it's nine in the afternoon (your eyes are the size of the moon)
sometimes i wonder why we choose to run ourselves raggid. i'm about at the end of my energy, the end of my strength. it's been a long few weeks.
and here i am, at the end of this, putting myself back into a position where i'm going to be responsible on a weekly basis for the safety and entertainment of roughly 30 people or so.
for those not in the loop of my recent life, i was one of a small bunch of folk who ran an amtgard event this past weekend, that had roughly 80 people in attendance. it had a japanese theme to it this year, so we made all kinds of props, clothes, and sundry things to go with it. i've been working on stuff like crazy lately, pulled an all-nighter last week to work on garb, so forth. top that with the fact that i just (successfully) ran for office in our group, which meant the week before our event having to enter an arts and sciences tournament which involved making a bunch of entries (art, photography, weapons, jewelry, etc) while trying to prepare for the event. meanwhile, katie and i have been running a quest series at our thursday night fields, which means more making/gathering props and planning. add to that a bit of work and a bit of travel and i'm bloody exhausted.
i've been barely working lately, only partially due to having so much i need to get done. even the weeks when i'm available five of the seven days of the week i'm still getting scheduled for hardly any hours. more reasons to be done with this by the end of next month, before i leave for ireland.
my rooom, my house, is a wreck but i'm not sure when i'll be able to summon the energy to clean. i need to do a metric ton of laundry; it rained most of the weekend, so lots of my garb is now stinky or still damp. and quite dirty. i need to unpack, sort out the lost and found stuff that i'm now in charge of, post a list of what i have, so forth.
as much fun as this past weekend was, and as much as i was looking forward to it, i'm so very glad that it's over. it was ridiculously stressful and emotional in a lot of ways, and it's a relief that it's passed.
other things in life are a mix of blessings and stressful ridiculousness and confusion, as per usual. i adore my friends and how much extra stuff we do together now; get-togethers and going out and just spending time with people. there are people that i draw ever closer to that i never really thought i would, and people i've gotten to know that are surprises to me. other people i thought i knew do things to confound (and sometimes hurt) me, in unexpected ways. it's interesting learning how to deal with some of it. watching myself and how i react.
i try to take a step back, but it's hard. sometimes i find myself being petty, and sometimes i find myself jealous of things i shouldn't be. sometimes i'm sure of things, and sometimes i'm just lost. i'm normally good at reading people and interpretting their actions, but some surprise me in how hard they are to figure out. is it their obliviousness to a situation, or my own? it's hard when i've become so open about certain things but people on the other end are not. i don't know if i should give up on hope or not; each time i think i should, something happens to imply elsewise; but the something could go either way really, so i just can't figure out what's going on.
i also am continually thrown by other things. it's so hard to let go, so hard, when things are dangled in front of you on a string but then pulled away. i think i'm doing better, then a little, insignificant to most thing will happen, and i realise i'm not quite so good as i thought i was. still lost. still reaching for something i can't have. something that people on the outside look at and tell me is right in front of me but refusing to admit that it's anywhere nearby, so that when i reach for it, it takes a sidestep so i can't. it doesn't move away; just dances in circles around me endlessly. keeps wrapping around my heart and won't let go.
and i'm sure that the last two paragraphs are hard to interpret unless you know me well enough to know exactly what i'm talking about; that's not the point. crypticness is fun.
i leave for ireland in a month and a half. i have yet to book any hostels; it feels distant and unreal enough still that i haven't put my foot down and done it. i can barely believe i'm going back. i need to sit down with my guidebook and figure out what i'm going to be doing; i plan on bussing around between places, so i have to see if the bus eirean schedules are online so i can figure out timing and prices.
man, puck is going to be PISSED at me when i get home for being gone for so long ><
i should go put laundry in. i need to at least wash stuff like my towel and my blankets. hurrah.
and here i am, at the end of this, putting myself back into a position where i'm going to be responsible on a weekly basis for the safety and entertainment of roughly 30 people or so.
for those not in the loop of my recent life, i was one of a small bunch of folk who ran an amtgard event this past weekend, that had roughly 80 people in attendance. it had a japanese theme to it this year, so we made all kinds of props, clothes, and sundry things to go with it. i've been working on stuff like crazy lately, pulled an all-nighter last week to work on garb, so forth. top that with the fact that i just (successfully) ran for office in our group, which meant the week before our event having to enter an arts and sciences tournament which involved making a bunch of entries (art, photography, weapons, jewelry, etc) while trying to prepare for the event. meanwhile, katie and i have been running a quest series at our thursday night fields, which means more making/gathering props and planning. add to that a bit of work and a bit of travel and i'm bloody exhausted.
i've been barely working lately, only partially due to having so much i need to get done. even the weeks when i'm available five of the seven days of the week i'm still getting scheduled for hardly any hours. more reasons to be done with this by the end of next month, before i leave for ireland.
my rooom, my house, is a wreck but i'm not sure when i'll be able to summon the energy to clean. i need to do a metric ton of laundry; it rained most of the weekend, so lots of my garb is now stinky or still damp. and quite dirty. i need to unpack, sort out the lost and found stuff that i'm now in charge of, post a list of what i have, so forth.
as much fun as this past weekend was, and as much as i was looking forward to it, i'm so very glad that it's over. it was ridiculously stressful and emotional in a lot of ways, and it's a relief that it's passed.
other things in life are a mix of blessings and stressful ridiculousness and confusion, as per usual. i adore my friends and how much extra stuff we do together now; get-togethers and going out and just spending time with people. there are people that i draw ever closer to that i never really thought i would, and people i've gotten to know that are surprises to me. other people i thought i knew do things to confound (and sometimes hurt) me, in unexpected ways. it's interesting learning how to deal with some of it. watching myself and how i react.
i try to take a step back, but it's hard. sometimes i find myself being petty, and sometimes i find myself jealous of things i shouldn't be. sometimes i'm sure of things, and sometimes i'm just lost. i'm normally good at reading people and interpretting their actions, but some surprise me in how hard they are to figure out. is it their obliviousness to a situation, or my own? it's hard when i've become so open about certain things but people on the other end are not. i don't know if i should give up on hope or not; each time i think i should, something happens to imply elsewise; but the something could go either way really, so i just can't figure out what's going on.
i also am continually thrown by other things. it's so hard to let go, so hard, when things are dangled in front of you on a string but then pulled away. i think i'm doing better, then a little, insignificant to most thing will happen, and i realise i'm not quite so good as i thought i was. still lost. still reaching for something i can't have. something that people on the outside look at and tell me is right in front of me but refusing to admit that it's anywhere nearby, so that when i reach for it, it takes a sidestep so i can't. it doesn't move away; just dances in circles around me endlessly. keeps wrapping around my heart and won't let go.
and i'm sure that the last two paragraphs are hard to interpret unless you know me well enough to know exactly what i'm talking about; that's not the point. crypticness is fun.
i leave for ireland in a month and a half. i have yet to book any hostels; it feels distant and unreal enough still that i haven't put my foot down and done it. i can barely believe i'm going back. i need to sit down with my guidebook and figure out what i'm going to be doing; i plan on bussing around between places, so i have to see if the bus eirean schedules are online so i can figure out timing and prices.
man, puck is going to be PISSED at me when i get home for being gone for so long ><
i should go put laundry in. i need to at least wash stuff like my towel and my blankets. hurrah.