looking for a way
I carry the past with me.
I carry anger and resentments with me.
I accept the fact that I need time to deal with these issues.
by allowing these emotions to affect me as they do, the truth of what actually is will be hidden from me.
acceptance, it is said...is an act of courage. a right of passage.
passing from denial into reality. facing your fears and allowing reality to sink in.
as I grow and learn ( my learning curve is actually a long curve in the rood....gradual but curved. )
things become clearer about why things actually happened as they did.
why I felt what I felt.
why I reacted as I did.
why things affected me in the manner they did.
life is hard, often difficult and often more impossible than not.
my mother used to quote a line of scripture from the bible..." God will make a way where the way seems impossible"
I do believe in God.
I also have learned that God specializes in the impossible...he often uses the simple things to shake up the logic
of the wise and intellectual mind.
knowledge is power, but not everything in this world.
the man who can take the leap of faith and trust in something greater than himself is someone I admire.
someone unafraid to accept reality.
someone that realizes, just because something is happening or going on around him...does not mean you have to be happy with it or agree with it.
this leave emotion out of the loop and stops denial dead in its tracks.
only from this place can one approach a solution sans the emotional influences that often get us into trouble.
life changed for me this year.
life took me in a direction I had not anticipated.
the curve in the road took an unexpected turn and left me sitting there, stranded with ALL of my emotional baggage to deal with. the why's, the how do I's, the I wish's, all the confusion I could tolerate and more.
it became more stressful than I had imagined and my body reacted in kind.
it shows on my face and my health has suffered.
I will be fine and I will grow and eventually learn....I want to take the experiences of this year and apply them to my life as best I know how...so that when the road curves again, I am better prepared to make a stand.
I am so human it hurts at times.
I am weak and I panic.
fear grips me and all the word vomit comes rushing up and anger takes hold and pushes me out of the boundaries of acceptable behavior.
I wind up feeling useless and stupid.
I am learning.....I will be fine and I will be better because of these things. I will make it my business to be so.
when one door closes...another opens....
so...when people walk through their own open door and leave me behind, I cannot fault them.
it hurts and I miss them and I also wish like heck that things had not changed as they did, but hey...my door is open too. there are things, people and experiences waiting for me that are just as important as anyone else's door.
the opportunity to be better and wiser and stronger is appealing to me.
whether I wind up with no friends or people I can treasure and shower with all the love I can find is irrelevant...life sends me what I need when I need it. I trust in that universal constant, I believe a higher power looks after me.
even when I am foolish and human, I am blessed, safe and protected.
I worry less about other's forgiving me and their conditional acceptance and more about whether I forgive myself for not being something better than circumstance.
so, I'm still on this journey. new pages, new chapters, new people come and they go....one day, life will send me something wonderful. when it does, I will know better and do better.
until then, I'm looking for a way to keep myself busy and occupied.
I look to things I used to take for granted once upon a time.
I look to myself to get the things I want and need for my life, if the time is not right...later on it may very well be time.
life is a process...and those often take time.
this time I am willing to invest in that process and grow.
today will be a good day.
I carry anger and resentments with me.
I accept the fact that I need time to deal with these issues.
by allowing these emotions to affect me as they do, the truth of what actually is will be hidden from me.
acceptance, it is said...is an act of courage. a right of passage.
passing from denial into reality. facing your fears and allowing reality to sink in.
as I grow and learn ( my learning curve is actually a long curve in the rood....gradual but curved. )
things become clearer about why things actually happened as they did.
why I felt what I felt.
why I reacted as I did.
why things affected me in the manner they did.
life is hard, often difficult and often more impossible than not.
my mother used to quote a line of scripture from the bible..." God will make a way where the way seems impossible"
I do believe in God.
I also have learned that God specializes in the impossible...he often uses the simple things to shake up the logic
of the wise and intellectual mind.
knowledge is power, but not everything in this world.
the man who can take the leap of faith and trust in something greater than himself is someone I admire.
someone unafraid to accept reality.
someone that realizes, just because something is happening or going on around him...does not mean you have to be happy with it or agree with it.
this leave emotion out of the loop and stops denial dead in its tracks.
only from this place can one approach a solution sans the emotional influences that often get us into trouble.
life changed for me this year.
life took me in a direction I had not anticipated.
the curve in the road took an unexpected turn and left me sitting there, stranded with ALL of my emotional baggage to deal with. the why's, the how do I's, the I wish's, all the confusion I could tolerate and more.
it became more stressful than I had imagined and my body reacted in kind.
it shows on my face and my health has suffered.
I will be fine and I will grow and eventually learn....I want to take the experiences of this year and apply them to my life as best I know how...so that when the road curves again, I am better prepared to make a stand.
I am so human it hurts at times.
I am weak and I panic.
fear grips me and all the word vomit comes rushing up and anger takes hold and pushes me out of the boundaries of acceptable behavior.
I wind up feeling useless and stupid.
I am learning.....I will be fine and I will be better because of these things. I will make it my business to be so.
when one door closes...another opens....
so...when people walk through their own open door and leave me behind, I cannot fault them.
it hurts and I miss them and I also wish like heck that things had not changed as they did, but hey...my door is open too. there are things, people and experiences waiting for me that are just as important as anyone else's door.
the opportunity to be better and wiser and stronger is appealing to me.
whether I wind up with no friends or people I can treasure and shower with all the love I can find is irrelevant...life sends me what I need when I need it. I trust in that universal constant, I believe a higher power looks after me.
even when I am foolish and human, I am blessed, safe and protected.
I worry less about other's forgiving me and their conditional acceptance and more about whether I forgive myself for not being something better than circumstance.
so, I'm still on this journey. new pages, new chapters, new people come and they go....one day, life will send me something wonderful. when it does, I will know better and do better.
until then, I'm looking for a way to keep myself busy and occupied.
I look to things I used to take for granted once upon a time.
I look to myself to get the things I want and need for my life, if the time is not right...later on it may very well be time.
life is a process...and those often take time.
this time I am willing to invest in that process and grow.
today will be a good day.