Christmas Letter
Dear Santa,
Please actually give me what's on my Christmas list this year. I'm so bloody sick of writing you every December and consequentially being ignored- I don't have to put those cookies out for you each Christmas Eve, you know! How would you like going a year without a plate of Oreos I've whittled into humorous and slightly lewd holiday designs when you drop down my chimney? I mean, really, I don't think either of us would want THAT tradition to stop, but I will if that's the only way to make myself heard!
...by the way, yes, I know you're imaginary and it's actually just Vyvyan who eats the cookies I prepare for you, but it's the principle of the matter. I know if you were real you'd consider them a favorite food!
That said, this year I've been a very good boy, and deserve a lot from you! In fact, for all the terrible things I always suffer without any sort of reprieve, you should pretty much be stacking your entire sleigh only for me! But I realize you must have some sort of "present recipient quota" to fill, so I've done some thinking and decided that I'll just ask for one thing this Christmas. Something reasonable.
Santa, I want you to give me a woman.
No, not just any random woman! I have some specific requirements! I want her to be pretty, like my wife; a real knockout, big you-know-whats, a sweet smile. But I want her to not be nearly as flip-flopish about our relationship (God, my wife...one minute she's totally all into me talking about being together forever, the next she's calling me words I don't think I'm capable of repeating and electrocuting me! It makes daily interactions very strained, if you know what I mean!). This gifted (ha ha, a pun! I'm so clever) woman needs to be madly in love with me, almost a slave really...or at least enough in love with me that I can finally get as far as second base (I've gotten there before, Santa, but it's not so satisfying when it's with your reflection in a mirror).
Also, it probably wouldn't hurt if she was blind so she could never see another man and run off with him while I was out at class.
Otherwise, I'm pretty flexible about the rest of her. Oh, and make sure she appreciates good music when she hears it! It's probably safe to assume she does if you give me a former Cliff Richard groupie ("former" because she's now devoting herself entirely to me).
Do this for me, Santa, and I'll see that next Christmas you get double the normal holiday Oreo load I typically leave!
Sincerely,
Rick
The People's Poet
Blimey, did I just write that? Ha, it seems rather ridiculous when I re-read it now! -Yes, that's it! It's all just a wonderful joke Christmas wishlist for Santa and you all believed it was real like the gullible nobodies you are! Well, ha ha! I'm too clever for the lot of you!
Please actually give me what's on my Christmas list this year. I'm so bloody sick of writing you every December and consequentially being ignored- I don't have to put those cookies out for you each Christmas Eve, you know! How would you like going a year without a plate of Oreos I've whittled into humorous and slightly lewd holiday designs when you drop down my chimney? I mean, really, I don't think either of us would want THAT tradition to stop, but I will if that's the only way to make myself heard!
...by the way, yes, I know you're imaginary and it's actually just Vyvyan who eats the cookies I prepare for you, but it's the principle of the matter. I know if you were real you'd consider them a favorite food!
That said, this year I've been a very good boy, and deserve a lot from you! In fact, for all the terrible things I always suffer without any sort of reprieve, you should pretty much be stacking your entire sleigh only for me! But I realize you must have some sort of "present recipient quota" to fill, so I've done some thinking and decided that I'll just ask for one thing this Christmas. Something reasonable.
Santa, I want you to give me a woman.
No, not just any random woman! I have some specific requirements! I want her to be pretty, like my wife; a real knockout, big you-know-whats, a sweet smile. But I want her to not be nearly as flip-flopish about our relationship (God, my wife...one minute she's totally all into me talking about being together forever, the next she's calling me words I don't think I'm capable of repeating and electrocuting me! It makes daily interactions very strained, if you know what I mean!). This gifted (ha ha, a pun! I'm so clever) woman needs to be madly in love with me, almost a slave really...or at least enough in love with me that I can finally get as far as second base (I've gotten there before, Santa, but it's not so satisfying when it's with your reflection in a mirror).
Also, it probably wouldn't hurt if she was blind so she could never see another man and run off with him while I was out at class.
Otherwise, I'm pretty flexible about the rest of her. Oh, and make sure she appreciates good music when she hears it! It's probably safe to assume she does if you give me a former Cliff Richard groupie ("former" because she's now devoting herself entirely to me).
Do this for me, Santa, and I'll see that next Christmas you get double the normal holiday Oreo load I typically leave!
Sincerely,
Rick
The People's Poet
Blimey, did I just write that? Ha, it seems rather ridiculous when I re-read it now! -Yes, that's it! It's all just a wonderful joke Christmas wishlist for Santa and you all believed it was real like the gullible nobodies you are! Well, ha ha! I'm too clever for the lot of you!