Stand Back And Watch
Title: Stand back and watch
Author: Ellie
Rating: PG-13
Pairings/Characters: Cassidy
Spoilers: Pre 2.09. That's all.
Summary: He couldn't be the Beav anymore.
**
Whatever happened, he was always the Beav. The best, the worst, the shit and the joy, he was, the Beav. Even his parents (if he could call them parents) didn’t call him otherwise. Sometimes it was Beaver, when the people around him were merciful.
He was the Beav. Tied to a big Dick. Nothing could go on in his life without his larger, blonder, dumber big brother getting his nose in. He had to know what was happening for the Beav, and eventually screw it up royally. Always. It wasn’t on purpose all the time and that was why the Beav was indulgent. Dick wasn’t an ass perpetually. He was just, like that, and the Beav had learnt to live with it.
His childhood hadn’t been the worst, though. Being so close in age with Dick helped matters a bit for the Beav, since as long as he stuck to his brother, he wasn’t alone. His so-called friends couldn’t care less about him and he knew it, but still, what mattered was that the Beav wasn’t on his own.
The teenage years were harder. Dick grew and the Beav didn’t. Dick got it on with girls and all the Beav could do was stand back and watch. He developed a weird obsession for the princess of Neptune, the one he would never, ever have, and he knew it. That may have been the reason he fell so hard for her games.
Lilly Kane mostly despised the Beav. He didn’t think she ever knew his real name, or even wanted to know it. She was with Logan, she was cherished, she was rebellious, sexy and free. Everything the Beav couldn’t get, couldn’t be, and couldn’t have. He reached for a sun among the multitude of stars, violent, wild.
He never talked when she was around. By any means, she would steal the flow of the conversation and make herself the focus in a flash. He hated her and wanted her at the same time. The more she was cruel to him, the more he asked for it. But neither Dick, nor Logan, ever got a hint of it.
As much as he loved his brother in his own twisted way, the Beav couldn’t stand to imagine his secret revealed, for Dick to know that he had a desire for Lilly Kane. Dick would have dug his grave for him, knowing his loyalty to Logan, and so the Beav kept everything to himself, the burning trace of Lilly’s smile embedded in his heart.
They weren’t even friends, merely acquaintances, and still, his mind was clogged by thought of her all the time. The Beav knew that he had no chance whatsoever and was smart enough not to hope. After all, she was out of his league and never lost a chance to tell him.She was only kidding, but it was reminded him of his screwed up life.
Dick was unaware of it. He thought the Beav was just shy and secretive, something like that. He never asked the Beav what he thought about Kendall; about the fact that he got to spend time with their father; about their sharing the name Dick...he didn’t care, really. He didn’t realize. Depth wasn’t a Dick feature.
That was a Beav feature. The thinking part was on his side of their parted brains. He would have loved to be like his brother, to care only about his well-being and f*ck the rest, but he just couldn’t.
And Lilly wouldn’t let him. When he tried to stop thinking about her, she didn’t let him. When he tried to think only about himself, and tried to get his life back on track, she didn’t let him. And even now, she wouldn’t let him. He wasn’t the Beav without this obsession.
She was dead, for God’s sake! She wasn’t there anymore to bug him with her constant kidding, she wasn’t there anymore to tempt him with her looks, she just wasn’t there, and the empty space she left was a gash in his body, in his soul, and the Beav missed her.
He never understood why he felt that way, as he should have felt some sort of relief with her death. But the Beav never let go of it. He got angry deep within his heart, needing revenge, a thirst he didn’t know how to quench.
He hid even deeper within himself after her murder. The events of the year got him to a new level of secrecy, where even his brother couldn’t go. Sarcasm and a façade of stupidity became his best friends to protect himself against Dick, against Logan, against everybody. He used his intelligence to get away with everything. The Beav became cunning, and almost dangerous.
If only he wasn’t so scared of letting go of his brother. The Beav needed the Dick to be strong. He needed the carelessness, the fat jokes, the wrong ideas and the trouble. He needed to be a part of this to be alive. To feel something else, something other than blinding rage.
He hated Abel Koontz. That guy stole Lilly’s life, and for that, the Beav would hate him forever. He would never show it of course; a well-built empty mask every time Abel’s face was on TV, even if inside, his emotions were always threatening to submerge him in uncontrollable waves of fury.
He was overwhelmed. Before, when Lilly was there, it was easy. Waking up in the morning, knowing he would see her at school. Going to lunch, knowing he would hate her for picking on him. Leaving school, knowing he would love her in his wildest dreams, alone, at night.
But now that she left, the Beav didn’t know what to think, or do anymore. Everything was changing around him, from Veronica to Logan, without even talking about Duncan. Even Dick wasn’t the same as before.
Lilly left them all, tearing them apart and breaking them. They had to pick up the pieces before the wind swept them away forever. But he was still the Beav. Insignificant. Smart but cowardly Beav. The guy with a nickname for an identity. And it didn’t surprise him that her death didn’t change that. Why would it?
It was raining in sheets when he got up that morning, knowing he would never, ever be the Beav anymore. It was never rained in Neptune.
On his knees in the muddy grass, his hands down on the ground, he looked at the name engraved on the stone with his eyes narrowed. He couldn’t decipher if he was angry or pained. It was his first time here. He let the water mark his cheeks and obscure his vision, as his hair fell on his forehead, dripping on his nose in rivulets.
He had never had the strength to go see her before. But today was another day. Today was the day he decided he would never, ever be the Beav anymore.
He would show the world he could be more than the Beav. Starting now. He heard the sound of footsteps, the splashing of puddles of waters, but he didn’t move. He smelled the slight, feminine perfume that impregnated the air, but he didn’t budge. He took a breath, and put one trembling hand on the name ‘Lilly’, caressing it.
The blonde girl crouched beside him, but he didn’t acknowledge her. A whisper escaped her lips.
“Hello, Cassidy.”
A smile crept up his lips. He wasn’t the Beav anymore.