Drabble #378
I can still hear that beautiful melody in the back of my head as I roam the kitchen and tidy away the clean dishes. A bittersweet taste lingers in the back of my throat, probably from the tears I shed half an hour ago. I drop a spoon into the cupboard and push it shut. Done. I sigh. My tongue darts out a little to taste the corner of my mouth. Salty something combined with a pinch of chocolate from that ice cream I gulped down about ten minutes ago, before washing up all evidence that helped me commit such sin on a Sunday morning..
This is not like me, I swear. I never eat chocolate chip ice cream for breakfast, neither do I enjoy it much for dessert or, ... well you get the idea right? Oh god, I feel so pathetic and ... and before I can even continue to drown myself in self-pity I start sobbing again. “I hate this love song... I hate this damn love song.. “ That melody, so beautiful it makes my heart bleed, it keeps coming back whenever I least think about it, or so I think. Well, I thought my head was finally cleared up and I could start the day with going for a run, but, but, here I go again, I feel the wet cold drops of tears roll down my heated cheeks as I dug my phone out of my sweat pants pocket.
“How I hate this stupid stupid stupid love song...” I curse under my breath as my fingers slide across the touch screen, and my thumb hits speed dial #2.
“Yuya?”
His beautiful voice answers, softly echoing through my phone and as I don’t answer promptly he raises his voice slightly. “What happened? Are you alright?”
That’s when I manage to open my mouth and words actually leave my lips.
“Come home. Take me away from here. Now.”
“What happened? Are you hurt?” His beautiful voice asks again but I can hardly bring myself to smile at his worry, I can’t even feel bad for ignoring it. Somehow any feeling went amiss, but I have hardly time to wonder why.
“I’m not hurt.” I manage to say. “I just want YOU home.”
“Don’t scare me like that.” He tries to sound mad but I know he isn’t because his voice is as beautiful and calm again as usual. “I’m at the gym, you know I can’t leave now...I have a pretty full morning, day actually.”
“It’s Sunday, damnit.” I curse out loud and kick the wooden chair in front of me, before I let myself sink down on it, crossing my arms over the dining table.
“I know, but you know who we are right love? I’m ..”
“Yes yes you are Japans number one Idol Yamashita Tomohisa, the whole country is counting on your damn good looks.. I know that speech already, you don’t need to say another word --”
“Yuya, you know that’s now my speech. That’s your speech you give me whenever you are sick of who we are... I just can’t help it, we gotta do our work.” He interrupted me. He is right too. Of course he wouldn’t call himself Japans number one Idol, and we all know he isn’t. Well, for me he is, but that doesn’t change anything about the fact he still has work to do which he can’t run away from right now.
But who am I to accept that? Every time, at least. It’s just too much.
“I. I just... need you.”
I sob into the speaker and hang up. I’m pathetic. Never did I want to make him feel bad only because I feel bad. Well, some part of me does, but that is probably not right.
I sigh. I shove the phone back into my pocket and grab the white T-shirt hanging over the chair next to me. I really need to get out. My little dog comes running toward me as he hears my hand on the door knob. “Sorry love. You can’t come.” I bend down and rub his belly as he falls to the floor out of habit. Sadly I can’t take him on a run, he just can’t keep up.
So, I rush out of the huge apartment block and down the drive way heading for the route I always take. I jog along a slender bike path which leads to a small public park. Weekend mornings are usually pretty free from pedestrians around this area of the neighborhood, which is very convenient considering I shouldn’t be seen out in public a lot.
For the past ten minutes I wonder whether I should call back to apologize, or at least to tell him not to bother about me, but I know either way I wouldn’t be able to hang up again. It is just the fact that he didn’t call back to continue talking, and it makes me a little worried. Or annoyed? Did I upset him? Does he not care? No, of course I know he cares about me, but.. I guess I am just having a bad day and should leave things be and finally enjoy the run. I usually enjoy running a lot, not as much as playing soccer but it has become a healthy habit recently. After my body gets used to the movements, and I switch to a faster pace, everything seems so much easier while running, even thinking. And right now I really need to think normal again, or not at all, if that was only possible.
Almost an hour later I find myself sitting on a metal chair outside my favorite café, slurping on an iced latte. I often come here by myself or with my dog. Very rarely my boyfriend manages to find me out here or even come with me. Recently I haven’t seen him much as our schedules just don’t work well together. Before, it was often possible to meet days in a row or stay at each other’s place a lot, but sometimes these days seem like only a memory now.
Ok, I think I just over-dramatize everything, especially our relationship, but I feel like I reached a point in my life where I am simply fed up with everything. Our tight schedules, everyone’s expectations, not getting what I want… My mother says it is just a phase, and how I wish she was right. Maybe I wake up one morning feeling the same way I did when I was just seventeen and was about to burst with excitement about going to soccer practice and afterwards karaoke or hang with my friends.
I sigh and look down on my phone for the nth time since I got here. I still love soccer and karaoke but it’s somehow not the same anymore. Or maybe, I am not the same anymore? Well, again, maybe it’s just a phase.
“Yuya!” He calls out as I jog back the very driveway that leads to my apartment. My lips form a smile on their own and my feet run faster. I jump into his embrace and press my head into the curve of his neck. The smell of shampoo and his favorite eau de toilet instantly hit my nose and my smile becomes wider. How I love his smell - Is all I can think of in moments like these.
“Sorry I couldn’t be earlier; I did my best to rearrange my schedule.”
“You did this just for me?” I ask, biting my lip as I look at him with probably wide eyes. He smiles and nods. “And for myself.” His smile turned into a grin and he nudges my side. “I was missing my little boy a bit too much too this week. It will be worth the argument with my boss tomorrow.”
“Look, I really need to talk to you.” I suddenly say without realizing my lips move. My expression must look as puzzled as his as I try to think of what I am doing here. I had no plan to interrupt or even ruin today, it just happened. Maybe I really am going insane.
“Ok. We should go inside then?” He says, rubbing the back of his head so very cutely. “I thought I’d take you out though.”
I lower my head and grab his hand which now was stuffed in the pocket of his dark denim. “The bench. Let’s go there.” I lead him toward a park bench behind the apartment building, slightly hidden from public view.
We sit down side by side. My feet kick nervously against a small rock before I look at him, gaze into his deep brown eyes I love so much. My lips begin to tremble slightly, words slipping out of my mouth, words I was dying to say for weeks, maybe months by now, but never felt like it was necessary. My brain apparently decides against that.
“The days without you aren’t what they used to be.” I pause. His eyes are locked on mine but no words leave his lips so eventually I continue. “After sharing so many beautiful... meaningful moments,... days, weeks, months, years with you,... nothing is the same anymore. Maybe I am not the same anymore.”
With the last word leaving my tongue he reaches out to take my hand into his. I feel it tremble slightly. Is he nervous? Scared? Of what? He isn’t thinking I am going to break up with him is he? Oh darn you Yamashita... How can you! I curse inside my head, to myself.
“I can’t be without you anymore,” I say bluntly, almost feeling like I want to laugh as I notice he suddenly looked relieved. You idiot. “I’m going insane. Every damn song, every beautiful love song, every sad love song, every reference to love and happiness makes me miss you so much that I sometimes can’t handle my feelings and break down in tears.”
He brings my hand to his lips and presses a gentle kiss on its back. “You are crazy love.” he says and I nod. “And you know how that is just not me,” I pause, “at least that’s not what I used to be, at least.”
“I think, you have always been crazy.” He jokes and I kick against his pretty black designer shoe. “Sorry.” He says and laughs.
“I am serious though, without you nothing is the same anymore, I can’t find anything to take my mind off of you and sometimes it drives me crazy,” I pause again, and he brings his arm around my shoulder and draws me closer. “I know what you mean.” His beautiful voice hums close to my ear, his face almost pressing against mine. He reaches out and touches my cheek, making me look right at him, into those beautiful brown eyes. That hopeful look melts my heart. As always his flawless expression is filled with love and I am so close to tears once again. My lips begin to tremble and I just want to kiss him and never let go of that wonderful person.
“I feel so close to insanity when you aren’t around.” The words leave my mouth almost in a whimper. He now holds me in a tight but comfortable hug as a tear begins to roll down my cheek. I try to find the words worth expressing what I feel for him, what he means to me, but I know no words can be enough. Yet I come up with something lingering in the back of my head.
“You are the sun in my day, the stars in my sky, the waves in my ocean and the beat in my heart.“ - “I love you too.” He replies and draws me in for a deep kiss, right on the lips.