(no subject)
i swear since i stopped posting on xanga things in my head have been so weird.
its like i left a part of my life behind.
but i needed to grow up and leave it alone..
i dont think its working. at least not like i planned it. but what the hell in my life goes how i plan it?
so that ones solved.
ok heres a good one. what is with all these people dying??
its not fair.
irony sucks. i wrote her an email that friday because i wanted to come visit the next monday or tuesday or something.
yeah, that wasnt a good feeling.
i really thought gary was joking because alex is dating caleb. i really didnt believe him. crying in movie theatres is tacky.. ugh.
a memorial service is not the ideal way to reconnect with people you havent seen in a year or longer.
and its hard to watch the people you looked like they were your world hurt so badly. i was ok until thom got up to speak. tommy, my confidant, my sparring partner, my baby, the brilliant actor couldnt even keep his composure. thats not supposed to happen. people arent supposed to impact each other so much and then just disappeat and leave us with no recourse.
theres so much going on in my head that i have no idea what to do with. i dont even know where to start.
and look at me being all big and brave and going back to school today to say goodbye. yeah right. its just one more way to cement the fact that i cant make myself grow up and leave.
its not fair! i didnt figure out how to do highschool - or life really - until it was too late. i want a second chance!
now im being selfish. this is stupid. i can go for such a long time and be ok. but im really not ok.. im just not thinking about any of this. i swear i cant remember the last time i was genuinely happy. oh wait yes i do. it was my senior prom dancing with chad. yeah, that was a year and 1/2 ago. i didnt know someone could fake it for this long.
i mean there are times when i dont fake it and that's nice too.
but ive never faked it this long before. i havent had to.
im stuck and that scares me.
its like i left a part of my life behind.
but i needed to grow up and leave it alone..
i dont think its working. at least not like i planned it. but what the hell in my life goes how i plan it?
so that ones solved.
ok heres a good one. what is with all these people dying??
its not fair.
irony sucks. i wrote her an email that friday because i wanted to come visit the next monday or tuesday or something.
yeah, that wasnt a good feeling.
i really thought gary was joking because alex is dating caleb. i really didnt believe him. crying in movie theatres is tacky.. ugh.
a memorial service is not the ideal way to reconnect with people you havent seen in a year or longer.
and its hard to watch the people you looked like they were your world hurt so badly. i was ok until thom got up to speak. tommy, my confidant, my sparring partner, my baby, the brilliant actor couldnt even keep his composure. thats not supposed to happen. people arent supposed to impact each other so much and then just disappeat and leave us with no recourse.
theres so much going on in my head that i have no idea what to do with. i dont even know where to start.
and look at me being all big and brave and going back to school today to say goodbye. yeah right. its just one more way to cement the fact that i cant make myself grow up and leave.
its not fair! i didnt figure out how to do highschool - or life really - until it was too late. i want a second chance!
now im being selfish. this is stupid. i can go for such a long time and be ok. but im really not ok.. im just not thinking about any of this. i swear i cant remember the last time i was genuinely happy. oh wait yes i do. it was my senior prom dancing with chad. yeah, that was a year and 1/2 ago. i didnt know someone could fake it for this long.
i mean there are times when i dont fake it and that's nice too.
but ive never faked it this long before. i havent had to.
im stuck and that scares me.