(no subject)
How do I say this...
I can't really say I've slipped into a depression, because pretty much I'm always depressed. I think it's that I have recently become aware of how bad it is.
I'm going to post this publicly, because it may be one of the last LJ posts I make. No, that's not some cryptic thing about me possibly killing myself. It's me saying that I barely make real posts on here, and all I really use it for is to keep up with how other people are doing. So I haven't actually decided if I'm going to keep using this or not. I may get rid of LJ entirely, I may keep LJ but create a new one... I don't know. But I do know this post will be long. So, if you're just going to be tl;dr, do me a favor and don't post a reply saying that. I'm really serious, I will actually stop talking to you entirely if you do that.
This is going to have a few different sections, talking about a variety of topics. After I talk about these things, I'm not going to bring them up again, except for clarification purposes.
Devon.
I really thought I knew you at one point. I considered you one of my best friends, and I had tremendous amounts of respect for you. I thought of you as being a lot like me, someone I could relate to, and someone, while I did like you, I could always count on to be my friend. Now, I don't know what happened in NC, but the Devon I knew there died, and never came back. Instead, some kind of Zom-Devo came back and took Devon's place. I knew you weren't happy to see me those couple days at Bethany, and you were just keeping up appearances so not to make an awkward scene, but really, anyone paying attention could tell you were faking. Too bad too many people there don't actually pay attention, then they could see you're not the same. And no, I didn't expect you "to marry me or something" for taking you to the train station. I did it because you were my friend and you needed a favor. I'd do it for all my friends. Hell, my friend Kat, who lived 6.5 hours away in INDIANA needed help moving up to Austintown, and because she's my friend, I requested the days off, drove down to help her, and drove back up here. All because she is my FRIEND, and I do things for my friends when they need help. You needed help, I helped you. And I would text to say hi and see how you were, because you were my friend, and I wanted to see how my friend was doing. Honestly, I got over you a couple weeks after you were gone. All I wanted you for was a friend. But, because you decided that the only men worthy of not being dipped in a vat of acid were your dad, shane, and gerad, you decided that you didn't need me as a friend. I'm fairly certain I know why you did what you did though. Because your self esteem is so low, either consciously or subconsciously, you seek out guys who will hurt you, and when they do, you just give more rhyme and reason to hating men because they treat you bad. So you let it destroy your self-worth so that you can wallow in your own self-misery, because god knows it's easier to do that than actually take the time to feel good about yourself. I've been there, I know wallowing in self-pity is pointless, but a lot easier than actually becoming a better person. Honestly, if you want to try and rebuild a friendship after all that's happened, you're more than welcome to. If you want to hate me and try to turn everyone against me, thats fine too. But, before trying to turn my friends against me, know that I saved that text conversation to where you said that you knew you became irrational, and that you left me on your LJ friends list to see what you said about people. I AM capable of being that much of an asshole, if you try to take away what's important to me.
Kim
I'm sure the people who have read this LJ have heard of Kim at least once. I have nothing bad to say about her. I just want to publicly state that I am moving on from her. I've been crazy about her for the past two years, have tried to move on before and failed, but now I'm going to do everything I can to move on. She's still my best friend, and I'd like to think we will always be close, but it honestly hurts too much to still have the feelings I do and to keep the friendship I have with her. I don't want to give up the best friend, so I'm going to work on giving up the feelings.
Learning what NO means.
I'm pretty sure most people who know me know that when it comes to myself, or hearing it from others, I don't have the slightest idea what no means. I apparently seem to think that if someone says no to me for whatever reason, I can somehow persuade them to change their mind, and this is not the case. I'm learning that if someone says no to me, it means no, and if they change their mind, that's on their own time and terms, and I cannot do anything about it. I just need to accept the no and move on. I also need to learn how to say no to people, as I'm very giving by nature. Well, that's bullshit. It's all about nurture in this case, because growing up, I was always told that if someone asked me to do something, I did it. There was no "no" in my vocabulary when someone asked me to do something. Even if I didn't end up having to do something or I just didn't do something, I always said okay when I was told to do it. But, now I'm learning how to say no and actually mean it, as well as comprehend that other people can say no and mean it as well.
My friends DO care about me, that paranoia is just that, me being paranoid.
Time after time, I constantly worry that I'm just someone who is there. I worry I'm the person that people feel bad about leaving behind, so they invite me along out of pity. I worry that it's only because they feel like they HAVE to that I'm included in things. This isn't really the case. I'm included because, even though I can be annoying at times, people genuinely do like having me around. There are times where I might not be invited to things, but that happens. Everyone needs a break from people every now and then. Couples need breaks from each other to go do their own thing, and people have other friends aside from me. Just because they didn't call that day doesn't mean they like me any less, it just means that their busy, either with work related things like grading papers, or they are spending time with other friends. It's not the end of the world, so I need to stop feeling like it is.
You'll meet someone eventually. Stop worrying so much about it.
This statement speaks for itself, chuck, but you can't just count on the internet. You can't just expect to sit on the computer and expect to meet people. Go out and do things. Sure, some things you can't do because of money, but that doesn't mean on a tuesday or wednesday that you have off that you can't drive out to Boardman and hang out at the bookstore. Lots of people meet there. This also requires you being social and talking to people. But, people aren't THAT scary. The worst they can say is "don't talk to me" if you start a conversation, or "no" if you ask for their number. (See "Learning what NO means," above.) Look at the books that are in your areas of interest: music, art, manga/graphic novels. Chances are you may actually find someone with similar interests, and even if nothing happens, it's a cool person who has friends that you don't know, and she might be able to hook you up with one of them. Socializing: the new cool thing to do.
I actually feel a ton better after getting all that out there. Maybe things will work out after all.
I can't really say I've slipped into a depression, because pretty much I'm always depressed. I think it's that I have recently become aware of how bad it is.
I'm going to post this publicly, because it may be one of the last LJ posts I make. No, that's not some cryptic thing about me possibly killing myself. It's me saying that I barely make real posts on here, and all I really use it for is to keep up with how other people are doing. So I haven't actually decided if I'm going to keep using this or not. I may get rid of LJ entirely, I may keep LJ but create a new one... I don't know. But I do know this post will be long. So, if you're just going to be tl;dr, do me a favor and don't post a reply saying that. I'm really serious, I will actually stop talking to you entirely if you do that.
This is going to have a few different sections, talking about a variety of topics. After I talk about these things, I'm not going to bring them up again, except for clarification purposes.
Devon.
I really thought I knew you at one point. I considered you one of my best friends, and I had tremendous amounts of respect for you. I thought of you as being a lot like me, someone I could relate to, and someone, while I did like you, I could always count on to be my friend. Now, I don't know what happened in NC, but the Devon I knew there died, and never came back. Instead, some kind of Zom-Devo came back and took Devon's place. I knew you weren't happy to see me those couple days at Bethany, and you were just keeping up appearances so not to make an awkward scene, but really, anyone paying attention could tell you were faking. Too bad too many people there don't actually pay attention, then they could see you're not the same. And no, I didn't expect you "to marry me or something" for taking you to the train station. I did it because you were my friend and you needed a favor. I'd do it for all my friends. Hell, my friend Kat, who lived 6.5 hours away in INDIANA needed help moving up to Austintown, and because she's my friend, I requested the days off, drove down to help her, and drove back up here. All because she is my FRIEND, and I do things for my friends when they need help. You needed help, I helped you. And I would text to say hi and see how you were, because you were my friend, and I wanted to see how my friend was doing. Honestly, I got over you a couple weeks after you were gone. All I wanted you for was a friend. But, because you decided that the only men worthy of not being dipped in a vat of acid were your dad, shane, and gerad, you decided that you didn't need me as a friend. I'm fairly certain I know why you did what you did though. Because your self esteem is so low, either consciously or subconsciously, you seek out guys who will hurt you, and when they do, you just give more rhyme and reason to hating men because they treat you bad. So you let it destroy your self-worth so that you can wallow in your own self-misery, because god knows it's easier to do that than actually take the time to feel good about yourself. I've been there, I know wallowing in self-pity is pointless, but a lot easier than actually becoming a better person. Honestly, if you want to try and rebuild a friendship after all that's happened, you're more than welcome to. If you want to hate me and try to turn everyone against me, thats fine too. But, before trying to turn my friends against me, know that I saved that text conversation to where you said that you knew you became irrational, and that you left me on your LJ friends list to see what you said about people. I AM capable of being that much of an asshole, if you try to take away what's important to me.
Kim
I'm sure the people who have read this LJ have heard of Kim at least once. I have nothing bad to say about her. I just want to publicly state that I am moving on from her. I've been crazy about her for the past two years, have tried to move on before and failed, but now I'm going to do everything I can to move on. She's still my best friend, and I'd like to think we will always be close, but it honestly hurts too much to still have the feelings I do and to keep the friendship I have with her. I don't want to give up the best friend, so I'm going to work on giving up the feelings.
Learning what NO means.
I'm pretty sure most people who know me know that when it comes to myself, or hearing it from others, I don't have the slightest idea what no means. I apparently seem to think that if someone says no to me for whatever reason, I can somehow persuade them to change their mind, and this is not the case. I'm learning that if someone says no to me, it means no, and if they change their mind, that's on their own time and terms, and I cannot do anything about it. I just need to accept the no and move on. I also need to learn how to say no to people, as I'm very giving by nature. Well, that's bullshit. It's all about nurture in this case, because growing up, I was always told that if someone asked me to do something, I did it. There was no "no" in my vocabulary when someone asked me to do something. Even if I didn't end up having to do something or I just didn't do something, I always said okay when I was told to do it. But, now I'm learning how to say no and actually mean it, as well as comprehend that other people can say no and mean it as well.
My friends DO care about me, that paranoia is just that, me being paranoid.
Time after time, I constantly worry that I'm just someone who is there. I worry I'm the person that people feel bad about leaving behind, so they invite me along out of pity. I worry that it's only because they feel like they HAVE to that I'm included in things. This isn't really the case. I'm included because, even though I can be annoying at times, people genuinely do like having me around. There are times where I might not be invited to things, but that happens. Everyone needs a break from people every now and then. Couples need breaks from each other to go do their own thing, and people have other friends aside from me. Just because they didn't call that day doesn't mean they like me any less, it just means that their busy, either with work related things like grading papers, or they are spending time with other friends. It's not the end of the world, so I need to stop feeling like it is.
You'll meet someone eventually. Stop worrying so much about it.
This statement speaks for itself, chuck, but you can't just count on the internet. You can't just expect to sit on the computer and expect to meet people. Go out and do things. Sure, some things you can't do because of money, but that doesn't mean on a tuesday or wednesday that you have off that you can't drive out to Boardman and hang out at the bookstore. Lots of people meet there. This also requires you being social and talking to people. But, people aren't THAT scary. The worst they can say is "don't talk to me" if you start a conversation, or "no" if you ask for their number. (See "Learning what NO means," above.) Look at the books that are in your areas of interest: music, art, manga/graphic novels. Chances are you may actually find someone with similar interests, and even if nothing happens, it's a cool person who has friends that you don't know, and she might be able to hook you up with one of them. Socializing: the new cool thing to do.
I actually feel a ton better after getting all that out there. Maybe things will work out after all.