Today and Yesterday
I'm quite relieved at present. I had been offered to go do weed with my 'friend' and her boyfriend ((also, in a way, a 'friend' as well)), but my 'friend' got called away for a four day camping trip with her relatives. I don't wish to defile my lungs with marijuana chemicals nor that of any kind of smokeable object. Had a rather curious dream. A spike had impailed itsself through my forehead, yet I felt nearly nothing, accepting the fact that I was dying. I woke up in my own room, the spike gone, yet blood stained my hands. I reached out, opening the drawer across from me, knowing what I would find there. I withdrew both my lighter and my pocket knife, knowing I would not be able to die no matter what was done to my body. I burned there, the flames licking at my skin, yet died down when they came in contact with the offwhite carpet. I woke up again in the bed, becoming rather frustrated that death was evading me. I grabbed for the knife, the blade lengthening as it swung out from its resting place when compacted. The blade was not nearly thick enough to kill me, so I merely stuck it in my throat, bleeding out the remnants of my life on the carpet that did not stain. This scenario continued several more times, the weapon of choice varying with each pseudo-death. I have a secret death wish, but I will not be the one to cheat myself of life. The death I long for is not the one often thought of; a spiritual death. Of course it would be nice to reach heaven, or the purgatory I'm nearly positive I'll be sent to, but in the end an eternity is too long for me to continue my existance. I dislike the idea of waking up to the same mundane life for the rest of my 'existance', which will never cease. I want my soul to split apart. And afterwards, anything could happen. The pieces could fall to the sea, be swept away in a crash of white foam and salt-water, dissolving them, and erasing my existance. They could become sepparate beings, each with a mind of their own at last ((it IS getting rather overcrowded inside my head)), or they could be with someone back on earth ((given the Apocalypse hasn't already happened)), each a person needing aid from an outside source. I see no reason why I should remain as one. I have no reason to exist, even now, but I do hope I come to find one.
Laughing-gas fails to work its effects on me, as I discovered today. I still had a sharp clarity of thought, and asked the doctor legit questions before the world faded away. Even upon awaking, my mind still functioned at its best. I took advantage of the moment, though, angered at seeing Joseph before me. I'm not exactly sure which of US it was ((perhapse her, perhapse it could've been all me, or with a slight influence from her)) but I found myself kicking at my father, my motor skills still fully functional, and hurled a few profanities at him ((my idea most likely)). Then, another spur-of the moment idea presented itsself. What if I were to close my eyes and never open them again? The excuse was there. The opportunity was beautiful. The world could go to hell, but I would be safe within my own mind. No one would truly miss me. Only the side of my personality that showed itsself to them. They couldn't see my mind for what it really was. Sure they would pine for me, convinced that they had lost a precious friend, but it could be a stranger lying there for all they knew. I could fade; the world would continue to spin, and they with it. I closed my eyes, deciding to give my impulsize, idiotic idea at least a shot. It took them two minutes before I found myself being slapped awake, yet refused to open my eyes. The nurse grabbed me, forcing my body into an upright position; caring nothing of my current state.
The day progressed slowly afterwards, and my stomache growled, begging to be fed. The night before, Joseph had forbidden me from eating anything at all, claiming that I only 'deserved food' after I had completed some trivial task of his. I completed the same task at least three times, and he still wasn't satisfied. He pulled the exact same crap today, depriving me of a dinner ((even though all I could eat were liquids; the doctor explained that it was imperative that I do so)).
Yesterday-
Wasn't allowed to speak to any of my 'friends'. One did call, but Joseph addressed them rather rudely, listening in on our conversation and forcing it to be broken up. The man even went so far as to yell over us so neither would be capable of hearing the other.
Got hit on by a ghetto guy ((lol)), but felt semi-bad, yet impressed at his boldness. I didn't return his flirty manner, trying to be as nice as possible in getting it across that I wasn't interested. It always bothers me; that certain people seem to hold strong feelings for me. I haven't discovered the cause of my numbness towards the emotion of love, but my theory is that I've never seen it work out. Dysfunctional people decieving themselves into thinking that they care for another. When really they know nothing at all.
Threw myself on the floor this morning, the hole grown bigger. Wanting to scream, but remembering the stitches in my mouth. Sort of lay there awkwardly, not moving, feeling it tighten. Need to fill it soon, lest get sucked away within it.
Laughing-gas fails to work its effects on me, as I discovered today. I still had a sharp clarity of thought, and asked the doctor legit questions before the world faded away. Even upon awaking, my mind still functioned at its best. I took advantage of the moment, though, angered at seeing Joseph before me. I'm not exactly sure which of US it was ((perhapse her, perhapse it could've been all me, or with a slight influence from her)) but I found myself kicking at my father, my motor skills still fully functional, and hurled a few profanities at him ((my idea most likely)). Then, another spur-of the moment idea presented itsself. What if I were to close my eyes and never open them again? The excuse was there. The opportunity was beautiful. The world could go to hell, but I would be safe within my own mind. No one would truly miss me. Only the side of my personality that showed itsself to them. They couldn't see my mind for what it really was. Sure they would pine for me, convinced that they had lost a precious friend, but it could be a stranger lying there for all they knew. I could fade; the world would continue to spin, and they with it. I closed my eyes, deciding to give my impulsize, idiotic idea at least a shot. It took them two minutes before I found myself being slapped awake, yet refused to open my eyes. The nurse grabbed me, forcing my body into an upright position; caring nothing of my current state.
The day progressed slowly afterwards, and my stomache growled, begging to be fed. The night before, Joseph had forbidden me from eating anything at all, claiming that I only 'deserved food' after I had completed some trivial task of his. I completed the same task at least three times, and he still wasn't satisfied. He pulled the exact same crap today, depriving me of a dinner ((even though all I could eat were liquids; the doctor explained that it was imperative that I do so)).
Yesterday-
Wasn't allowed to speak to any of my 'friends'. One did call, but Joseph addressed them rather rudely, listening in on our conversation and forcing it to be broken up. The man even went so far as to yell over us so neither would be capable of hearing the other.
Got hit on by a ghetto guy ((lol)), but felt semi-bad, yet impressed at his boldness. I didn't return his flirty manner, trying to be as nice as possible in getting it across that I wasn't interested. It always bothers me; that certain people seem to hold strong feelings for me. I haven't discovered the cause of my numbness towards the emotion of love, but my theory is that I've never seen it work out. Dysfunctional people decieving themselves into thinking that they care for another. When really they know nothing at all.
Threw myself on the floor this morning, the hole grown bigger. Wanting to scream, but remembering the stitches in my mouth. Sort of lay there awkwardly, not moving, feeling it tighten. Need to fill it soon, lest get sucked away within it.