T is for Toxic
Title: T is for Toxic
Fandom: Pretty Little Liars
Characters: Shana, Alison, Jenna, Mona, Paige, Emily.
Pairings: Shana/Jenna, implied one-sided Shana/Ali, Shana/Paige.
Rating: PG
Warnings: Spoilers up to 5x1
Notes: I know it looked like A had ripped up that photo, but I'm going with the interpretation that Shana had done that herself.
Summary: As Shana falls for Jenna, she comes to the conclusion that her past friendship with Alison was toxic.
“So why did she pick you?” Mona had asked once.
Shana had frowned. “What are you talking about?”
“Ali, of course.” Mona had rolled her eyes. “Spencer was the smart one, Aria the compassionate one, Hanna the admiring one, Emily the loyal one. Which one were you?”
Shana had brushed that off, told Mona she hadn’t ever given it a thought. She didn’t want to admit in front of Mona that she suspected Alison had only chosen her because she was physically there.
Shana’s reaction to Mona’s comment wasn’t the first time she had wondered quite why she was helping Alison. It hadn’t been like that during the time when both girls were living in Georgia. Back then, she’d been pathetically grateful for any attention that the Queen Bee of their friendship group had paid her. When Ali had moved away when they were five, one part of Shana knew she would miss her, but even as she had cried as she said her goodbyes, a part of her knew she was relieved at the thought that she no longer had to constantly worry about impressing Ali, wanting Ali to believe that she was good enough to hang out with her and she wasn’t just putting up with her because Shana was her grandparents’ neighbour and she had to. Mona’s comment had reminded Shana all over again of how she had felt at the time.
Sometimes, Shana was able to bury those thoughts. What did it matter why Alison had chosen her? The fact was that she had. All the girls in their town that Alison could have chosen, and she’d picked her, Shana Fring. And even when Alison and her family moved away, Alison still chose to keep in touch with Shana, so she had to see something in her, right? And every summer, when Alison came back to spend the summer with her grandparents, she was straight round to Shana’s as soon as she could, and it was just like she had never been away.
But sometimes, Shana found these negative feelings resurfacing again. Alison had a way of zeroing in on everyone’s weak spots and insecurities and using them against people, and Shana found herself keeping certain things from Ali just so that she couldn’t do that. In those moments, Shana wondered why she didn’t just cut Ali off altogether. But then in the next minute, Ali would suggest to Shana doing something that she’d never think of doing herself, or share some secret with her, and Shana would wonder why she’d ever had those thoughts. Ali had chosen her, and that was what was important.
Ali used to tell Shana a lot about the friendship group she had in Rosewood. She mentioned her friend called Emily who had a crush on her. “I still haven’t decided if I’m going to do anything about it yet,” Ali had said. “There’s this other girl, Pigskin, who likes her, but I think I took care of her.”
“Why would you bother, if you’re not going to do anything about it then why would you care if Emily dates this other girl?” Shana had asked.
Ali had rolled her eyes. “Please. You haven’t met Pigskin. I’m doing Em a favour by getting her out of the picture.”
Shana had let that one drop, but had thought to herself that she was so relieved that at that time, Alison didn’t know she was gay. She wondered whether Alison would have reacted the same way to any potential girlfriend Shana may have had. And much as it irritated Shana to admit this to herself, a part of her wondered whether, if Alison did try to come between her and a potential girlfriend, Shana would let her. She knew that Alison was exactly the wrong person for her to fall in love with, and she was determined not to end up like this Emily, but she also knew that if it ever came down to it, she couldn’t be sure that she would walk away from temptation.
“Still, I guess it doesn’t matter.” Ali had shrugged. “There’s this other guy, Ian, he was one of Jason’s friends from school. He’s dating my friend Spencer’s sister Melissa at the moment, but I know Spencer likes him too. Spencer and Melissa have been fighting quite a lot lately. They probably won’t even notice when I get in there and claim Ian for myself.”
“This fighting...you wouldn’t have anything to do with that, would you?” Shana had asked.
“I may have,” Ali had winked at her, and Shana found herself feeling relieved that she only had to deal with Alison during the summer, rather than full time like these girls she kept talking about. But then, every time she found herself thinking like that, Ali would do something in that way she had of making Shana feel like the most important person there, and she’d promptly dismiss it. Besides, what did any of it matter? At the time, she never thought she’d meet any of these people Alison was talking about anyway.
It was the beginning of sophomore year when Shana’s mother stuck her head around the door. “Shana? Have you heard anything from Alison?”
Shana shook her head. “No. Why would I?” Ali had been back to visit her grandmother as usual that summer, but had been there for a shorter time than she normally stayed. Shana hadn’t seen that much of her, and when she had seen her, Ali had seemed distracted.
“I just had a call from Jessica DiLaurentis. Shana, Alison is missing. She disappeared from a sleepover at one of her friends’ places and hasn’t been seen since. Jessica’s calling all her Georgia friends in case anyone’s heard from her.”
“Not me.” Shana shrugged and went back to her swimming magazine. At first, she didn’t take it all that seriously, thinking that there would come a time when Alison would just show up in some dramatic fashion with some explanation for where she’d been all that time. But as time went by with no word from Alison, Shana began to fear that the worst had indeed happened. Over time, their Georgia friends started acting as though Ali had never existed, talked of other things and never mentioned her again. And Shana had to admit that in one way things were easier without her around, that the group of friends were more relaxed without having to worry about what she might be saying about each of them to the others behind their backs. But Shana was never able to completely close the door on Ali, always wondered what might have happened to her.
She hadn’t been able to make it to Rosewood for the funeral due to a swimming competition, which she’d regretted, but as soon as she was able to visit her relatives in the area, she made sure she paid a visit to the grave to say the final goodbye to her friend.
It was late on in her junior year when Shana received the call.
When she heard the voice on the other end of the phone saying “Did you miss me?” at first she thought someone had to be playing some kind of sick prank. But the voice was Alison’s all right, there was no mistaking it.
“Alison?” Shana had said. “Is this some kind of joke?”
“I know, I know, you thought I was dead. I’m supposed to be. Someone did try to kill me, but I don’t know who. That’s why I need your help. You’re the only one I can trust. No one knows you in Rosewood apart from your aunt. I need you to go and stay there, to try and find out who it was. I’m going to give you a list of names of people you need to talk to, people it might be.”
Shana took down the names. Jenna Marshall, Mona Vanderwaal, Paige McCullers, Lucas Gottesman, Melissa Hastings... “That’s kind of a long list, Ali,” she said, wondering what Ali could have done to have upset so many people.
“Do you remember me telling you about Jenna before?” Ali asked.
Shana thought. “That girl who you never liked after she didn’t want to join your group? The one who got blinded by her stepbrother?”
“It wasn’t Toby who did that. It was me and my friends. It was a prank on Toby that went wrong, and Jenna kind of got in the way. At the time when it first happened, I thought it was a happy accident, but now I think someone wants me to pay for it. Or it could be about something else altogether. I don’t even know why. That’s why I need you, Shana. Will you do this for me? Please?”
If any of the people Alison had named really had tried to kill her, then Shana knew full well she was potentially walking into danger. But she loved Alison, and knew she could never refuse her. “Okay, Ali. Tell me what I need to do.”
From the way Alison had described some of these people, Shana could have been forgiven for wondering if they had had two heads. But as she met everyone, she was surprised at how normal they all seemed. She’d made conversation with Paige, the girl she’d first heard of as Pigskin, after seeing her in some lesbian bar, started talking to her about swimming and eventually, Paige had asked her on a date. Shana hadn’t initially intended for that to happen, but had realised that dating Paige was a way of getting information for Alison, so had gone along with it. And over time, she’d realised that actually, she quite liked Paige, that she had common ground with her. Where was this horrible person that Ali had described? Paige had faced Alison’s bullying, faced the prejudice from her own family before she’d worked up the courage to come out, and here she was now so much stronger, not letting Alison’s taunts from the past upset her any more.
Then had come the day when Paige had broken it off, admitting that she was still in love with her ex, who just happened to be this Emily person that Ali had talked so much about and who was in Haiti for the summer. Even though Shana had had reasons of her own for dating Paige, the fact that Paige had basically admitted to dating Shana because she was the one who was there just reminded her all over again of that long-held insecurity about the reasons why Ali had picked her as a friend.
It was Jenna who had eventually made Shana realise that that wasn’t true. “You’re loyal, you’ve proved that you’d do anything for your friends. You’re smart, you’re funny. You’ve been nothing but supportive of me since I lost my sight again. You have lots of good qualities, Shana, and you should never let yourself think anything like that of yourself again.”
And as Shana had got to know Jenna, she had realised the same of her. This person who had been so strong both times she had lost her sight and still managed to be a support to others at the Institute where she used to live in spite of what she was going through herself was not the monster Ali had described. Jenna was an inspiration. Shana knew now that she’d been backing the wrong person the whole time. In a way it was as if Shana had been the one who was blind this entire time, blind to the true nature of the person she had once considered her best friend. Alison DiLaurentis was a monster, and had to be taken down. And Shana was going to be the one to do it. And when she was done, she’d take Jenna and they’d get the hell out of Rosewood, make a fresh start somewhere together.
As Shana had listened to everything Emily had said on the way over, a part of her had just wanted to take Emily by the shoulders and shake her, slap her, ask her what she was thinking to still feel that way about Alison DiLaurentis after all that had happened. But it wasn’t time to do that. She still had to keep it going, to pretend to be working for Alison for a little while longer.
She was relieved to turn around and drive away from Emily though, because if she’d had to listen to any of that for any longer, she really might have done it. All that crap about how much Emily missed Ali, all that about how Ali had said Emily was the one she missed and trusted the most - Ali had said that to Shana once too, and at one time Shana had swallowed it, but not any more. Not now that she had met Jenna, talked to all the others, seen Ali for what she really was.
Shana made her way to her locker, removed that old photograph of herself and Alison as kids, ripped it in half and took one last glance at the half with her on it before slowly setting it alight. As she did, she said a final goodbye to the younger, more naive Shana, the one who had had such blind faith in Alison DiLaurentis. That Shana Fring was dead now, and the new Shana had work to do.
Fandom: Pretty Little Liars
Characters: Shana, Alison, Jenna, Mona, Paige, Emily.
Pairings: Shana/Jenna, implied one-sided Shana/Ali, Shana/Paige.
Rating: PG
Warnings: Spoilers up to 5x1
Notes: I know it looked like A had ripped up that photo, but I'm going with the interpretation that Shana had done that herself.
Summary: As Shana falls for Jenna, she comes to the conclusion that her past friendship with Alison was toxic.
“So why did she pick you?” Mona had asked once.
Shana had frowned. “What are you talking about?”
“Ali, of course.” Mona had rolled her eyes. “Spencer was the smart one, Aria the compassionate one, Hanna the admiring one, Emily the loyal one. Which one were you?”
Shana had brushed that off, told Mona she hadn’t ever given it a thought. She didn’t want to admit in front of Mona that she suspected Alison had only chosen her because she was physically there.
Shana’s reaction to Mona’s comment wasn’t the first time she had wondered quite why she was helping Alison. It hadn’t been like that during the time when both girls were living in Georgia. Back then, she’d been pathetically grateful for any attention that the Queen Bee of their friendship group had paid her. When Ali had moved away when they were five, one part of Shana knew she would miss her, but even as she had cried as she said her goodbyes, a part of her knew she was relieved at the thought that she no longer had to constantly worry about impressing Ali, wanting Ali to believe that she was good enough to hang out with her and she wasn’t just putting up with her because Shana was her grandparents’ neighbour and she had to. Mona’s comment had reminded Shana all over again of how she had felt at the time.
Sometimes, Shana was able to bury those thoughts. What did it matter why Alison had chosen her? The fact was that she had. All the girls in their town that Alison could have chosen, and she’d picked her, Shana Fring. And even when Alison and her family moved away, Alison still chose to keep in touch with Shana, so she had to see something in her, right? And every summer, when Alison came back to spend the summer with her grandparents, she was straight round to Shana’s as soon as she could, and it was just like she had never been away.
But sometimes, Shana found these negative feelings resurfacing again. Alison had a way of zeroing in on everyone’s weak spots and insecurities and using them against people, and Shana found herself keeping certain things from Ali just so that she couldn’t do that. In those moments, Shana wondered why she didn’t just cut Ali off altogether. But then in the next minute, Ali would suggest to Shana doing something that she’d never think of doing herself, or share some secret with her, and Shana would wonder why she’d ever had those thoughts. Ali had chosen her, and that was what was important.
Ali used to tell Shana a lot about the friendship group she had in Rosewood. She mentioned her friend called Emily who had a crush on her. “I still haven’t decided if I’m going to do anything about it yet,” Ali had said. “There’s this other girl, Pigskin, who likes her, but I think I took care of her.”
“Why would you bother, if you’re not going to do anything about it then why would you care if Emily dates this other girl?” Shana had asked.
Ali had rolled her eyes. “Please. You haven’t met Pigskin. I’m doing Em a favour by getting her out of the picture.”
Shana had let that one drop, but had thought to herself that she was so relieved that at that time, Alison didn’t know she was gay. She wondered whether Alison would have reacted the same way to any potential girlfriend Shana may have had. And much as it irritated Shana to admit this to herself, a part of her wondered whether, if Alison did try to come between her and a potential girlfriend, Shana would let her. She knew that Alison was exactly the wrong person for her to fall in love with, and she was determined not to end up like this Emily, but she also knew that if it ever came down to it, she couldn’t be sure that she would walk away from temptation.
“Still, I guess it doesn’t matter.” Ali had shrugged. “There’s this other guy, Ian, he was one of Jason’s friends from school. He’s dating my friend Spencer’s sister Melissa at the moment, but I know Spencer likes him too. Spencer and Melissa have been fighting quite a lot lately. They probably won’t even notice when I get in there and claim Ian for myself.”
“This fighting...you wouldn’t have anything to do with that, would you?” Shana had asked.
“I may have,” Ali had winked at her, and Shana found herself feeling relieved that she only had to deal with Alison during the summer, rather than full time like these girls she kept talking about. But then, every time she found herself thinking like that, Ali would do something in that way she had of making Shana feel like the most important person there, and she’d promptly dismiss it. Besides, what did any of it matter? At the time, she never thought she’d meet any of these people Alison was talking about anyway.
It was the beginning of sophomore year when Shana’s mother stuck her head around the door. “Shana? Have you heard anything from Alison?”
Shana shook her head. “No. Why would I?” Ali had been back to visit her grandmother as usual that summer, but had been there for a shorter time than she normally stayed. Shana hadn’t seen that much of her, and when she had seen her, Ali had seemed distracted.
“I just had a call from Jessica DiLaurentis. Shana, Alison is missing. She disappeared from a sleepover at one of her friends’ places and hasn’t been seen since. Jessica’s calling all her Georgia friends in case anyone’s heard from her.”
“Not me.” Shana shrugged and went back to her swimming magazine. At first, she didn’t take it all that seriously, thinking that there would come a time when Alison would just show up in some dramatic fashion with some explanation for where she’d been all that time. But as time went by with no word from Alison, Shana began to fear that the worst had indeed happened. Over time, their Georgia friends started acting as though Ali had never existed, talked of other things and never mentioned her again. And Shana had to admit that in one way things were easier without her around, that the group of friends were more relaxed without having to worry about what she might be saying about each of them to the others behind their backs. But Shana was never able to completely close the door on Ali, always wondered what might have happened to her.
She hadn’t been able to make it to Rosewood for the funeral due to a swimming competition, which she’d regretted, but as soon as she was able to visit her relatives in the area, she made sure she paid a visit to the grave to say the final goodbye to her friend.
It was late on in her junior year when Shana received the call.
When she heard the voice on the other end of the phone saying “Did you miss me?” at first she thought someone had to be playing some kind of sick prank. But the voice was Alison’s all right, there was no mistaking it.
“Alison?” Shana had said. “Is this some kind of joke?”
“I know, I know, you thought I was dead. I’m supposed to be. Someone did try to kill me, but I don’t know who. That’s why I need your help. You’re the only one I can trust. No one knows you in Rosewood apart from your aunt. I need you to go and stay there, to try and find out who it was. I’m going to give you a list of names of people you need to talk to, people it might be.”
Shana took down the names. Jenna Marshall, Mona Vanderwaal, Paige McCullers, Lucas Gottesman, Melissa Hastings... “That’s kind of a long list, Ali,” she said, wondering what Ali could have done to have upset so many people.
“Do you remember me telling you about Jenna before?” Ali asked.
Shana thought. “That girl who you never liked after she didn’t want to join your group? The one who got blinded by her stepbrother?”
“It wasn’t Toby who did that. It was me and my friends. It was a prank on Toby that went wrong, and Jenna kind of got in the way. At the time when it first happened, I thought it was a happy accident, but now I think someone wants me to pay for it. Or it could be about something else altogether. I don’t even know why. That’s why I need you, Shana. Will you do this for me? Please?”
If any of the people Alison had named really had tried to kill her, then Shana knew full well she was potentially walking into danger. But she loved Alison, and knew she could never refuse her. “Okay, Ali. Tell me what I need to do.”
From the way Alison had described some of these people, Shana could have been forgiven for wondering if they had had two heads. But as she met everyone, she was surprised at how normal they all seemed. She’d made conversation with Paige, the girl she’d first heard of as Pigskin, after seeing her in some lesbian bar, started talking to her about swimming and eventually, Paige had asked her on a date. Shana hadn’t initially intended for that to happen, but had realised that dating Paige was a way of getting information for Alison, so had gone along with it. And over time, she’d realised that actually, she quite liked Paige, that she had common ground with her. Where was this horrible person that Ali had described? Paige had faced Alison’s bullying, faced the prejudice from her own family before she’d worked up the courage to come out, and here she was now so much stronger, not letting Alison’s taunts from the past upset her any more.
Then had come the day when Paige had broken it off, admitting that she was still in love with her ex, who just happened to be this Emily person that Ali had talked so much about and who was in Haiti for the summer. Even though Shana had had reasons of her own for dating Paige, the fact that Paige had basically admitted to dating Shana because she was the one who was there just reminded her all over again of that long-held insecurity about the reasons why Ali had picked her as a friend.
It was Jenna who had eventually made Shana realise that that wasn’t true. “You’re loyal, you’ve proved that you’d do anything for your friends. You’re smart, you’re funny. You’ve been nothing but supportive of me since I lost my sight again. You have lots of good qualities, Shana, and you should never let yourself think anything like that of yourself again.”
And as Shana had got to know Jenna, she had realised the same of her. This person who had been so strong both times she had lost her sight and still managed to be a support to others at the Institute where she used to live in spite of what she was going through herself was not the monster Ali had described. Jenna was an inspiration. Shana knew now that she’d been backing the wrong person the whole time. In a way it was as if Shana had been the one who was blind this entire time, blind to the true nature of the person she had once considered her best friend. Alison DiLaurentis was a monster, and had to be taken down. And Shana was going to be the one to do it. And when she was done, she’d take Jenna and they’d get the hell out of Rosewood, make a fresh start somewhere together.
As Shana had listened to everything Emily had said on the way over, a part of her had just wanted to take Emily by the shoulders and shake her, slap her, ask her what she was thinking to still feel that way about Alison DiLaurentis after all that had happened. But it wasn’t time to do that. She still had to keep it going, to pretend to be working for Alison for a little while longer.
She was relieved to turn around and drive away from Emily though, because if she’d had to listen to any of that for any longer, she really might have done it. All that crap about how much Emily missed Ali, all that about how Ali had said Emily was the one she missed and trusted the most - Ali had said that to Shana once too, and at one time Shana had swallowed it, but not any more. Not now that she had met Jenna, talked to all the others, seen Ali for what she really was.
Shana made her way to her locker, removed that old photograph of herself and Alison as kids, ripped it in half and took one last glance at the half with her on it before slowly setting it alight. As she did, she said a final goodbye to the younger, more naive Shana, the one who had had such blind faith in Alison DiLaurentis. That Shana Fring was dead now, and the new Shana had work to do.