Starting Afresh
Title: Starting Afresh
Characters: Alex, Claire. Mentions of Danielle, Karl, Ben, Charlie, Sayid.
Rating: G
Spoilers: Par Avion, plus early S4.
Disclaimer: I do not own these characters. They own me.
Summary: Confused about having Danielle back in her life, Alex turns to Claire for advice as both have been reunited with a parent they believed dead.
Alex could see that Claire was confused the night she showed up at her door unannounced, although she did her best to hide it as she plastered a smile across her face.
"Sorry," Alex stammered awkwardly. "Is this a bad time? I could always come back tomorrow." She began to slowly back away. The idea had made sense to her at the time she first thought of it, but now that she was actually faced with Claire, Alex wondered if she had made a mistake. The last thing she should probably be doing was bothering Claire, especially so soon after Charlie.
But Claire was opening the door wider. "No, it's fine. I've just put Aaron down, he should be asleep for a while yet. I just wasn't expecting to see you, that's all. I thought you might have been Kate coming back or something."
Claire ushered Alex over the threshold of the bungalow that had once been Goodwin and Harper Stanhope's. "So, uh, what can I do for you?"
"I - kinda needed to talk to someone about my mother." The word still felt strange and unfamiliar on Alex's tongue.
Claire nodded sympathetically. "You're still finding it strange living with her?"
Alex nodded. "Karl's trying to understand," she told Claire, "but it's difficult. His mother died about four years ago, and I'd always thought my mother died when I was a baby. It used to be one of the things we had in common. Part of me does want to talk to him about it, but another part thinks I shouldn't. He's never going to get a chance to get his mother back, and I don't know how I can explain to him how I feel about getting my own mother back."
"I'm sure he doesn't resent you for it," Claire began, but Alex continued as if she hadn't spoken.
"I really need to talk about it with someone who's experienced the same thing, so with what happened with your father...it kinda had to be you."
Claire frowned. "How did you know about that?"
Alex kicked herself for having let that slip. "My people...they had files on you ever since you crashed here."
Claire was clearly perplexed by this, but chose to let that pass. "So you know about what happened when my father turned up out of the blue at the hospital in Sydney."
Alex nodded. "Was it the same for you as it is for me? Did you wonder whether to call him Dad, or by his first name? Did you ask him why he'd stayed away all those years? And were you angry at your mother for having let you believe for all those years that he'd died?"
Claire looked sympathetic. "That's how it is for you?"
"She keeps staring at me," Alex burst out, feeling relieved now that she finally had someone to talk to. "I'll turn around and find her just staring at me, for no obvious reason. I'm trying not to let it freak me out. I'm trying to understand, but it's difficult."
"I'm sure it's not that easy for her either," Claire tried to explain. "Remember that she's been living out there on her own for all those years, and now all of a sudden the two of you are together again. Your mother's probably trying to adjust to that just the same as you are."
"And that's another thing," Alex continued, "What am I supposed to call her? I know she really wants me to call her Mom, or Maman, but I'm finding it difficult to say either of those. But I can't really call her Danielle, either. I called her Annie by accident yesterday and I felt so awkward when she corrected me."
Claire frowned. "Annie?"
"My - Ben told me that was the name of my mother who died when I was a baby. I didn't question that at first. But later, when I asked him what she was like, he wouldn't tell me anything. Eventually, I just learned not to ask. I only started questioning it when your friend Sayid told me that I looked like my mother, and I couldn't understand how he could know what she looked like."
"You do look like her, a bit." Claire considered. "Anyway, I was never told my father's name when I was growing up. I don't know now why I never asked. But I think that I always knew somewhere deep down that my aunt Lindsey hadn't liked him, and that my mother didn't want to talk about him. So I probably didn't ask at first because I didn't want to upset them. And then later, after I met him, I was angry at him because he'd never tried to contact me anyway, and because - " Claire broke off. "You don't want to know."
Alex looked sheepish. "Actually, that's on your file too."
"Right." Claire replied. "Of course. So yes, I was upset with him because he'd turned up saying he was there to help, but all he wanted was to fix his mess by turning my mother's life support machine off. I didn't ask his name, and at the time I wanted to keep it that way."
"And you never saw him again?" Alex asked. "He never contacted you afterwards?"
"Well, I moved not that long afterwards," Claire admitted. "If he ever had tried, I doubt Aunt Lindsey would have given him my forwarding address, or passed any messages on."
"So were you ever angry with them?" Alex asked. "Your mother, and your aunt Lindsey, that is. They'd both been lying to you for all these years, telling you that your father had died when they knew all the time that he was still alive, and basically kept you from having any contact with him."
Claire paused to think about her answer. "I didn't really think of it that way at the time," she admitted. "Bear in mind the situation at the time. My mother was in a coma because of an accident I'd caused, and I'd just been told it was possible she was never going to wake up. Aunt Lindsey was making it pretty clear she blamed me for the accident, and she was right to. I was the one who started an argument, I was the one who wasn't concentrating on the road. In the circumstances, I didn't feel I had any right to be angry at them."
"What about afterwards?" Alex asked.
"I never spoke about it with Aunt Lindsey," Claire told her. "And even if my mother had been in any condition to answer my questions, I wouldn't have asked. At the time, I didn't even feel that I wanted to know him anyway. So no, I don't remember feeling any anger towards my mother."
Claire looked at Alex. "Is that how you feel about Ben?"
"I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about him now," Alex admitted. "I hated him anyway even before I knew about my mother, because of what he did to Karl. And I know I can't forgive him for having lied to me all these years. When I first found out he had a tumour, I told him I didn't care what happened to him. But at the same time, he brought me up for sixteen years. We used to be close once. And there's a part of me that can't stop caring about him."
"I remember how upset you got when you thought John was going to kill him," Claire commented.
"And that day at the radio tower when - my mother knocked him unconscious." Alex remembered. "I hate him for lying, but it's like - I hate him and love him at the same time, does that make any sense?"
Claire nodded. "I kind of know what you mean."
Alex was silent for a while, staring at her hands. Claire watched, knowing there was something more that she was leading up to saying but struggling to find the words.
"She never came for me," Alex eventually burst out. "I asked her about it, and she said it was because she knew I wouldn't remember her. But she could have come for me earlier, when I was a baby. If she had come for me back then, I wouldn't have remembered Ben, or any of the rest of them. Didn't you ever feel that with your father? Didn't you ever wonder why he didn't stand up to your mother and aunt, why he didn't come to see you anyway?"
Claire considered just how much she should tell Alex now. She remembered what Charlie had told her the day Rousseau had taken Aaron. But she also knew that by telling Alex that Rousseau had stolen Claire's baby, she risked planting more doubts in Alex's mind about her mother.
"From what I know of Ben and his people, I'm not sure how easy it would have been to get you back anyway," Claire admitted. "And I don't know much about what happened when you were a baby. But your mother did try to get you back, not long after Aaron was born."
Alex was dumbfounded. "How did you know?"
"Charlie and Sayid told me," Claire said. "They were there." She thought it was probably best to leave it at that for now, rather than tell Alex the circumstances.
"Then why didn't she?" Alex demanded.
"She thought it was never going to work. She didn't think Ben's people would ever be willing to let you go." Claire thought of the traps Sayid had described, traps clearly intended for the Others. "But I'm sure that wasn't the only time. Your mother did try to get you back, Alex."
Alex's eyes were wide as she looked at Claire. "I've been kind of hard on her," she mused at last. "I should go back, spend a bit of time with her, try and get to know her properly."
Claire smiled. "I'm sure you'll be fine.
As Alex turned to go, Claire wondered for a moment if she should have asked her any questions about her own father. Alex had read the file, after all. She must know his name, where he was now, about this other family he apparently had in America.
But she wasn't sure it mattered now. He'd never been a part of Claire's life growing up, and now she'd made the decision to remain there rather than take her chances with the people from the boat that wasn't Penny's, she doubted he'd be part of her future either. Besides, this had been about Alex, not Claire.
Maybe one day, she would try and find out more about her father. But this was not the time. It was time to leave Alex to concentrate on her own relationship with Danielle.
Alex walked away from Claire's feeling more positive about her mother now that she knew Danielle had made at least one attempt to find her. She would go back, talk to her mother again. They would make a fresh start.
After all, they had the rest of their lives to get to know each other.
Characters: Alex, Claire. Mentions of Danielle, Karl, Ben, Charlie, Sayid.
Rating: G
Spoilers: Par Avion, plus early S4.
Disclaimer: I do not own these characters. They own me.
Summary: Confused about having Danielle back in her life, Alex turns to Claire for advice as both have been reunited with a parent they believed dead.
Alex could see that Claire was confused the night she showed up at her door unannounced, although she did her best to hide it as she plastered a smile across her face.
"Sorry," Alex stammered awkwardly. "Is this a bad time? I could always come back tomorrow." She began to slowly back away. The idea had made sense to her at the time she first thought of it, but now that she was actually faced with Claire, Alex wondered if she had made a mistake. The last thing she should probably be doing was bothering Claire, especially so soon after Charlie.
But Claire was opening the door wider. "No, it's fine. I've just put Aaron down, he should be asleep for a while yet. I just wasn't expecting to see you, that's all. I thought you might have been Kate coming back or something."
Claire ushered Alex over the threshold of the bungalow that had once been Goodwin and Harper Stanhope's. "So, uh, what can I do for you?"
"I - kinda needed to talk to someone about my mother." The word still felt strange and unfamiliar on Alex's tongue.
Claire nodded sympathetically. "You're still finding it strange living with her?"
Alex nodded. "Karl's trying to understand," she told Claire, "but it's difficult. His mother died about four years ago, and I'd always thought my mother died when I was a baby. It used to be one of the things we had in common. Part of me does want to talk to him about it, but another part thinks I shouldn't. He's never going to get a chance to get his mother back, and I don't know how I can explain to him how I feel about getting my own mother back."
"I'm sure he doesn't resent you for it," Claire began, but Alex continued as if she hadn't spoken.
"I really need to talk about it with someone who's experienced the same thing, so with what happened with your father...it kinda had to be you."
Claire frowned. "How did you know about that?"
Alex kicked herself for having let that slip. "My people...they had files on you ever since you crashed here."
Claire was clearly perplexed by this, but chose to let that pass. "So you know about what happened when my father turned up out of the blue at the hospital in Sydney."
Alex nodded. "Was it the same for you as it is for me? Did you wonder whether to call him Dad, or by his first name? Did you ask him why he'd stayed away all those years? And were you angry at your mother for having let you believe for all those years that he'd died?"
Claire looked sympathetic. "That's how it is for you?"
"She keeps staring at me," Alex burst out, feeling relieved now that she finally had someone to talk to. "I'll turn around and find her just staring at me, for no obvious reason. I'm trying not to let it freak me out. I'm trying to understand, but it's difficult."
"I'm sure it's not that easy for her either," Claire tried to explain. "Remember that she's been living out there on her own for all those years, and now all of a sudden the two of you are together again. Your mother's probably trying to adjust to that just the same as you are."
"And that's another thing," Alex continued, "What am I supposed to call her? I know she really wants me to call her Mom, or Maman, but I'm finding it difficult to say either of those. But I can't really call her Danielle, either. I called her Annie by accident yesterday and I felt so awkward when she corrected me."
Claire frowned. "Annie?"
"My - Ben told me that was the name of my mother who died when I was a baby. I didn't question that at first. But later, when I asked him what she was like, he wouldn't tell me anything. Eventually, I just learned not to ask. I only started questioning it when your friend Sayid told me that I looked like my mother, and I couldn't understand how he could know what she looked like."
"You do look like her, a bit." Claire considered. "Anyway, I was never told my father's name when I was growing up. I don't know now why I never asked. But I think that I always knew somewhere deep down that my aunt Lindsey hadn't liked him, and that my mother didn't want to talk about him. So I probably didn't ask at first because I didn't want to upset them. And then later, after I met him, I was angry at him because he'd never tried to contact me anyway, and because - " Claire broke off. "You don't want to know."
Alex looked sheepish. "Actually, that's on your file too."
"Right." Claire replied. "Of course. So yes, I was upset with him because he'd turned up saying he was there to help, but all he wanted was to fix his mess by turning my mother's life support machine off. I didn't ask his name, and at the time I wanted to keep it that way."
"And you never saw him again?" Alex asked. "He never contacted you afterwards?"
"Well, I moved not that long afterwards," Claire admitted. "If he ever had tried, I doubt Aunt Lindsey would have given him my forwarding address, or passed any messages on."
"So were you ever angry with them?" Alex asked. "Your mother, and your aunt Lindsey, that is. They'd both been lying to you for all these years, telling you that your father had died when they knew all the time that he was still alive, and basically kept you from having any contact with him."
Claire paused to think about her answer. "I didn't really think of it that way at the time," she admitted. "Bear in mind the situation at the time. My mother was in a coma because of an accident I'd caused, and I'd just been told it was possible she was never going to wake up. Aunt Lindsey was making it pretty clear she blamed me for the accident, and she was right to. I was the one who started an argument, I was the one who wasn't concentrating on the road. In the circumstances, I didn't feel I had any right to be angry at them."
"What about afterwards?" Alex asked.
"I never spoke about it with Aunt Lindsey," Claire told her. "And even if my mother had been in any condition to answer my questions, I wouldn't have asked. At the time, I didn't even feel that I wanted to know him anyway. So no, I don't remember feeling any anger towards my mother."
Claire looked at Alex. "Is that how you feel about Ben?"
"I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about him now," Alex admitted. "I hated him anyway even before I knew about my mother, because of what he did to Karl. And I know I can't forgive him for having lied to me all these years. When I first found out he had a tumour, I told him I didn't care what happened to him. But at the same time, he brought me up for sixteen years. We used to be close once. And there's a part of me that can't stop caring about him."
"I remember how upset you got when you thought John was going to kill him," Claire commented.
"And that day at the radio tower when - my mother knocked him unconscious." Alex remembered. "I hate him for lying, but it's like - I hate him and love him at the same time, does that make any sense?"
Claire nodded. "I kind of know what you mean."
Alex was silent for a while, staring at her hands. Claire watched, knowing there was something more that she was leading up to saying but struggling to find the words.
"She never came for me," Alex eventually burst out. "I asked her about it, and she said it was because she knew I wouldn't remember her. But she could have come for me earlier, when I was a baby. If she had come for me back then, I wouldn't have remembered Ben, or any of the rest of them. Didn't you ever feel that with your father? Didn't you ever wonder why he didn't stand up to your mother and aunt, why he didn't come to see you anyway?"
Claire considered just how much she should tell Alex now. She remembered what Charlie had told her the day Rousseau had taken Aaron. But she also knew that by telling Alex that Rousseau had stolen Claire's baby, she risked planting more doubts in Alex's mind about her mother.
"From what I know of Ben and his people, I'm not sure how easy it would have been to get you back anyway," Claire admitted. "And I don't know much about what happened when you were a baby. But your mother did try to get you back, not long after Aaron was born."
Alex was dumbfounded. "How did you know?"
"Charlie and Sayid told me," Claire said. "They were there." She thought it was probably best to leave it at that for now, rather than tell Alex the circumstances.
"Then why didn't she?" Alex demanded.
"She thought it was never going to work. She didn't think Ben's people would ever be willing to let you go." Claire thought of the traps Sayid had described, traps clearly intended for the Others. "But I'm sure that wasn't the only time. Your mother did try to get you back, Alex."
Alex's eyes were wide as she looked at Claire. "I've been kind of hard on her," she mused at last. "I should go back, spend a bit of time with her, try and get to know her properly."
Claire smiled. "I'm sure you'll be fine.
As Alex turned to go, Claire wondered for a moment if she should have asked her any questions about her own father. Alex had read the file, after all. She must know his name, where he was now, about this other family he apparently had in America.
But she wasn't sure it mattered now. He'd never been a part of Claire's life growing up, and now she'd made the decision to remain there rather than take her chances with the people from the boat that wasn't Penny's, she doubted he'd be part of her future either. Besides, this had been about Alex, not Claire.
Maybe one day, she would try and find out more about her father. But this was not the time. It was time to leave Alex to concentrate on her own relationship with Danielle.
Alex walked away from Claire's feeling more positive about her mother now that she knew Danielle had made at least one attempt to find her. She would go back, talk to her mother again. They would make a fresh start.
After all, they had the rest of their lives to get to know each other.