Z is for Zenith
Title: Z is for Zenith
Fandom: Pretty Little Liars
Characters: Alex Drake. Mentions of Spencer, Mary, Wren, Charlotte, Toby, Ali, Aria, Hanna, Emily, Melissa.
Warnings: Spoilers for season finale, AU.
Rating: PG
Pairings: Alex/Wren, Alex/Toby (implied)
Summary: Alex finally got what she wanted. She's taken Spencer's place. So why doesn't she feel happier about it?
Who would have thought she could have come such a long way from that day in the bar when Wren Kingston had walked in and thought she was someone else?
Back then, Alex had thought that job in the bar was the best she could expect from her future. And let’s face it, after those adoptive “parents” who couldn’t handle her and dumped her in that children’s home, not even letting her keep their name, anything would be an improvement.
She’d never even thought about wanting to trace her birth family. What was the fucking point? They’d probably be just as big a disappointment as everyone else in her life so far. And even when Wren walked in and started calling her Spencer, she thought he was just some nut like the drunk guy the week before who had thought she was Rooney Mara. It was only when he’d shown her the photo of him, Spencer and Melissa together, taken a few years ago, that she’d realised he wasn’t.
The story had sounded so far fetched that it had taken a whole day before she’d believe him. Even then, she found it hard to believe sometimes. Their dad had been cheating on his wife with their aunt, and then slept with their mum thinking she was that aunt, and then Wren himself with the two half sisters? Jeremy Kyle would have a field day. They could get a whole episode of his talk show out of that family alone.
She’d asked Wren a lot of questions about Spencer, about her friends, her life. One day Wren had said that her family could be a nightmare, how they were such overachievers, and when he’d first met Spencer he’d felt quite sorry for her because they bigged Melissa up so much and Spencer had had to work so hard to keep up, but from what he understood now things were better and Spencer knew her parents were proud of her. He’d looked at Alex as though he expected her to be shocked by this, but Alex had thought that Peter and Veronica Hastings sounded like an improvement on what she’d grown up with. They cared about Melissa, and whatever Spencer thought, it sounded to Alex like they cared about her too. At least they cared if Spencer succeeded. Her adoptive parents hadn’t given a shit when they’d given her away, and Mary Drake had given even less of a shit when she sold her to them in the first place. Given the choice, she’d take Peter and Veronica. Melissa, not so much. She sounded like she had a stick up her arse. But she had another sister, one she actually wanted that relationship with.
Out of all the people Wren had mentioned, the one she really wanted to get to know was Charlotte. Charlotte, the other one handed over by their “mother”, the other one locked away in some dump as she had been, the one she felt a connection with before she ever even met her. Once Charlotte was part of her life, and Archer became a good friend too, and she had Wren, Alex thought she was happy with her life for the first time ever.
Until Charlotte went back to Rosewood and never came back, and Archer disappeared, and Alex knew what she had to do to avenge them.
This was it. No one was questioning Alex was who she said she was. She’d taken Spencer’s place with her family, her friends, and with Toby.
So why the hell didn’t it feel as good as Alex thought it would?
It had been easy at first. They’d all accepted her as Spencer. But it was becoming clear that she might never be able to pull it off totally. Sometimes they’d make references to something that had happened in high school, and no matter how much Alex grilled Spencer, asked her about her childhood, about things she and her friends had done so that Alex could be convincing if they came up in conversation, there was always going to be something new that Spencer hadn’t thought of in years, hadn’t told her. Wren and Charlotte had only been able to tell her so much; there were always going to be anecdotes that neither of them had known from before they met her. And yeah, it bothered her, thinking about how if Peter and Veronica Hastings had taken both of the twins home, maybe Alex would have been part of those memories too, been able to chime in with her own recollections of whatever pranks they had helped Alison play on her brother. Alex wondered how many times she could just nod and smile and wait for one of the others to fill in enough of the blank about what happened before someone picked up on just how few memories she seemed to have.
I’ll be all right, she’d told herself. The person who was most likely to pick up something like that was Spencer herself, not any of the others. Or Mona, maybe, but she’d never been close enough to them to notice. And it was true; so far no one had spotted anything. But Alex began to wonder whether that could be a negative thing. From everything Wren and Charlotte had told her about Spencer’s friends, Alex had formed a picture of these girls who were so close, would have done anything for each other. And not one of them had picked up on the fact that Alex wasn’t Spencer. If Spencer had impersonated Alex with Charlotte or Wren, would either of them have realised they weren’t dealing with Alex? Alex liked to think they would. And Spencer had even said it herself, that Alex would never pull it off, not knowing that she already had. The fact that she was pulling it off so well with the girls made her question just how tight those friendships really had been, if not one of them had noticed that they weren’t dealing with the person they had grown up with.
As for the family, she hadn’t seen a lot of her father, although she wasn’t sure that was a bad thing. And the same went for Melissa, who in a few short interactions had confirmed that Alex’s initial impression of stick up her arse was correct. Nothing like Charlotte, the one person Alex wanted to share this all with, the one person she still missed every day. But while she was around Veronica Hastings, she began to understand why Spencer hadn’t suspected in all those years that Veronica wasn’t her mother. Whatever Wren had said about how Spencer used to feel inferior to Melissa, and that Peter and Veronica Hastings treated her as such, Alex never got that vibe from Veronica, who always took an interest in how “Spencer’s” life was, always encouraged her in everything. It was more than Alex had ever had from any other mother in her life.
Mary Drake wasn’t happy about that. She’d call Alex, sometimes in the middle of the night, ranting about how she felt she’d been replaced, about how she’d been the one who’d made it possible for Alex to get that far and now she was being tossed aside like trash. Sometimes she would speak of Spencer, about how she’d never wanted this to be the way it ended and she’d wanted her daughters to be a family. “Should have thought of that before you sold me to the highest bidder,” Alex had said before hanging up. Eventually it had reached the point where Alex, fed up of hearing Mary talk about freeing Spencer, had started to wonder whether keeping Mary alive had been a mistake.
Alex was finding it harder to pretend to be Spencer, to live her life as someone else, than she ever expected. She was constantly having to memorise these obscure literary references that Spencer had been familiar with for years, and on top of the childhood memories, that got a bit much at times. Although she had never thought she would, she sometimes found herself missing being Alex, being able to have fun with her loved ones as herself without being constantly on her guard against making some screwup that would give away that she wasn’t Spencer, to participate in her own interests that were different to Spencer’s.
It was harder to keep up the pretence with Toby than with anyone else. There were times when he’d look at her, and Alex would wonder whether he knew that she wasn’t the same girl he’d loved in high school. But then he’d say something, and she’d realise he was still fooled, he still believed her to be Spencer. At first she’d feel relieved, but then there was a part of her that felt a kind of ache, seeing all that love in Toby’s eyes and knowing it wasn’t really for her, but for someone else. And although she had hated the fact that Wren would always see her as Alex, now that no one saw the real her any more, Alex was starting to miss having someone who would look into her eyes and see the person she truly was, not the person she was trying to pass herself off as.
“So I got what I wanted,” Alex whispered to her diamond necklace containing Wren’s ashes, “but I don’t know how much I want it any more. There’s a part of me that misses my old life, and the only one who’d understand that…is you.”
Fandom: Pretty Little Liars
Characters: Alex Drake. Mentions of Spencer, Mary, Wren, Charlotte, Toby, Ali, Aria, Hanna, Emily, Melissa.
Warnings: Spoilers for season finale, AU.
Rating: PG
Pairings: Alex/Wren, Alex/Toby (implied)
Summary: Alex finally got what she wanted. She's taken Spencer's place. So why doesn't she feel happier about it?
Who would have thought she could have come such a long way from that day in the bar when Wren Kingston had walked in and thought she was someone else?
Back then, Alex had thought that job in the bar was the best she could expect from her future. And let’s face it, after those adoptive “parents” who couldn’t handle her and dumped her in that children’s home, not even letting her keep their name, anything would be an improvement.
She’d never even thought about wanting to trace her birth family. What was the fucking point? They’d probably be just as big a disappointment as everyone else in her life so far. And even when Wren walked in and started calling her Spencer, she thought he was just some nut like the drunk guy the week before who had thought she was Rooney Mara. It was only when he’d shown her the photo of him, Spencer and Melissa together, taken a few years ago, that she’d realised he wasn’t.
The story had sounded so far fetched that it had taken a whole day before she’d believe him. Even then, she found it hard to believe sometimes. Their dad had been cheating on his wife with their aunt, and then slept with their mum thinking she was that aunt, and then Wren himself with the two half sisters? Jeremy Kyle would have a field day. They could get a whole episode of his talk show out of that family alone.
She’d asked Wren a lot of questions about Spencer, about her friends, her life. One day Wren had said that her family could be a nightmare, how they were such overachievers, and when he’d first met Spencer he’d felt quite sorry for her because they bigged Melissa up so much and Spencer had had to work so hard to keep up, but from what he understood now things were better and Spencer knew her parents were proud of her. He’d looked at Alex as though he expected her to be shocked by this, but Alex had thought that Peter and Veronica Hastings sounded like an improvement on what she’d grown up with. They cared about Melissa, and whatever Spencer thought, it sounded to Alex like they cared about her too. At least they cared if Spencer succeeded. Her adoptive parents hadn’t given a shit when they’d given her away, and Mary Drake had given even less of a shit when she sold her to them in the first place. Given the choice, she’d take Peter and Veronica. Melissa, not so much. She sounded like she had a stick up her arse. But she had another sister, one she actually wanted that relationship with.
Out of all the people Wren had mentioned, the one she really wanted to get to know was Charlotte. Charlotte, the other one handed over by their “mother”, the other one locked away in some dump as she had been, the one she felt a connection with before she ever even met her. Once Charlotte was part of her life, and Archer became a good friend too, and she had Wren, Alex thought she was happy with her life for the first time ever.
Until Charlotte went back to Rosewood and never came back, and Archer disappeared, and Alex knew what she had to do to avenge them.
This was it. No one was questioning Alex was who she said she was. She’d taken Spencer’s place with her family, her friends, and with Toby.
So why the hell didn’t it feel as good as Alex thought it would?
It had been easy at first. They’d all accepted her as Spencer. But it was becoming clear that she might never be able to pull it off totally. Sometimes they’d make references to something that had happened in high school, and no matter how much Alex grilled Spencer, asked her about her childhood, about things she and her friends had done so that Alex could be convincing if they came up in conversation, there was always going to be something new that Spencer hadn’t thought of in years, hadn’t told her. Wren and Charlotte had only been able to tell her so much; there were always going to be anecdotes that neither of them had known from before they met her. And yeah, it bothered her, thinking about how if Peter and Veronica Hastings had taken both of the twins home, maybe Alex would have been part of those memories too, been able to chime in with her own recollections of whatever pranks they had helped Alison play on her brother. Alex wondered how many times she could just nod and smile and wait for one of the others to fill in enough of the blank about what happened before someone picked up on just how few memories she seemed to have.
I’ll be all right, she’d told herself. The person who was most likely to pick up something like that was Spencer herself, not any of the others. Or Mona, maybe, but she’d never been close enough to them to notice. And it was true; so far no one had spotted anything. But Alex began to wonder whether that could be a negative thing. From everything Wren and Charlotte had told her about Spencer’s friends, Alex had formed a picture of these girls who were so close, would have done anything for each other. And not one of them had picked up on the fact that Alex wasn’t Spencer. If Spencer had impersonated Alex with Charlotte or Wren, would either of them have realised they weren’t dealing with Alex? Alex liked to think they would. And Spencer had even said it herself, that Alex would never pull it off, not knowing that she already had. The fact that she was pulling it off so well with the girls made her question just how tight those friendships really had been, if not one of them had noticed that they weren’t dealing with the person they had grown up with.
As for the family, she hadn’t seen a lot of her father, although she wasn’t sure that was a bad thing. And the same went for Melissa, who in a few short interactions had confirmed that Alex’s initial impression of stick up her arse was correct. Nothing like Charlotte, the one person Alex wanted to share this all with, the one person she still missed every day. But while she was around Veronica Hastings, she began to understand why Spencer hadn’t suspected in all those years that Veronica wasn’t her mother. Whatever Wren had said about how Spencer used to feel inferior to Melissa, and that Peter and Veronica Hastings treated her as such, Alex never got that vibe from Veronica, who always took an interest in how “Spencer’s” life was, always encouraged her in everything. It was more than Alex had ever had from any other mother in her life.
Mary Drake wasn’t happy about that. She’d call Alex, sometimes in the middle of the night, ranting about how she felt she’d been replaced, about how she’d been the one who’d made it possible for Alex to get that far and now she was being tossed aside like trash. Sometimes she would speak of Spencer, about how she’d never wanted this to be the way it ended and she’d wanted her daughters to be a family. “Should have thought of that before you sold me to the highest bidder,” Alex had said before hanging up. Eventually it had reached the point where Alex, fed up of hearing Mary talk about freeing Spencer, had started to wonder whether keeping Mary alive had been a mistake.
Alex was finding it harder to pretend to be Spencer, to live her life as someone else, than she ever expected. She was constantly having to memorise these obscure literary references that Spencer had been familiar with for years, and on top of the childhood memories, that got a bit much at times. Although she had never thought she would, she sometimes found herself missing being Alex, being able to have fun with her loved ones as herself without being constantly on her guard against making some screwup that would give away that she wasn’t Spencer, to participate in her own interests that were different to Spencer’s.
It was harder to keep up the pretence with Toby than with anyone else. There were times when he’d look at her, and Alex would wonder whether he knew that she wasn’t the same girl he’d loved in high school. But then he’d say something, and she’d realise he was still fooled, he still believed her to be Spencer. At first she’d feel relieved, but then there was a part of her that felt a kind of ache, seeing all that love in Toby’s eyes and knowing it wasn’t really for her, but for someone else. And although she had hated the fact that Wren would always see her as Alex, now that no one saw the real her any more, Alex was starting to miss having someone who would look into her eyes and see the person she truly was, not the person she was trying to pass herself off as.
“So I got what I wanted,” Alex whispered to her diamond necklace containing Wren’s ashes, “but I don’t know how much I want it any more. There’s a part of me that misses my old life, and the only one who’d understand that…is you.”