(no subject)
~Started this a few months ago....~
Today is a hard day, today eight years ago I lost my brother. And throughout today I realized how very little my family talks about him. It's hard, and many times I cry even though it's a happy memory, because he was such a large part of my life. Oftentimes, I wonder if he could tell me what he thought today if he'd be proud of me, or if he'd be disappointed as the rest of my family seems to be. He was my older brother and like most older brothers, protecting me came with the territory. He always told me if anyone said something bad, he'd simply run them over with his wheelchair. Oh how I wish he was here now, to do just that. A few times he even run me over, I wonder if that's because I was hurting myself, or maybe I was just being a brat, as sometimes I tend to be. Quite possibly he would run over some of my family members at times, because they intentionally say very hurtful things. I can't even remember the last time I heard someone tell me they were proud of me, or even enjoyed my company.
Since the last time I wrote, my ex fiance and I have decided to try and get back together. Currently, he is in Washington and I'm here in New York. I wish he was here. He has become my best support. The first true support I've found since my brother. Don't get me wrong, my family is an amazing support, but they are also very opinionated at times when i just need someone to let me cry, or babble. Babbling....it's something I do often.
~written today~
I'm baking pumpkin seeds, yesterday was Halloween. And I still feel alone, and I still feel worthless, and I still feel.....like life has left me behind. I can't find a job and put in applications everywhere and gone on a thousand interviews. I wish life was easier. The bills are piling up and no money is coming in. For the first time in my life, I have no plans. Plan A through Z failed. My relationship with my mother failed. My relationship to myself is failing. I don't know how to fix things, and no matter how hard I fight for what I feel is right, or how hard I try to make everything right, I still get the same responses and still feel the same; apparently when you no longer have a job, you also lose your worth. Now, I know as a person I have worth, but everyone treats me like a failure, and I've made mistakes, but I've learned. I've loved. I've tried. I've fought. What else can I do? The inability to go back to college is not my fault, why can't anyone understand that if a bank won't loan you enough money, you can;t go? Why can't they understand that if a job doesn't want you, then you won't get that job? I AM TRYING!!!!! Sometimes I feel like screaming from the top of my lungs, sometimes I contemplate death. Sometimes I think about what I'm going to do if this doesn't get better.....I don't know. Plans, they fall through, they fail. And I'm a planner, but now I have nothing to plan on. Nothing in my life right now is stable. Not even my personal relationships, and I have no idea how to get them back to how they were or if I want to try anymore. I'm at the point where I just want to give up. Just stop, just hide. I don't know.......
Today is a hard day, today eight years ago I lost my brother. And throughout today I realized how very little my family talks about him. It's hard, and many times I cry even though it's a happy memory, because he was such a large part of my life. Oftentimes, I wonder if he could tell me what he thought today if he'd be proud of me, or if he'd be disappointed as the rest of my family seems to be. He was my older brother and like most older brothers, protecting me came with the territory. He always told me if anyone said something bad, he'd simply run them over with his wheelchair. Oh how I wish he was here now, to do just that. A few times he even run me over, I wonder if that's because I was hurting myself, or maybe I was just being a brat, as sometimes I tend to be. Quite possibly he would run over some of my family members at times, because they intentionally say very hurtful things. I can't even remember the last time I heard someone tell me they were proud of me, or even enjoyed my company.
Since the last time I wrote, my ex fiance and I have decided to try and get back together. Currently, he is in Washington and I'm here in New York. I wish he was here. He has become my best support. The first true support I've found since my brother. Don't get me wrong, my family is an amazing support, but they are also very opinionated at times when i just need someone to let me cry, or babble. Babbling....it's something I do often.
~written today~
I'm baking pumpkin seeds, yesterday was Halloween. And I still feel alone, and I still feel worthless, and I still feel.....like life has left me behind. I can't find a job and put in applications everywhere and gone on a thousand interviews. I wish life was easier. The bills are piling up and no money is coming in. For the first time in my life, I have no plans. Plan A through Z failed. My relationship with my mother failed. My relationship to myself is failing. I don't know how to fix things, and no matter how hard I fight for what I feel is right, or how hard I try to make everything right, I still get the same responses and still feel the same; apparently when you no longer have a job, you also lose your worth. Now, I know as a person I have worth, but everyone treats me like a failure, and I've made mistakes, but I've learned. I've loved. I've tried. I've fought. What else can I do? The inability to go back to college is not my fault, why can't anyone understand that if a bank won't loan you enough money, you can;t go? Why can't they understand that if a job doesn't want you, then you won't get that job? I AM TRYING!!!!! Sometimes I feel like screaming from the top of my lungs, sometimes I contemplate death. Sometimes I think about what I'm going to do if this doesn't get better.....I don't know. Plans, they fall through, they fail. And I'm a planner, but now I have nothing to plan on. Nothing in my life right now is stable. Not even my personal relationships, and I have no idea how to get them back to how they were or if I want to try anymore. I'm at the point where I just want to give up. Just stop, just hide. I don't know.......