happy was more important, and that included James. Even though James would doubtlessly be pissed as hell about this whole thing. Not to mention that whether it worked or not, James would never let Kendall live it down. But it was too late to back out now. It had been since he'd let Camille talk him into this.
So Kendall marched into the living room and stood directly between James and the television, which forced him (and Carlos and Logan, for that matter) to stare at him. "So do I look good?" he asked. "For my date?"
Logan shut his eyes and sank back on the couch, shaking his head. Carlos stared down at the ground, frowning. But James' gaze swept over him.
"You look like a tool," James said.
"You're the one who picked all this out." Kendall gestured at himself. "You told me it looked hot."
"I lied."
"No, you didn't. Filipe likes it."
"Then why are you asking my opinion?" James asked, teeth gritted.
Kendall played dirty: he used some truth. "Because this is your area of expertise. You're gorgeous."
James looked away, almost flinching, and it was all Kendall could do not to start doing a victory dance. Obviously James had been jealous, but friends got jealous when they were ditched. That was normal.
But James never didn't want to hear about how gorgeous he was. For him to resist that meant he actually felt something.
"James," Kendall said.
"What?"
"I'm going to go out. On a date. Tonight. Fishstick Friday." He did his best to keep the smirk off his face, but he wanted this so badly.
"So go --"
"Unless," Kendall said, "you've got a reason why I shouldn't."
"Kendall --"
"Do you?" Kendall asked. "Do you have a reason why I shouldn't go?"
James stared at him, then shut his eyes like he was trying to hide from something. He shook his head, silent and wordless, looking pained.
"Liar," Kendall half-laughed, which he knew was just baiting James.
He was right: James' eyes flew back open and he was on his feet in a moment. Kendall smirked. James didn't do selfless well, but confrontation, that he was good at. They were both good at it, especially with each other.
"Liar?" James yelled, getting in Kendall's face. "What the hell am I lying about? You're being such a douchebag. I don't want to talk to you. Get the hell out so the rest of us can have fun."
"You are a liar and you know it!" Kendall shot back. "It doesn't matter what you say, you don't want me to go. And it pisses you off that I could. It pisses you off that I could just walk out the door --"
"Then why don't you?"
"You tell me, James. Why don't I?"
James opened his mouth to answer, but no words came out. He and Kendall were standing way too close, both tense, but almost nose to nose and eye to eye -- James was a tiny bit taller, but they were close enough that Kendall could see it in his eyes, see what he wanted to do. Kendall wanted to scream at him not to hold back, to just fucking do it --
But James didn't. He froze. Kendall could have cursed, sworn at him, screamed profanities, but it wouldn't make a bit of difference, he realized suddenly. His plan had worked too well: James thought he had boyfriend, and after everything that had happened with Camille and Logan, there was no way James would make that mistake again. It didn't matter how much he wanted Kendall, he wasn't going to do a damn thing about it.
So Kendall did it. Heart racing, pulse echoing in his ears, adrenaline turning his brain electric and narrowing his world to snap decisions, he just did it. He closed the space between them, pressed his lips to James'.
James grabbed his shoulders, yanking him closer, kissing him hard and furious. It wasn't the insistent, suave kiss from Lucy's couch, it was angry and sharp and desperate. And it only lasted a second.
Then James shoved him away and snarled, "Fuck you! You can't just do this to me!"
"But you wanted me to."
"So what if I did?" James answered, turning away, arms crossed. "What about Filipe? Isn't he waiting? How do you say I kissed someone else in French?"
"No idea," Kendall said.
"You should look it up."
"No. I should look up Filipe doesn't exist and I don't have a boyfriend. But you don't speak French, so it wouldn't matter."
"What?" James asked.
And behind them, Logan -- who Kendall had almost forgotten existed -- crowed, "I knew it! I freaking knew it. Pay up, Carlitos."
James spun around to stare at Logan, which was just as well, since Kendall was gaping at him, too. Sure enough, Carlos groaned and dug out his wallet, pulled a grungy bill from it, and tossed it at Logan.
"How did you know?" Kendall asked, as James demanded, "What is going on?"
"That's why we haven't met Filipe. He's Kendall's imaginary friend," Logan said, smirking. "It took me awhile, but I knew something was fishy when we never met him, never even saw him. Everyone else seemed to, but the more I asked, the more I found out everyone who said they saw him was actually saying a friend of a friend saw him, and that friend of a friend was always Camille or Lucy. Carlos didn't think you could pull that off, but," he waved the bill triumphantly, "I knew it."
"Then were have you been going?" Carlos asked. "What have you even been doing?"
"Yeah," James demanded, spinning back around to face Kendall. "What the hell have you been doing?"
Kendall shrugged awkwardly. "Just... hanging out. Mostly alone, you know."
"You had a hickey!" Carlos yelped.
"Yeaaaah, uh, from Lucy. Camille sat there and laughed at us, but it was mostly all her idea, actually."
"You are such a fucking liar douchebag," James said, shaking his head. "What the hell were you -- why would you even -- what is wrong with you?"
Kendall almost laughed. "Well, for a long time I thought everything was. I thought being gay was. I thought a lot of really stupid shit."
"So to deal with your internalized homophobia, you made up a boyfriend?" Logan asked.
Kendall didn't bother asking what that even meant. "No. Okay. Um, I'm going to sit down now." Which he did. So did James, but on the other section of the couch. Facing him, but not near him. "So, uh. The what's wrong with me thing? Is jealousy. It's always been jealousy."
He could actually see Logan get it, which was hilarious. Carlos and James didn't yet, but Logan's eyes went wide as everything fell into place for him.
"What are you talking about?" James demanded.
"Remember Lauren?" Kendall said. "Remember how much I hated her? For no reason? Yeah."
"What?" Carlos asked, then suddenly, "Oh. Oh. Whoa, Kendall."
But James just shook his head. "What are you talking about? She was possessive, and I had hockey stuff --"
"And I hated her," Kendall said. "Because she was with you. You know how you were joking about turning me gay?"
"Yeah..."
"You didn't. But..." Kendall felt his cheeks heating up. "You might have, uh, helped. A little."
"I might have... I might have... You... Lauren was..." James' jaw dropped open and he stared at Kendall. Flat out, open mouthed, wide eyed stared.
"I was never going to do... I had it under control. And I had Jo, and it was all fine, and... and then you said you kissed boys, and it kind of made me lose my mind."
"I'll say," Logan snorted.
James actually let out a short peal of laughter. "You're kidding me. This is all because Jared kissed me at a cast party?"
"No. Yes. I don't -- you kissed me!" Kendall said, and yeah, this was exactly as humiliating as he'd always dreaded. Except he could still taste James on his lips. "And yes, I lost my mind, and then Camille put weird goo on my face, and the way you looked at me when we were shopping, but you were still going out with random girls so I invented a boy and you kissed me back , god damn it. Stop smirking, you kissed me back."
"You were tying to make me jealous," James realized.
"Trying?" Kendall repeated. "I think I was pretty freaking successful."
"Because you want me. You've wanted me since ninth grade!"
Kendall crossed his arms over his chest, sinking down into the couch. "More like seventh, if we're being technical."
"I totally turned you gay!" James crowed.
"I don't even know why I like you. You're a jerk."
James' laughter got brighter, louder, happier. "You know it was no big deal," he said. "When Jared kissed me. I didn't know about Logan's scale thingy --"
"Technically it's Alfred Kinsey's scale," Logan interrupted.
"Whatever. I don't know, I'm somewhere on it, like, middle-ish, I guess? But I never thought you were. I never thought about you that way at all."
"Hell. This is hell."
"Deserved," Carlos said, slapping the back of his head. "For ditching us for your imaginary friend. That was not cool."
"I didn't mean to -- I really am sorry," Kendall said. "But it seemed like a good idea at the time."
James just shook his head a little. "You could have told me."
"No, I couldn't have."
"You should have," James insisted. "After that night at Lucy's, I -- I'd never thought of you that way. Kissing you was just a stupid dare."
Kendall wanted to bury his head in his hands but he managed not to. Because if James didn't think of him that way, and it really had been nothing more than a dare to him, hadn't meant anything, hadn't changed anything...
"But then you had to come out." James crossed his arms, huffy. "And all I could think about was your stupid mouth, and then you were all hot. You fight dirty, Knight. Making me make you all hot and then flaunting it."
Kendall blinked a few times, then let himself smile just a little bit. More of a smirk, really. "So how much did you hate Filipe?"
"Shut up." James jutted his chin up. "Shut up and get over here."
"You get over here," Kendall said.
"Uh, no. You're the one who's been lying and being a dick," James said, and pointed at the cushion next to him. "And you're the one who's wanted me forever. So are you going to come get me or what?"
Kendall's smirk faded a little bit, as he saw all three of them staring at him. Not angry anymore, not even hurt. Just amused. Especially James, who could not possibly be more smug. It kind of made him want to punch James a little. But kiss him more.
So he stood up, stalked over, and threw himself down on the other end of the couch. "I love winning," James said.
"Yeah, sure, you win," Kendall said. "But if I lose, then how come I get to do this?" He grabbed James' shoulder, shoved him back against the couch, twisted around, and kissed him. James actually moaned a little bit, his back arching up towards Kendall, hand reaching up to grab Kendall's hair, messing it up, pulling him closer.
Kendall could have kept it up forever, if not for the sarcastic applause from the couch. He fell back onto the cushion next to James, but James' arm was still around him, warm and comfortable, like it belonged there. Like it always had belonged there.
"Well, that's just adorable," Carlos said. "But I want some freaking fishsticks. Logan?"
"Yeah, definitely," Logan said, standing up. "How about you and me make them tonight?"
"We could do that," Carlos agreed.
Logan turned to Kendall and James. "You get fifteen minutes to make out. Then it's fishsticks. And video games."
"And swirly slide time," Carlos put in.
"Yeah," Logan said. "Fifteen. I'm timing it." Then he grabbed Carlos' arm and pulled him into the kitchen as they both laughed. Kendall watched them go, smiling broadly. He wasn't sure he deserved such instant forgiveness or support, but he should have known he'd get it anyway, just like he'd have given it to either of them. Them, and James.
His team.
James looked at Kendall. "I think you should tell me more about how you've always wanted me."
"Shut up," Kendall laughed.
"Shut me up," James challenged.
Kendall laughed and leaned in towards him. "Shut you up, huh? Yeah. I can definitely do that."
And he did.
Kendall really had always been awesome at plans.
End.