And the night crushes in...
I don't know if it's the time change, or if I'm just going through one of my turns, or if this is genuine depression hitting me. I've been feeling out-of-sorts all day long, just generally gloomy and down, and I haven't felt like writing all day long. Which means it's good that I got, like, three days' worth of writing done yesterday, because I'm still ahead.
Sometimes I'm okay with my life. I have friends, I have my theatre, I have a job and things to keep me occupied.
But sometimes, this feeling of loneliness just descends on me. It's suffocating. And it's at these times that it seems like nobody's around to talk to. And I know it's not true, but I start imagining that people are looking at their caller ID's and seeing that it's me and going, "Eesh. I don't want to talk to him. Just let it ring." The people that I do get hold of, seem to all be in the middle of something and unable to talk. And I know, in my mind, that they really are, that they're not just giving me the brushoff.
But when I get like this...everything just gets exaggerated. I start imagining that everyone sees me as this huge annoyance, and that starts getting me pissed off, and I withdraw into myself, and the loneliness gets worse, and I start thinking people hate me even more, and I get more angry, and I withdraw further...It's a spiral, and I see it happening, but when it gets this bad, I don't have the energy to stop it. It seems easier just to let it happen.
Sometimes I'm okay with my life. I have friends, I have my theatre, I have a job and things to keep me occupied.
But sometimes, this feeling of loneliness just descends on me. It's suffocating. And it's at these times that it seems like nobody's around to talk to. And I know it's not true, but I start imagining that people are looking at their caller ID's and seeing that it's me and going, "Eesh. I don't want to talk to him. Just let it ring." The people that I do get hold of, seem to all be in the middle of something and unable to talk. And I know, in my mind, that they really are, that they're not just giving me the brushoff.
But when I get like this...everything just gets exaggerated. I start imagining that everyone sees me as this huge annoyance, and that starts getting me pissed off, and I withdraw into myself, and the loneliness gets worse, and I start thinking people hate me even more, and I get more angry, and I withdraw further...It's a spiral, and I see it happening, but when it gets this bad, I don't have the energy to stop it. It seems easier just to let it happen.