my back is killing me.
don't realy know where to start - or stop..
i hate how little things are reminding me of people that i just dont want to think about.
get out of my head.
anyways.
this is my journal entry, saying goodbye. i'm not writing in here any more, i finally went out and got my own journal, one with pages and it has a lock so noone can invade and work hard to make me feel like shit for who i am. i haven't witten in an actual journal in about a year now. i thought hey, i got friends, i got fingers, but my fingers are sick of telling voltures how to be smooth, and what to talk about, i'm sick of being the dead animal you come and pick at after a lions done with me. so think of this as your last dinner scraps from me. god knows i love people, i can say with true honesty i love people, and i always find the good in everybody, but i guess happiness is something we must truely find in ourselves. i miss simpler things, simpler times, simpler life. i think i want to scream. i'm so sick of myself, and i know by just saying that one line, someone out there, is smirking in the fact that they know they kicked me while i was down. well were made to bleed, and scab, and heal, and bleed again, and turn every scar into a joke. i'm not being a bitch, or i'm not trying to, but i need to be blunt, and get this out- i don't want to hurt anybody, and i realy don't want to be hurt anymore either. i would have never imagined teenage gayass drama could get so outrageous, to the point, where i just do not want to be around anybody once so ever. i don't want to hangout, i don't want to communicate, i don't want to smile, i don't want to joke, i literally feel i would be so much better off being alone, in school, and out. i have mike to keep me company, to talk to, to love. i just don't want to deal with absolutely anything, because being completely honest, i'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown, and i feel as if every day i get another load on my shoulders to carry around, and i'm getting fucking tired of it. now i can either complain my ass off or make something usefull out of this all, and i am, instead of wasting my time on people, i'm going to do my homework, or read more, or rent more movies, spend some time with my family, get more hours at work- then on the weekend, i'll see mike, and he'll just be the fun and joy in my life. he's all i realy need. anyways, physically and mentally i'm shutting down. my mood has been bad for days and days now. a slump i just cant seem to get out of. i have not found my happiness. i havent stopped looking elsewhere, and started looking here. and these people coming and going, that does not make me feel i am worthy of their time and love and caring.
i want them to stay. as friends or likewise, but to stay.i dont even enjoy going out anymore cause i just know its gonna cause problems in some way. my head cant take anymore. i am so tired.
i know im gonna get kicked for all of this, but truthfully nothing feel right. or good. except ignoring everything. ignoring my feelings, people, needs, obligations, all of it. and that's why i feel no desire to write in here any longer.
GOODBYE LIVEJOURNAL AND GOODBYE EVERYONE.
i hate how little things are reminding me of people that i just dont want to think about.
get out of my head.
anyways.
this is my journal entry, saying goodbye. i'm not writing in here any more, i finally went out and got my own journal, one with pages and it has a lock so noone can invade and work hard to make me feel like shit for who i am. i haven't witten in an actual journal in about a year now. i thought hey, i got friends, i got fingers, but my fingers are sick of telling voltures how to be smooth, and what to talk about, i'm sick of being the dead animal you come and pick at after a lions done with me. so think of this as your last dinner scraps from me. god knows i love people, i can say with true honesty i love people, and i always find the good in everybody, but i guess happiness is something we must truely find in ourselves. i miss simpler things, simpler times, simpler life. i think i want to scream. i'm so sick of myself, and i know by just saying that one line, someone out there, is smirking in the fact that they know they kicked me while i was down. well were made to bleed, and scab, and heal, and bleed again, and turn every scar into a joke. i'm not being a bitch, or i'm not trying to, but i need to be blunt, and get this out- i don't want to hurt anybody, and i realy don't want to be hurt anymore either. i would have never imagined teenage gayass drama could get so outrageous, to the point, where i just do not want to be around anybody once so ever. i don't want to hangout, i don't want to communicate, i don't want to smile, i don't want to joke, i literally feel i would be so much better off being alone, in school, and out. i have mike to keep me company, to talk to, to love. i just don't want to deal with absolutely anything, because being completely honest, i'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown, and i feel as if every day i get another load on my shoulders to carry around, and i'm getting fucking tired of it. now i can either complain my ass off or make something usefull out of this all, and i am, instead of wasting my time on people, i'm going to do my homework, or read more, or rent more movies, spend some time with my family, get more hours at work- then on the weekend, i'll see mike, and he'll just be the fun and joy in my life. he's all i realy need. anyways, physically and mentally i'm shutting down. my mood has been bad for days and days now. a slump i just cant seem to get out of. i have not found my happiness. i havent stopped looking elsewhere, and started looking here. and these people coming and going, that does not make me feel i am worthy of their time and love and caring.
i want them to stay. as friends or likewise, but to stay.i dont even enjoy going out anymore cause i just know its gonna cause problems in some way. my head cant take anymore. i am so tired.
i know im gonna get kicked for all of this, but truthfully nothing feel right. or good. except ignoring everything. ignoring my feelings, people, needs, obligations, all of it. and that's why i feel no desire to write in here any longer.
GOODBYE LIVEJOURNAL AND GOODBYE EVERYONE.