Awakening ...
There are brief moments lately, when I stop and realize that I had just felt normal, like myself. I feel light and child-like, happy and carefree. I start laughing at myself. I love those moments, however brief.
I have painted twice in the past five weeks. I have starting jogging again ... 3 miles standard. I have started to learn how to rock climb and boulder ... something I have wanted to do since I was 20. I spend as much time as possible with Sean; even when we drive each other crazy, it is still good. I have netflix ... no further explanation needed. I'm trying to keep a balance admist a crazy program and demanding profession.
But ... I want more ...
I haven't been to the beach in MONTHS! (Sad really, since I live less than 3 miles away.)
I want to finish a 5K in less than 30 minutes.
I want to go dancing at a real party with good DJ's.
It's an uphill battle ... I keep saying that I am doing what I want to do, but something still keeps me doing what I think I am supposed to be doing:
I got entangled in another research project. Yes, ma'am, I did.
I am consulting for my old agency that is theoretically a large corporation, despite being non-profit.
I want to work for a feminist organization but am drawn to work for the public defenders office. ARG!
I have not job, no money, no plans for the summer. Probably because I don't want to have to work.
I feel like I have to be perfect, when I'm happier being crazy, unpredictable nan.
I am still making all A's, even though I'm in a program where it doesn't matter!!!
I feel like I have to know all the answers, when really sometimes all we need is silence.
Man ... trying to figure out how to let go without the aid of anything is hard.
I have painted twice in the past five weeks. I have starting jogging again ... 3 miles standard. I have started to learn how to rock climb and boulder ... something I have wanted to do since I was 20. I spend as much time as possible with Sean; even when we drive each other crazy, it is still good. I have netflix ... no further explanation needed. I'm trying to keep a balance admist a crazy program and demanding profession.
But ... I want more ...
I haven't been to the beach in MONTHS! (Sad really, since I live less than 3 miles away.)
I want to finish a 5K in less than 30 minutes.
I want to go dancing at a real party with good DJ's.
It's an uphill battle ... I keep saying that I am doing what I want to do, but something still keeps me doing what I think I am supposed to be doing:
I got entangled in another research project. Yes, ma'am, I did.
I am consulting for my old agency that is theoretically a large corporation, despite being non-profit.
I want to work for a feminist organization but am drawn to work for the public defenders office. ARG!
I have not job, no money, no plans for the summer. Probably because I don't want to have to work.
I feel like I have to be perfect, when I'm happier being crazy, unpredictable nan.
I am still making all A's, even though I'm in a program where it doesn't matter!!!
I feel like I have to know all the answers, when really sometimes all we need is silence.
Man ... trying to figure out how to let go without the aid of anything is hard.