I am so stupid sometimes
While staying home from school and contemplating my life today I realized a few things, and I am now going to relay them.
1) I wear my heart on my sleeve, so to speak. Kind of. I've decided that from now on, it's not a very good idea for me to tell people much about my life. It may sound stupid, but its like once someone does something nice, I open up to the idea that everyone else isnt so bad, and then I just get thrashed, and it blows.
2) Something stranged happened the other day. What generally happens to me with friendships is once I think I can trust a person, or can like, become close to them I really distance myself. I think it is because I am afraid of the above relayed realization, at least the thrashing bit, lol. However, there is one thing at this point in time that I have only told one person (who I barely know) and the opposite sort of happened. I didn't completely freak out and go into my shell type thing, though I did/am freaking out about everything else right now. It's weird, I'm basically pulling away from everyone I know, except for one person, who I dont know? Does that seem weird to anyone else? Cuz it sounds weird to me...
3) I am, dear God, a hypocrit. To all of my friends, I am soooo sorry for all that "rah I hate you because nobody cares" crap. I still am basically unsatisfied with a lot of things, but I realized that I'm not much different than everyone else. They're all "blah blah I'm too busy with my significant other." If I had someone whom I loved and cared for, I probably wouldnt devote much time to you either. Ouch, I really hate to say that but I'm not going to lie and say it's not true. I just need one other person; some form of companionship, and I basically wont hafta bother anyone ever again. Except for my unfortunate counterpart >D.
4) The Last Samurai was a fucking great movie, thank you Dan. That wasn't originally something I was going to put in here, but I had an ADD moment and forgot what I was going to write. Yup.
5) Oh right, I remember now. Halfway through committing various acts of masochism, I realized that some things are not worth beating yourself up over, and some things are. I did not, (this time) fuck anything up. However, I think this whole situation does deserve some recognition. There are a lot of things in ones life that will hurt them, but in time those wounds cotterize (sp?) and leave a scar. Basically what I'm saying here is that I (in most cases) manifest certain things physically. If something in my life hurts me enough to make a scar, I have to give myself a sort of physical reminder. The past is what makes me who I am today. Not only the good times, and fond memories, but the scars and the pain as well, and I'm not just going to block out parts of my life because they are undesirable and hurtful. This is who I am, and I think I'm starting to come to terms with that. This is my life, and it's all I've got.
Peace, Love, Empathy
1) I wear my heart on my sleeve, so to speak. Kind of. I've decided that from now on, it's not a very good idea for me to tell people much about my life. It may sound stupid, but its like once someone does something nice, I open up to the idea that everyone else isnt so bad, and then I just get thrashed, and it blows.
2) Something stranged happened the other day. What generally happens to me with friendships is once I think I can trust a person, or can like, become close to them I really distance myself. I think it is because I am afraid of the above relayed realization, at least the thrashing bit, lol. However, there is one thing at this point in time that I have only told one person (who I barely know) and the opposite sort of happened. I didn't completely freak out and go into my shell type thing, though I did/am freaking out about everything else right now. It's weird, I'm basically pulling away from everyone I know, except for one person, who I dont know? Does that seem weird to anyone else? Cuz it sounds weird to me...
3) I am, dear God, a hypocrit. To all of my friends, I am soooo sorry for all that "rah I hate you because nobody cares" crap. I still am basically unsatisfied with a lot of things, but I realized that I'm not much different than everyone else. They're all "blah blah I'm too busy with my significant other." If I had someone whom I loved and cared for, I probably wouldnt devote much time to you either. Ouch, I really hate to say that but I'm not going to lie and say it's not true. I just need one other person; some form of companionship, and I basically wont hafta bother anyone ever again. Except for my unfortunate counterpart >D.
4) The Last Samurai was a fucking great movie, thank you Dan. That wasn't originally something I was going to put in here, but I had an ADD moment and forgot what I was going to write. Yup.
5) Oh right, I remember now. Halfway through committing various acts of masochism, I realized that some things are not worth beating yourself up over, and some things are. I did not, (this time) fuck anything up. However, I think this whole situation does deserve some recognition. There are a lot of things in ones life that will hurt them, but in time those wounds cotterize (sp?) and leave a scar. Basically what I'm saying here is that I (in most cases) manifest certain things physically. If something in my life hurts me enough to make a scar, I have to give myself a sort of physical reminder. The past is what makes me who I am today. Not only the good times, and fond memories, but the scars and the pain as well, and I'm not just going to block out parts of my life because they are undesirable and hurtful. This is who I am, and I think I'm starting to come to terms with that. This is my life, and it's all I've got.
Peace, Love, Empathy