well.
We broke up.
Don't ask me about it.
I'm going to go smoke some pot.
The end.
Shikamaru: Temari
Temari: ?
Shikamaru: what's wrong?
Temari: nothing.
Shikamaru: hmph
Temari: what?
Shikamaru: sure there's nothing you want to tell me?
Temari: like what?
Shikamaru: anything
Temari: ...
Shikamaru: if you say so....
Temari: I didn't say anything...
Shikamaru: i...i feel like your slipping
Temari: I don't know what you mean.
Shikamaru: *sighs* nevermind...
Temari: ...fine.
Shikamaru: what are you up to?
Temari: nothing.
Temari: watching tv.
Shikamaru: sounds terribly exciting.
Temari: my life is a veritable whirlwind of excitement.
Shikamaru: sounds like it
Temari: oh yes.
Shikamaru: tv rots the brain
Temari: it calms me down
Shikamaru: what is there to calm down?
Temari: me. I just got done with a hell of a semester. I'm too wound up.
Shikamaru: if its not a problem i could be of assistance *half smiles*
Temari: what do you have in mind?
Shikamaru: hungry?
Temari: yeah, kind of
Shikamaru: want to meet me somewhere for lunch?
Temari: sure. where?
Shikamaru: what are you in the mood for?
Temari: dumplings or something super fattening like that.
Shikamaru: there's a place called lucky dragon in town
Shikamaru: has stuff like that
Temari: sounds good.
Shikamaru: see you there in five?
Temari: well maybe more like 10-15...I'm still in suna.
Shikamaru: oh ok...ill see you then
Shikamaru: ok
Temari: sounds good. see you.
* * *
Shikamaru sat by the window of the resturant. For once he was early. He was glad to have his car back. It had finished being through it's repairs earlier that day. He didn't know what was bothering Temari...but he hoped this would help her feel better.
Temari sighed, pulling the bill of her paperboy cap down lower over her eyes, her bangle bracelets chiming as the bells moved under her jacket sleeve. She spotted Shikamaru near a window at the front and made her way over, sitting down across from him at the small table. "Hi."
"Hey," he said, giving her a small smile. Something was definatly different, he just couldn't put his finger on it.
She smiled back, a small quirk of her lips, and she took her hat off, running her fingers absently through her waves, separating them. She began to work on her coat, next, undoing the buttons as she spoke. "How's your day been?"
"School, tests, home, sleep. You know the usual."
She made a small sound, removing her coat and hanging it over the back of her chair. Immediately she reached for her menu, poring over it like it was the next Pulitzer prize winner.
His brows went flat as he watched her. He drummed his fingers lightly on the table, pausing before he spoke "Not in a talkative mood I see..."
She shrugged, not looking up. "Just hungry," she told him.
"Okay," he drew out. He glanced at his menu then then pushed it away. He wasn't that hungry but he'd go with some pasta. Something that would fill you up fast, so he wouldn't have to think about eating after a few bites.
Temari glanced up quickly, eyebrow raised under her bangs. "You okay?" she asked.
"Fine. I already know what to get..." he said starting to drum his fingers on the table again lightly.
"Fine," she echoed, lifting a hand up quickly to signal a waiter as she set her own menu down.
The waiter took his time, finally coming over to thier table. "What do you want?" he said sarcastically, as if he didn't want to be there. Shikamaru rolled his eyes, and held back a slight growl.
Temari placed her order very curtly, spearing the water with a glare that would put even the most hardened criminal in his place, and informed him that he should hurry next time.
Shikamaru gave his order with a flat, annoyed voice. He then turned his head away and looked out the window at the snow.
"Why does it keep snowing here?" Temari asked quietly, complaining as she crossed her arms against her chest.
"It always snows like this," he said in a distant voice looking out at it still.
"It's annoying."
He still didn't look back to her as he spoke, as if he was in another world in his mind. "I know...it's not suna...but...snow can be nice sometimes...."
"It's cold and wet," she continued, rubbing her hands over her arms. "It makes my fingers hurt."
"It's like a big cloud" he said.
She sniffed slightly, looking out of the window but saying nothing.
He laughed lightly as he remembered when he was little and his dad would wrap him up with this ridiculous hoodie that looked like a deer. He actually was starting to miss the old goat.
Temari turned to look at him. "What?" she asked curiously.
He turned back and shook his head. "Nothing" he chuckled. "Just remembering something..."
"Ah." She looked down at the table, then, picking at her napkin.
"I'm actually starting to miss the old man..." he said lightly.
"I think that's a sign to get your head checked," she replied, glancing up at him.
"Maybe Chouji's drugs are having a bigger affect than I thought"
"Stop taking things from him," she told Shikamaru vehemently. "I don't like the idea of him drugging you."
"I already got on him about this. I'm the one that's the walking zombie here..."
She frowned slightly. "Fine. I just want to make sure."
"Well I'm ok....ok?" he said looking at her concerned.
She nodded, closing the subject without another word, going back to her napkin.
As their food finally arrived Shikamaru could only stare at his plate. He really wasn't that hungry.
"Eat," Temari told him, her chopsticks pushing around the food on her plate.
He sighed and complied, taking a few bites. He shoved it around a bit then took a few more bites. Repeating the same process.
"Don't act like it's too good," she said flatly, eating as she always did - putting a lot into her mouth and fast.
He shoveled in some more leaving at least little than half his plate left. He sat back and stared at the leftover noodles. He just couldn't eat.
Placing her chopsticks down, Temari swallowed and looked over at Shikamaru. "What's up?"
He pushed his plate away. "Just not so hungry as I thought" he said resting his elbow on the table and propping his chin in his hand watching as she continued to eat.
She sighed. "Fine," she told him, "make me feel like a glutton..."
He smiled at her. "I'm trying to do no such thing.."
"Whatever," she told him, rolling her eyes as she continued to shovel food.
"Want mine?" he said smiling at her sweetly.
"No!" she practically screeched, staring at him. "Are you crazy? You're trying to get me fat, aren't you?"
"No I am not. I have a feeling Chouji's trying to make me fat..."
"Uh-huh," she replied, finishing up her plate and placing her chopsticks down on the table.
He chuckled slightly and smiled at her again.
"What?" she asked him, looking slightly uncomfortable under his stare.
He looked down and folded his napkin from his lap up. Looking down he just smiled. "You just look cute is all..." he said quietly.
She scratched the back of her head, looking down. "Whatever," she mumbled. "I got ready in, like, five minutes."
"So did I," he said, placing his napkin up on the table. He stood up for a second, pausing before walking away from the table. "Be right back" he said heading off to the bathroom.
Temari sighed, watching him go through half-lidded eyes as she leaned back in her seat, her thumbs hooked on the beltloops on her jeans. She felt tired. Cold. She wasn't sure what it was.
He walked into the bathroom to the sink. He splashed some cold water on his face. Things were strange, he could feel it, he just didn't know what to think of it. He stared at himself in the mirror for a minute before walking back out to the table. Once there he sat back down slowley and with a slight sigh.
"Ready?" he asked.
She glanced up from under the bill of her hat. "Yeah." Standing, she grabbed her jacket and threw it on, buttoning it up slowly.
He kissed her lightly on the cheek and walked up to the counter to pay, for both of them.
"I wish you wouldn't do that," she said from behind him, her hands shoved into the pockets of her coat.
Moving away from the counter he started to walk out with her. "Why is it such a big deal? If I sometimes would like to..." he said flatly.
"I work so I can support myself," she told him, walking first through the door and out into the cold. "That's the only reason why I haven't quit my job yet."
He watched her, his brows narrowing as she walked out before him. He grabbed her hand lightly and pulled her to him so she was facing him. He looked at her for a moment and then kissed her. He wasn't big on public displays, especially of affection; but he felt like it at the moment.
She pulled back, her hand on his chest. "What are you doing?" she hissed, looking at him as if he'd lost some logical part of his brain.
Did he really know what he was doing? Or why. No. In fact it probably just made the elders go wide-eyed and have something to gossip about. "Just kiss me..." he said softly and quietly, his words almost pleading.
"Why?" she replied, eyebrows going up. "Do you need to prove something?"
His hand raised to her cheek. The back of his fingers gracefully rubbing over it. "No, I just want to kiss you..." he said his voice getting softer. He felt like he needed to hang on. Pull her closer. Why he didn't know.
"Why?" she asked, her voice strained and her brow furrowed. She didn't know why she kept up this questioning. She wasn't really sure of any of her actions lately. She decided not to think about them and just act on them.
"To be sure you're here...." he said just above a whisper. He leaned down and took her lips in his, kissing her with as much emotion as he could.
Temari's fingers dug into the front of his coat, bunching the fabric under her hand as she kissed him. She pulled away prematurely - she knew she did, but she coldn't help but feel uncomfortable standing in front of a restaurant and kissing like this.
"My place?" he said somewhat breathy.
"Can we just walk for a while?" she asked him, flipping her collar up to cover her neck. "I've been inside too much this past week..."
"Okay," he said quietly. Her words hurting somewhat. She never used to turn down that before. And he thought she hated the cold? He was confused now, but he hid it. His heart wasn't jumping a mile a minute out of joy like it usually was. He felt...detatched? He brought his head down a little looking at the snow on the ground as they walked, his hands in his pockets.
Temari slid her hand out of her pocket, tucking it into Shikamaru's elbow tenatively, her shoulder hitting his. She glanced over at him, but he was looking down, so she just looked back at her feet, watching her boots leave heavy prints in the snow.
He sighed slightly and pulled out his hand from his pocket, taking her hand in his. He squeezed her hand gently and kept holding it as if she would dissapear.
She kept herself close to him, their arms bumping every once in a while as their steps went off-beat, glancing over at him every few moments when he wasn't looking.
He sighed again looking off to the distance, his hand still entwined with hers. He felt so confused at the moment and didn't know what to do. He wanted to hold her, hug her, kiss her...anything that would tell him she was really there.
"You're not mad at me, are you?" Temari asked him bluntly, her voice quiet.
He paused from walking. His thumb lightly running over her knuckles. "No," he said lightly, the two pieces of hair falling in his face.
"I'm sorry," she apologized, the words slipping easily from her mouth, like butter over a skillet. When did she become so apologetic? When did she become this shell of her former self?
He looked down again. "For what?" he asked. They were so close, but at such a distance. He felt his heart drop and a pain in his stomach. The last time he felt this bad was when...his mind paused. When she said she didn't love him. His face dropped with the thought as he looked back out to the bare trees ahead of them.
"I...I don't know. I'm making you hurt. I'm sorry."
He smiled slightly. "I'm fine," he lied.
She smiled, a cold expression. "No, you're not."
He paused from walking again, his hand loosing slightly on the grip on hers. His head was starting to hurt again. "What do you want me to say?" he said quietly.
"I don't want you to say anything," she replied. "I just want to know what's happening."
His throat felt tight. He felt like his words were caught, just like his thoughts. He felt like he was caught in a dream. In another place in time, trapped that he couldn't get out of. He shook his head. "I don't know Temari..." he held back the sting of tears that he wanted to fall.
"Will you tell me?" she asked him quietly. "If something's wrong?"
"How do I do that, when I don't even know myself..." he said quietly. "I just...feel....this distance" he said sighing with his voice trailing off. He looked off again. He didn't want to show that he was getting so upset for some reason. Why was he getting so bothered?
"Why won't you look at me?" Temari was studying his profile, trying to read him, but she couldn't if she couldn't see his face. He'd barely looked at her all afternoon and it was bothering her.
He turned facing her now, his head still looking down. If he looked up at her, would he cry? He didn't know. He looked up, trying to hold back and keep his emotions in check.
Her fingers reached up, the cold making them almost numb, and she touched his forehead lightly, then his cheek. "Why can't you look at me?" she asked, her voice caught in her throat.
His voice was caught. When he tried to speak it was shakey. He looked at her, eyes drawn with deep emotion. His mind all over the place with thoughts. "Because you're slipping..." he said just above a whisper.
"And you're not trying to catch me," she answered, her voice just as quiet as she swept her bangs away from her eyes with her hand, bringing it back to her own body as she shoved it into her pocket.
"What...what do you mean? I'm right here..." he stammared.
"So am I," she told him quietly. "I've always been here. But you say there's distance. What have you done to close it, Shikamaru?"
"...." his voice was stuck again "I thought I had been..."
She sighed, looking away and off into the wooded area they were next to. "You've changed, Shikamaru."
His brows furrowed in confusion. "What?" he said lightly.
"You're not the same anymore," she continued, her voice still quiet. "Your confidence has dropped considerably. You look to others for approval."
"Me? Your talking about when you flipped out the other day?"
She sighed. She'd rather not remember that. "No, I'm not. I'm talking about in the last few months."
He snubbed his nose in the air. "Hmph. I don't know what you mean."
"Of course you don't," she replied testily.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"You're not in touch with yourself. You have no idea what's going on, do you? You're always second-guessing yourself."
"What?" He said feeling offended. Where was this coming from all of a sudden. "What the hell?"
She rolled her eyes, taking a step back. "I'm not out of line, here. I know what I'm talking about."
"Oh so you do do you? All of a sudden the expert about everything I do," he said hastily.
She rolled her eyes. "I never said that and you know it. You don't notice yourself having to question everything?"
"No I don't. I just see everyone coming down on me like I'm some sort of science project. And when I do question it's because everything is being made so difficult." Shit was he even making sense? This was making him nervous.
"If I make everything so difficult, then why are you still here?"
"What the fuck kind of question is that?" he said his brows furrowing. This conversation was going bad fast.
"I don't know," she told him flippantly, "maybe you should figure it out for yourself instead of asking me every time I say something what I mean."
"Where are you getting at?" he asked suddenly feeling a sickness in his stomach.
"Goddamnit, Shikamaru!" She pulled her hands out of her pockets, crossing her arms against her chest. "Do you see now what I'm saying? You can't even come to a conclusion on your own anymore. I feel like I barely know you."
He looked at her, hurt. What the hell was going on? Why were they fighting like this? Why the hell could he not stop questioning things. Shit this was bad.
She shook her head, the wind hurting her eyes. "You can't even say anything!"
"I don't know what the hell to say!" he said back frustrated.
She nodded. "I see. You don't even want to defend yourself? You agree with everything I've just said, then."
"I don't know Temari! Shit I don't know..." He sat down on a nearby bench and sat crossing his arms.
"I should leave," Temari said quietly, her arms dropping to her sides.
He tugged at one of her arms, trying to get her to sit down. "Temari...don't..."
"Don't what?" she snapped, looking at him. "Don't what, Shikamaru?"
"Don't be like this."
"I can't do this anymore," she told him. "Let go of my arm, okay?"
He suddenly felt weak, numb, his heart broke. "Can't do what anymore? This conversation...or..." he couldn't get it out. He couldn't even say it. The thought was starting to make his head hurt. She couldn't mean.....that.
She shook her head again, her throat tight. "No, I mean...I mean this, Shikamaru. Us. I just can't...I need to spend some time alone, okay? Just let me go..."
He suddenly felt really dizzy. His eyes watered and he didn't even realize it. His heart started to race. "Why are you doing this Temari?" he asked weakly. His eyes searched around.
"I have to," she told him, her mouth dry. It was getting difficult for her to speak. "Please, don't make this harder..."
"Me make this harder? Me make this harder! You kidding me right?" he said trying to hold back this terrible feeling that was coming over him. This wasn't happening. Shit this wasn't happening. Shit! He said to himself.
"Shikamaru, please!" She was crying, now. "There are things I need to work on, things I can't--"
He stood up all of a sudden feeling a pang of anger. This was killing him. "Things like what Temari? Things like you can't fucking realize that someone actually cares about you? That you can't....you want to throw me away as if I was some sort of broken toy. I'm not a fucking toy!"
"I never said that!" she shouted, taking a step back, away from him.
"That's sure is hell what it feels like."
"I need space!" she argued. "People break up!"
He started to tremble. This wasn't happening. He kept repeating it over and over in his head, until he realized he was really crying. He turned around, his back to her.
"Shikamaru," she said, her voice calmer, quieter. She placed a hand on his shoulder. "Please. I don't want this to happen to us..."
His breath shuddered suddenly. He tried to stop, this, this ridiculous baby act. Men didn't cry...they just didn't.
"Please," she whispered. "Please don't act this way. I just have to...I don't know what's wrong with me. I have to work it out."
His voice was low, quiet, and shakey. "This hurts...." he almost said it only to himself. His voice got more choked up as he kept letting the tears fall. He clenched his fist. He couldn't get this to stop.
"I know," she said, her brows furrowed. "I know it does..."
His breath shuddered again. He couldn't look at her. If she went to touch him again, he didn't know if he could take it. Why was she doing this? He thought things were going well....or they had.
"I'm sorry." She retracted her hand, shoving them both back into her pockets.
He sat down again, gripping the side of the bench. He still couldn't look at her. He held his head down, pieces of his hair falling in his face. He wanted to disappear right now. "I....." he cleared his throat. "I thought...things were....good...." he said his eyes averted to the ground.
"We argue. We're distanced. You can't possibly think things are going the same as they were two months ago. And if you do, you're lying to yourself."
He was lying to himself. But he didn't think that it was cause for...."I didn't think.....it would cause this..." his voice was still shakey.
"What would it cause, then?" she asked him. "Enlighten me."
He held back another wave of anger and tears that was coming over him. He turned his head away looking down the street at the snow. "You....I...I love you...." he said, the tail end of the sentence distant, sad and trialing off.
"I love you, too," she whispered. "Sometimes it isn't enough."
"Then why are you doing this..." he said in a whisper.
"I have to," she told him. "I have to figure this out. I don't want to pull you down when I do."
He put his head in his hands. He didn't want to hear anymore. His chest hurt, his whole body was trembling. Could he hide yet?
"I should...I should go," she told him, taking a step back and away from him again, putting more phsyical distance between them.
He couldn't even hear her anymore. Her words toned out. As she walked away he just broke down.
Temari wiped her sleeve over her eyes, sniffing loudly. She felt like an idiot, leaking all over the place like some faucet. "Shikamaru..."
He couldn't stop. He just couldn't stop. He trembled more, buried himself further into his hands. He tried to speak, but his voice got strangled and he just thought it better not to speak.
Pained, Temari leaned forward and placed a cold hand on the back of his head, smoothing over his hair. She didn't want it to be this way.
He shuddered when she touched him, but he felt like he was there alone already. Alone with the snow, and the coldness that winter brought. He bent over more at the waist, laying his face in his arms. This was too much.
Temari covered her mouth with her hand, trying not to cry too hard. "I'm sorry," she whispered one more time, boots crunching through the snow as she finally walked away.
Breaking Benjamin - "Who Wants to Live Forever?" (Queen Cover)
Don't ask me about it.
I'm going to go smoke some pot.
The end.
Shikamaru: Temari
Temari: ?
Shikamaru: what's wrong?
Temari: nothing.
Shikamaru: hmph
Temari: what?
Shikamaru: sure there's nothing you want to tell me?
Temari: like what?
Shikamaru: anything
Temari: ...
Shikamaru: if you say so....
Temari: I didn't say anything...
Shikamaru: i...i feel like your slipping
Temari: I don't know what you mean.
Shikamaru: *sighs* nevermind...
Temari: ...fine.
Shikamaru: what are you up to?
Temari: nothing.
Temari: watching tv.
Shikamaru: sounds terribly exciting.
Temari: my life is a veritable whirlwind of excitement.
Shikamaru: sounds like it
Temari: oh yes.
Shikamaru: tv rots the brain
Temari: it calms me down
Shikamaru: what is there to calm down?
Temari: me. I just got done with a hell of a semester. I'm too wound up.
Shikamaru: if its not a problem i could be of assistance *half smiles*
Temari: what do you have in mind?
Shikamaru: hungry?
Temari: yeah, kind of
Shikamaru: want to meet me somewhere for lunch?
Temari: sure. where?
Shikamaru: what are you in the mood for?
Temari: dumplings or something super fattening like that.
Shikamaru: there's a place called lucky dragon in town
Shikamaru: has stuff like that
Temari: sounds good.
Shikamaru: see you there in five?
Temari: well maybe more like 10-15...I'm still in suna.
Shikamaru: oh ok...ill see you then
Shikamaru: ok
Temari: sounds good. see you.
* * *
Shikamaru sat by the window of the resturant. For once he was early. He was glad to have his car back. It had finished being through it's repairs earlier that day. He didn't know what was bothering Temari...but he hoped this would help her feel better.
Temari sighed, pulling the bill of her paperboy cap down lower over her eyes, her bangle bracelets chiming as the bells moved under her jacket sleeve. She spotted Shikamaru near a window at the front and made her way over, sitting down across from him at the small table. "Hi."
"Hey," he said, giving her a small smile. Something was definatly different, he just couldn't put his finger on it.
She smiled back, a small quirk of her lips, and she took her hat off, running her fingers absently through her waves, separating them. She began to work on her coat, next, undoing the buttons as she spoke. "How's your day been?"
"School, tests, home, sleep. You know the usual."
She made a small sound, removing her coat and hanging it over the back of her chair. Immediately she reached for her menu, poring over it like it was the next Pulitzer prize winner.
His brows went flat as he watched her. He drummed his fingers lightly on the table, pausing before he spoke "Not in a talkative mood I see..."
She shrugged, not looking up. "Just hungry," she told him.
"Okay," he drew out. He glanced at his menu then then pushed it away. He wasn't that hungry but he'd go with some pasta. Something that would fill you up fast, so he wouldn't have to think about eating after a few bites.
Temari glanced up quickly, eyebrow raised under her bangs. "You okay?" she asked.
"Fine. I already know what to get..." he said starting to drum his fingers on the table again lightly.
"Fine," she echoed, lifting a hand up quickly to signal a waiter as she set her own menu down.
The waiter took his time, finally coming over to thier table. "What do you want?" he said sarcastically, as if he didn't want to be there. Shikamaru rolled his eyes, and held back a slight growl.
Temari placed her order very curtly, spearing the water with a glare that would put even the most hardened criminal in his place, and informed him that he should hurry next time.
Shikamaru gave his order with a flat, annoyed voice. He then turned his head away and looked out the window at the snow.
"Why does it keep snowing here?" Temari asked quietly, complaining as she crossed her arms against her chest.
"It always snows like this," he said in a distant voice looking out at it still.
"It's annoying."
He still didn't look back to her as he spoke, as if he was in another world in his mind. "I know...it's not suna...but...snow can be nice sometimes...."
"It's cold and wet," she continued, rubbing her hands over her arms. "It makes my fingers hurt."
"It's like a big cloud" he said.
She sniffed slightly, looking out of the window but saying nothing.
He laughed lightly as he remembered when he was little and his dad would wrap him up with this ridiculous hoodie that looked like a deer. He actually was starting to miss the old goat.
Temari turned to look at him. "What?" she asked curiously.
He turned back and shook his head. "Nothing" he chuckled. "Just remembering something..."
"Ah." She looked down at the table, then, picking at her napkin.
"I'm actually starting to miss the old man..." he said lightly.
"I think that's a sign to get your head checked," she replied, glancing up at him.
"Maybe Chouji's drugs are having a bigger affect than I thought"
"Stop taking things from him," she told Shikamaru vehemently. "I don't like the idea of him drugging you."
"I already got on him about this. I'm the one that's the walking zombie here..."
She frowned slightly. "Fine. I just want to make sure."
"Well I'm ok....ok?" he said looking at her concerned.
She nodded, closing the subject without another word, going back to her napkin.
As their food finally arrived Shikamaru could only stare at his plate. He really wasn't that hungry.
"Eat," Temari told him, her chopsticks pushing around the food on her plate.
He sighed and complied, taking a few bites. He shoved it around a bit then took a few more bites. Repeating the same process.
"Don't act like it's too good," she said flatly, eating as she always did - putting a lot into her mouth and fast.
He shoveled in some more leaving at least little than half his plate left. He sat back and stared at the leftover noodles. He just couldn't eat.
Placing her chopsticks down, Temari swallowed and looked over at Shikamaru. "What's up?"
He pushed his plate away. "Just not so hungry as I thought" he said resting his elbow on the table and propping his chin in his hand watching as she continued to eat.
She sighed. "Fine," she told him, "make me feel like a glutton..."
He smiled at her. "I'm trying to do no such thing.."
"Whatever," she told him, rolling her eyes as she continued to shovel food.
"Want mine?" he said smiling at her sweetly.
"No!" she practically screeched, staring at him. "Are you crazy? You're trying to get me fat, aren't you?"
"No I am not. I have a feeling Chouji's trying to make me fat..."
"Uh-huh," she replied, finishing up her plate and placing her chopsticks down on the table.
He chuckled slightly and smiled at her again.
"What?" she asked him, looking slightly uncomfortable under his stare.
He looked down and folded his napkin from his lap up. Looking down he just smiled. "You just look cute is all..." he said quietly.
She scratched the back of her head, looking down. "Whatever," she mumbled. "I got ready in, like, five minutes."
"So did I," he said, placing his napkin up on the table. He stood up for a second, pausing before walking away from the table. "Be right back" he said heading off to the bathroom.
Temari sighed, watching him go through half-lidded eyes as she leaned back in her seat, her thumbs hooked on the beltloops on her jeans. She felt tired. Cold. She wasn't sure what it was.
He walked into the bathroom to the sink. He splashed some cold water on his face. Things were strange, he could feel it, he just didn't know what to think of it. He stared at himself in the mirror for a minute before walking back out to the table. Once there he sat back down slowley and with a slight sigh.
"Ready?" he asked.
She glanced up from under the bill of her hat. "Yeah." Standing, she grabbed her jacket and threw it on, buttoning it up slowly.
He kissed her lightly on the cheek and walked up to the counter to pay, for both of them.
"I wish you wouldn't do that," she said from behind him, her hands shoved into the pockets of her coat.
Moving away from the counter he started to walk out with her. "Why is it such a big deal? If I sometimes would like to..." he said flatly.
"I work so I can support myself," she told him, walking first through the door and out into the cold. "That's the only reason why I haven't quit my job yet."
He watched her, his brows narrowing as she walked out before him. He grabbed her hand lightly and pulled her to him so she was facing him. He looked at her for a moment and then kissed her. He wasn't big on public displays, especially of affection; but he felt like it at the moment.
She pulled back, her hand on his chest. "What are you doing?" she hissed, looking at him as if he'd lost some logical part of his brain.
Did he really know what he was doing? Or why. No. In fact it probably just made the elders go wide-eyed and have something to gossip about. "Just kiss me..." he said softly and quietly, his words almost pleading.
"Why?" she replied, eyebrows going up. "Do you need to prove something?"
His hand raised to her cheek. The back of his fingers gracefully rubbing over it. "No, I just want to kiss you..." he said his voice getting softer. He felt like he needed to hang on. Pull her closer. Why he didn't know.
"Why?" she asked, her voice strained and her brow furrowed. She didn't know why she kept up this questioning. She wasn't really sure of any of her actions lately. She decided not to think about them and just act on them.
"To be sure you're here...." he said just above a whisper. He leaned down and took her lips in his, kissing her with as much emotion as he could.
Temari's fingers dug into the front of his coat, bunching the fabric under her hand as she kissed him. She pulled away prematurely - she knew she did, but she coldn't help but feel uncomfortable standing in front of a restaurant and kissing like this.
"My place?" he said somewhat breathy.
"Can we just walk for a while?" she asked him, flipping her collar up to cover her neck. "I've been inside too much this past week..."
"Okay," he said quietly. Her words hurting somewhat. She never used to turn down that before. And he thought she hated the cold? He was confused now, but he hid it. His heart wasn't jumping a mile a minute out of joy like it usually was. He felt...detatched? He brought his head down a little looking at the snow on the ground as they walked, his hands in his pockets.
Temari slid her hand out of her pocket, tucking it into Shikamaru's elbow tenatively, her shoulder hitting his. She glanced over at him, but he was looking down, so she just looked back at her feet, watching her boots leave heavy prints in the snow.
He sighed slightly and pulled out his hand from his pocket, taking her hand in his. He squeezed her hand gently and kept holding it as if she would dissapear.
She kept herself close to him, their arms bumping every once in a while as their steps went off-beat, glancing over at him every few moments when he wasn't looking.
He sighed again looking off to the distance, his hand still entwined with hers. He felt so confused at the moment and didn't know what to do. He wanted to hold her, hug her, kiss her...anything that would tell him she was really there.
"You're not mad at me, are you?" Temari asked him bluntly, her voice quiet.
He paused from walking. His thumb lightly running over her knuckles. "No," he said lightly, the two pieces of hair falling in his face.
"I'm sorry," she apologized, the words slipping easily from her mouth, like butter over a skillet. When did she become so apologetic? When did she become this shell of her former self?
He looked down again. "For what?" he asked. They were so close, but at such a distance. He felt his heart drop and a pain in his stomach. The last time he felt this bad was when...his mind paused. When she said she didn't love him. His face dropped with the thought as he looked back out to the bare trees ahead of them.
"I...I don't know. I'm making you hurt. I'm sorry."
He smiled slightly. "I'm fine," he lied.
She smiled, a cold expression. "No, you're not."
He paused from walking again, his hand loosing slightly on the grip on hers. His head was starting to hurt again. "What do you want me to say?" he said quietly.
"I don't want you to say anything," she replied. "I just want to know what's happening."
His throat felt tight. He felt like his words were caught, just like his thoughts. He felt like he was caught in a dream. In another place in time, trapped that he couldn't get out of. He shook his head. "I don't know Temari..." he held back the sting of tears that he wanted to fall.
"Will you tell me?" she asked him quietly. "If something's wrong?"
"How do I do that, when I don't even know myself..." he said quietly. "I just...feel....this distance" he said sighing with his voice trailing off. He looked off again. He didn't want to show that he was getting so upset for some reason. Why was he getting so bothered?
"Why won't you look at me?" Temari was studying his profile, trying to read him, but she couldn't if she couldn't see his face. He'd barely looked at her all afternoon and it was bothering her.
He turned facing her now, his head still looking down. If he looked up at her, would he cry? He didn't know. He looked up, trying to hold back and keep his emotions in check.
Her fingers reached up, the cold making them almost numb, and she touched his forehead lightly, then his cheek. "Why can't you look at me?" she asked, her voice caught in her throat.
His voice was caught. When he tried to speak it was shakey. He looked at her, eyes drawn with deep emotion. His mind all over the place with thoughts. "Because you're slipping..." he said just above a whisper.
"And you're not trying to catch me," she answered, her voice just as quiet as she swept her bangs away from her eyes with her hand, bringing it back to her own body as she shoved it into her pocket.
"What...what do you mean? I'm right here..." he stammared.
"So am I," she told him quietly. "I've always been here. But you say there's distance. What have you done to close it, Shikamaru?"
"...." his voice was stuck again "I thought I had been..."
She sighed, looking away and off into the wooded area they were next to. "You've changed, Shikamaru."
His brows furrowed in confusion. "What?" he said lightly.
"You're not the same anymore," she continued, her voice still quiet. "Your confidence has dropped considerably. You look to others for approval."
"Me? Your talking about when you flipped out the other day?"
She sighed. She'd rather not remember that. "No, I'm not. I'm talking about in the last few months."
He snubbed his nose in the air. "Hmph. I don't know what you mean."
"Of course you don't," she replied testily.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"You're not in touch with yourself. You have no idea what's going on, do you? You're always second-guessing yourself."
"What?" He said feeling offended. Where was this coming from all of a sudden. "What the hell?"
She rolled her eyes, taking a step back. "I'm not out of line, here. I know what I'm talking about."
"Oh so you do do you? All of a sudden the expert about everything I do," he said hastily.
She rolled her eyes. "I never said that and you know it. You don't notice yourself having to question everything?"
"No I don't. I just see everyone coming down on me like I'm some sort of science project. And when I do question it's because everything is being made so difficult." Shit was he even making sense? This was making him nervous.
"If I make everything so difficult, then why are you still here?"
"What the fuck kind of question is that?" he said his brows furrowing. This conversation was going bad fast.
"I don't know," she told him flippantly, "maybe you should figure it out for yourself instead of asking me every time I say something what I mean."
"Where are you getting at?" he asked suddenly feeling a sickness in his stomach.
"Goddamnit, Shikamaru!" She pulled her hands out of her pockets, crossing her arms against her chest. "Do you see now what I'm saying? You can't even come to a conclusion on your own anymore. I feel like I barely know you."
He looked at her, hurt. What the hell was going on? Why were they fighting like this? Why the hell could he not stop questioning things. Shit this was bad.
She shook her head, the wind hurting her eyes. "You can't even say anything!"
"I don't know what the hell to say!" he said back frustrated.
She nodded. "I see. You don't even want to defend yourself? You agree with everything I've just said, then."
"I don't know Temari! Shit I don't know..." He sat down on a nearby bench and sat crossing his arms.
"I should leave," Temari said quietly, her arms dropping to her sides.
He tugged at one of her arms, trying to get her to sit down. "Temari...don't..."
"Don't what?" she snapped, looking at him. "Don't what, Shikamaru?"
"Don't be like this."
"I can't do this anymore," she told him. "Let go of my arm, okay?"
He suddenly felt weak, numb, his heart broke. "Can't do what anymore? This conversation...or..." he couldn't get it out. He couldn't even say it. The thought was starting to make his head hurt. She couldn't mean.....that.
She shook her head again, her throat tight. "No, I mean...I mean this, Shikamaru. Us. I just can't...I need to spend some time alone, okay? Just let me go..."
He suddenly felt really dizzy. His eyes watered and he didn't even realize it. His heart started to race. "Why are you doing this Temari?" he asked weakly. His eyes searched around.
"I have to," she told him, her mouth dry. It was getting difficult for her to speak. "Please, don't make this harder..."
"Me make this harder? Me make this harder! You kidding me right?" he said trying to hold back this terrible feeling that was coming over him. This wasn't happening. Shit this wasn't happening. Shit! He said to himself.
"Shikamaru, please!" She was crying, now. "There are things I need to work on, things I can't--"
He stood up all of a sudden feeling a pang of anger. This was killing him. "Things like what Temari? Things like you can't fucking realize that someone actually cares about you? That you can't....you want to throw me away as if I was some sort of broken toy. I'm not a fucking toy!"
"I never said that!" she shouted, taking a step back, away from him.
"That's sure is hell what it feels like."
"I need space!" she argued. "People break up!"
He started to tremble. This wasn't happening. He kept repeating it over and over in his head, until he realized he was really crying. He turned around, his back to her.
"Shikamaru," she said, her voice calmer, quieter. She placed a hand on his shoulder. "Please. I don't want this to happen to us..."
His breath shuddered suddenly. He tried to stop, this, this ridiculous baby act. Men didn't cry...they just didn't.
"Please," she whispered. "Please don't act this way. I just have to...I don't know what's wrong with me. I have to work it out."
His voice was low, quiet, and shakey. "This hurts...." he almost said it only to himself. His voice got more choked up as he kept letting the tears fall. He clenched his fist. He couldn't get this to stop.
"I know," she said, her brows furrowed. "I know it does..."
His breath shuddered again. He couldn't look at her. If she went to touch him again, he didn't know if he could take it. Why was she doing this? He thought things were going well....or they had.
"I'm sorry." She retracted her hand, shoving them both back into her pockets.
He sat down again, gripping the side of the bench. He still couldn't look at her. He held his head down, pieces of his hair falling in his face. He wanted to disappear right now. "I....." he cleared his throat. "I thought...things were....good...." he said his eyes averted to the ground.
"We argue. We're distanced. You can't possibly think things are going the same as they were two months ago. And if you do, you're lying to yourself."
He was lying to himself. But he didn't think that it was cause for...."I didn't think.....it would cause this..." his voice was still shakey.
"What would it cause, then?" she asked him. "Enlighten me."
He held back another wave of anger and tears that was coming over him. He turned his head away looking down the street at the snow. "You....I...I love you...." he said, the tail end of the sentence distant, sad and trialing off.
"I love you, too," she whispered. "Sometimes it isn't enough."
"Then why are you doing this..." he said in a whisper.
"I have to," she told him. "I have to figure this out. I don't want to pull you down when I do."
He put his head in his hands. He didn't want to hear anymore. His chest hurt, his whole body was trembling. Could he hide yet?
"I should...I should go," she told him, taking a step back and away from him again, putting more phsyical distance between them.
He couldn't even hear her anymore. Her words toned out. As she walked away he just broke down.
Temari wiped her sleeve over her eyes, sniffing loudly. She felt like an idiot, leaking all over the place like some faucet. "Shikamaru..."
He couldn't stop. He just couldn't stop. He trembled more, buried himself further into his hands. He tried to speak, but his voice got strangled and he just thought it better not to speak.
Pained, Temari leaned forward and placed a cold hand on the back of his head, smoothing over his hair. She didn't want it to be this way.
He shuddered when she touched him, but he felt like he was there alone already. Alone with the snow, and the coldness that winter brought. He bent over more at the waist, laying his face in his arms. This was too much.
Temari covered her mouth with her hand, trying not to cry too hard. "I'm sorry," she whispered one more time, boots crunching through the snow as she finally walked away.
Breaking Benjamin - "Who Wants to Live Forever?" (Queen Cover)