Holy Crap- People are crazy
In retail, it never ends. Seriously. It NEVER ENDS. We have many types of people who have been in within the past few days. Let's take a look.
Mobile Daycare: This actually has many forms. There is the Blueberry Bingo form, which is one "adult" (using the term loosely as some "adults" are 17 or 18) surrounded by many children- most of which are offspring. In retail, this can be the case. In the offspring daycare, the children usually run around, run into things, and drop things while the mother tries to spend "Special Time" with each child in the store. "oh what did you find Sara? Lip gloss? Wow! What about you Chad? A candle? Yay!" Keep in mind that with Mobile Daycare: Offspring Edition, most of these children are aged 3-12 on average. The other type of Mobile Daycare is what I like to call Cheerleading Camp. This is where one Housewife Whore (see below entry) is in charge of 5-15 tweens. Tweens of course range from 10-13. The girls then squeal all the way through the store, trying on EVERYTHING they can, EVERY kind of lip gloss, anything that's glitter as the following phrases spew from their mouths: "O-M-G! I love this! Oh wow! This smells like, so awesome! This is sooooo cool. That's like, wow!" Gag me with a proverbial spoon. PLEASE. NOW. The most irritating thing with Mobile Daycare? The Offspring never buys anything. They touch everything to piss me off. Cheerleading Camp's offense? Height. Our counter above the door tags anyone over 4ft. Most girls at this age are over 4ft. Though their resident Housewife Whore may be buying them all something, it messes with our conversion. So, say you have 16 people come in and one purchase-- that doesn't work for us.
Bargain Shopper: One of the most infuriating shoppers. You literally want to reach out, slap them, then kick them out of the store and send them to Dollar Tree. This shopper comes in only twice a year for sales. They refuse to buy anything over $2 and then proceed to bitch that you don't carry anything like 4/$1 on items that are regularly $17 a piece. Be thankful you're getting it 75% off. This isn't a yard sale. The best part is how they dress. Most Bargain Shoppers think that they're thrifty, frugal, and way cool. They think they dress like they live at Macy's and save soo much money buy only shopping sales. This means they are usually wearing clothes that are not meant for them... either capris that are too long (when they can't pull it off), a low-cut top (that they also can't pull off) or local school team tee, and either high heeled sandals or a variation of knock-off Crocs. The icing on the cake is their purse-- a knock off of a Coach bag, Kate Spade, or what have you. They basically walk around with a sense that they're better than you with their nose in the air, when they actually barely graduated high school.
Housewife Whore: This one is one that I love to watch come in ONLY to make fun of them. She is in her 40s-60s. She will have a rich, leathery tan from the tanning bed. She will have her hair, nails, and toes all done. One frequent variation actually has hair about a foot high and she thinks it looks good. I digress. She'll dress in whatever is in style- whether it fits her or not. Most popular right now: skin tight black capri pants and a low-cut animal print top of some sort. She will ALSO be in heels- at all times (stiletto flip flops usually) and carry her designer bag. She'll have a ring on every finger and her wedding and engagement rings are always huge. She basically tries to look like Kimora Lee Simmons, without the credibility or the fashion sense. This type of woman clearly watches too much Desperate Housewives and Sex & The City. She'll try to speak in a high-class accent when she really does live in rural Indiana. The hands-down best part? She expects to be waited on hand and foot, wants it known that she's really concerned about her skin (which SHE thinks is flawless but it's actually a train wreck) and actually thinks you're here to help her and only her. Now I use Housewife Whore because of the afore mentioned properties, but also because she'll try to dress like she's fucking some young 19 year old pool boy. No, I'm not joking.
Up Yours: These people just give you the "Up Yours" attitude. You ask if you can help them find a product. "*scoff* I'm just looking." Then, when they get to the register, they not only keep the product their buying at the very edge of their side of the counter forcing you to reach ALL the way across into their space, but they throw their money at you like being asked to provide payment is a massive inconvenience to them. If it's a credit card, they'll hand (or throw) the card to you in a "heres the fucking card, bitch" manner, and I politely, smilingly tell them to run their card through the touch pad machine that's 3 inches in front of them. The look on their face of sheer embarrassment that they didn't see the huge machine in front of their face is priceless. They may go as far to bitch about the price of the non-essential products they're buying and yes, they parked their running SUV in the fire lane outside. Their average spending? $40 or more. Go on, keep bitching. I'll keep taking your money.
I have a love/hate relationship with these people. I LOVE to hate them.
Mobile Daycare: This actually has many forms. There is the Blueberry Bingo form, which is one "adult" (using the term loosely as some "adults" are 17 or 18) surrounded by many children- most of which are offspring. In retail, this can be the case. In the offspring daycare, the children usually run around, run into things, and drop things while the mother tries to spend "Special Time" with each child in the store. "oh what did you find Sara? Lip gloss? Wow! What about you Chad? A candle? Yay!" Keep in mind that with Mobile Daycare: Offspring Edition, most of these children are aged 3-12 on average. The other type of Mobile Daycare is what I like to call Cheerleading Camp. This is where one Housewife Whore (see below entry) is in charge of 5-15 tweens. Tweens of course range from 10-13. The girls then squeal all the way through the store, trying on EVERYTHING they can, EVERY kind of lip gloss, anything that's glitter as the following phrases spew from their mouths: "O-M-G! I love this! Oh wow! This smells like, so awesome! This is sooooo cool. That's like, wow!" Gag me with a proverbial spoon. PLEASE. NOW. The most irritating thing with Mobile Daycare? The Offspring never buys anything. They touch everything to piss me off. Cheerleading Camp's offense? Height. Our counter above the door tags anyone over 4ft. Most girls at this age are over 4ft. Though their resident Housewife Whore may be buying them all something, it messes with our conversion. So, say you have 16 people come in and one purchase-- that doesn't work for us.
Bargain Shopper: One of the most infuriating shoppers. You literally want to reach out, slap them, then kick them out of the store and send them to Dollar Tree. This shopper comes in only twice a year for sales. They refuse to buy anything over $2 and then proceed to bitch that you don't carry anything like 4/$1 on items that are regularly $17 a piece. Be thankful you're getting it 75% off. This isn't a yard sale. The best part is how they dress. Most Bargain Shoppers think that they're thrifty, frugal, and way cool. They think they dress like they live at Macy's and save soo much money buy only shopping sales. This means they are usually wearing clothes that are not meant for them... either capris that are too long (when they can't pull it off), a low-cut top (that they also can't pull off) or local school team tee, and either high heeled sandals or a variation of knock-off Crocs. The icing on the cake is their purse-- a knock off of a Coach bag, Kate Spade, or what have you. They basically walk around with a sense that they're better than you with their nose in the air, when they actually barely graduated high school.
Housewife Whore: This one is one that I love to watch come in ONLY to make fun of them. She is in her 40s-60s. She will have a rich, leathery tan from the tanning bed. She will have her hair, nails, and toes all done. One frequent variation actually has hair about a foot high and she thinks it looks good. I digress. She'll dress in whatever is in style- whether it fits her or not. Most popular right now: skin tight black capri pants and a low-cut animal print top of some sort. She will ALSO be in heels- at all times (stiletto flip flops usually) and carry her designer bag. She'll have a ring on every finger and her wedding and engagement rings are always huge. She basically tries to look like Kimora Lee Simmons, without the credibility or the fashion sense. This type of woman clearly watches too much Desperate Housewives and Sex & The City. She'll try to speak in a high-class accent when she really does live in rural Indiana. The hands-down best part? She expects to be waited on hand and foot, wants it known that she's really concerned about her skin (which SHE thinks is flawless but it's actually a train wreck) and actually thinks you're here to help her and only her. Now I use Housewife Whore because of the afore mentioned properties, but also because she'll try to dress like she's fucking some young 19 year old pool boy. No, I'm not joking.
Up Yours: These people just give you the "Up Yours" attitude. You ask if you can help them find a product. "*scoff* I'm just looking." Then, when they get to the register, they not only keep the product their buying at the very edge of their side of the counter forcing you to reach ALL the way across into their space, but they throw their money at you like being asked to provide payment is a massive inconvenience to them. If it's a credit card, they'll hand (or throw) the card to you in a "heres the fucking card, bitch" manner, and I politely, smilingly tell them to run their card through the touch pad machine that's 3 inches in front of them. The look on their face of sheer embarrassment that they didn't see the huge machine in front of their face is priceless. They may go as far to bitch about the price of the non-essential products they're buying and yes, they parked their running SUV in the fire lane outside. Their average spending? $40 or more. Go on, keep bitching. I'll keep taking your money.
I have a love/hate relationship with these people. I LOVE to hate them.