"Looking back at me I see That I never really got it right"....
This is for all who it applies to.
"I never really wanted you to see
The screwed up side of me that I keep
Locked inside of me so deep
It always seems to get to me
I never really wanted you to go
So many things you should have known
I guess for me theres just no hope
I never meant to be so cold
What I really meant to say
Is I'm sorry for the way I am
I never meant to be so cold to you"
------------------------------------------------------
Well This is what I've come up with today. Isn't life amazing one day you find a small bit of peace and the next your practically back at square one. I'm in a good enough mood right now that i can laugh at the irony of it all.
I guess it just helps to confirm that life is so unprecitable. No wonder rules don't work.
yesterday wasn't directed at anyone in preticular, no it wasnt aimed at anyone at all. I wasn't looking to rattle anyones cage, i was looking to calm the storm in my head. ive always said that some express themselves in so many ways, art, poetry, i just find writing, what seems like endless books, of personal thoughts to be mine. I analyse everything, my life, other people, my thoughts and then i write it down. sometimes as i write i have an epiphany and i end up thinking of things and new ideas or concepts that i hadnt thought about before i began to make a hard copy of it all, so putting it all down is so important to me and my self discovery.
i was getting out what is in my head, if i don't get things out they stay in there forever, and its like bill and teds own personal hell... you just choose a door and you find some sort of endless personal misery that plays over and over. Im not arguing, i'm done with that, i put myself out there and argued once but i will not make a fool of myself arguing over and again for a lost cause. go. be gone. move on and be happy, im happy for you, i have a zillion issues to work through and thats going to become my first priority from now on anyway, everything else is me trying to figure shit out and healing. and thanks by the way for reminding me and putting it into perspective. i think this is the push ive needed for so long to do something about it. how aweful it has to be that someone has to make you bleed in order for you to help yourself. outch. outch alot. I bled from my wrists and neck today, but i am going to try and make things right, and if i cant make them right, then ill try my best to not let it keep happening.
what is it? its my own personal battle that has been playing on in my head for longer then i can remember. My issues go way beyond anything any of you know, therefore they have little to do with anyone but myself and im not looking to push them onto anyone, im asking ANYONE who wants to be supportive to help. anyone who knows me knows that i keep most things to myself and how hard of a time i have talking and such, but right now im trying to grow some balls and I am SCREAMING for help, from WHOEVER can emotionally afford to give it.
i almost feel like this goes so far that maybe its in my foundation and non fixable. maybe i was born a selfish girl with a cold black heart. but the fact that i care too much not to be this way, and not to bother other people with it must mean that part of me is good and for right now at least i will choose to believe that things can get better and that i can change.
I have a huge hurddle in front of me, one that ive been ignoring and avoiding for so many years, but its time to deal with it. This past year ive said i would take that first step to getting help, but i didnt and since then ive screwed up another friendship. I'm tired of loosing people i care about and loosing them because it seems i dont care. sometimes i wish all i had to do to communicate was just touch them and let my thoughts feelings and emotions just transfer into that person. Because even sometimes things get lost in translation through words. I'm down to you last few friends those who some how been blessed by god to have the patients to deal with me, and the wisdom to understand why i am the way i am. And if there is someone who doesnt but is willing to learn i'd be greatful for ur grace and strength and will take anything you are willing to give me. its up to you just let me know.
i go now to wait for my mother, we have a very long over due talk to have.
"I never really wanted you to see
The screwed up side of me that I keep
Locked inside of me so deep
It always seems to get to me
I never really wanted you to go
So many things you should have known
I guess for me theres just no hope
I never meant to be so cold
What I really meant to say
Is I'm sorry for the way I am
I never meant to be so cold to you"
------------------------------------------------------
Well This is what I've come up with today. Isn't life amazing one day you find a small bit of peace and the next your practically back at square one. I'm in a good enough mood right now that i can laugh at the irony of it all.
I guess it just helps to confirm that life is so unprecitable. No wonder rules don't work.
yesterday wasn't directed at anyone in preticular, no it wasnt aimed at anyone at all. I wasn't looking to rattle anyones cage, i was looking to calm the storm in my head. ive always said that some express themselves in so many ways, art, poetry, i just find writing, what seems like endless books, of personal thoughts to be mine. I analyse everything, my life, other people, my thoughts and then i write it down. sometimes as i write i have an epiphany and i end up thinking of things and new ideas or concepts that i hadnt thought about before i began to make a hard copy of it all, so putting it all down is so important to me and my self discovery.
i was getting out what is in my head, if i don't get things out they stay in there forever, and its like bill and teds own personal hell... you just choose a door and you find some sort of endless personal misery that plays over and over. Im not arguing, i'm done with that, i put myself out there and argued once but i will not make a fool of myself arguing over and again for a lost cause. go. be gone. move on and be happy, im happy for you, i have a zillion issues to work through and thats going to become my first priority from now on anyway, everything else is me trying to figure shit out and healing. and thanks by the way for reminding me and putting it into perspective. i think this is the push ive needed for so long to do something about it. how aweful it has to be that someone has to make you bleed in order for you to help yourself. outch. outch alot. I bled from my wrists and neck today, but i am going to try and make things right, and if i cant make them right, then ill try my best to not let it keep happening.
what is it? its my own personal battle that has been playing on in my head for longer then i can remember. My issues go way beyond anything any of you know, therefore they have little to do with anyone but myself and im not looking to push them onto anyone, im asking ANYONE who wants to be supportive to help. anyone who knows me knows that i keep most things to myself and how hard of a time i have talking and such, but right now im trying to grow some balls and I am SCREAMING for help, from WHOEVER can emotionally afford to give it.
i almost feel like this goes so far that maybe its in my foundation and non fixable. maybe i was born a selfish girl with a cold black heart. but the fact that i care too much not to be this way, and not to bother other people with it must mean that part of me is good and for right now at least i will choose to believe that things can get better and that i can change.
I have a huge hurddle in front of me, one that ive been ignoring and avoiding for so many years, but its time to deal with it. This past year ive said i would take that first step to getting help, but i didnt and since then ive screwed up another friendship. I'm tired of loosing people i care about and loosing them because it seems i dont care. sometimes i wish all i had to do to communicate was just touch them and let my thoughts feelings and emotions just transfer into that person. Because even sometimes things get lost in translation through words. I'm down to you last few friends those who some how been blessed by god to have the patients to deal with me, and the wisdom to understand why i am the way i am. And if there is someone who doesnt but is willing to learn i'd be greatful for ur grace and strength and will take anything you are willing to give me. its up to you just let me know.
i go now to wait for my mother, we have a very long over due talk to have.