Naruto Drabble: Artificial Means
Just a funny little drabble for those of you who are amused by such things. Nothing fancy here. The songs are real and copyright to their authors. :) nezumiko did check this over. I wrote it a while ago and I honestly can't remember if I made the necessary corrections or not. If I haven't, please forgive me, I'll correct whatever you point out. Bad case of mommy brain here.
Artificial Means
Words and Music by Christine Lavin/Flip-A-Jig
Music ASCAP & Happy Valley Music BMI
Copyright 1986, Palindrome Records, Philo
http://www.christinelavin.com/00113011artificialmeans.html
Kakashi would have opted to go home and sleep off the mission, but no one else wanted to and Gai had some how managed to convince him to go drinking with the rest of the Jounin. He wonder how Gai managed to do that every single time. Genma had helped, the sebon sucking bastard. The canteen had served enough grub to fill a hole, but nothing particularly appetizing and no alcohol was allowed to be served. How they managed to collect so many jounin and anbu operatives on their way to one of the larger bars with the latest hours in Konoha, he would never know.
They could hear the bar from almost a block away. It sounded a bit like a party was going on in there. The noise was quite loud and down right boistrous sounding. A band was playing so the place was going to be packed. Kakashi's already strained nerves were pushed to the limit by the very thought of such a large crowd. This was so not his scene. Perhaps if he could slip away no one would notice. Slowing he moved closer to the back of the pack only to be caught by Asuma and Kurenai. Evil, evil Kunochi, why did she have to bend Asuma to her will?
Kakashi pouted slightly behind his black mask at having been pressed into joining the regular barflies. Kurenai gave him a look. Caught again. The jounin crowded into the bar only to find the noise had not been from a band as they had half expected. It also wasn't quite as packed as he had thought it would be from the music that carried so well.
Genma got them all a nice table not far from the very noisy party that they could all crowd around and go for munchies at. They ordered their drinks and a few snacks. The noise makers didn't even bother to pay them any attention, but they seemed half toasted already. It was hokage-sama's office crew. It seemed they were throwing a birthday party for Izumo-san although it looked like the confetti had been made out of poorly written mission reports.
The bar staff was looking at the revelers with a sort of amused patience that said a bit about what sort of hang over they would have in the morning. The music had barely broken up for a little bit as they argued over who was paying for the next round and what to sing next. It was strangely enough that annoyingly innocent looking academy teacher who was arguing that some one had to buy him another beer before he would sing whatever song it was that they all wanted him to play and they had to sing with him.
It took a bit of haggling, but they did manage to get the uptight seeming chuunin sensei to agree to play whatever it was. Kakashi wasn't really paying attention as his drink had arrived along with half the munchies they had ordered. Genma and Gai were looking ready to devour the lot of them before Kakashi could finish his first stealth drinking jutsu. Can't have that. Kakashi swiped several for his plate just to get them to a protected area rather then scarfing them down that quickly for once. He was way too tired to be bothering with that.
"Am I mistaken in thinking Hokage-sama is going to be a bit annoyed about not being the only one with a hang over tomorrow?" Kurenai snickered.
"Probably not, unless she gave that lot the day off tomorrow." Genma smirked, "I didn't realize Iruka-sensei could play though. He must be really well lit."
Kotetsu hooted loudly and yelled, "You have your beer you bastard, now play the fricking song." The chuunin looked both agrivated and delighted.
"Fine, fine, let me drink some of it first you idiot." Iruka sniped back before knocking back half his glass. "Do you remember the base line?"
"Vaguely," was Kotetsu's response with a shrug as he pulled up another guitar into his lap.
"Good enough, how about the words?" Iruka asked and then drained a little more of his drink. He gave his friend a very mischievous grin.
"Well enough to fake it," the other chuunin smirked.
"Alright, happy birthday Izumo." the academy teacher grinned at the other office worker before starting to play. Whatever he was playing wasn't anything like the previous songs that could be belted out by a crowd easily. It wasn't that Kotetsu and Izumo weren't trying, it was the lyrics.
Oh Johnny and Janie were the perfect married couple,
But not in bed.
Oh, They tried takin' drugs, how-to books, even Dr. Ruth,
But for all intents and purposes their love life was dead.
'Til one day Janie went over to the Pink Pussycat Boutique
She bought a long cylindrical thing
Now Janie is smiling, Johnny is not
Every night you can hear him sing
Kakashi felt his mouth fall open in shock. The sweet innocent looking chuunin was singing about what? Ribald was a good word for it. Sweet kami, if his students could hear him, he'd never live it down. He snapped his jaw closed and tried to carefully drink his sake without spitting any.
He says "Our love is being kept alive by Artificial Means
You've grown emotionally attached to that little pink machine
Our relationship is not as healthy as it seems
'Cause our love is being kept alive by Artificial Means"
Oh Johnny went down to the barroom
He bought one drink he bought two he bought three
Oh he moaned to the bartender the state of his married life
Bartender said "hey bud, just listen to me"
So Johnny went over to the Pink Pussycat Boutique
He bought a plastic blow up doll
Now Johnny is smiling, Janie is not,
She is angry, she is jealous, she's appalled
Gai was sporting a bloody nose behind a napkin. Genma had dropped his sebon into his drink and was stirring it speculatively. Asuma was trying not to laugh. Kurenai was blushing, but a lot less shocked. Kakashi had to wonder just what the kunochi knew about this crew.
At the other table, Shizune and Suzume were drinking and singing along, somewhat badly between bouts of laughter. Kotetsu somehow managed to keep up with Iruka in a harmony.
The birthday boy was bleeding from the nose as well and grinning like an idiot. He was loud, but on key, so perhaps he was forgivable. Kakashi was wondering how many times they must have sung the song to be able to keep up with the teacher. He was very amused by the new insight into his team's original teacher.
Asuma blinked a few times as the song finished and the chuunins dissolved into laughter. "Did I just hear Iruka sensei singing about sex toys?" he asked incredulously.
"Hai, and unless I miss my guess Izumo-san just finished recording the whole thing." Genma grinned at him. "I want a copy."
"You would." Kurenai smirked. "Some one should give a copy to Jiriaya-sama. Might make for a better plot for one of those books of yours Kakashi."
"As an omake, you mean. I can't picture him listening to that with a straight face." Kakashi replied, glad no one had caught him doing a guppy impression.
"Suzume-san, what is your facination with anal beads about anyway? They aren't that great." Iruka snarked at the older teacher.
"Oh I don't know, the prospect of keeping some one of the edge for so long and then being completely evil and slipping them out one at a time without letting them off that cliff sounds rather appealing. It sounds like a whole lot more fun then that utter rot I get to teach the pre-gennin kunochi anyway," she replied with a shrug.
"Anything is better then teaching prepubescent kids the basics of sex ed or how to be bait." Iruka shot back.
"Ee, but you wouldn't believe the sorts of things we've removed from people's oraffices. I'd be glad to find just a set of beads for once." Shizune winced. "Would you believe I had to remove a beer bottle last week?"
"Kinky, but that's what you get for being a medic-nin." Izumo grinned at her. Shizune threw her empty bottle at him.
"Hey, none of that!" Kotetsu yelped, "They'll throw us out for that." Suzume disarmed the other kunochi who had grabbed her unfinished bottle.
"I'm drinking that." Suzume griped good naturedly.
"Oi, feel like giving the jounin something worth listening to? Our missions sucked." Genma called over to the rowdy bunch.
"Ano, it'll cost you." Izumo grinned back. "Send some of that our way and we'll see about the jounin theme song." Kotetsu and Iruka were snickering into their drinks at Izumo's suggestion. Kakashi was pretty much expecting it to be bad.
"They don't need the gennin theme song." Kotetsu laughed shooting a look at the jounin table. Now, I'm curious. Kakashi arched an eyebrow at them and noticed Asuma and Gai doing much the same.
"Aw, but it is hysterical and at least I'm not banned from playing it like that one song Sandaime-sama hated." Iruka pouted. Damn, no grown man should look that cute while pouting like a child. Kakashi shifted in his seat.
"He really banned you from playing that one?" Suzume blinked and asked looking a bit stunned.
"Told me that if he caught me playing it in any public setting, I'd be up on charges for whatever; violating good order and discipline or something. Musically he loved it, but the lyrics..." the teacher shrugged around his guitar and knocked back the last of his beer.
"What are the lyrics like if was bad enough for him to ban it?" Asuma asked gruffly curious. Kakashi couldn't imagine anything phasing the old man to the point where he would want to ban a song.
"Um, well... It depends on how you take the lyrics. It isn't that bad, just the way it is performed... I don't know how to explain it, but it was more then enough to make Ibiki-san flinch." Suzume offered.
"Three part male harmony with one or two guitars. The tone is rather haunting. Supposedly causes torture flashbacks in people who don't break under the strain." Kotetsu tossed off. "Damn beautiful song too."
"Any way," Iruka was changing the subject, Kakashi wondered even more about that, "The gennin theme song just makes fun of every fairy tale out there. As if anyone looks good at the end of a rescue mission," the chuunin snorted dirersively. "Besides, it is fun to play."
"You just like making fun of pre-gennin kunochi wannabies." Suzume jibed.
"You blame me? You're even worse," the teachers sniped. The pair started passing sarcastic comments on their students and their fellow teachers' habits.
"Please don't get started on that again." Izumo sighed, "We don't want to know which of you has the worst set of hell raisers and unholy deviants."
"They do that often?" Gai asked sounding perplexed.
"If there wasn't a policy that the teachers lounge and the grounds be regularly searched for alcohol, you'd find more empties there then you do in the Hokage tower." Izumo groaned. "Oi, knock it off. Play "Unwell" and we can pretend it fits present company." He tried to take a swipe at Iruka.
"No thanks, I'd rather not insult present company when they can kick my ass without even trying." Iruka ducked.
"Nice vote of confidence there." Kurenai drawled only to have the younger nin throw a rude gesture in her direction. "How about you play "My Stupid Mouth" isn't that supposed to be the theme song for smart asses?"
"Only on a good day." Iruka laugh and started to play.
Artificial Means
Words and Music by Christine Lavin/Flip-A-Jig
Music ASCAP & Happy Valley Music BMI
Copyright 1986, Palindrome Records, Philo
http://www.christinelavin.com/00113011artificialmeans.html
Kakashi would have opted to go home and sleep off the mission, but no one else wanted to and Gai had some how managed to convince him to go drinking with the rest of the Jounin. He wonder how Gai managed to do that every single time. Genma had helped, the sebon sucking bastard. The canteen had served enough grub to fill a hole, but nothing particularly appetizing and no alcohol was allowed to be served. How they managed to collect so many jounin and anbu operatives on their way to one of the larger bars with the latest hours in Konoha, he would never know.
They could hear the bar from almost a block away. It sounded a bit like a party was going on in there. The noise was quite loud and down right boistrous sounding. A band was playing so the place was going to be packed. Kakashi's already strained nerves were pushed to the limit by the very thought of such a large crowd. This was so not his scene. Perhaps if he could slip away no one would notice. Slowing he moved closer to the back of the pack only to be caught by Asuma and Kurenai. Evil, evil Kunochi, why did she have to bend Asuma to her will?
Kakashi pouted slightly behind his black mask at having been pressed into joining the regular barflies. Kurenai gave him a look. Caught again. The jounin crowded into the bar only to find the noise had not been from a band as they had half expected. It also wasn't quite as packed as he had thought it would be from the music that carried so well.
Genma got them all a nice table not far from the very noisy party that they could all crowd around and go for munchies at. They ordered their drinks and a few snacks. The noise makers didn't even bother to pay them any attention, but they seemed half toasted already. It was hokage-sama's office crew. It seemed they were throwing a birthday party for Izumo-san although it looked like the confetti had been made out of poorly written mission reports.
The bar staff was looking at the revelers with a sort of amused patience that said a bit about what sort of hang over they would have in the morning. The music had barely broken up for a little bit as they argued over who was paying for the next round and what to sing next. It was strangely enough that annoyingly innocent looking academy teacher who was arguing that some one had to buy him another beer before he would sing whatever song it was that they all wanted him to play and they had to sing with him.
It took a bit of haggling, but they did manage to get the uptight seeming chuunin sensei to agree to play whatever it was. Kakashi wasn't really paying attention as his drink had arrived along with half the munchies they had ordered. Genma and Gai were looking ready to devour the lot of them before Kakashi could finish his first stealth drinking jutsu. Can't have that. Kakashi swiped several for his plate just to get them to a protected area rather then scarfing them down that quickly for once. He was way too tired to be bothering with that.
"Am I mistaken in thinking Hokage-sama is going to be a bit annoyed about not being the only one with a hang over tomorrow?" Kurenai snickered.
"Probably not, unless she gave that lot the day off tomorrow." Genma smirked, "I didn't realize Iruka-sensei could play though. He must be really well lit."
Kotetsu hooted loudly and yelled, "You have your beer you bastard, now play the fricking song." The chuunin looked both agrivated and delighted.
"Fine, fine, let me drink some of it first you idiot." Iruka sniped back before knocking back half his glass. "Do you remember the base line?"
"Vaguely," was Kotetsu's response with a shrug as he pulled up another guitar into his lap.
"Good enough, how about the words?" Iruka asked and then drained a little more of his drink. He gave his friend a very mischievous grin.
"Well enough to fake it," the other chuunin smirked.
"Alright, happy birthday Izumo." the academy teacher grinned at the other office worker before starting to play. Whatever he was playing wasn't anything like the previous songs that could be belted out by a crowd easily. It wasn't that Kotetsu and Izumo weren't trying, it was the lyrics.
Oh Johnny and Janie were the perfect married couple,
But not in bed.
Oh, They tried takin' drugs, how-to books, even Dr. Ruth,
But for all intents and purposes their love life was dead.
'Til one day Janie went over to the Pink Pussycat Boutique
She bought a long cylindrical thing
Now Janie is smiling, Johnny is not
Every night you can hear him sing
Kakashi felt his mouth fall open in shock. The sweet innocent looking chuunin was singing about what? Ribald was a good word for it. Sweet kami, if his students could hear him, he'd never live it down. He snapped his jaw closed and tried to carefully drink his sake without spitting any.
He says "Our love is being kept alive by Artificial Means
You've grown emotionally attached to that little pink machine
Our relationship is not as healthy as it seems
'Cause our love is being kept alive by Artificial Means"
Oh Johnny went down to the barroom
He bought one drink he bought two he bought three
Oh he moaned to the bartender the state of his married life
Bartender said "hey bud, just listen to me"
So Johnny went over to the Pink Pussycat Boutique
He bought a plastic blow up doll
Now Johnny is smiling, Janie is not,
She is angry, she is jealous, she's appalled
Gai was sporting a bloody nose behind a napkin. Genma had dropped his sebon into his drink and was stirring it speculatively. Asuma was trying not to laugh. Kurenai was blushing, but a lot less shocked. Kakashi had to wonder just what the kunochi knew about this crew.
At the other table, Shizune and Suzume were drinking and singing along, somewhat badly between bouts of laughter. Kotetsu somehow managed to keep up with Iruka in a harmony.
The birthday boy was bleeding from the nose as well and grinning like an idiot. He was loud, but on key, so perhaps he was forgivable. Kakashi was wondering how many times they must have sung the song to be able to keep up with the teacher. He was very amused by the new insight into his team's original teacher.
Asuma blinked a few times as the song finished and the chuunins dissolved into laughter. "Did I just hear Iruka sensei singing about sex toys?" he asked incredulously.
"Hai, and unless I miss my guess Izumo-san just finished recording the whole thing." Genma grinned at him. "I want a copy."
"You would." Kurenai smirked. "Some one should give a copy to Jiriaya-sama. Might make for a better plot for one of those books of yours Kakashi."
"As an omake, you mean. I can't picture him listening to that with a straight face." Kakashi replied, glad no one had caught him doing a guppy impression.
"Suzume-san, what is your facination with anal beads about anyway? They aren't that great." Iruka snarked at the older teacher.
"Oh I don't know, the prospect of keeping some one of the edge for so long and then being completely evil and slipping them out one at a time without letting them off that cliff sounds rather appealing. It sounds like a whole lot more fun then that utter rot I get to teach the pre-gennin kunochi anyway," she replied with a shrug.
"Anything is better then teaching prepubescent kids the basics of sex ed or how to be bait." Iruka shot back.
"Ee, but you wouldn't believe the sorts of things we've removed from people's oraffices. I'd be glad to find just a set of beads for once." Shizune winced. "Would you believe I had to remove a beer bottle last week?"
"Kinky, but that's what you get for being a medic-nin." Izumo grinned at her. Shizune threw her empty bottle at him.
"Hey, none of that!" Kotetsu yelped, "They'll throw us out for that." Suzume disarmed the other kunochi who had grabbed her unfinished bottle.
"I'm drinking that." Suzume griped good naturedly.
"Oi, feel like giving the jounin something worth listening to? Our missions sucked." Genma called over to the rowdy bunch.
"Ano, it'll cost you." Izumo grinned back. "Send some of that our way and we'll see about the jounin theme song." Kotetsu and Iruka were snickering into their drinks at Izumo's suggestion. Kakashi was pretty much expecting it to be bad.
"They don't need the gennin theme song." Kotetsu laughed shooting a look at the jounin table. Now, I'm curious. Kakashi arched an eyebrow at them and noticed Asuma and Gai doing much the same.
"Aw, but it is hysterical and at least I'm not banned from playing it like that one song Sandaime-sama hated." Iruka pouted. Damn, no grown man should look that cute while pouting like a child. Kakashi shifted in his seat.
"He really banned you from playing that one?" Suzume blinked and asked looking a bit stunned.
"Told me that if he caught me playing it in any public setting, I'd be up on charges for whatever; violating good order and discipline or something. Musically he loved it, but the lyrics..." the teacher shrugged around his guitar and knocked back the last of his beer.
"What are the lyrics like if was bad enough for him to ban it?" Asuma asked gruffly curious. Kakashi couldn't imagine anything phasing the old man to the point where he would want to ban a song.
"Um, well... It depends on how you take the lyrics. It isn't that bad, just the way it is performed... I don't know how to explain it, but it was more then enough to make Ibiki-san flinch." Suzume offered.
"Three part male harmony with one or two guitars. The tone is rather haunting. Supposedly causes torture flashbacks in people who don't break under the strain." Kotetsu tossed off. "Damn beautiful song too."
"Any way," Iruka was changing the subject, Kakashi wondered even more about that, "The gennin theme song just makes fun of every fairy tale out there. As if anyone looks good at the end of a rescue mission," the chuunin snorted dirersively. "Besides, it is fun to play."
"You just like making fun of pre-gennin kunochi wannabies." Suzume jibed.
"You blame me? You're even worse," the teachers sniped. The pair started passing sarcastic comments on their students and their fellow teachers' habits.
"Please don't get started on that again." Izumo sighed, "We don't want to know which of you has the worst set of hell raisers and unholy deviants."
"They do that often?" Gai asked sounding perplexed.
"If there wasn't a policy that the teachers lounge and the grounds be regularly searched for alcohol, you'd find more empties there then you do in the Hokage tower." Izumo groaned. "Oi, knock it off. Play "Unwell" and we can pretend it fits present company." He tried to take a swipe at Iruka.
"No thanks, I'd rather not insult present company when they can kick my ass without even trying." Iruka ducked.
"Nice vote of confidence there." Kurenai drawled only to have the younger nin throw a rude gesture in her direction. "How about you play "My Stupid Mouth" isn't that supposed to be the theme song for smart asses?"
"Only on a good day." Iruka laugh and started to play.