I'm so Low. I'm so High.
Having conquered my not-quite-the-flu, I woke up slightly hung-over at William & Timea's. Incredible brunch at Paprika with their friends visiting from Ithaca and Philly, then a great time watching dogs in the Tompkin's dog runs. I'd really like a dog, I do think.
Came home to realize I had a bunch of work I didn't want to do in the slightest. Hit the down swing and low point of my cycle in the afternoon/evening. Contemplated dropping out of school. Ate too much ramen. Drank too much coffee. Smoked a cigarette, which seems to be the safe indicator of my low points. I only ever smoke when depressed, which is thankfully not that often anymore.
And then around 2:00 this morning, something incredible happened. I opened up text-edit and began churning out poem after poem after poem. I only ever write poetry for others these days. Alex was hit up (as those of you know who are on that list know), John was hit up, William, Mark Dickerman, some old boyfriends. It all just came pouring out and it felt sososo good. And then I found myself wondering what I was doing here and not at some liberal arts college in the middle of nowhere.
And then I finished Act Two of my thesis and that felt even better. And it all kept spilling out, and by 5:00, I was 1/4 of the way through Act Three. We're in the final legs, folks! I'm about 20-25 pages away from having the first draft of my thesis (working title: If It Was You) done. Fucking done! I'm at page 65, so our final page count will be around 85ish-90ish. And it feels so good to be writing this script, because it is everything inside me I've never talked about. The ostrasization in Batavia, the accusations of homosexuality, the awakening of my inner dyke, the confusion, the betrayals, the hats. Oh god, the HATS ares in my thesis!
This script is me. Every single character in this script is me. And everything this script has to say is the thing I have been unable to verbalize until now. And it feels so good because when you write something good, you know it's good. You can feel it in the base of your spine, in the bottom of your gut, and at the top of your heart. You just know. And I know. And so many mentors have told me this feeling wouldn't come for a long time, and I have it. I've got it in my hands, and everyone around me can sense it and it's so exciting. I'm doing good work, important work. Mark was right: I've got this screenwriting thing down, pat.
Today, I woke up in euphoria.
Came home to realize I had a bunch of work I didn't want to do in the slightest. Hit the down swing and low point of my cycle in the afternoon/evening. Contemplated dropping out of school. Ate too much ramen. Drank too much coffee. Smoked a cigarette, which seems to be the safe indicator of my low points. I only ever smoke when depressed, which is thankfully not that often anymore.
And then around 2:00 this morning, something incredible happened. I opened up text-edit and began churning out poem after poem after poem. I only ever write poetry for others these days. Alex was hit up (as those of you know who are on that list know), John was hit up, William, Mark Dickerman, some old boyfriends. It all just came pouring out and it felt sososo good. And then I found myself wondering what I was doing here and not at some liberal arts college in the middle of nowhere.
And then I finished Act Two of my thesis and that felt even better. And it all kept spilling out, and by 5:00, I was 1/4 of the way through Act Three. We're in the final legs, folks! I'm about 20-25 pages away from having the first draft of my thesis (working title: If It Was You) done. Fucking done! I'm at page 65, so our final page count will be around 85ish-90ish. And it feels so good to be writing this script, because it is everything inside me I've never talked about. The ostrasization in Batavia, the accusations of homosexuality, the awakening of my inner dyke, the confusion, the betrayals, the hats. Oh god, the HATS ares in my thesis!
This script is me. Every single character in this script is me. And everything this script has to say is the thing I have been unable to verbalize until now. And it feels so good because when you write something good, you know it's good. You can feel it in the base of your spine, in the bottom of your gut, and at the top of your heart. You just know. And I know. And so many mentors have told me this feeling wouldn't come for a long time, and I have it. I've got it in my hands, and everyone around me can sense it and it's so exciting. I'm doing good work, important work. Mark was right: I've got this screenwriting thing down, pat.
Today, I woke up in euphoria.