This Is How You Remind Me Of What I Really Am
Title: This Is How You Remind Me Of What I Really Am
Fandom: Pretty Little Liars
Characters: Mona, Leona, Hanna, Mike, Aria.
Pairings: Mona/Mike
Warnings: Spoilers through all aired episodes.
Summary: Mona struggles with being back in Rosewood.
As Mona had washed the blonde dye from her hair, as she looked at herself in the mirror and saw Mona once more instead of pretend Alison DiLaurentis, as she put on her own clothes instead of the yellow top identical to the one Alison had worn the day she disappeared (and which she would have burned had the police not needed it for evidence), she initially thought “I’m me again.” But it didn’t take her long to realise that she was probably never going to be the same Mona Vanderwaal ever again.
When Mona had first seen her mother again, she had looked at her and thought that Leona had aged ten years overnight. Hanna had later told her about the way Leona had screamed at Alison at the memorial service, and how she’d then shut herself away, not even showing her face at Alison’s trial. “You have nothing to feel guilty about, Mona,” Hanna had said, and Mona had thought “Yes, I do.” If her plan to fake her death and find out who A was had gone as she intended, Mona would have intentionally put her mother through exactly that. But she hadn’t thought about it that way at the time. She’d later gone and visited the grave site where her mother had buried some of her old things, believing her to be dead, and the same guilt had resurfaced again.
And yet a part of Mona looked at the gravesite and thought “Yes, I am dead. Or part of me is.” She felt as though she had spent so long playing at being this sick person’s version of Alison DiLaurentis that she had forgotten who Mona Vanderwaal really was. At another time, she might almost have laughed at the memories of how she had so longed to be like Alison back in their freshman year, how she and Hanna had gone on to reinvent themselves, and it had taken A to make her realise that actually, she really wanted just to be Mona. When her mother had suggested that they leave town for a while, Mona had leaped on the suggestion, seeing it as a way to rebuild her relationship with her mother even if Leona didn’t know quite how much needed rebuilding. And being somewhere where there were no reminders of Ali would give her a chance to remember who Mona really was.
To be somewhere where nobody knew her, where she could walk down the street and not be recognised as “that girl who was kidnapped” or “that girl who faked her death”, made it easier for Mona. Aria had told her once that she’d felt much the same way when she lived in Iceland and even though she was seen as the new girl, it was still preferable to being that girl whose best friend had disappeared. Yet Mona knew that this was a false sense of security, that the day would come when she had to go back to Rosewood, to be reminded of everything that had happened, to be the subject of everyone’s stares once more, some merely curious, some accusatory. And once she knew that Andrew Campbell had been exonerated and released, she knew she was going to be going back to looking over her shoulder all the time, wondering if everyone she knew could possibly be A, whether in some casual encounter she would find herself recognising the person who had held her there for all those months.
What kind of idiot had she been, thinking she could ever be able to take A on? She’d really believed that she was smart enough to outsmart this person once and for all, and to realise that once again A had bested her had made her start questioning whether she really was as smart as she had thought. And she knew that there were more important things than being the hero as well.
She knew she’d have to tell her mother at some point what she had intended to do, even if she wasn’t sure right now she was ready to have that conversation. But it had to be out in the open now, and it was only a matter of time before the police wanted to talk to her about it. Her mother was given the edited version initially, that someone wearing a black hoodie had come into their home and attacked her, that she’d never seen the person’s face. When the news eventually filtered through that Aria had told the police that at one point she had glimpsed Andrew Campbell’s face, Leona had asked her whether at any time she had ever seen Andrew too, and Mona had had to say she hadn’t. Tanner had asked her over and over again whether at any time she had seen the face behind the mask, or whether she had had any idea that Sara Harvey was also down there the entire time, and it was obvious that she hadn’t believed any of Mona’s denials. Leona had defended Mona against her then, and Mona had had to sit and listen to that knowing all along that Leona’s faith in her was misplaced.
She hadn’t seen Mike since she got home. Mona could understand that at first he might want to spend his time with Aria now that she was also back, and then when she and her mother had left town, in some ways it had also come as a relief to her to avoid having that particular conversation. It was already clear to her that Lesli was pissed at her over the whole thing, how Lesli had testified against Hanna and the others in court based on Mona’s lies. Now Mona dreaded seeing Mike again. He’d known all about her plans to fake her death, and he’d been put in the position where he was having to lie to his family, to his friends, to act as though he believed her dead, and then later coming to believe she really was dead when she hadn’t been able to contact him. Mona wouldn’t have blamed Mike if he’d never wanted to speak to her again. Aria had let slip about the cow’s tongue delivery at one point, which had only served to reinforce her fears. A had started targeting Mike, and that had been all down to her. He was better off without her, and she would just have to accept that, to let him go.
But then Mike had come to her, told her he was glad she was home safe, and that was what mattered, and he’d do what he could to help her get through those first few weeks that she was back in Rosewood. Hanna too had said that she was there for her. After everything that Mona had put Hanna through, Hanna had still felt able to say that she was glad that Mona was still alive.
It wasn’t going to be easy. But she had Mike, and she had Hanna, and Mona knew that with their support, she could get through this.
Fandom: Pretty Little Liars
Characters: Mona, Leona, Hanna, Mike, Aria.
Pairings: Mona/Mike
Warnings: Spoilers through all aired episodes.
Summary: Mona struggles with being back in Rosewood.
As Mona had washed the blonde dye from her hair, as she looked at herself in the mirror and saw Mona once more instead of pretend Alison DiLaurentis, as she put on her own clothes instead of the yellow top identical to the one Alison had worn the day she disappeared (and which she would have burned had the police not needed it for evidence), she initially thought “I’m me again.” But it didn’t take her long to realise that she was probably never going to be the same Mona Vanderwaal ever again.
When Mona had first seen her mother again, she had looked at her and thought that Leona had aged ten years overnight. Hanna had later told her about the way Leona had screamed at Alison at the memorial service, and how she’d then shut herself away, not even showing her face at Alison’s trial. “You have nothing to feel guilty about, Mona,” Hanna had said, and Mona had thought “Yes, I do.” If her plan to fake her death and find out who A was had gone as she intended, Mona would have intentionally put her mother through exactly that. But she hadn’t thought about it that way at the time. She’d later gone and visited the grave site where her mother had buried some of her old things, believing her to be dead, and the same guilt had resurfaced again.
And yet a part of Mona looked at the gravesite and thought “Yes, I am dead. Or part of me is.” She felt as though she had spent so long playing at being this sick person’s version of Alison DiLaurentis that she had forgotten who Mona Vanderwaal really was. At another time, she might almost have laughed at the memories of how she had so longed to be like Alison back in their freshman year, how she and Hanna had gone on to reinvent themselves, and it had taken A to make her realise that actually, she really wanted just to be Mona. When her mother had suggested that they leave town for a while, Mona had leaped on the suggestion, seeing it as a way to rebuild her relationship with her mother even if Leona didn’t know quite how much needed rebuilding. And being somewhere where there were no reminders of Ali would give her a chance to remember who Mona really was.
To be somewhere where nobody knew her, where she could walk down the street and not be recognised as “that girl who was kidnapped” or “that girl who faked her death”, made it easier for Mona. Aria had told her once that she’d felt much the same way when she lived in Iceland and even though she was seen as the new girl, it was still preferable to being that girl whose best friend had disappeared. Yet Mona knew that this was a false sense of security, that the day would come when she had to go back to Rosewood, to be reminded of everything that had happened, to be the subject of everyone’s stares once more, some merely curious, some accusatory. And once she knew that Andrew Campbell had been exonerated and released, she knew she was going to be going back to looking over her shoulder all the time, wondering if everyone she knew could possibly be A, whether in some casual encounter she would find herself recognising the person who had held her there for all those months.
What kind of idiot had she been, thinking she could ever be able to take A on? She’d really believed that she was smart enough to outsmart this person once and for all, and to realise that once again A had bested her had made her start questioning whether she really was as smart as she had thought. And she knew that there were more important things than being the hero as well.
She knew she’d have to tell her mother at some point what she had intended to do, even if she wasn’t sure right now she was ready to have that conversation. But it had to be out in the open now, and it was only a matter of time before the police wanted to talk to her about it. Her mother was given the edited version initially, that someone wearing a black hoodie had come into their home and attacked her, that she’d never seen the person’s face. When the news eventually filtered through that Aria had told the police that at one point she had glimpsed Andrew Campbell’s face, Leona had asked her whether at any time she had ever seen Andrew too, and Mona had had to say she hadn’t. Tanner had asked her over and over again whether at any time she had seen the face behind the mask, or whether she had had any idea that Sara Harvey was also down there the entire time, and it was obvious that she hadn’t believed any of Mona’s denials. Leona had defended Mona against her then, and Mona had had to sit and listen to that knowing all along that Leona’s faith in her was misplaced.
She hadn’t seen Mike since she got home. Mona could understand that at first he might want to spend his time with Aria now that she was also back, and then when she and her mother had left town, in some ways it had also come as a relief to her to avoid having that particular conversation. It was already clear to her that Lesli was pissed at her over the whole thing, how Lesli had testified against Hanna and the others in court based on Mona’s lies. Now Mona dreaded seeing Mike again. He’d known all about her plans to fake her death, and he’d been put in the position where he was having to lie to his family, to his friends, to act as though he believed her dead, and then later coming to believe she really was dead when she hadn’t been able to contact him. Mona wouldn’t have blamed Mike if he’d never wanted to speak to her again. Aria had let slip about the cow’s tongue delivery at one point, which had only served to reinforce her fears. A had started targeting Mike, and that had been all down to her. He was better off without her, and she would just have to accept that, to let him go.
But then Mike had come to her, told her he was glad she was home safe, and that was what mattered, and he’d do what he could to help her get through those first few weeks that she was back in Rosewood. Hanna too had said that she was there for her. After everything that Mona had put Hanna through, Hanna had still felt able to say that she was glad that Mona was still alive.
It wasn’t going to be easy. But she had Mike, and she had Hanna, and Mona knew that with their support, she could get through this.