Odd, ain't it?
I hate myself. You fucking, FUCKING idiot.
Yes, this is another emo post.
I'm sure no-one will want to listen, so instead im gonna pour it out here, and I advise you all to stop reading now so's you don't get brought down by what I need to get off my chest.
I've gone and completely, utterly, absolutely and totally fallen for her. The most AMAZING girl i've ever come across.
And i'm telling myself, i'm trying to make myself believe that she's not interested in me.
Because for one, why would she be? She can a LOT better. And secondly, if I can move on, if I can stop feeling this way, then it won't hurt.
Because i'm THIS close to telling her exactly how I feel.
And I know that right now, she reall doesn't need to hear that anyone's in love with her, let alone me.
I'm pretty convinced she doesn't feel 'that' way about me, not even a slight bit.
But there's also a part of me that knows that emtionally, that personality-wise, that inside, we are perfect together. I know, and for fuck's sake don't aruge, I know that i'm not the best anyone could ever do looks-wise. I know that someone as stunning as her could do a hundred times better than me.
And even though she says that looks don't matter, even though I believe her when she says that, I still think i'm not a guy she could ever like in that way.
Because it's been proven to me too many times before that even though people say that, even thought I can have a perfect bond with someone, i'm STILL not the one they want. Even when there's no-one else. Yes, that's happened to me. A girl being alone has been a more attractive prospect than going out with me.
I'm not sure any of you will know how that feels.
I know that right now, I feel like an utter ball of shit.
I just don't know how I could take this. My whole body is preparing for rejection, and at the same time, i'm trying to force myself to not feel this way about her, so when I do get rejected, it won't hurt.
And i'd give it all up for her. Fucking everything. Jesus, she means THAT much to me. Yeah, ok, i've never felt this way about a girl before.
When I get that feeling that I want to tell her how I feel...it honestly feels like i'm dying. I can't breathe, I get so warm, I shake, I feel sick, I can't think. Nobody's ever done that to me. No-one.
I've allowed myself to get into a position where I don't want to see my future without her by my side. I'd allowed myself to think I had a chance at attaining that future. And now here I am, on the verge of what i'm now convinced will be inevitable heartbreak. Because it ALWAYS is. I don't know any different.
I wish I could stop caring, but I just can't.
But i'm also glad i'm here, because nobody's ever made me feel this way before. I've never felt a love like this for someone before. And for that, I thank her. For allowing me to feel like that.
It just hurts that i'm convincing myself that this will be yet another fruitless love.
Everything would be so much easier if I knew how she felt about me. Despite my every effort to find out a little bit about that, to see if I can't get some tiny piece of info as to how she does feel about me, I still don't know. If I knew I had a chance, i'd tell her how I felt.
But I care too damn much to tell her and to have it fuck her up. I actually care more about her state of mind than my own. I'd rather see me get fucked up than see her suffer.
Odd, ain't it?
Yes, this is another emo post.
I'm sure no-one will want to listen, so instead im gonna pour it out here, and I advise you all to stop reading now so's you don't get brought down by what I need to get off my chest.
I've gone and completely, utterly, absolutely and totally fallen for her. The most AMAZING girl i've ever come across.
And i'm telling myself, i'm trying to make myself believe that she's not interested in me.
Because for one, why would she be? She can a LOT better. And secondly, if I can move on, if I can stop feeling this way, then it won't hurt.
Because i'm THIS close to telling her exactly how I feel.
And I know that right now, she reall doesn't need to hear that anyone's in love with her, let alone me.
I'm pretty convinced she doesn't feel 'that' way about me, not even a slight bit.
But there's also a part of me that knows that emtionally, that personality-wise, that inside, we are perfect together. I know, and for fuck's sake don't aruge, I know that i'm not the best anyone could ever do looks-wise. I know that someone as stunning as her could do a hundred times better than me.
And even though she says that looks don't matter, even though I believe her when she says that, I still think i'm not a guy she could ever like in that way.
Because it's been proven to me too many times before that even though people say that, even thought I can have a perfect bond with someone, i'm STILL not the one they want. Even when there's no-one else. Yes, that's happened to me. A girl being alone has been a more attractive prospect than going out with me.
I'm not sure any of you will know how that feels.
I know that right now, I feel like an utter ball of shit.
I just don't know how I could take this. My whole body is preparing for rejection, and at the same time, i'm trying to force myself to not feel this way about her, so when I do get rejected, it won't hurt.
And i'd give it all up for her. Fucking everything. Jesus, she means THAT much to me. Yeah, ok, i've never felt this way about a girl before.
When I get that feeling that I want to tell her how I feel...it honestly feels like i'm dying. I can't breathe, I get so warm, I shake, I feel sick, I can't think. Nobody's ever done that to me. No-one.
I've allowed myself to get into a position where I don't want to see my future without her by my side. I'd allowed myself to think I had a chance at attaining that future. And now here I am, on the verge of what i'm now convinced will be inevitable heartbreak. Because it ALWAYS is. I don't know any different.
I wish I could stop caring, but I just can't.
But i'm also glad i'm here, because nobody's ever made me feel this way before. I've never felt a love like this for someone before. And for that, I thank her. For allowing me to feel like that.
It just hurts that i'm convincing myself that this will be yet another fruitless love.
Everything would be so much easier if I knew how she felt about me. Despite my every effort to find out a little bit about that, to see if I can't get some tiny piece of info as to how she does feel about me, I still don't know. If I knew I had a chance, i'd tell her how I felt.
But I care too damn much to tell her and to have it fuck her up. I actually care more about her state of mind than my own. I'd rather see me get fucked up than see her suffer.
Odd, ain't it?