Another Bitch N' Moan session; brought to you by: Your Mom Hates You
I'm falling deep and headfirst into the downward spiral caused by my mother that I nearly didn't survive through the last time.
Which scares me. to death
It seems that nothing I do pleases her. And people say, "Well, if nothing pleases her, then screw it. Please yourself." Which would be easy if she wasn't bashing into my life screaming that I'm a lazy bitch. And I'm not. I'm working and making A LOT of money. I've earned at least $1500 this summer. Which is more than I've ever made. I go out, I get my hair, nails, toenails, and eyebrows done, I take Aaron out, I pay for some of my gas-I'm not lazy. Mom doesn't even pay for most of my meals anymore. Yet, the fact that I'm financially independent from her (other than housing) has no bearing on the things I'm allowed to do or say or be.
I hate when my mom brings whoever I'm dating into our arguments. She's done that with every boyfriend I've had from Jonathan to Aaron. "You don't deserve how good they are to you." "You're a bitch to your boyfriend." "If I were him I wouldn't stay with you two seconds." (Which was said about 5 minutes ago.) Which makes me think, "Then I AM making them miserable." And this really affects my relationships because Jon really liked me and Aaron does and so they both didn't (and don't) want to lose me, yet they will if they say anything...well, it's hard to put down in words-but this isn't really for anyone else and I know what I'm talking about...so it doesn't really matter. In short, it makes me not want to date anyone and that really hurts whoever I'm dating (if they really care).
Katie has offered her house to me anytime I want to go there. Which I would do ANYTHING to take advatage of. She told me something I've never thought of before-If I keep letting my mom walk all over me and say horrible things and basically let this crap go on forever, then it will. There will be no reason for her to stop. So I'm like, "Well, I definitely want to leave." Yet, if I leave I know my mom won't talk to me for a long time or call the cops or disown me or whatever and that would mean that I wouldn't see my dad anymore. Which would break my heart. It makes me cry-------
I hate my mom for putting me in this situation. I can't believe that she said, "I was so excited when your brother becamse a senior and I went out and bought him all kinds of "Senior" things-You; I can't wait until this year is over with you." My brother-who fought with her all the time. Who would drive off when he got mad and wouldn't come back for a long time. My brother who went to live with his dad all the time because mom kicked him out. Then take a look at me. TOTAL OPPOSITE. I've never left in a rage. I've never had to be pinned down on my bed by my dad because I was so out of control that my parents were afraid of me. I'm in freakin college. Instead of struggling through high school, I'm doing well and getting a college degree at the same time. I would never in my life say that I'm better than my brother becasue I love him with all my heart and I know he's a good person. He was just normal-in dealing with my mother. I've decided by other people's reactions of that they would NEVER have lasted this long without blowing up at my mom that I am exceptionally gifted in being able to deal with all the crap that she deals to me.
My heart breaks all the time. Every time she speaks, it's to tell me something I'm not doing right, what I haven't done, who I should be who I'm not, what I should be doing, what I'm not doing. Negative Negative Negative.
I hate myself-
If only I was a little smarter, a little more organized, a little prettier, a little nicer, a little cleaner, a little thinner, a little more quiet, a little less lazy, a little less messy, a little less sloppy. If only I was better-
I watch Oprah and Dr. Phil and these women in their 20's come on there with their mothers and try to work out their problems. For instance, yesterday a young woman came on there and she had been into drugs and alcohol for a long time and blamed the problems on her mom and had not spoken to her mom in over 6 months.
I can understand why there would be problems between two people regardless of their relationship if there was drugs or alcohol involved. I'M PERFECT AND MY MOM STILL HATES ME.
she looks at me with pure disgust and her every word drips with acidic distain
my heart breaks everytime I have to go home. I always know there is something that I haven't done, that I need to do, that I didn't do right. No matter what fabulous news I have or what I may be totally thrilled about-there is always something worse that I have...caused.
So Andrea, what do you do.
what do you do.
Which scares me. to death
It seems that nothing I do pleases her. And people say, "Well, if nothing pleases her, then screw it. Please yourself." Which would be easy if she wasn't bashing into my life screaming that I'm a lazy bitch. And I'm not. I'm working and making A LOT of money. I've earned at least $1500 this summer. Which is more than I've ever made. I go out, I get my hair, nails, toenails, and eyebrows done, I take Aaron out, I pay for some of my gas-I'm not lazy. Mom doesn't even pay for most of my meals anymore. Yet, the fact that I'm financially independent from her (other than housing) has no bearing on the things I'm allowed to do or say or be.
I hate when my mom brings whoever I'm dating into our arguments. She's done that with every boyfriend I've had from Jonathan to Aaron. "You don't deserve how good they are to you." "You're a bitch to your boyfriend." "If I were him I wouldn't stay with you two seconds." (Which was said about 5 minutes ago.) Which makes me think, "Then I AM making them miserable." And this really affects my relationships because Jon really liked me and Aaron does and so they both didn't (and don't) want to lose me, yet they will if they say anything...well, it's hard to put down in words-but this isn't really for anyone else and I know what I'm talking about...so it doesn't really matter. In short, it makes me not want to date anyone and that really hurts whoever I'm dating (if they really care).
Katie has offered her house to me anytime I want to go there. Which I would do ANYTHING to take advatage of. She told me something I've never thought of before-If I keep letting my mom walk all over me and say horrible things and basically let this crap go on forever, then it will. There will be no reason for her to stop. So I'm like, "Well, I definitely want to leave." Yet, if I leave I know my mom won't talk to me for a long time or call the cops or disown me or whatever and that would mean that I wouldn't see my dad anymore. Which would break my heart. It makes me cry-------
I hate my mom for putting me in this situation. I can't believe that she said, "I was so excited when your brother becamse a senior and I went out and bought him all kinds of "Senior" things-You; I can't wait until this year is over with you." My brother-who fought with her all the time. Who would drive off when he got mad and wouldn't come back for a long time. My brother who went to live with his dad all the time because mom kicked him out. Then take a look at me. TOTAL OPPOSITE. I've never left in a rage. I've never had to be pinned down on my bed by my dad because I was so out of control that my parents were afraid of me. I'm in freakin college. Instead of struggling through high school, I'm doing well and getting a college degree at the same time. I would never in my life say that I'm better than my brother becasue I love him with all my heart and I know he's a good person. He was just normal-in dealing with my mother. I've decided by other people's reactions of that they would NEVER have lasted this long without blowing up at my mom that I am exceptionally gifted in being able to deal with all the crap that she deals to me.
My heart breaks all the time. Every time she speaks, it's to tell me something I'm not doing right, what I haven't done, who I should be who I'm not, what I should be doing, what I'm not doing. Negative Negative Negative.
I hate myself-
If only I was a little smarter, a little more organized, a little prettier, a little nicer, a little cleaner, a little thinner, a little more quiet, a little less lazy, a little less messy, a little less sloppy. If only I was better-
I watch Oprah and Dr. Phil and these women in their 20's come on there with their mothers and try to work out their problems. For instance, yesterday a young woman came on there and she had been into drugs and alcohol for a long time and blamed the problems on her mom and had not spoken to her mom in over 6 months.
I can understand why there would be problems between two people regardless of their relationship if there was drugs or alcohol involved. I'M PERFECT AND MY MOM STILL HATES ME.
she looks at me with pure disgust and her every word drips with acidic distain
my heart breaks everytime I have to go home. I always know there is something that I haven't done, that I need to do, that I didn't do right. No matter what fabulous news I have or what I may be totally thrilled about-there is always something worse that I have...caused.
So Andrea, what do you do.
what do you do.